How would you react if...

[driftingcloud]

My husband told me he wished "I was on another planet....no, he wished I was dead". He said this last night, in front of our 4 year old.

I haven't spoken to him since. I occasionally feel negative thoughts towards him, but I would never say anything like that. I think it says more about him that me but it is incredibly hurtful. I don't think I have the strength to address it with him as I may just end up crying. His lack of affection is so damaging to my self esteem. Luckily I have a job that Is rewarding and full of good people so I'm looking forward to Monday and being back at work.

I've asked him to see a GP but he refuses and I've also suggested counselling. He just gets angry at me and calls me autistic and spoilt. I am neither!

I've also researched 1 bed furnished flats for him to move into. I can do this alone. Luckily I have a job which is very childcare friendly.

Well done OP It sounds like you're in a fantastic position to make a better life for yourself.

Hey OP, that’s a horrible thing for your DH to ever say never mind in front of your child! Getting yourself sorted sounds like a great plan, look at all your options and personally I’d be asking him to leave... but this is only assuming that this is the peak of a downward spiral. Hope you’re getting on okay today

Just boot him out OP. Please do not wait, you have nothing to prove, waiting for an apology that will never happen. We all say things in the heat of the moment and regret and apologise for it, your DH has not.

I can't just boot him out. No matter how horrible he has been, this is his house. He would just stand in the door step ringing the doorbell! That would be horrific and disturbing for my young DD. I have downloaded a book about divorce from the library and am and on the road to getting a separation with him moving out. This is a big deal and real life to me though.

You are doing this alone currently op as this 'man' is bringing nothing to the table but heartache and anxiety. I really hope for yours and the children's sake you follow through and end this shit show.

Yes let him move into a one bedroomed flat and when he's fucked off you can get the bunting out and he can wank himself raw and take drugs to his hearts content. I would also suggest you refuse to engage with any more of these nonsensical coffee shop speeches...just end the call.

I can't possibly imagine how you've tolerated such a self obsessed and revolting individual.

Doh wrong thread....apologies op please ignore last comment

@Closetbeanmuncher ooops. He doesn't take drugs on this thread so I suppose it could be worse!

I knoooo sorry @driftingcloud.

I think moving him into a flat is a bloody good idea though... I originally posted another message on the thread yesterday that I still stand by.

I think you should start preparing to end it as the way he treats you is terrible. Words can be as hurtful and damaging as physical abuse.

I suffer from depression and have often thought I wished I was dead. I've even said it when no one else could hear.

Saying I wish you were dead isn't depression. It's extremely hostile. It's potentially dangerous. I'd be rethinking the whole relationship.

Ok... this has been really hard and had shaken me inside, but I've written a letter. I haven't given it to him yet. He still hasn't apologised.

Thanks for being on this thread with me. I really really appreciate it. Here is the letter. Please tell me if you think it's ok.

It is in the best interests of everyone if you move out. This may be a temporary separation or it could lead to something more permanent.
There are many furnished flats available for reasonable prices.

It has become increasingly impossible to have a relationship with you. I would prefer to live alone than alongside someone who despises me to the extent of wishing me dead, in front of our * year old. I might have been able to move on from this remark had it been out of character. However, it has become part of the normal way in which you speak to me. Due to manner in which I have been treated I have kept a record of all comments which I deem unacceptable. These include other comments such as ‘mummy is stupid’ and ‘you’re a fucking retard’.
It is evident that you have no love or even liking for me. That you have no respect towards me as mother or as an equal. I am worth more than this.*

*Equally, I do not wish for to grow up in a household where our relationship forms a blueprint for her future relationships.

I see no other steps forward other than you moving out. It is not possible for me to move out as I provide wrap around childcare mornings and evenings. If you are able to find somewhere to rent with space for * * to stay then of course I wouldn’t prevent this and equally if you want to take her out at the weekend that is fine. Certain points will have to be discussed in greater detail to the benefit of* * . She comes first.

Your lack of dissatisfaction about your life and your inability to seek help has led me to this decision. I hope that you can take the time to reflect upon your life from early teenage years up until now and consider your path. I think if you were to meet yourself in your 20s you would find that you haven’t changed very much at all. My observation is that you are often searching for something more even when you have already been dealt a very good hand. Until you can be content with what you have, you will always be unhappy.

Sounds very good until the last paragraph. I’d scrap that completely. He won’t listen and you are wasting your breath.

Get rid of the last paragraph x

Take the last paragraph out, it serves no purpose and is rather condescending.

It’ll be interesting to see his response. He sounds like the sort of twat that’ll say ‘If you don’t like it, you leave’

Absolutely scrap the last paragraph. It is not your job anymore to fix him and he definitely won’t listen.

Ok... wasn't trying to be condescending. Will remove last paragraph. He's always blamed me for why he isn't creative or why he shouts etc and I'm exhausted by it. I just want him to take some responsibility for his own happiness.

I was really young when I married him and clearly it was partly my fault for thinking he was something he isn't. I was naive and I've grown up a lot. I don't think that he has changed at all though.

Keep a copy of the records you mention, ie,
Due to manner in which I have been treated I have kept a record of all comments which I deem unacceptable. These include other comments such as ‘mummy is stupid’ and ‘you’re a fucking retard’.

In a safe place together with him wishing you dead and a copy of this letter in a place he cannot access in case you need it during the separation/divorce proceedings.

Hope he moves out and concentrated on rebuilding his relationship with his daughter. Good luck OP.

He blames you for why he isn't creative? What a dickhead! Other people can't stop you being creative, FFS. It's something that comes from inside. If he's not creative it's because he just isn't creative.

@Prawnofthepatriarchy he means he doesn't come up with good ideas because he does so much of the housework?! It makes him drained an exhausted apparently. That's a while other story but we have a cleaner, only one child, he works part time and we share the housework! Yes he puts out the bins and mows the lawn (but I designed the garden and built the raised beds, bought the plants etc). I also do also the mental load with school stuff, buying uniform, naming it . I didn't want to go done the comparing who does more because it's just bloody petty.

Please excuse the typos

The saddest thing is that I don't think he wants a relationship whereas o really crave that. Before I met him and all through his twenties his diaries are full of whinging about how he really wants a wife ironically! He even writes that he is a misogynist. He makes excuses saying he is an introvert personality which is why he doesn't talk to me....
Does that explain why he doesn't buy me Christmas presents or birthday presents too?

I want him to be responsible for his own happiness

That really resonated with me although if he's anything like my DC's dad he will never be happy....that twat still isn't and its been 7 years

Like a grown teenager, still whining, still complaining, still angry at everyone and everything, same temper tantrums, same poor me attitude. These type of people don't change drifting - The only way to handle them is to remove them from your life and let them drain some fucker else.

As far as him being "drained" by responsibility and housework, boo-hoo it's called being an adult . Basically what this means is I want you to take full responsibility while I do absolutely fuck all and still be an obnoxious cunt at the end of it.

I personally think you're doing the right thing asking him to move out and as pp have said remove the last paragraph from the letter. Stick with wording that can't be contested or twisted.