How would you react if...

[driftingcloud]

My husband told me he wished "I was on another planet....no, he wished I was dead". He said this last night, in front of our 4 year old.

I haven't spoken to him since. I occasionally feel negative thoughts towards him, but I would never say anything like that. I think it says more about him that me but it is incredibly hurtful. I don't think I have the strength to address it with him as I may just end up crying. His lack of affection is so damaging to my self esteem. Luckily I have a job that Is rewarding and full of good people so I'm looking forward to Monday and being back at work.

I've asked him to see a GP but he refuses and I've also suggested counselling. He just gets angry at me and calls me autistic and spoilt. I am neither!

You don't have to do anything you don't want to. Why not start off by talking to a lawyer.

Just take it one step at a time. You can take a decision later when you have got enough information about your particular situation.

Information is empowering. And will limit his power over you.

If possible find some friends/contacts that divorced well. Ask them for lawyer recommendations.

Get appointments with recommended lawyers. 2 reasons for this. It's important to find a lawyer you can work with. I got lucky with no 4. The other reason is if you've seen them he can't use them.

While waiting for appointments get all your and his financial information together:
Tax returns
Bank accounts
Salary slips
Savings accounts
Investments
Life insurance
Pensions
Mortgages
Debts
Assets
Get the house valued
This will enable a lawyer to tell you what you might reasonably receive.

Divorce for unreasonable behavior as cited in your op.

50:50 childcare is normal but sounds unlikely. There are sites like entitledto that will tell you what you might be entitled to from the state. There are also maintenance calculators.

Write 2 lists in terms of kids, house, cars, maintenance etc:
What you'd like (copy to lawyer)
What you'd accept (private)

Do not tell him what you are doing. Just get on with it quietly. The more of a head start you have the better off you will be.

Find a good solicitor and talk to them face to face. This was a massive help to me and made everything so much clearer.

That’s why you need to seek advice from a solicitor- every situation is different.

@Wallywobbles thanks that's really good advice. I will make a start. Little steps.

Just discovered (by accident) that DH got the house valued last week secretly. A valuation letter came through the post. I asked my daughter and she confirmed that a man looked around to 'see if it was nice'. Ffs.

I put the valuation letter in the bin but I guess I should keep it really.

I put the valuation letter in the bin but I guess I should keep it really.
^^ Don't throw it in the bin OP because a) he'll find it and b) YOU need it as part of the information you are gathering for your separation. Keep it safe with your other financial info do you have an accurate and up to date valuation for when you get to the divorce/financial settlement stages.

Angry at myself though. I came home one day and the house had been tidied up... I stupidly thought it was DH being nice. Now I know it was for the valuation.

So... I send the letter this evening. Waiting for a response. I feel pretty broken.

What letter have you sent OP? Sorry you are feeling so down.

You may be feeling pretty broken now OP, but it’ll get better I promise. Not sure why anyone would want to be with a massive bigot like him anyway.

You are young and we really do only live once, you deserve to be happy and loved op.

Think of yourself in 20/30 years time - will you be happy living like this for the rest of your life?

Good luck, you deserve more. 💐

My ex has placed his 12 year old child into the same school as mind. We share 2 adult children. my daughter is doing really well. I don't want my child and his to become friends. I thought I'd seen the last of him and now I'm going to see him most day. I thinking of contacting the school to try and stop it. Any suggestions x

@Jtayl it might be worth making school aware of the awkwardness but you can't ask them to police the friendships.

@dreichuplands it's a version of what I posted earlier in the thread. About how I think she should move out.

@Jtayl unfortunately the issues between you and your Ex are nothing to do with these two children.
You have no say on where two parents decide to send their child.
They can not waste time policing their potential friendship.

You can just avoid him yourself. If he does approach you or in anyway harass you on school property then you can report him.

Have you sent the email yet?

He's had the house valued to start divorce proceeds surely? You should beat him to it!

@PepsiLola yes I sent the email today. Haven't received a reply. He isn't at work today but I am. The house was valued but not by me. I will have to go and see if I can fish the letter out of recycling. The problem is... I think the valuation is higher than what an actual sale price would be. That's worse for me if I want to stay in the house.

Getting the house valued suggests he is thinking of moving on. Getting legal advice before making any more moves might be sensible.

Sent the message late last night. I'm now home from work. No acknowledgement. FFS. It's like he's forcing me to confront him. It's not fair. Why can't he do the decent thing and talk to me.

Thank you. Your tight if my problem not the childrens.I'll just have to rise abobe it. Dreading it though.

School have agreed to put then in different sections of school so that should help.
Just when you think your done with your ex cos the kids you share are grown up it all starts again. Fuming x

@driftingcloud
It's not fair. Why can't he do the decent thing and talk to me.
No it's not fair but, unfortunately, you cannot rely on him being fair. His actions have shown he is looking after his own interests - you must look out for yours and, more importantly, those of your child.

Please take action to protect yourself and your child - legal advice as a matter of urgency. Speak to Women's Aid for general advice. Take a look st www.entitledto.co.uk to see what benefits you might get and also CMS for child benefits.

Get your own house evaluation by at least one different estate agent. Don't rely on him being fair to you.

Knowledge is power OP: get the information you need so you can ensure you don't lose out if (actually when) you separate.

Stay calm - and stay STRONG for yourself and your child. 🌹

Are you sure he had the house valued as part of a plan in his part to divorce ? Maybe he is hoping to remortgage and use the money for his business ? You may end up with no equity
I would speak to a solicitor ASAP are both your names on the house ?

@Jacksback lucky the house is in both our names. I think he's doing it because he wants to move house. Fine... but talk to me about these things. He just blames his personality and says he's an introvert. I honestly think he just wants a relationship but without any effort. He has never wanted sex (although used to wank so had needs). Him not needing sex and connection with me has really damaged the relationship although I still feel positive about my self esteem as I have great colleagues and work is a godsend.