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Original poster

If a cheating partner has offered for you to look at their phone, have you ever done it?

110 replies

saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 08:17

Couldn’t find a succinct title for this.

I have been together with my partner for a year. I recently found out that when we got together, he was also seeing someone else. We briefly split up about it, but got back together, and he said that he understood why I would find it difficult to trust him again, and offered for me to look through his phone whenever I wanted, so I could reassure myself he wasn’t texting anyone he shouldn’t be.

Fast forward a few months, and I feel really uneasy. He is on WhatsApp/FB messenger almost all the time. Whenever I go online to text him, he is already online, and not texting me. I realise this sounds a bit paranoid, but if he hadn’t lied to me in the past I don’t think I’d feel so worried about it.

Do I ask to look at his phone, given that he had offered that as an option in the past? And how do I even ask to do that? I know he had offered it, but I am worried that if I ask he will think I still don’t trust him at all. I’m working on it, and he knows that. But it’s really hard.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 21/03/2019 20:06

Thanks Lefty x

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 24/03/2019 21:49

Lefty1 nope, different bloke!!

The latest saga is that he has replaced the photo of me on the lock screen on his phone with a photo of his dog. I can only imagine that’s so if he is with other women, they don’t see a photo of me on his screen :(

We are meant to be going on holiday together in 2 weeks...

OP posts:
TowelNumber42 · 24/03/2019 22:18

Why are you still with him?

Can you get out of the holiday?

booboo24 · 25/03/2019 07:32

Are his Facebook, WhatsApp etc pictures of you? I think you're reading too much into the picture thing on its own x

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 25/03/2019 07:32

I’m still with him because I don’t want to believe that he is cheating on me. And I have no real evidence of that.

I can’t really get out of the holiday

OP posts:
Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 25/03/2019 10:46

I've realised that my inaction is due to fear.

Fear of being wrong. Fear of losing the relationship. Fear of what the answers might be to the questions that I want to ask.

But I know that decisions coming from a place of fear are never the right ones to make.

I know it doesn't matter if I am right or not, whether he is cheating or not. I am still constantly thinking and worrying about it, so there's no point anyway.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 25/03/2019 11:05

You sound a lot like me. The question I ask myself is would I be like this with anyone now, or is it just him? Sadly for me I know I'd be like this with whoever, so I know its 'my' issue and I also know he's a good man so I don't want to throw it away. I'm therefore trying to work on myself. What would your answer be?

I completely understand what you're saying about needing evidence before throwing the relationship away, but you'll always have the doubt based on how the relationship started.

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 25/03/2019 11:11

Thanks booboo. I am aware that some of it is my own anxiety, so that makes it doubly hard to know if it's him or me! However, I haven't felt this way in past relationships, so maybe that does indicate that it's him?

But yes, he wasn't honest at the start, and I know he has cheated in previous relationships. Therefore how would I know if he was lying to me, if I know he has lied to others in the past, and lied to me at the beginning (and I had no idea)?

OP posts:
Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 26/03/2019 22:04

Have thought more about your comment booboo. Would I feel the same anxiety with someone who hadn’t already “two timed” me and lied to me? Maybe, but I doubt it would feel as bad as this. I could rationalise that my fears have no base in reality. I can’t do that here.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 26/03/2019 22:55

Then maybe there's your answer. He's shaken the foundations here sadly, and at the start I know I said that you could drive yourself insane looking at his phone etc, as you could go on forever, but I've changed my mind in this instance because he's already proved himself untrustworthy. I am one that would need real evidence usually before ending a relationship but really he's already shown his true colours.

Have you decided what to do?

Tartanwarrior · 27/03/2019 07:06

My exh wanted to get back together- he offered to let me see his phone, so I took him up on it. We were separated at the time, living separately.
There were fb messages to an ex fiance- I hadn't even known he was previously engaged. He had rekindled with her just before he moved out of our home. The messages said something along the lines of " I love you more than you could ever know".

The idiot either forgot they were there, or didn't think I would look on messenger ( this was 10 years ago, so messenger wasn't as widely used).

I hope you find peace Flowers

Lefty1 · 27/03/2019 08:11

My cheating ex removed my photo from his screen saver on his phone too.
Op Your guy has form for cheating , hell he already has done this to you at the beginning of the relationship. Now you have a gut feel that something isn’t right . Listen to your instincts and don’t waste time on him. Life is short , you deserve better Flowers

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 27/03/2019 12:46

He's shaken the foundations here sadly

He really has. I thought I could get over that. But I spend hours, every day, wondering what he is doing, who he is with, whether he lied to me about other things, whether he is lying to me now. I just feel miserable.

OP posts:
Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 27/03/2019 15:15

Are his Facebook, WhatsApp etc pictures of you?

Sorry I missed this. No, WhatsApp photo is his dog. FB photo of him. He finally ousted a photo of me on his Instagram account on Valentine’s Day (mainly because I asked him to!) but otherwise there is no reference to me on anything. However he isn’t on my WhatsApp or FB profiles either so I can’t necessarily read much into that.

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 27/03/2019 23:02

Op , for what it’s worth you sound lovely and I think your totally justified in feeling the way that you do. Sometimes you need to see how a relationship pans out for itself and let it run its natural course , sending hugs FlowersBrew xx

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 29/03/2019 08:50

Lefty1 thank you :)

Maybe you are right. Maybe something will happen, one way or the other. We are going on holiday together soon, which we haven’t done before, so that will be interesting to see how that goes.

On the other hand, I wonder if I let it run on, whether I would regret it in the future that I’d wasted time on him

OP posts:
SuperTed75 · 29/03/2019 09:26

Hi OP - trust your gut. Through my current issues, whenever i've felt something isn't right, i've been correct.

As others have said, offering you the chance to check their phone really is pointless, if they're smart enough, anything they've done wrong has been deleted.

I had the fear of the answers as well, you feel too scared to raise any concerns because you almost feel like they'll put the issues on you - you're not trusting, it's your anxiety, it's your issues to get over. But it's not, if someone is making you feel like crap, causing worries, you need to raise it with them.

You may not get the answers you want, you may even feel frustrated because you cant agree on the situation but it will at least help you get your feelings and worries out.

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 31/03/2019 21:23

Ugh I did a shitty thing today which was to look through his phone without asking him first. Feel like I am the untrustworthy one.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 01/04/2019 12:16

Don't be hard on yourself, you had reason to believe he wasn't being honest, lots would have done the same.

Did you find anything? Has it helped in any way?

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 01/04/2019 12:39

No, I didn't find anything. Don't know if that helps or not.

Part of me wants to tell him that I looked. One, because it was a dishonest thing to do, and that's not the person that I want to be, and I feel I should be accountable for my actions. And secondly, it'll bring this subject back up into conversation. I'm not looking to give him excuses for why I looked, but maybe I do need him to know that I'm not as ok as I suspect he thinks I am, and just because I'm not bringing it up or asking him questions about it doesn't mean it's all ok.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 01/04/2019 13:29

I wouldn't say anything as IF he's up to no good it gives him the heads up to tidy his phone up more often. Also it gives him chance to turn it around on you a bit by saying you're untrustworthy.

If you're still feeling worried about it all then I'd tell him but I really wouldn't confess what you've done. Also if he's left it lying around long enough for you to check it I doubt he's up to much as even deleting it and hiding apps carries risks

Amongstthewildthings · 01/04/2019 14:57

You can't have a relationship without trust. You will turn yourself into an insecure wreck. It's just not worth it. If you can't trust someone, you can't trust someone. You can't learn a way to repress your intuition - its' always going to warn you.

Harebel · 01/04/2019 15:07

Why do you say in your OP "I'm working hard on it" as if it's a fault if yours and he's patiently waiting for you to overcome this thing! He's the cheat and no I wouldn't want to waste my time looking through his shitty phone for 'evidence' either. Fuck that shit.

Either trust him or don't. But sounds like you can do far better than this.

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 02/04/2019 09:03

Why do you say in your OP "I'm working hard on it" as if it's a fault if yours and he's patiently waiting for you to overcome this thing?

I meant that I am working to try and trust him again. But can see how that seems a bit perverse for it to be me to be trying to improve things when he is the one who had cheated.

OP posts:
booboo24 · 02/04/2019 10:11

I understand it isn't easy to leave without proof, I'd need it too based on the fact that I know I struggle due to my past- I'd need to know for sure it was him and not me incase I was throwing something good away. With this though, you know he's got form, and so I don't know how he can ever prove it to you, will you always be wondering? Maybe you could try couples counselling as they will help you both see a way through this, either together or by going your separate ways?

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