If a cheating partner has offered for you to look at their phone, have you ever done it?

[saturdaycoffee]

Couldn’t find a succinct title for this.

I have been together with my partner for a year. I recently found out that when we got together, he was also seeing someone else. We briefly split up about it, but got back together, and he said that he understood why I would find it difficult to trust him again, and offered for me to look through his phone whenever I wanted, so I could reassure myself he wasn’t texting anyone he shouldn’t be.

Fast forward a few months, and I feel really uneasy. He is on WhatsApp/FB messenger almost all the time. Whenever I go online to text him, he is already online, and not texting me. I realise this sounds a bit paranoid, but if he hadn’t lied to me in the past I don’t think I’d feel so worried about it.

Do I ask to look at his phone, given that he had offered that as an option in the past? And how do I even ask to do that? I know he had offered it, but I am worried that if I ask he will think I still don’t trust him at all. I’m working on it, and he knows that. But it’s really hard.

Yes, I'll leave my phone around. It's finger print protected.

I'll even show him pics on it.

And I'll let the kids use it. My notifications don't show the message on Kik.

I don't think he uses kik. Well, he did download it once, but I also had it on my phone using his login details (with his permission), so I could log into his account on my phone.

I know there are other messaging apps, though

oo thanks for your replies. I'm sorry your ex was so awful, and that the effects of that relationship have been so long lasting.

I'm finding it really difficult, because I never had any of these anxiety/trust concerns about my ex, but he was an emotionally abusive idiot! So I feel like I don't know what a "normal" healthy relationship feels like.

He did. I did. I stopped asking. He started lying again.

glosstwit you didn’t find anything on the phone then?

My husband at the time offered for me to have his phone and keep it for a couple of days. I said no, then about a week later I told him I'd like to take him up on the offer (taking him unawares!!!) He looked crestfallen but handed it over there and then. I never took it as that was evidence enough at the time. We split up years later for different reasons

I don't know whether to bother asking to look at it or not.

I don't know whether to contact his ex or not, and ask her what her version of the truth is.

I don't know what the point is to either, really.

Don't bother looking at his phone, just break up with him.

@saturdaycoffee not after DDay. He wiped his phone "so I wouldn't read anything that hurt me".

It didn't matter anyway because as soon as I stopped asking (to try to rebuild trust), he started lying in new and inventive ways.

I don't really agree with phone checking long term but I needed to be able to trust him again and I kick myself for being so easily fooled a second time so quickly.

If he's offering and not hiding, that's a good sign. A better sign is if he's still willing a few months down the line. They usually wait till things settle down to start it all up again.

He deleted all of the messages from his ex, because he “wanted to forget about the whole thing”. In other words, he didn’t want me to read the conversations they had whilst we have been together.

glosstwit sorry to hear it all just happened again. I wonder how long to allow the dust to settle...

Of course he deleted everything.

I honestly think in their own heads they think they are protecting you by hiding the truth.

Have you visited the chumplady website yet?

Have you visited the chumplady website yet?

No. What's that?

Check it out.

www.chumplady.com/

It's a support site for people who have been cheated on. It's clever and funny. Very popular site.

Chump Lady is a nice person who wants better for you.

If you’re reading on this site, chances are you’ve been cheated on, or know someone who has. You’re not part of the Smug Unknowing class, untouched by infidelity. You’re a chump. You got played and you want to know how to navigate yourself out of this pain.

I’ve got the toolkit right here. Chump Lady is not a site optimistic about reconciliation. I liken reconciliation to a unicorn, a mythical creature I want to believe in, but which is seldom seen. This emphatically is NOT a site to save your marriage — this is a site about saving your sanity.

Thanks. I’ll have a look at the site.

At the moment I just feel emotionally exhausted, all the time. And I know it’s not worth the emotional effort to be feeling on edge and thinking all the time what he might be up to. Even if he isn’t up to anything, the worrying is so tiring, and I’m not sure I can be bothered any more.

It’s difficult though because when we are together we have a great time. We have common interests, he’s really kind and generous and affectionate, he is trying really hard to ease my anxiety about this (by telling me I can ask him questions whenever, see his phone whenever, that he knows it’ll take a while for me to trust him again etc etc).

But the trust has been affected, and every so often I’ll think about the lies he told me, and I wonder all over again what else he lied about, if he is still lying, and how easy t was for him to lie convincingly before. I was the OW for 2 months. 2 MONTHS. And I had no idea. He only saw her once in that time, but still. He must have been texting her and calling her. And I had no idea.

Of course you have a good time when you are together! Cheaters tend to be good with the ladies. If they were crap with women they wouldn't get the opportunity to shag around. They get more practice than most too because they keep a medium level of flirt on at all times just in case they get lucky.

So sorry you’re going through this op . This thread really reminds me of an ex from a few years back. Essentially we had a relationship for a year and a half , he finishes it stating he wasn’t happy , fair enough I thought. The next week he is in a completely new relationship 😂. I didn’t say anything but eventually (a year down the line ) the new girlf reached out to me on social media asking me questions , turned out he had cheated on me with her for 3 months and she had no idea, she stayed with him , chose to forgive etc. About 9 months passes , she called me and asked if he was seeeing me , I advised absolutely not and was sorry for her troubles. Turns out that he was actually cheating on her with someone new from his gym and then she got dumped and replaced. His now ex & I keep in touch , she’s a really lovely girl , we laugh a lot about the Knobhead. I’m told (as I don’t live locally to her or him )he has since had 4 girlfriends , all of them overlapping. Leopards rarely , if ever change their spots.
I vote to keep your sanity and LTB x

And what @Hidingtonothing said is good advice in terms of requesting to checking phone. I’d specifically look at photos as sometimes WhatsApp automatically downloads pics to camera roll even if the convo is deleted . Maybe check archived messages in WhatsApp . But essentially a cheater will be in the habit of deleting of everything regardless ....
I never at all suspected my ex , he told me the code to his phone (I never asked for that which was kinda weird in retrospect I guess) and could use it any time , he never gave me reason to be suspicious of him if that makes sense , he must have fine tuned his skills over the years I imagine 😂🙈

Wow lefty, that sounds familiar! I think he has a pattern of overlapping relationships. Maybe I should contact his ex and make a new friend?!

And yes, I would imagine this guy is a very good liar too.He's had years of practice

No, he probably has a 2nd phone tucked away.

The oldest trick in the book!

I hope you don't mind me asking on this thread as following on from some of the replies ...if you were with someone who was very open with his phone, so gave you no reason to doubt and therefore no reason to snoop, I take it you still eventually found out about it? If so how? That's my biggest fear and whilst I don't look I often worry how the hell I'd ever find out if he was

Yes I’d just contact her and don’t tell him you’re going to. He’s probably banking on you not contacting her I imagine.

My ex was from Nottingham , his name began with a H . How hysterical would it be if it was the same man 😂. I hope for your sake it isn’t lol xx

@booboo24 I didn’t find out that he cheated on me whilst we were together , I got dumped and then put the pieces together only after when he moved on so quickly and then when the ex got in touch it sort of affirmed it.
I used to be scared of that stuff happening but now I view it as I’m glad he opted to exit my life early , you can never control what a person does to you , it’s impossible and you shouldn’t have to , but you can control how you react to it ☺️. That is my thinking now, having mental resilience , the ability to adapt to change and remebering to look at things logically is the only thing you can do. X

As a previous phone snooper, if you still see a future together, don't look at his phone.

Worst case scenario is there are messages on there that you will see and you will never un-see, or he'll react terribly and it will result in a messy break up with a lot of unanswered questions that will probably affect how you feel in future relationships.

Best case scenario of looking at his phone, there will be nothing there, and you will either still think he is still hiding things (deleted messages, incognito websites etc.) or feel bad for not trusting him, he will know without a doubt you still don't trust him and it will probably affect your relationship.

If you do still see a future, talk to him. Explain exactly how you are feeling and try and find other ways to grow natural trust.

Thanks Lefty, I was married for 15 years to someone who suddenly left, no warning and no real explanation. We'd been together since we were 14 so the shock was immense . I then met someone else who, after dating him for 8 months I found out he was engaged and I'd been the other woman (easy target as with hindsight I was still a mess after my husband leaving). I've been with my fiance now for 4 years, he gave me fingerprint access quite early on, isn't secretive with his phone at all, and seems really decent, but my mind conjures up all these scenarios where he could be pulling the wool over my eyes and I don't want to become a snooper as I believe it's like looking for a needle in a haystack as there's so many ways they could hide things, so I try to tell myself that if he's up to no good it will eventually come out in one way or another, hence my advice to the OP earlier on in this thread, but I do drive myself crazy sometimes worrying. The problem is that my fiance is paying the price for my ex husband's faults. Sorry to hi-Jack the thread OP X

@booboo24 it sounds as if you’re doing great lovely, it’s really difficult to trust again I agree but worrying about it happening won’t help. I think sometimes you just have to trust and see what happens especially when they have give you no justification not too x

The op’s chap sounds quite the opposite (in terms of him already deceiving her once ) & in her shoes i’d Probably walk. Understand though that it’s easier said then done and sometimes you want to feel vindicated in your intuition.... in that particular instance I think it’s better to check , as the op could end up getting pregnant with this man , & potentially wasting years of her life.