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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If a cheating partner has offered for you to look at their phone, have you ever done it?

110 replies

saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 08:17

Couldn’t find a succinct title for this.

I have been together with my partner for a year. I recently found out that when we got together, he was also seeing someone else. We briefly split up about it, but got back together, and he said that he understood why I would find it difficult to trust him again, and offered for me to look through his phone whenever I wanted, so I could reassure myself he wasn’t texting anyone he shouldn’t be.

Fast forward a few months, and I feel really uneasy. He is on WhatsApp/FB messenger almost all the time. Whenever I go online to text him, he is already online, and not texting me. I realise this sounds a bit paranoid, but if he hadn’t lied to me in the past I don’t think I’d feel so worried about it.

Do I ask to look at his phone, given that he had offered that as an option in the past? And how do I even ask to do that? I know he had offered it, but I am worried that if I ask he will think I still don’t trust him at all. I’m working on it, and he knows that. But it’s really hard.

OP posts:

pissedonatrain · 16/03/2019 21:46

I wouldn't stick around. It's only been a year. He's shown you he has form for this. You can change your mind at any time.

How did you find out?

Applecrumble79 · 16/03/2019 21:57

I wouldn’t have got back with him in the first place.
If you have to look in his phone, the relationship is over. If there’s no trust, there’s no relationship. I’d get out now if I was U.
If he’s smart he will delete everything anyway or have a secret phone!!

WhoKnewBeefStew · 16/03/2019 22:26

Haha I had one of these... almost exactly the same scenario. Even down to him always being on WhatsApp. I did ask him, but guess what?? He got all shirty with me, evasive the works. Yup, he was cheating...

Cut your losses OP. If he was happy to cheat on his gf with you, he’ll cheat on you...

That famous saying is very true

‘When a man marries his mistress, he creates a vacancy’

SandyY2K · 17/03/2019 01:14

Your relationship started as a lie, unbeknownst to you, so it's on a shaky foundation.

Good cheaters can hide stuff. They use apps and other methods. Immediately delete chat history and block when they aren't chatting.

He's not worth it and has shown his character. Why do you think he won't treat you as he treated her?

How do you know the number was his Ex? It could have been a friend who would have pretended to be her. It's been done before.

MsDogLady · 17/03/2019 02:30

He tricked his ex into believing he was faithful.

He tricked you into believing he was single.

You are feeling suspicious.

You feel awkward asking to see his phone. It is moot anyway, as he could be sneaky with apps, a second phone, etc. He has been sneaky before.

Why live a life full of anxiety and uncertainty?

Hidingtonothing · 17/03/2019 03:29

I think you have two options, cut your losses at this point because there's no trust or ask to see his phone and make your decision based on his reaction. From an outsiders perspective there's probably no real point in option 2 because the lack of trust will end this sooner or later anyway but I do understand that need to have it confirmed.

So, assuming you will have to go through the motions of option 2 for your own peace of mind, how you approach it is paramount. I would ask for his phone out of the blue, at a time when he's immersed in WhatsApp/FB and you can catch him unawares. I would say 'you know you said I could check your phone anytime? Well you seem to be messaging/on your phone all the time lately and it's making me uneasy so I'd like to see it now please.' Say it calmly, making sure you remind him that he said it was fine for you to check and then watch his reaction carefully. Anything less than him handing it straight over without question tells you everything you need to know. Any defensiveness or trying to turn it back on you for not trusting him and I would take that as an admission of guilt and walk away.

It's by no means foolproof, yes there could always be a second phone/hidden apps etc but his reaction might give you the answers you feel you need and you're still free to walk away whatever the outcome. I think I would have to at least try to find out because I would want to be able to draw a definitive line under it but I also think you have to really consider whether living with that unease and insecurity is worth it even if you find nothing this time.

Ginghampanther · 17/03/2019 08:22

I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I don’t know about checking his phone because he could just delete any evidence, unless you catch him on the spot like pp have suggested. Even then, my ex swiftly deleted messages before handing the phone to me. My relationship with him started the same way as yours, we even moved in together before I realised I was his OW. It’s a bit of a blur now, it was a hard time. But eventually, our relationship ended the same way as it had begun. After I was finally officially his girlfriend, he found another OW to replace me. Good luck. 💐

BaeBae · 17/03/2019 08:47

This happened with my now ex and I. He didn’t change, I had 2 years of insecurity and trust issues. It wasn’t so much that he was double dating me secretly to begin with as it was early days, but it was the fact that he lied so easily and convincingly that I couldn’t ever accept. After almost 2 years I discovered he had installed WhatsApp on his work phone and was messaging someone he met on a sex site and arranging to meet her. I did look at his phone and found out he had texted 2 other women and had been with prostitutes when away with work. Throughout the 2 years together I was rightly paranoid and insecure about him but he gaslighted and lied again and again. I wish I had dumped him when I first found out! I’m now having to piece my life back together having discovered he’s a narcissist and has Psychopathic tendencies.
Good men do not lie.
Good men respect you.
Good men cherish you.
Don’t settle for anything less.

BikeTart · 17/03/2019 08:56

I think I'm just pissed off with myself for agreeing to give him another chance, and feeling now that I've made the wrong decision.

That's the only important thing here; he may or may not be cheating or on the verge of cheating but it's you who is having the doubt about your decision to try again. He's not for you, is he, and that's reason enough to call it a day.

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 12:24

How did you find out?

I found out because I asked him. I had suspected it, and he confirmed it was true.

OP posts:

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 12:26

For a different reason (so I could have a look at restaurants) he gave me his phone on Saturday. That was without me asking. And I didn't look at anything else, but I wonder whether he would just give me the phone if he had anything to hide?

OP posts:

booboo24 · 18/03/2019 12:38

Did he stand over you while you looked at it today? I'd say if he said 'yeah sure, use my phone" and then carried on whatever it was he was doing without watching you like a hawk, then that's a good sign. If he hovered and looked scared to death then that's different.

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 12:40

He lay down on the sofa and fell asleep. So no, he didn't monitor what I was doing at all.

OP posts:

booboo24 · 18/03/2019 13:07

Then I'd say that's a good sign. The thing is you can tie yourself in knots looking all the while and thinking well, he could have another phone, he could be hiding apps or deleting as he goes, but I do believe that eventually they trip up. It's no way to live worrying about the what ifs when, if they want to be, they'll always be one step ahead. If I were you I'd try and decide if you can ever really trust him, if you think you can then try to be happy and put your trust in him. He'll mess up eventually if he's messing around

VirtuallyConfused · 18/03/2019 15:01

That's a good sign.

I do hand over my phone but only for short periods or if I know they won't snoop into other bits, and I'd watch

booboo24 · 18/03/2019 16:06

Out of interest Virtually, do you leave your phone lying around? OP does your partner leave his around?

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 16:09

Yes, he does leave his phone around sometimes. It's not attached to him at all times. He "lost" the phone yesterday, and didn't seem too bothered by it. (As in, he couldn't find it, but didn't seem bothered by the fact that I might find it when we were both looking for it)

OP posts:

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 16:10

I wouldn't have thought he has a second phone. He spends a LOT of time on whatsapp on his current phone, I don't imagine he would have time for another phone on top of that! (Aware that sounds naive and it's very easy for people who are cheating to hide phones/find time to cheat)

OP posts:

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 16:30

Why do you think he won't treat you as he treated her?

Oh, I know. I know I'm taking a big risk in trusting he won't do the same to me.

How do you know the number was his Ex?

I don't for sure, although it's her photo on the whatsapp profile photo. He also gave me her email address, and this is the same email address that is on her professional website, so that's definitely hers even if the phone isn't.

This sounds like great advice, thank you. I wasn't sure how to word it, but that really helps.

OP posts:

NicoAndTheNiners · 18/03/2019 16:37

But if you checked and didn't find anything it proves nothing. He could send a message, delete it, get a reply, delete it. He could send hundreds of messages, WhatsApp's a day and you find no proof.

Original poster

saturdaycoffee · 18/03/2019 17:07

That's very true...

OP posts:

booboo24 · 18/03/2019 17:23

True but eventually he'd mess it up and get caught

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 18/03/2019 17:28

My ex offered for me to look at his phone in the midst of telling me I was totally mental for believing he could do xyz / how can you think I'm lying / swearing on his parents and nan etc lives.

I said yes ok then I'd like to look.

He immediately refused, said he couldn't believe I wanted to and thannit was proof that I dont trust him. "I've offered so obviously I have nothing to hide"

Yes, so show me.

"No, offering should be enough."

Obviously everything I suspected was of course true in the end.

Which is why he is an ex!

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 18/03/2019 17:34

Ps I cannot tell you how nice it is to be with someone I can trust now. I'm not saying that in a smug way, I just wish so so so much I'd realised it's not normal to constantly be on edge and feel like you're being lied to / out of the loop. It's unreal the difference to my MH.

Biggest thing I've realised is that at the stage you've reached it almost doesn't even matter if he is cheating or not - if you feel as anxious as you do now it is not a healthy relationship, it's not working.

I know exactly what anxiety you're feeling and IME if you feel that way, the relationship will get more and more toxic and you'll get more and more neurotic and he'll get more and more defensive and on and on and on. It's so destructive to feel no security in a relationship.

Give yourself a happy life, not a stressful and upsetting one!

ooItsAoBeautifulDayNow · 18/03/2019 17:50

Also just to say - to this day when I think about my ex doing the stuff he did behind my back, I get a physical gut punch feeling. Horrendous dull ache in my stomach.

I have no interest in seeing him again ever and honestly think of him as gross because of his behaviour but the memory of being that upset and obsessive hurts so much - I've googled "how to get rid of intrusive memories" more times than I can count.

Now I try really hard to turn the gut punch feeling from a memory of being physically ill from anxiety into a reminder of why I left and relief I will not let myself feel that way again.

This barely ever works and the gut punch is still so present - it is so damaging being in a relationship that causes that much anxiety.

I really hope you leave sooner than I did!

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