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Original poster

If a cheating partner has offered for you to look at their phone, have you ever done it?

110 replies

saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 08:17

Couldn’t find a succinct title for this.

I have been together with my partner for a year. I recently found out that when we got together, he was also seeing someone else. We briefly split up about it, but got back together, and he said that he understood why I would find it difficult to trust him again, and offered for me to look through his phone whenever I wanted, so I could reassure myself he wasn’t texting anyone he shouldn’t be.

Fast forward a few months, and I feel really uneasy. He is on WhatsApp/FB messenger almost all the time. Whenever I go online to text him, he is already online, and not texting me. I realise this sounds a bit paranoid, but if he hadn’t lied to me in the past I don’t think I’d feel so worried about it.

Do I ask to look at his phone, given that he had offered that as an option in the past? And how do I even ask to do that? I know he had offered it, but I am worried that if I ask he will think I still don’t trust him at all. I’m working on it, and he knows that. But it’s really hard.

OP posts:
VirtuallyConfused · 16/03/2019 08:30

As someone who cheats seeing his phone won't tell you if he is or not.

No cheater with a brain would have any messages, photos or apps obvious on their phone if they are happy to offer it up.

There's lots of ways to hide everything. No, I'm not saying.

category12 · 16/03/2019 08:31

Actually no. If you can't trust him at a year in, cut your losses and dump. Life's too short to be policing a partner, and be uncertain and unhappy.

NopeNi · 16/03/2019 08:34

If the trust is gone that's it IMO.

But this: "I am worried that if I ask he will think I still don’t trust him at all"

Fuck that in particular. Having to lie and feel awful inside, just to keep him happy, when he cheated on you and deceived you?

NameChangeNugget · 16/03/2019 08:47

Seriously??? After a year?

Come on OP, you’re worth more than this.

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 08:49

I only found out about it about a month ago, so no I’ve not had a year of this.

OP posts:
QuentinWinters · 16/03/2019 09:13

I had an agreement that I could ask to see DH phone after finding he'd been webcamming.
I asked 3times in 5 years and he responded ok the first time. The next two times he lost his shit, stormed off and blamed me.
Turned out (surprise surprise) he was camming again but I didn't find out til he had to disclose finances for divorce.

If you ask, be prepared he will:
Say no
Attack you for being paranoid
Gaslight you

So I think you can ask but do it with a hard boundary that you will follow through on if he says no

category12 · 16/03/2019 09:17

You've had a year of being lied to and now his behaviour is suspicious. It's a short relationship, I would advise not to make it a long one.

NameChangeNugget · 16/03/2019 10:58

What I meant OP, was you’ve only been together a year.

This isn’t normal.

TowelNumber42 · 16/03/2019 11:01

If I felt the need to check his phone that would tell me the relationship is already dead.

TowelNumber42 · 16/03/2019 11:04

When you say he was seeing someone else when you got together what do you mean?

Was it him starting dating a few different women then going exclusive with you?

Or was it him in a long term relationship, cheating on her with you, lying to you saying he was single, eventually breaking up with her but keeping you?

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 11:06

Or was it him in a long term relationship, cheating on her with you, lying to you saying he was single, eventually breaking up with her but keeping you?

This

OP posts:
TinselAndKnickers · 16/03/2019 11:06

Leave him.

TowelNumber42 · 16/03/2019 11:10

Well then you can't trust him because he's untrustworthy. He let you be the OW. If you'd have known would you have gone out with him? No? That's why he lied.

Cut your losses.

He tricked you into doing something you morally object to doing (I assume). His ex and her mates are no doubt cursing your name as a scumbag other woman. He didn't care about your reputation at all. He wanted sex with you so lied through his teeth, giving no fucks about your opinion.

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 11:38

He has been untrustworthy, yes. We talked it through, and we agreed to try again. Which is presumably why he has offered for me to look at his phone whenever I want, to "prove" that he's not doing it again.

Although I agree with VirtuallyConfused that it's easy to hide stuff.

OP posts:
Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 11:49

I don't know why I am defending him.

I think I'm just pissed off with myself for agreeing to give him another chance, and feeling now that I've made the wrong decision.

OP posts:
Dhalandchips · 16/03/2019 11:52

I've been here, I didn't end well...after 12 years. Just get out,move on. You'll hurt for a bit but you'll be glad you did it. It's not going to work if you're constantly questioning him/you. Good luck.

TowelNumber42 · 16/03/2019 11:56

His offer for you to check his phone misses a massive point. He lied to you. He made you into the OW, which you would never have done knowingly.

You can say "Getting back together has shown me this can never work because I will never trust you. It's over."

Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 12:13

His offer for you to check his phone misses a massive point. He lied to you. He made you into the OW, which you would never have done knowingly

I know. Rightly or wrongly I said I would forgive it and try and move forwards and try and rebuild trust in our relationship. But then he starts being online all the time and I start doubting stuff. And yes, I then do doubt that I could ever trust him. I'm quite an insecure person anyway so I question whether it's just my insecurity and paranoia, but given he has got form, I don't think it is.

Wanting to check his phone I feel might give me answers. But in reality, given he can just hide stuff, maybe it won't.

He gave me the telephone number of his ex so I could corroborate his story with her, to prove the version of what he told me about their relationship was the truth (he only saw her once in the time we overlapped, and they didn't sleep together). I haven't contacted her.

OP posts:
Original poster
saturdaycoffee · 16/03/2019 12:14

But I am hearing everyone who is saying "leave".

Nobody has thought any of this is worth staying for.

OP posts:
Fidgety31 · 16/03/2019 12:43

If you want the relationship to last then you have to work on your own trust issues and definitely not check his phone.
Else where does it stop? Will you want to check it everyday ? Put a tracker on it ?

He may be online chatting to friends. It doesn’t mean he has to text you at the same time .
I’m always online but if someone was monitoring and asking what I was up to then that would just push me away .

If you can’t trust him without checking on him then the relationship will go no where .

category12 · 16/03/2019 12:45

OP doesn't have "trust issues" - she has a boyfriend who has demonstrated he's untrustworthy.

Sn0tnose · 16/03/2019 16:03

I can guarantee you that he only invited you to see his phone because he was confident that there was nothing on it that would cause him any problems and he was trying to convince you that he wasn't a practicing liar and cheat (even though he was).

If you asked to see it now, with no warning and giving him no opportunity to edit it first, I'd bet my mortgage that he would refuse and accuse you of not trusting him so he has an excuse to storm out & delete anything incriminating before you get the chance to see it.it

Is all of this really worth it? All the pain and angst and worry and self doubt that you're going through right now? It 's just exhausting. And it doesn't get any easier, believe me!

You don't need hard evidence that he's a shit if you want to walk run away from him. It's enough that you don't trust him and you don't like the way he's behaving towards you.

QuentinWinters · 16/03/2019 16:19

If you asked to see it now, with no warning and giving him no opportunity to edit it first, I'd bet my mortgage that he would refuse and accuse you of not trusting him so he has an excuse to storm out & delete anything incriminating before you get the chance to see it.

Exactly what happened to me. You need a plan of how to deal with that if it happens

Sn0tnose · 16/03/2019 16:55

You need a plan of how to deal with that it it happens

Does she though? Or does she simply say to herself 'This man lied to me and broke my trust. I gave him another chance but I still do not trust him and he has done little or nothing to rectify this situation. I do not want to be in a relationship with someone who I believe might lie to me and cheat on me. This 'relationship ' is over'

I think people are conditioned to want proof that their suspicions were correct before they walk away, and I've done this too, so I understand that need. But it's enough to end a relationship simply because you don't trust someone. Why would you want to give anyone further opportunities to cause you pain?

TowelNumber42 · 16/03/2019 19:49

Just because you said you'd forgive him doesn't mean you are stuck for life. You can just say you don't feel happy so it is over. You don't have to give a list of reasons. Character assassinations while dumping are mean anyway.