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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help me have strength. Hes just smashed up my kitchen

150 replies

Teacoffeechoc · 14/03/2019 11:05

So partner has always had a bad temper and arguments have got out of hand before.
This morning I went for a coffee with a friend and he has smashed up the kitchen because he doesn't like my friend. He threw the microwave at me but I managed to dodge it. He has smashed glasses of the floor and walls. Hes broken my washing machine and oven.

I asked him to leave and he has. But know he will come back as he has left his charger here.
He has taken all money and food from his kids as he is trying to get to me.

Give me strength to finally get rid of him please.

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 15/03/2019 17:06

Well done OP. Have the police advised what will happen now? Have you been assigned a specialist DV liaison?

BoswellsBonkersBrexshit · 15/03/2019 17:10

Whatever you do, do not go back to him. I hope you stay safe.

SurvivingCBeebies · 15/03/2019 17:19

Hope you're ok OP... it's good you're at your mums... hopefully you can get the support you need to work things out xx

needsleepzzz · 15/03/2019 17:20

Stay strong OP! Thanks

SirVixofVixHall · 15/03/2019 17:24

Wishing you strength and safety op. Your life will be so much better without this man in it.
Flowers

BlackeyedGruesome · 15/03/2019 17:27

of course your head is all over the place.

the person who is supposed to love you has been violent and threatening,

the children's father has put his child at risk throwing stuff about.

the children's father has deprived them of food and money (calculating and vindictive)

you have seen violence and had your house trashed. all these things make your head shut down and try to block it out.

twas the same with me. different violence, same head all a muddle, can't think shut down refuse to process, not taking it all in.

well done for getting out. well done for calling the police. you have made one of the first really difficult steps, be proud of yourself and your strength.

wigglypiggly · 15/03/2019 17:30

Stay strong, let your mum look after you and the children. When you're ready the police will help you, hopefully the landlord will evict him and you will be safely away from this horrid horrid man.Flowers

hiddengem86 · 15/03/2019 17:49

Welldone teacoffeechoc you have done the right thing, even though you probably don't feel it is. It will only get worse for you and your children. I put up with this for four years and it started by throwing things and turned into terrible physical and emotional abuse. Set boundaries for yourself and the sake of your children. He wants you to have no friends to become dependant on him and when he is abusive you still need him. It's such a viscous cycle. it's not a place you want to be. Good luck x

Harebel · 15/03/2019 18:05

Well done for phoning the police, that takes courage. I can understand your reluctance and how frightening it must have been to do it. It's a step in the right direction.

Sorry this happened to you OP Thanks

CanuckBC · 15/03/2019 20:12

You have done the right thing. He will not stop. You need the protection of the police for yourself and the children.

Please accept it all! No contact order or whatever is equivalent there. An order to not go to your residence and to not contact the children at this time of at all possible. Stick to it! He could have killed you or your 4 yr old!

ineedaholidaynow · 15/03/2019 20:43

Stay strong OP Flowers

IM0GEN · 15/03/2019 21:34

He left you with no choice . Because one way or another, social services would have got involved. Even if you hadn’t reported it, a neighbour would. Or your 4yo would have mentioned it at nursery and they would have called social services.

You would be seen as a “ bad mother “ for protecting the abuser rather than your children. You could risk losing your children. But now you will be seen for who you are - a good mother who puts her kids first.

He has made this happen, not you. He has forced you chose between him and the kids.

Palace13 · 16/03/2019 00:00

OP. You are being so strong and doing the right thing even though you're so scared. Please - from my own experience - don't be alone during this period if your partner is not locked up, although I bloody hope he is.
Keep in touch with police so you know what's happening.
As everyone else has said, ring WomenAid and follow their guidance.
Best of luck. you and the kids do not deserve this, it's not your fault.

livinglavidavillanelle · 16/03/2019 00:05

Oh god how awful for you.

You've done the right thing OP, 100%.

Any time that you feel like going back or it just seems like too much, remember how scared he made your 4 year old. Do it for them.

You've been so brave, it's a terrifying place to be but it will be ok.

Stay safe Thanks

ciderhouserules · 16/03/2019 09:36

Well done OP. He deserves to be behind bars. He is a violent thug, and he cannot intimidate or hurt anyone if he's in Police custody - I hope they are intimidating him a bit!

It's his own doing, not yours. He cannot continue to do this to you.

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet · 16/03/2019 17:19

Well done. Your future children will now say "My father smashed up the house and frightened us, so Mum divorced him" instead of "We had to watch our father beat our mother for years and we were terrified of him".
You have done the only sane, sensible thing possible.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 16/03/2019 18:39

Well done, Teacoffeechoc. Whenever you start to waver, remind yourself that it wasn't you who caused this. It was him. All him. Only him. He could easily have killed you or the 4 year old child who witnessed it. What sort of shit does that, FFS?

And I endorse PPs who say that when they grow up you want your kids to say that their dad was a violent abuser but their mum got shot of the bastard and kept them safe, rather than that they grew up in a miserable abusive household.

joedo · 16/03/2019 19:19

I think the overwhelming response from everyone confirms what you already know.

Get the police involved and get yourself into a safe environment.

kuljtra · 17/03/2019 06:28

This reply has been deleted

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SuperLoudPoppingAction · 17/03/2019 06:37

Kuljtra, what possible response could the op give you to your question that would allow you to support her better?
I suggest you do some reading about coercive control.

katseyes7 · 17/03/2019 16:12

You've done the right thing, OP. My ex husband used to smash the house up and bully and abuse me. He once told me that one of his earliest memories was of his mother backed into a corner with his dad (who was a big man) kicking and punching her. He was four years old at the time, and he tried to pull his dad away to stop him hitting her. Please be strong for yourself and your little ones. lt's hard, but not as hard as having regrets years down the line because you didn't get away from him. x

LadyB49 · 17/03/2019 19:39

I was holding my breath and only relaxed when I saw you had phoned the police.
Well done.
Please don't listen if he says he will change.
No man worth anything would do this to his family.

ApplestheHare · 17/03/2019 19:44

Well done OP, you have 100% done the right thing even though you must be terrified. Stay strong Flowers

notapizzaeater · 17/03/2019 19:48

You've done the right thing - think how scared your 4 yr old must have been.

BlimeyCalmDown · 17/03/2019 20:03

Make sure you follow through with pressing charges otherwise a court will allow him unsupervised access to your child, you need this as evidence. Even if you think he wouldn't go to court to get access, he could do it just to get back at you. Also make sure you get a restraining order against him.

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