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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is this behaviour? Was I in the wrong?

105 replies

MoreWaterPlix · 14/03/2019 09:24

Little backstory - Me and DP been together for 6 years, living together for 5. Both female, no children. No history of anything violent.

I am starting to see a pattern in my partners behaviour that I am not quite comfortable. Before I go into that, I will start with what happened last night.

Tuesday evening DP brought home a pack of 5 creme eggs for us, lovely. I didn't eat any, I have to be in the mood for chocolate.

Wednesday evening I came home and was really looking forward to one, I felt lethargic and had a stressful day at work. I asked her where they were and she did a purposely cheeky shifty face as if to say she had eaten them all. I asked if she was serious and she said "Yes, but I didnt eat them all yesterday, I took some to work today".

I said thats mean and that I was looking forward to them, not to mention there were 5!!!!

I left to go to the shop and she said jokingly "I will have a wispa please, and a twix, all the chocolate please".

I came back with a selection of chocolate and said to her in a half joking way "you can piss off if you think you're having any" and half laughed. She then grabbed 2 wispas and I said "no way! Come on now, you ate all those creme eggs and if you ..." before I ended the sentence she said "ALRIGHT MOREWATERPLIX" in a really stern voice and then ignored me.

She was making dinner at the time and when it was cooked she placed it in front of me and said sarcastically "there you go light of my life", put her phone on with netflix and didn't speak to me.

After food, to avoid the arguments going on and on I gave her choclate (which is what I had planned anyway) and she said she didn't want it.

She didnt come to bed until late, didnt speak to me this morning and left without saying goodbye.

Before the chocolate incident I was trying to tell her a story about my day and its hard to explain but this is a version fo how it went:

Me: I don't really want to show this blood form to my boss when I ask for time off because it tells you what its for

DP: Don't want to what?

Me: Repeats sentence

DP: Dont want to show what form

This goes on, she is mucking around like she usually does and I say "dont start now, im not in the mood" .

She winds me up, she will pretend she hasn't heard things or repeat what I have said. She can be really childish. It is very rare that I am able to have a grown up conversation with her. I really haven't explained myself well here have I?

I personally dont think I have done anything wrong, yes I teased her about the chocolate but she was a greedy fucker and ate all 5 in 24 hours. She never keeps me anything, I will buy 2 custard slices as a treat and if I dont eat mine within 24 hours she will eat it.

I just felt like I needed to put this down somewhere I guess. I will happily accept that I was int he wring but feel I need more opinions.

OP posts:
shutupyoueejit · 14/03/2019 11:08

Regarding the creme eggs-
I think she's very selfish. My husband would never not leave me at least one, even if I said I didn't fancy one at the present moment. Even if he bought one just for me or one each - he would never just eat it if I left it.

TowelNumber42 · 14/03/2019 11:09

Forget the creme eggs. You are in a shit relationship where you are being taken advantage of.

What's your housing situation? Own or rent? In whose name?

hiddeneverything · 14/03/2019 11:11

Ooooooh I'd love a wispa just now!

Original poster
MoreWaterPlix · 14/03/2019 11:13

Rent, only her name on it. No reason why, should have added me a long time ago.

All my family live in the city but we are quite rural and close to her family.

2 bedrooms. She couldnt afford it on her own, I could at a push though. But then I would be very isolated.

OP posts:
Original poster
MoreWaterPlix · 14/03/2019 11:13

@hiddeneverything me too! I have hidden them in the sock drawer

OP posts:
rumptifizzer · 14/03/2019 11:14

I think you need to end this relationship as you don't seem to be getting anything out of it. She seems very selfish and uncaring.

Ohyesiam · 14/03/2019 11:19

You sound like my kids who have circular escalating argument which neither of them will step out of.

If she really won’t have adult conversation it sounds like you need someone else.

TowelNumber42 · 14/03/2019 11:20

How much notice would she have to give the landlord? OK so you could legally move out immediately but if that would out her in the shit it would be nice to give her reasonable notice.

Where would you like to live? Time to look at some new rentals for yourself I think. Ideally somewhere that helps you socialise.

SleepingStandingUp · 14/03/2019 11:20

So could you move into the second bedroom short term and look for somewhere in your own closer to work?
None of your posts are screaming "but I love her and want it to work"

rainingonmyfireworks · 14/03/2019 11:22

you could give notice and give her chance to find a house mate, it is not your concern in the long term how she affords the rent. but you def.need to move.

Janus · 14/03/2019 11:23

I read the first post and thought who argues over creme eggs? Your update shows it’s very much not just the creme eggs!
Do you own or rent? If you ownnits time to sell up and divide any profits and go it alone. If you rent give a months notice if you can and go and find a smaller place.
Honestly, it’s the not doing things for you and ignoring your wishes that would make me leave, as you say, she just thinks about herself, that’s not someone you want to spend your life with.

Original poster
MoreWaterPlix · 14/03/2019 11:24

I do love her and want it to work but like others have said, we are more like sisters. There are many things wrong in this relationship. I think I will have a look at what kind of prices I would be looking at renting closer to work.

OP posts:
Janus · 14/03/2019 11:26

Crossed posts.
She has the choice to rent out the second bedroom and therefore afford to stay. You can find somewhere less rural and cheaper. You can’t not leave because you worry how she’ll afford it. She’ll have to work it out.
In fact, if you’re not on the rental agreement you can leave whenever you want.
I’d get a local paper and start looking at your options.
Good luck Flowers

Arowana · 14/03/2019 11:26

I think your DP has a secret binge eating disorder. Five creme eggs is too many for one person, but she’s clearly embarrassed about it and your behaviour made her feel worse.

The stuff about mumbling and pretending not to hear would drive me mad though.

Furrydogmum · 14/03/2019 11:27

I think you would be happier without her.. Why not go away for a short break alone to test the water..

QueenEhlana · 14/03/2019 11:36

Well I think you've answered the question of whether she just has impulse control or whether she's a selfish git - she's definitely a selfish git. She's never going to change. If this annoys you now, it will just get worse.

I think this is where you need to think Marie Kondo - does she spark joy in your life????

GarthFunkel · 14/03/2019 13:52

It sounds like this isn't about creme eggs at all. If it was just about creme eggs, I'd say you snooze, you lose. You've just grown up and she hasn't, not as much. But add in the family stuff, the smoking, the dog - you sound like you're 6 months away from being irritated by the way she breathes. Your expectations, values - whatever you want to call it are not shared or aligned with hers.

Boysey45 · 14/03/2019 16:33

If you stay with this woman do you think she would be able to support you through a serious life crisis which we all come across at some point. Not creme eggs, but serious illnesses, death of a parent, job loss etc. If she's unable to have a serious conversation, then how is she going to support you when you really need it? Theres no chance she will step up for you.

roses2 · 14/03/2019 16:51

You both eat way too much chocolate is my advice. Way too much.

OrdinaryGirl · 14/03/2019 18:51

What does the Creme egg represent for you? 🤔

DianaT1969 · 14/03/2019 20:26

Have you thought about filming a documentary of your lives? Googlebox style. Bonkers. People wouldn't believe it. I read half the thread only, but think you both need to leave and never meet up again.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 14/03/2019 21:08

Your decision to stay in this relationship is INSANITY. You do understand that, don't you, OP? Insanity.

Needsomebottle · 14/03/2019 21:20

For what it's worth my DH is much the same with chocolate. I could go at a large bar slowly for weeks. If it's there, he'll eat it. We don't squabble over it to be fair but we did used to have silly arguments like that. Now on the chocolate front we buy our own. Sounds ridiculous but it works for us. He knows not to eat mine without asking and vice versa. He's a bugger with all other food though and will finish something, not tell me it's gone, leave a morsel that's no use to anyone, eat stuff just cos it's there... But chocolate... We have that nailed now. The rest I just accept that he will always do. 🙄

CantStopMeNow · 14/03/2019 23:13

I dont really have anywhere to go
Bullshit.
You're just being a coward about moving out on your own.
At age 30 you should really be self sufficient enough to manage that.

She's selfish, greedy, passive aggressive, immature and more than likely abusive....yet YOU chose to put up with it all this time.
Where's your self respect? Self esteem? Self worth?

You can end this shit show whenever you like.
Stop going to see her family/events.
Stop cooking, ironing etc for her.
Sleep in the spare room.
Find a place and move out.

It sounds like your 'relationship' has reached the end of the road anyway.

CanuckBC · 15/03/2019 05:15

Just one thing to add, my ex-he did the joking thing where he would constantly cross the line. It just wasn’t funny. It was addressed by me, by counseling, at one point I was to give him an f’ing smarty when it was happening it was so freaking bad. It doesn’t get better. They don’t get it. He is now doing it to our children and he still doesn’t have a clue. Our youngest is having mental health issues and one issue is his dad teasing him. He doesn’t have a fucking clue and continues🤬🤯

It sounds overall that you are not compatible. I am sure the joking, teasing more relaxed side drew you in at one point. In the end it gets tiring as the never being able to just be without it is so tiring.

My relationship was the same, every Sunday at his parents but when at mine he would go sleep?!? It was also more special occasion ie Easter, birthdays etc.