Can i break the cycle, or is it time to call it a day? (long, self pitying rant)

[lucyellensmum]

This might be long.

I have been with DP for 15 years. I had a child from a previous relationship and he took her on as his own. He has been great, our relationship has been great, fantastic, i thought we were soul mates.

Then two years ago, i had a baby, she is the light of my life (and his) and we adore her.

Things were hard when she was born, traumatic birth, difficulty bf, bereavement, financial difficulties........bla de blaa blaa blaa. We seem to have survived all that.

Its just that ever since we seem to be stuck in a cycle of bickering and spite. The weekends are the worse, we are tired and thats when it manifests itself. Constant sniping ending up with one or other of us threatening to leave. I dont think either of us really mean it. The trouble is, lately, he seems distant, he says he isnt and even though we make up we just dont seem to be so loving. I am a very emotional and affectionate person and im insecure and NEED reassurance. He knows this. When i ask him why he isnt loving towards me, he just says he is not a very affectionate person (absolute bullshit, he used to be completely OTT head over heals in love with me, as i was with him - even after so long together, people would comment on it). I find myself behaving badly, quite bizzarely at times, just to provoke a reaction which of course justs ends up in anotehr row. About a year ago he said that he had no feelings for me and everytime we argued he felt less and less for me. That has stuck in my mind and plays like a loop, he has said to me more than once that he is only here because of DD, but then he says he loves me and would never leave.

This plays over and over, predictably every weekend now, i end up feeling like shit, i suspect he does too, the trouble is, the better times are starting to feel shallow and forced. I am not sure now even if it is me or him.

I love him so much, i mean, we had what i thought was an unbreakable bond how can that have gone? He is a decent man, never been unfaithful, never shown any interest, never been one for disappearing down the pub etc, we did EVERYTHING together, he used to idolise me and i knew this by his actions. Now i dont think he even likes me and is hanging on for his DD and because it was so good before.

I know that alot of this is my fault, ive changed, i used to be confident, self assured, loud, OTT and good fun, now im withdrawn, prone to temper tantrums (i was ready to start throwing all the shoes off the shelves on saturday as the shop assistants ignored us - different rant)and completely unsexual. It can't be PND, my DD is nearly two.

It is my graduation on wednesday and i dont even want to go, i feel it was all for nothing, my dad wont be there (he died and didnt even get to see my DD) and now it now it seems that DP is just going through the motions, i so want him to be proud of me but i dont feel proud of myself so why should he be. I try to break out of the cycle and be positive but something just happens to knock me back down.

Am i flogging a dead horse? Should i give up before we hate each other, i thought he had left on friday and i was distraught but we cant carry on like this, he is so unhappy i know he is and its because of me but i dont know what to do to change it.

ah, it would seem that people are too busy with the really important stuff on here then, like what to cook for dinner and whether to iron the fecking duvet!!!

ah, it would seem that people are too busy with the really important stuff on here then, like what to cook for dinner and whether to iron the fecking duvet!!!

have you thought about Relate?
you have been through a hell of a lot by the sounds of things and although you have survived it, perhaps your relationship took a real battering
You are stuck in a cycle of behaviours that need to stop or you will end up hating each other#
you have identified that you do certain things to provoke a reaction but it isn't all your fault either
Don't give up on each other and your relationship before you have tried to salvage it
and i think it can be PND even if your DD is 2

They might still be reading and thinking...

I know you went through parenthood before with your first two children, but life with babies and toddlers does tend to suck all the life from an adult relationship, imo.

And, yes it can be PND. Not , maybe, PND, but a long term chronic depression triggerd by all the chemical changes in your body during pg and beyond. I know, because I had it, and felt exactly as you describe. I finally went to my GP - and 6 months on a low-dose AD made me feel more like my real self. Before that I viewed the downward spiral of my relationship as a self-prophesying inevitable route.

Think carefully about depression - it isn't as you imagine it is, necessarily - try counselling, try some time alone without your child.

Try everything before you thrwo the baby out with the bathwater - and good luck.

Meant to say - DS was 2 when depression was dx'd.

Hey LEM,

Just logged on and didn't want you to go unanswered. You say that you feel DH isn't happy with you but on reading towards the end of your mail it really does sound that it's YOU who isn't happy with you either. As you say, you're not the person you used to be and you're not happy. I feel a bit like I'm trotting out a stock line here but I think maybe if it isn't PND it could well be good old fashioned, plain and simple depression. No fancy names, no specialised issues, just downright miserable depression. Things are seeming pointless to you and you appear to want to push DH away, if not admittedly so but perhaps subconsciously. Would you not consider trying something to make yourself happier which I have absolutely no doubt would help ?

I don't have much to say that's new or unusual I'm afraid, but I wanted you to have a response and realise people do care.

It sounds to me (not an expert by any means) that you still have the foundations of mutual respect and underlying love to be worth fighting for. You have just got stuck in a vicious cycle of arguing.

I really think that, in situations like that, outside help can do wonders. Would you - and your partner - consider counselling? It might help you to understand why you're pushing him to react, and him to understand why you feel you need to. I'm sure that there are loads of other 'little' things too that you could understand in each other.

I also think (not having been in the situation myself, but having seen it in others) that history often repeats itself. I have seen other people on MN (can't remember the thread, sorry) say that they left a DP once for similar reasons and that, a few years down the line, their new relationship was falling into the same pattern. Sometimes leaving isn't the solution you think it is.

Sorry if any of this oversteps the mark. I'm doing my best since no one else answered. Sure someone better will be along soon .

Oh, others arrived whilst I was typing...

Sorry you feel this way, i agree, it may just be old fashioned depression. Try counselling, and sort of therapy, i'm sure talking more openly and honestly could be the answer. Good luck

thanks for the replies. I dont think relate will work tbh and dp would never entertain the idea. Sometimes i would like someone to say to my DP, look, your partners loves you, shes scared and she doesnt know what to do to make things right but ive told him that myself.

If i thought a visit to the GP would help i would go, but what can she do, apart from prozac? I'm not one for medication and i view counselling as wallowing iyswim.

My dp thinks i should get a job, i would like to but i just dont have the confidence, i also dont want to leave DD yet. We are struggling to make ends meet and the frustrating thing is, if i could get a job we would not only not be struggling we would be doing ok and could probably buy a bigger house, god knows we need it. I am actually quite scared that this is depression because i do sometimes feel like i am drowning and losing control but i cant see how outside help can help. I know full well that depression is a physical thing but im just reacting to a bad couple of years and need to pull myself together. If i know all this, then why the hell cant i just do it???

I could be PND. I was diagnosed when my DD was nearly 18m old. It does sound like you are depressed - whatever the cause - and losing your father will have contributed. As will lack of money and tiredness.

I recognise so much of what you wrote about your relationship. Good luck

"If i know all this, then why the hell cant i just do it??? "

Because, sadly, depression isn't that easy to beat. Do think about going to the GP. Drugs are not the only option. It might even help just to have someone medically qualified confirm that you are ill. It might make it easier if you have that official confirmation of WHY you feel the way you do, even if you don't want medication or counselling. It might be something else entirely - not depression, but something where these feelings are a symptom. We're all just basically guessing based on what you've told us and our own experiences.

Sorry to hear that Relate/ counselling (I meant joint by the way, like Relate, but not necessarily by them IFSWIM) is not an option.

Even if it's a total no, have you thought about actually sitting down with your husband and saying "I am so worried about our relationship that I think maybe we need outside help". Maybe it would help you both if you could recognise (in that way or some other) how serious the situation is, even if you don't want to actually go.

"I know full well that depression is a physical thing but im just reacting to a bad couple of years and need to pull myself together. If i know all this, then why the hell cant i just do it??? "

Because you can't. You need help to do it. Some wounds heal on their own, some don't. It sounds like your wounds need help to heal. Don't dismiss AD's out of hand. Talk to your GP and discuss the best options for you.

well, I'm not one for medication, either. Physical excercise usually does it for me - very regular good cardio-vascular workouts and lots of muscle building stuff, too. But that wasn't happening as a mother of a toddler, and a job.
Eventually i did go to the doctor, and she toldm that if my stores of iron were seriously down, what would i do? Take iron tablets because once you regain iron levels your body can start storing it again. And it's the same with serotonin. Once the level in your brin drops, your body cannot make it's own supply any more. Kickstart it (by inhibiting the chemical which soaks it up...) and your body can then start building up it's won stores naturally again.

The alternative is...don't do relate because your dh won't, don't do counselling because it's wallowing, don't do SDs because you don't do mediaction...and what are you left with? Divorce, because you do do divorce?

Counselling might help you identify what you do, (apart from divorce), AD's might help you regain what you do do....

I think RibenaBerry makes a great popint about leaving isn't always what you think it is!

Why not go along to your gp and see what he/she has to say? You won't be forced into counselling or medication unless you agree. It may help just to discuss your situation with someone completely impartial. It does sound like you may be depressed, from what you say about your personality change and lack of confidence. If your dp is anything like my dh, he can't really handle it (the depression) and reacts by withdrawing.

PND can be dx'd a lot later than you might expect, also it is possible to get non-post natal depression in the first few years of a childs life, which is what has happened to me.

btw, I have a Lucy Ellen

counselling is actually really good at helping to identify triggers for certain behaviours so you can stop the pattern of behaviours
it isn't wallowing - counselling is hard work

I dont want to go to my GP because if i do then it will end up with me being "watched" by health professionals with DD, social services might start poking their beaks in and that is one thing i am confident of, i am a good mother (LEM says proudly). ADs scare the life out of me, as does anything that messes with your brain, it cant be a good thing. I'm not completely ignorant to how these things work and its certainly not a road i want to travel.

TBH, i think all i need is for my DP to come home one night with a huge bunch of flowers, well carnations would do, but for this to be unprompted and for him to just tell me that he really does love me. That he is proud of me and that he wants our relationship to work. He seems happy just to go from day to day and can forget the rows but i cant and that is why i behave like i do. If i thought he truly loved me then i could get over this.
I have thought about actually leaving, so that i can shock him into reaslising how i feel and to make him realise that he does love me and doesnt want to lose me, if i thought it wouldnt backfire i would do it.

Don't dismiss counselling. I've had counselling and it can be very effective and surprisingly quick - no wallowing at all, on the contrary - it's rather enjoyable, making headway on understanding your problems and seeing them disappear.

I really don't think you should give up on your relationship without at least trying some professional help.

lucyellensmum, you sound very unhappy and very afraid - not surprisingly, if you have both got into the habit of saying you might have to leave. Not conducive to making either of you feel secure.

You are both hanging on in there. I do think though that your reaction to any suggestion of help here is the same as your reaction to your dh - push it away. Prozac's no good, counselling is wallowing, your GP could only offer one of the above so is therefore no good... It sounds as if your dh has similar opinions - do you think he would be upset if you talked to someone and it wasn't him? This would be understandable tbh, but it locks you both into not asking for help, perhaps?

What would happen if you started taking Prozac and felt better?

What would happen if you went to see a counsellor (perhaps a bereavement counsellor, specifically) and they sat there and just listened to you? What would you say to them?

I really hope you do find a way out of this - you can remember better times and I believe you may be able, not to get back to the old days, but to find a happier future.

maybe im scared of counselling because it might tell me something i dont want to hear

Lucy - I got prescribed counselling by my GP when I was pregnant, on the advice of my midwife. The HV did take a look at me - and then left me alone, she quickly understood that I was a perfectly good potential mother and that my problems lay somewhere else entirely . So don't worry on that score.

Really - a bunch of flowers won't solve your problems... a lovely romantic idea, I know. Please see your GP about some marital counselling

Why do you think you would be watched by health professionals? Unless there are special circumstances then social services won't get involved at all. It is a myth that depressed mums are automatically labelled bad mothers. I know plenty of people, and there are loads here on these boards, that are being treated for depression as if it were any other illness, which it is. Being depressed does not make you an incapable parent, which the health professionals and social services are well aware of.

lucy - you are right, counselling does make you hear and see things you are in denial about

But - the good thing is that no-one will condemn you for those things in counselling and they will provide a supportive environment for you to explore solutions to your problems

I cannot tell you how different my life is today to the life I had five years ago - I am transformed and it gets better all the time

"I dont want to go to my GP because if i do then it will end up with me being "watched" by health professionals with DD, social services might start poking their beaks in and that is one thing i am confident of, i am a good mother (LEM says proudly)"

Good grief, Why on earth do you think discussing the possibility of depression with your GP would lead to being watched and SS involved? The problem would have to be immensley more severe for anything like that to happen! Mothers on ADs are good mothers who happen to be suffering from depression - and are probably better mothers fr acknowledging that and dealing with it!!!!

I'm not trying to persuade you - just react to what you say.

maybe i'll go to my GP, i'll give it a week, see how things go and if i still feel like shit, i'll knock on her door and demand prozac well not prozac, i dont think its necesarily the wonder drug it proclaims to be.