Can i break the cycle, or is it time to call it a day? (long, self pitying rant)

[lucyellensmum]

This might be long.

I have been with DP for 15 years. I had a child from a previous relationship and he took her on as his own. He has been great, our relationship has been great, fantastic, i thought we were soul mates.

Then two years ago, i had a baby, she is the light of my life (and his) and we adore her.

Things were hard when she was born, traumatic birth, difficulty bf, bereavement, financial difficulties........bla de blaa blaa blaa. We seem to have survived all that.

Its just that ever since we seem to be stuck in a cycle of bickering and spite. The weekends are the worse, we are tired and thats when it manifests itself. Constant sniping ending up with one or other of us threatening to leave. I dont think either of us really mean it. The trouble is, lately, he seems distant, he says he isnt and even though we make up we just dont seem to be so loving. I am a very emotional and affectionate person and im insecure and NEED reassurance. He knows this. When i ask him why he isnt loving towards me, he just says he is not a very affectionate person (absolute bullshit, he used to be completely OTT head over heals in love with me, as i was with him - even after so long together, people would comment on it). I find myself behaving badly, quite bizzarely at times, just to provoke a reaction which of course justs ends up in anotehr row. About a year ago he said that he had no feelings for me and everytime we argued he felt less and less for me. That has stuck in my mind and plays like a loop, he has said to me more than once that he is only here because of DD, but then he says he loves me and would never leave.

This plays over and over, predictably every weekend now, i end up feeling like shit, i suspect he does too, the trouble is, the better times are starting to feel shallow and forced. I am not sure now even if it is me or him.

I love him so much, i mean, we had what i thought was an unbreakable bond how can that have gone? He is a decent man, never been unfaithful, never shown any interest, never been one for disappearing down the pub etc, we did EVERYTHING together, he used to idolise me and i knew this by his actions. Now i dont think he even likes me and is hanging on for his DD and because it was so good before.

I know that alot of this is my fault, ive changed, i used to be confident, self assured, loud, OTT and good fun, now im withdrawn, prone to temper tantrums (i was ready to start throwing all the shoes off the shelves on saturday as the shop assistants ignored us - different rant)and completely unsexual. It can't be PND, my DD is nearly two.

It is my graduation on wednesday and i dont even want to go, i feel it was all for nothing, my dad wont be there (he died and didnt even get to see my DD) and now it now it seems that DP is just going through the motions, i so want him to be proud of me but i dont feel proud of myself so why should he be. I try to break out of the cycle and be positive but something just happens to knock me back down.

Am i flogging a dead horse? Should i give up before we hate each other, i thought he had left on friday and i was distraught but we cant carry on like this, he is so unhappy i know he is and its because of me but i dont know what to do to change it.

Aw,glad to hear it.

Sure you'll look fab in the graduation photo!

Glad you are feeling a bit better today. One thing that you haven't mentioned on this thread but have posted about elsewhere is your concerns re:your DD's speech, do you think this may also be a factor in how you are feeling atm. The strong impression I'm getting from this thread is more of an anxiety thing about things that are out of your control.

Apart from the mainstream suggestions of ADs (if medically appropriate)/counselling etc, also things like diet, regular exercise, regular treats, yoga, meditation, relaxation, aromatherapy can also help you feel better about yourself.

Prozac isn't a "wonder" drug - but I think that the hysterical "Prozac will IMPROVE your personality" type publicity isn't really happening anymore. What it can do, if it works, is help lift your mood, so that the unbearable becomes bearable again. Doesn't change your personality, doesn't make you an "addict".

I took prozac - and you are right it is not a wonder drug - it made me feel 'normal' again, able to feel something/anything. I know when i am getting low now as i tend to not enjoy being a mum. i have not taken anymore drugs but done some of the other things like time out for myself, and exercise. Even just finding time to do a home face or hair treatment and a ten minute catch up can work wonders. You need to build it into what i am sure is a very busy life.

The haircut sounds as though it has already worked wonders - flowers. So have you done anything nice for him? How about a nice meal.

Good luck today and well done.

today was good, i needed to be reminded that i actually have a brain somewhere tucked away.

Made me think i may go back to work soon, DP would quite like to have some time home with DD so that would work really well for us. Money would still be tight, but at least i would bring in a regular wage.

I think i will hold off on the ADs and just see how things toddle along. I do have some concerns re DDs speech and development, but then isnt that a mothers job, to worry

Glad you are sounding more possitive. Agree about the AD but maybe if you just went to see your Gp or health visitor it might help. When is i was feeling low i made an appointment and had a chat with my Gp so that he knew if i needed AD i could just phone and tell him, just admitting that we are a bit low and not totally mad can help.

I am sure you have a brain just that some of it goes when we give birth - so think of me with 4. Tea time is the worst though any kind of brain i have then is completly switched off by the constant demands.

Well thats my good intentions of a new positive me down the drain. I really had decided on wednesday that this was going to be a new start, for all of us. Everything was fine, DP was home late tonight but i didnt say anything, i was fine, we planned on having a day out tomorrow. Then when im trying to put DD to bed my mother rings up ranting about some shite with her sister (not even going to go into it, its pathetic) and i felt that DP going round to chat to her would calm her down. This turned into a massive row, out of the blue, over nothing - ive just been told that every day he has been with me has been shit, that he doesnt want to support me because i bring shit to his life. This wasnt about my mother but the fact that he is stressed about money, he is trying to establish a building business and it isnt going well. I've just got it with both barrels, he told me that he is only with me for DD and now wont speak to me. I dont want to paint a bad picture of him because he isnt able to put his side of things across, he said MY mother, My problem, but i only suggested him to go round and chat to her because she thinks a lot of him and whilst i would probably have made things worse he could have calmed her down.

Now im left wanting to have this out with him but i know it will end up with me digging at him to try and get a reaction, getting more and more spiteful and then it turns about to be me causing all the trouble. I just wish that if he doesnt want to be with me, he would say so, well he has tonight, maybe i should listen. The trouble is, i have NO money, he isnt in the position to pay deposits on flats for me and DD and there is no way i could afford to pay the mortgage here. Im not working at the moment and no child care in place for DD. Besides, i love him which is why this hurt me so much tonight. Ive really tried hard to be upbeat and positive since wednesday and i actually felt happier and like the future was something to look forward to again. Now im scared again.

Sorry, long and self pitying AGAIN

anyone?

i could really use some support just now

Bumping for you - you are not alone.

I am not the best person to advise on relationships, but I hope someone will be along soon.

fuck, you know your alone when........you cant even get a reply on the fucking computor

i'm shit at relationships as well but here goes... what he said was unforgiveable, but hopefully in the cold light of day he will realise that himself. Could the business problems be at the root of the stress/arguments - as that could be making him more distant. I'ld just try to get your head down and get some sleep now, then try and find some quiet time to have a talk over the weekend.

it seems ive managed to piss EVERYONE off then

We have had problems also. I am not great at this stuff, but you said you want to have this evenings problem out with him. I have found that it is better sometimes to just let it go, even when DH/DP totally in the wrong, just let it go as there is not time to have every last thing out. DH is not speaking to me tonight, but I have made the decision to chill about it and if I don't have it out with him, there will be no argument and he will be fine tomorrow. Sorry if not helpful!

he has just apologised and said he cant cope with my mums stress as well as his own. What, does he think i dont fucking have any stress then??

For now, I would forgive him for it. I know you are angry and that he is wrong, but it will make things more manageable in the short term not to argue over something that was not directly your problem in the first place.

thanks you two, i know it is awkward to advise re these things. Im so angry with myself, i was really doing well

Don't be angry with yourself.

You are human being - you love your family and you are doing your best.

I'm going to bed now as I have a LO that hardly ever sleeps!!!

It sounds like your dp is also a bit depressed, perhaps because of his business, financial worries, etc. Maybe he feels like a failure and is taking it out on you, but really he's angry with himself. The things he's said to you are nasty but I really think it's his problem and not your fault in any way. I'm sure he doesn't mean a lot of the things he says and regrets them afterwards, but I know from experience it's hard not to take it personally and retalliate until you have a massive argument. I really think joint counselling would be a good idea. I'm considering this for me and my dh at the moment.

Agree with everything Blu says.

SS will not want to monitor you or your DD. You are unwell. Along with alot of illnesses, that doesnt immediately put your children on the 'at risk' register.

I've been on AD's, I've had no such monitoring. All I need to do is go to the GP every 2 months to get a repeat prescription and to have chat and check over.

WRT your DP and your relationship, sometimes, often times depression can skew your view of what is really happening. It can distance you, make you feel like you are at the bottom of a hole, shouting at people to get you out but they cant hear you.

Also, as Blu said - toddlers and babies are energy and life sapping.

It is easy to get into a vicious circle of snapping and sniping, and can end up almost like point-scoring or tit-for-tat.

The best way I have found to break the cycle is to do just that. If your partner is obviously snappy/having a hard day, then leave them to it, or, give them a hug, back down, or whatever you need to do to 'neutralise' the situation.

Likewise - if you are feeling tired/crabby or whatever and you snap at him - say you are sorry - tell him why, and give him a hug. Sounds easy I know, but I know it isnt....

The thing is, if you start to change the way you are with him, he will start to change the way he is with you. Couples tend to mirror each other's behaviour, and someone has to get the ball rolling and put a positive spin on things.

Everyone has a right to be happy. Everyone has a right to have a 'bad day'.

So you asked him to visit your Mum and he didn't want to. Why didn't he just say that nicely? Talking to you like that will provoke a huge reaction and you're bound to store it up and then it turns into depression. Is it his aggressive manner that you are objecting to or the fact that he didn't go?

I've been through this kind of thing a lot and the only way I prevent shit from hitting fan is by making him calm down and tell me what he really wants to say. That way the attitude and basically, bullying, is separated from the content of what he's saying. In the silence that follows he then realises that the anger and sadness didn't need to happen.

Love's a bummer. Try to have a good night's sleep and get a cuddle from someone. If there's no-one, use teddy.

i guess it is because of his work stress lucyellensmum.
if you have the option to work, working will be good for you.
unless your circumstances change you will have these up and downs.
wish you good luck.

Im on the fence here. I was fascinated with what Blu (I think) said about serotonin. I didnT know that ADs could kick-start the production of serotonin again until your brain can manage to start producing it successfully by itself.
But...
Im a firm believer that if a woman is depressed its usually the <span class="italic">circumstances</span> that need to be adressed. If a tiger in a cage is depressed, you donT assume its because hes a tiger. PND happens because women dont get the emotional and physical support they need .Otherwise how can we explain the fact that it doesn`t exist in many more traditional societies. But its too difficult to change society, so lets try to change the woman... In the 1950s many women took ADs, not realising that they were living under unbearable circumstances (lack of creative expression, narrowed roles etc).

SO I think lucyellensmum hit the nail on the head when she said shed be fine if her husband just brought home a bunch of flowers, told her he loved her and started appreciating her again. But heS not doing this.
I do think councelling would help, but I really do think that in this case ADs would just be covering up problems. Im not an expert on ADs but I have recovered from a horrible chronic depression without them, and the answer was to change my circumstances. I feel if Id taken ADs I might not have really realised how unbearable my circumstances really were because they would have been masked.
Im a big fan of councelling and therapy though. I think this route really works, because it forces you to face difficult questions about yourself and your life. I think you should definitely start going to councelling, and hopefully your partner will come too. If you do this, youll start to find the answers to real questions about your relationship.

Sakura - i think that can be the case in some circumstances. However, I can say without a doubt that my PND was purely down to my hormones knocking out my normal chemical balance after childbirth.

No amount of CBT, therapy or counselling would have helped the fact that my seratonin levels were Just Too Low. The low seratonin levels were causing my feelings of paranoia, isolation, low mood etc.

In fact, I think my hormones have been playing havoc with seratonin levels since my teens, and can say with utter conviction that since I have been taking AD's, and more so since the dose was upped a little a few months after starting them, I have NEVER felt better. Truly.

I dont want to appear ungrateful for the really wonderful advice that i have been given on here regarding ADs, but i have to say, im with Sakura, taking them is not going to change the fact that my relationship is shit at the moment and i am finding this hard to deal with as it was so perfect before. I really feel i need to face up to the circumstances i am in, im sure ADs would make me feel better short term but once i come off them, the problems are still going to be there.

DP and i have made up, im not sure how long it will last, we have had a truely lovely day today, a whole day with DD at the seaside, totally spur of the moment and everything just falling into place. Home now and DD in bed early. Trouble is, i think i may have eaten something dodgy, feel sick as a parrot, may just be over tired, went to bed so late last nigth after continued arguments. So, maybe an early night tonight might help, he has gone to tesco for dog food so i will turn the putor off when he comes home and hopefully we can relax together.