This might be long.
I have been with DP for 15 years. I had a child from a previous relationship and he took her on as his own. He has been great, our relationship has been great, fantastic, i thought we were soul mates.
Then two years ago, i had a baby, she is the light of my life (and his) and we adore her.
Things were hard when she was born, traumatic birth, difficulty bf, bereavement, financial difficulties........bla de blaa blaa blaa. We seem to have survived all that.
Its just that ever since we seem to be stuck in a cycle of bickering and spite. The weekends are the worse, we are tired and thats when it manifests itself. Constant sniping ending up with one or other of us threatening to leave. I dont think either of us really mean it. The trouble is, lately, he seems distant, he says he isnt and even though we make up we just dont seem to be so loving. I am a very emotional and affectionate person and im insecure and NEED reassurance. He knows this. When i ask him why he isnt loving towards me, he just says he is not a very affectionate person (absolute bullshit, he used to be completely OTT head over heals in love with me, as i was with him - even after so long together, people would comment on it). I find myself behaving badly, quite bizzarely at times, just to provoke a reaction which of course justs ends up in anotehr row. About a year ago he said that he had no feelings for me and everytime we argued he felt less and less for me. That has stuck in my mind and plays like a loop, he has said to me more than once that he is only here because of DD, but then he says he loves me and would never leave.
This plays over and over, predictably every weekend now, i end up feeling like shit, i suspect he does too, the trouble is, the better times are starting to feel shallow and forced. I am not sure now even if it is me or him.
I love him so much, i mean, we had what i thought was an unbreakable bond how can that have gone? He is a decent man, never been unfaithful, never shown any interest, never been one for disappearing down the pub etc, we did EVERYTHING together, he used to idolise me and i knew this by his actions. Now i dont think he even likes me and is hanging on for his DD and because it was so good before.
I know that alot of this is my fault, ive changed, i used to be confident, self assured, loud, OTT and good fun, now im withdrawn, prone to temper tantrums (i was ready to start throwing all the shoes off the shelves on saturday as the shop assistants ignored us - different rant)and completely unsexual. It can't be PND, my DD is nearly two.
It is my graduation on wednesday and i dont even want to go, i feel it was all for nothing, my dad wont be there (he died and didnt even get to see my DD) and now it now it seems that DP is just going through the motions, i so want him to be proud of me but i dont feel proud of myself so why should he be. I try to break out of the cycle and be positive but something just happens to knock me back down.
Am i flogging a dead horse? Should i give up before we hate each other, i thought he had left on friday and i was distraught but we cant carry on like this, he is so unhappy i know he is and its because of me but i dont know what to do to change it.