Can i break the cycle, or is it time to call it a day? (long, self pitying rant)

[lucyellensmum]

This might be long.

I have been with DP for 15 years. I had a child from a previous relationship and he took her on as his own. He has been great, our relationship has been great, fantastic, i thought we were soul mates.

Then two years ago, i had a baby, she is the light of my life (and his) and we adore her.

Things were hard when she was born, traumatic birth, difficulty bf, bereavement, financial difficulties........bla de blaa blaa blaa. We seem to have survived all that.

Its just that ever since we seem to be stuck in a cycle of bickering and spite. The weekends are the worse, we are tired and thats when it manifests itself. Constant sniping ending up with one or other of us threatening to leave. I dont think either of us really mean it. The trouble is, lately, he seems distant, he says he isnt and even though we make up we just dont seem to be so loving. I am a very emotional and affectionate person and im insecure and NEED reassurance. He knows this. When i ask him why he isnt loving towards me, he just says he is not a very affectionate person (absolute bullshit, he used to be completely OTT head over heals in love with me, as i was with him - even after so long together, people would comment on it). I find myself behaving badly, quite bizzarely at times, just to provoke a reaction which of course justs ends up in anotehr row. About a year ago he said that he had no feelings for me and everytime we argued he felt less and less for me. That has stuck in my mind and plays like a loop, he has said to me more than once that he is only here because of DD, but then he says he loves me and would never leave.

This plays over and over, predictably every weekend now, i end up feeling like shit, i suspect he does too, the trouble is, the better times are starting to feel shallow and forced. I am not sure now even if it is me or him.

I love him so much, i mean, we had what i thought was an unbreakable bond how can that have gone? He is a decent man, never been unfaithful, never shown any interest, never been one for disappearing down the pub etc, we did EVERYTHING together, he used to idolise me and i knew this by his actions. Now i dont think he even likes me and is hanging on for his DD and because it was so good before.

I know that alot of this is my fault, ive changed, i used to be confident, self assured, loud, OTT and good fun, now im withdrawn, prone to temper tantrums (i was ready to start throwing all the shoes off the shelves on saturday as the shop assistants ignored us - different rant)and completely unsexual. It can't be PND, my DD is nearly two.

It is my graduation on wednesday and i dont even want to go, i feel it was all for nothing, my dad wont be there (he died and didnt even get to see my DD) and now it now it seems that DP is just going through the motions, i so want him to be proud of me but i dont feel proud of myself so why should he be. I try to break out of the cycle and be positive but something just happens to knock me back down.

Am i flogging a dead horse? Should i give up before we hate each other, i thought he had left on friday and i was distraught but we cant carry on like this, he is so unhappy i know he is and its because of me but i dont know what to do to change it.

lucy - counselling is better than Prozac - especially for relationship issues. Of course, if you are feeling really low, Prozac might get you back up to a point where you can function enough to manage the counselling. That'll be for you and your GP to decide together, of course.

LEM - i went through a year of counselling recently.
At times i had to hold a (metaphorical) mirror up to myself and i didn't always like what i saw so i can relate to what you are saying
however, leaving a relationship sounds a much scarier option IMHO

I have been treated for depression for the last 2.5 years, my medication has helped me immensely in that it has made me stable enough to make the changes to my life I need to make.

At no point has anyone questioned my parenting skills and I have never been contacted by anyone regarding dd and the effect of my illness on her.

It seems to me that you are scared and are making excuses, that's completely natural and understandable. However you need to do something to help yourself get out of this mire and as someone who has been there, I can't recommend AD's enough. They haven't been a cop out, they haven't fried my brain. I won't pretend I haven't had side effects, but the benefits have far outweighed the problems.

x post LEM, I think a visit to your GP is a good idea.

Hope you are feeling better soon.

If I were you I would make the GP appointment for a week away (you might have to, anyway) and then you can always cancel it if you want to?

im just really really scared, if i admit to being depressed then i am admitting to something that i cannot control and might never be able to get out of

I also recommend AD's when necessary.
The certainly gave me a kick up the backside and straightened my thoughts out when I needed them.
The only thing frying my brain was depression.

lucy - just telling someone who can help you will make you feel better. It's awful keeping things to yourself and not having any solutions.

Sometimes when you keep things to yourself they get blown up out of all proportion and ruin your life - when in fact the solutions are quite easy to find and implement, if only there is someone to help you think about them and give you encouragement

You are not a failure to admit to being scared. Infact you are being bloody brave admitting that you are scared.

I think your depressive state is completely clouding your judgment with the result you cannot think clearly; this has been brewing for a long time with your good self and now its come to a head. You must get your head out of the sand and stop throwing up obstacles/excuses to suggestions like counselling and AD's. Throwing obstacles up just impedes your way out of the dark valley you are currently in.

You need to face your torment and face it now.

Please see your GP and get help for your depressive state; it will not go away by itself and you could end up in an even worse state than you are now.

Do not give it a week; make an appointment today for as soon as possible.

depression is like any other problem... admitting to it and seeking help is the hardest step. Have you considered that by admitting you may have a problem and taking the first steps to getting better might make you feel better in yourself?

Do bear in mind as well that there could be something else that you need a dx for, for instance anaemia or an underactive thyroid? Any gp worth their salt will test you for these things without getting straight on the AD bandwagon.

I honestly think the best thing you can do now is seek medical advice. Go on, make that appointment, it has to be better than having all this looming over your head.

oh lucy you sound so upset. i hope this is all not too hard to take via the interweb.

You know this, but not admitting things doesn't necessarily make them go away... and naming them, although it is a powerful thing, does not conjure them up out of thin air.

You might not be clinically depressed. Even if not, there might be things that could be done. At the moment, you sound pretty much at the end of your rope. Please let someone else hand you a bit more rope, if they can?

Anna, you are right, but shouldnt that be my DP who does that?

lucy - you mean you should be able to get the support and encouragement you need from your relationship with your partner, and not from the outside?

Partners can't always be everything - all human beings have their limitations, it doesn't make them bad or wanting and it doesn't mean your relationship is doomed if you feel the need for outside support. You are not being disloyal to your partner in any way if you confide in an outsider .

Please do it.

And, just to make yourself better today, go and have a lovely long bath and put on your nicest clothes and make-up. Please. Taking good care of yourself really helps. Believe me.

ok guys, i have to go and do stuff, but thankyou so much. I still feel really scared but i think i will go to the GP if this continues. I dont think leaving my DP is going to help but i am scared im going to drag him down with me. How the hell did i get like this? i never noticed it happen.

If a lot of your issues are stemming from your dp's attitude then maybe it is him who needs to go to see a gp? That said, I think my dh should do just that but he won't [head in sand emoticon].

All you can do is try and get yourself better, if your dp sees you trying to change things then there is every chance that will have a positive effect on him.

lem - I completely empathise with what you said about being afraid to be out of control, re depression. But that was why my GP's explanation made me feel a lot better - I felt as if i was back in control, by deciding to take action to get myself back in control.

I took 10mg of cipralex for 6 months. Within days I felt more alert, more poitive, more able to take decsions. I wasn't at all 'head in the clouds' happy-pills loopy, nor was I a a stringy-haired zombie pushing a trolley, glass-eyed, round the supermarket in my slippers. I was back being ME. It was such a relief.

Also, of course your DH should be leaping in with the bouquet, but he won't change by magic. if you've been critical and snappy (oooh, I was so critical, irritable, impatient, agressive and negative when i was depressed) he is probably feeling discouraged and unconfident. And in any case, whatever the cause, if it's you who wants it to change, it's you who has to look for a solution...whether that be counselling to help you talk to him in a way that he can hear, or something to make you feel stronger.

And the scary thing is, it creeps up without you noticing. That goes for depression and breakdown of relationships!

Good luck.

Having just read this it sounds exactly like me a few years ago - i had a ds nearly 2 at the time and just was not interested in life at all it was just going on around me. I knew this was not the real me and even hoped that DH would leave and give me the 'excuse' to wallow in my own self pity.

I too was so scared of AD and my fantastic GP said that is exactly the type of person they are best at treating. They did work slowly and i slowly returned to the 'real' me it took about 3 months in total.

Also remeber that depression is an imbalance of chemicals in the brain - would you tell a dabetic not to take their insulin?

It is hard but there is help for you - living the way you are is not nice and i can tell by reading your post that you are not happy about it either.

Good luck and i hope you get the support you need - you are not weak to ask for help.

thanks everyone for your kind replies. As i said, i feel a bit more positive that there is help out there. hurtwife, i know exactly what you mean about wanting DP to leave so i can wallow - i think sometimes i cause arguments just so that i can wallow in the pain. Now ive typed that i realise how absurd it really is

feeling much better today guys, DP and i got on well last night, we had work stuff to do and were up late and really tired so the fact that nothing was thrown (metaphorically speaking of course) is a good sign.

I'm going to get my hair cut today and im really quite scared, stupid isnt it, but the last time i had my hair cut it was horrible, DP made me go and i wasnt in the mood, the hairdressers were awful, she did a really bad cut and to be honest i got the impression they were taking the piss. Not being paranoid, but they were just unprofessional. So, going to spend money i dont have on a hair cut today in the vain hope that they will do a decent job, something has to be done, not been back to hair dressers for 2 years!!!!

Good luck with the hair ! It can make a big difference to how you feel.

that is why im so scared, its one of those times when i can go from being quite ok to really upset, i know it seems trivial but im sick of looking like an old hag, im sure my DP is sick of coming home to a woman who looks like a bag lady too.

lucy - good for you , enjoy making yourself look your best.

How did it go lucy?

its ok, i like it, cant quite understand how it is worth £40 though, hey ho. it is nice to not have all dead ends. Its my graduation tomorrow so at least will look sane for that

Its weird how a hair cut can make a difference, i got flowers i did im not sure it was the hair cut, he says it was a graduation present but how nice of him. He can still read my mind it seems. I know that i still have a lot to deal with in my head but one day at a time, and today was a good day.