Divorce solicitor advice please?

[Onedaysoon]

Hi, this is just a request for info from one of the solicitors on MN, a quickie question really. I have filed for divorce and H says he won't engage a solicitor under any circumstances. He refuses to pay for one, as he is still paying off the legal fees from his first divorce. How does that affect the proceedings? Will it hold things up? We are still living under the same roof and it's intolerable for me and the kids and the thought that this could drag it on and on fills me with horror.

Very unsure I'm afraid but bumping for you.

Have you rung your own solicitor about this?

No, he only told me last night. I know there are a couple of specialists on here, so thought I'd ask them first before I bother him.

There is nothing to stop a party to proceedings from representing themselves. However, it will drag out the proceedings as he will not have the specialist knowledge required and it will take him longer to do things. He may miss deadlines and the court will be very careful to ensure that he is not disadvantaged by his lack of legal representation.

Do speak to your own solicitor about it, but there will be little s/he can do to speed things up.

So, I could be stuck living in the same house as him for possibly years?????

What are the issues to be decided in the divorce? Is he challenging you for residency? If not, what finances need to be sorted out?

These are the things which take time. The divorce itself, if undefended, can be through in a matter of months.

You say he has nothing much financially. What about the house? Is there any equity in the house? If not, would it not be better to move out yourself with the children now? You could look at renting privately and apply for housing benefit if you are on income support. Speak to your local authority about a pre-tenancy determination - this enables you to find out how much the l.a. will pay by way of housing benefit on a particular property. That way you will know in advance whether you can afford to rent it.

Hi. It's a council house. If me and the kids move out he will have to move out anyway as it will be under occupied. We've also moved about so much with him, I don't want to move them again. They are starting in a new school in September and I don't want to uproot them again. I've been told by the council that if I give up tenancy on this house I will be put into a homeless shelter or temp accomodation for up to 6 months which, with 3 kids and a dog, is not acceptable. There is a long history of emotional abuse by him, and also cheating etc, so am divorcing him on grounds of unreasonable behaviour. He's up to his neck in debt, owns nothing...even his car is on finance. I have no money or property either so there is no issue there and I am also happy for an amicable arrangement for contact between him and our daughter.

he can't deny any of the particulars of the divorce either...all of them are well documented with social services, police, medical records etc.

Onedaysoon, who's name is the council house in?
Don't give it up, council houses are like gold dust and if it's near the kids school then even more reason. Not that you were going to but just saying.

I just moved out of our owned home. Dh won't make a move to divorce me and I want to remarry. I'm off to see my sol on Thursday.

Have you seen a lone parent advisor? Or been to the council to find out your rights re the house?

Thinking of you hun as I know how it feels, pretty shit isn't it?

hope someone with correct knowledge comes along.

You are in a really stressy situation, I feel for you.

My ex had a solicitor, btbh cant say there was much his did, cos i divorced him, and my solicitor started everything going and if ex hadnt had a slocitor would have at least ensured stuff got to him.

What is your work situation, you may be able to get legal aid, and so would he??

Nevermind him, you might be able to get legal aid. But i guess your main concern is gettinghim out the house.

If he's still being abusive you could get an injunction on him.

yes, was just reading up a bit, then he wouldnt be allowed to come within a certain distance of you.

What are his reasons for staying? Does he wantout of the marriage?

Has he been unfaithful. Whose name is the house in?

When he does go, get it puit in your name straght away,thats what I was told to do.

Dont give up your council place, its your stability. You wont gain anything by doing that, how ever hard it is to be in the same house as him. It wont be for ever.

Hi. The house is in joint names. I went to the jobcentre place last week and saw a lone parent advisor; I have had my claim for child tax credits already...they aren't sure about IS as I receive maintenance from ex for my 2 older kids but should be entitiled to housing and council tax benefit.
I don't work as he destroyed my business (that is one of the particulars on the divorce petition): I used to work evenings as I was a therapist but now I can't as he refuses to look after the kids and says I have to get a babysitter...how can I do that when he is sitting there in the house? Ridiculous. He also deleted my website from the internet (my only means of advertising) so really did a number on me in that regard. Yes, I should get legal aid...he won't as he works full time.
His reason for staying is that eh has nowhere else to go. That's it. He has cheated in as much as he spent every night and a fortune in internet chat rooms, exchanging numbers, photos and texts with other women. He has made it into a sexless marriage (5 times in over 4 years), he doesn't share a bed with me, he is cold and empty.
As far as abuse goes, it isn't blatant but it's there, very sinister. He questions our 2 year old, tells her he wants to come with us when we go out but Mummy doesn't want him to, promises my other 2 kids all sorts of things when I'm not in the room, which confuses the hell out of them as they know I have petitioned for divorce and yet there he is promising them exotic holidays and all sorts of long term projects!
One day he says he wants out, next day he says he doesn't want a divorce. he admitted that I will never get 100% of him in the marriage and that I will always pay the price for the other women in his life (mother, ex's etc).
I think it is purely bloody mindedness that keeps him here; that and the fact that it's easier than having to start again somewhere else.

I just spoke to the solicitor who said that the average time span is 4 - 6 months...if he decides to be a pain it will drag it out but won't be anything like the 2 years that H quoted me which is a relief! I was really hoping he'd be out by Xmas as he has spoilt every xmas so far and I would dearly love to have this one a nice relaxed happy time.

It sounds like mental cruelty, is there no way you can get an injunction?

I tried before to get one, on the same grounds, but I was told it would be almost impossible as there was no 'proof'. It's really a nightmare; for instance...I take the kids swimming every Sunday. I have asked him for years to come and he always said no. So last week, as DD2 is starting to swim, I told him he was welcome to come and see (he is still her Dad and I'd hate to miss out on moments like that if it was the other way round). I made it clear that it changed nothing. So this week HE announced that HE was going to take DD2 swimming despite the fact that I have taken them almost every weekend alone. So me and the kids went along and we were made to feel so alienated as he kept moving away with DD2 every time we went near. He didn't speak to DS once, although he did push DS hard while he was underwater for splashing DD2 (it's a swimming pool FFs).
Then when DD2 came to me, and wanted to play with us, he sulked...just stood in the water on his own with a face like thunder for about 30 minutes. It was pathetic and embarrassing. He's now spoilt our Sunday morning ritual which we all used to look forward to.

good grief, he is a charner isnt he.

I really really hope you get this sorted.

Are you entitled to legal aid?

I don't know anything about these things, but Womens Aid may be able to help you. Apparently they can do all sorts of things you may not have thought about. Bullying behaviour is definitely abuse.

sigh...this is really driving me nuts. Last night he handed me half the money for the electricity bill, sticking to his guns about only paying half of everything...then stropped because I didn't cook him tea! I'm claiming as a single parent, and as such we have to live independently of each other. He pays half of all the bills BUT still expects me to shop for him and cook for him!
Pirate girl...yes I think I am entitled to legal aid. the solicitor sent me a form waiving the divorce fee, so I guess I must be. I am also entitled to housing and council tax benefit so am officially poor!

He can EXPECT what he likes - you don't have to do it

It's going to be very hard getting some 'emotional' distance from him - I don't know how much of a twat he is but if he starts following you from room to room to bitch at you then its going to be hard to create space in your head.

You are living under torturous conditions - definitely go to women's aid and talk to them.

And tell your solicitor that your aim is to get him out of the house - sorry for this cloak and dagger suggestion but I would tape him being a pig to you and then play it to a solicitor and get an immediate injunction to get him out the house.

In fact I would wind him up - leave the room - tape it when he follows me and tries to bully me and then play it to your solicitor.

Hi Lauriefairycake. I am sticking to my guns, but it's so hard. It goes against my nature to be hard and I think that's the problem...I have always been so easy going (for that read doormat) that he really can't believe that I have the gumption to see this through. On top of that DD2 is only 2, and she can't understand why Daddy isn't eating with us and he plays on that. Instead of saying to her 'Daddy's already eaten' or 'Daddy's not hungry' he tells her I won't cook for him, or I don't want him to eat with us!
I refuse to be browbeaten anymore by him though. I am studying for further diplomas without him having any idea, all in holistic medicine so that when he's gone I can come off benefits and support the kids and myself. I go to bed at 9pm every night, and study til midnight and he has no idea! he thinks I will sink without him I think!
I have just booked an appointment for a prepayment meter to be put in for the electricity so that I won't be faced with any big bills and can pay as I go - he can hand over a tenner a week or whatever to put on it. I'm cancelling Sky as he is the one who watches it and it's in my name - me and the children have to watch tv on a fuzzy portable in the kitchen at night whilst he lays on the settee watching a 42 inch telly with a different box office movie every night! Once he's gone I will get a freeview set so the kids have their cbeebies I have to try and get the bills down now so that I'm not overwhelmed when he leaves and I'm on my own.

Onedaysoon, I'm filled with admiration for you - you're coping so well in a difficult situation. In time, you're going to be just fine.

uberalice...believe me I don't feel like I'm coping. It's a nightmare situation and he says he won't move out til he's made to move out. Anyone with an ounce of fair play and self respect would surely hold their hands up and say 'ok, I messed up, the best thing I can do now is to go'. But no.
I think this is only the tip of the iceberg. When he receives the divorce papers and sees it in black and white I think he might really react badly. I made the break before, last year, and went into a refuge with the kids but he managed to wear me down and we came back. I'm so scared that I will just become too tired to fight again and give in. That's why I'm taking such a pro active stand and changing the electricity meter (it'll cost more in the long run but make it far easier to manage), cancelling unecessary things etc. It gives me a degree of control over the situation if that makes sense?
And the studying is for a few reasons...he destroyed my previous business, made it impossible for me to continue working so I had to close it. This way I can work myself up to being self employed again, and show him that I am independent and can make it on my own. I want the kids to be proud of me and show them that you are responsible for yourself, and that no one else can be blamed for putting you in a hole and keeping you there; that there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Fighting spirit I guess. It also keeps my mind occupied and alert. Not sure if these are good reasons or not, but they are what keeps me motivated when all I want to do is go to bed and not get up til this is all over!

Hi hun thinking of you. Are you keeping a diary of all his sulking, emotional blackmail and things he says to the kids? I'd have a little notebook and write it all down.

Try to be strong and not be his doormat. He's playing on this as you well know. Be assertive and cool with him. Tell him how you feel, be truthful and maybe he'll get the drift? In a few months things could be so different.

Please do as has been suggested and ring women's aid. Also have you been to your doctor as he/she will record your feelings and what you're going through which is more proof.

We're all behind you hun. You need him out for the sake of your mental and physical health.

Hi, I went to the dr last time, before we went into the refuge. She spent a lot of time talking to me, and said that although I am not showing signs of depression I am highly anxious. That is all recorded. I don't really want to go again as a while ago I told him he was depressing and he jumped on that and for ages afterwards he kept on saying I was depressed!!! I am so not a depressive person, even when things are bad I can still laugh and enjoy life. I even caught him telling my daughter that she had to be careful with me as I am depressed!!! And yet he has suffered from depression for years, had to have psychiatric hospitalisation (before he met me) and has attempted suicide! So if I go again and he finds out he will try and use that against me.
I refuse to shout with him. I talk to him clearly and calmly and if he doesn't listen I just repeat it. I won't lose my cool anymore as again that is handing him back the control. But he doesn't listen. Full stop. I tell him I have filed for divorce, and that the papers are in progress and he says 'yeah fine, whatever' and then goes out and plants trees in the garden, or lays grass seeds, or plans a new patio etc! Like someone once said, if you bury your head in the sand, all anyone else will see is an arse!!!!

This kind of bullying and abuse come under the umbrella of dv. here's the link, I hope!