Divorce solicitor advice please?

[Onedaysoon]

Hi, this is just a request for info from one of the solicitors on MN, a quickie question really. I have filed for divorce and H says he won't engage a solicitor under any circumstances. He refuses to pay for one, as he is still paying off the legal fees from his first divorce. How does that affect the proceedings? Will it hold things up? We are still living under the same roof and it's intolerable for me and the kids and the thought that this could drag it on and on fills me with horror.

Hi Onedaysoon,

No legal expertise here, but just wanted you to know that I think you're being very brave and you have my admiration for keeping it all together in truly difficult and soul destroying circumstances.

Keep being strong and sensible and you will get through the other end happier - and your kids wil be better off too!

How are you onedaysoon?

Hiya, and thanks for the words of encouragement . Things are still 'weird'. He's still expecting me to cook for him (I don't), but today he came home from work, cut the grass, and then started going on about getting a driveway built (again)!!!! I mean, why does he not get it? I reckon he won't really believe me until he gets the papers served on him. My worry is that he is in such denial that it will genuinely come as a shock to him and he might go off on one.
I hate this not cooking for him stuff too; I'm cooking anyway, and it seems so silly but I know it's necessary. I find myself sometimes feeling sorry for him, which is a dangerous thing for me to feel, as I don't want to be dragged back in. I know nothing will ever change, and if I gave it yet another go I;d regret it and it'd be even harder next time to get out so I'm going to see it through but bloody hell, it's hard!

Well, I got a letter saying I wasn't eligible for Income Support, but that they would still consider my application for housing benefit and council tax benefit, so I had to go down to the council today and bring proof of ID, proof of maintenance from ex, proof of child benefit, last child tax credits letter, and 3 months of bank statements. I went down there, and she asked when he moved out, and I told her he hadn't, but that we were living separately and he slept alone, cooked alone, ate alone, shopped alone, paid only 50% etc...she looked over the top of her glasses in absolute disbelief at me! I was told by the IS people that it's fairly common, and wouldn't affect my claim but you wouldn't think it by this woman's reaction.
They came today to change the electricity meter over to pre payment at my request. He doesn't know yet, so it will be interesting to see his reaction when I tell him I need a tenner to out on it to match my tenner!
I called my solicitor to see why the papers were taking so long...his secretary is on holiday! Hmm...I know people have to have hols but it's no consolation when people are waiting for the ball to start rolling.
I will stop worrying so much when I know whether they will pay my rent and council tax as if they do I know we can manage alone. It'll be tight but then I have had hardly any disposable income for ages anyway so financially things won't really change but emotionally we'll be rich!!!!

So are you expecting them to pay your rent and council tax whilst he's still living there? I don't think they will hun? I'm surprised someone hasn't been out to assess your IS claim and make sure you are living seperately. I'd push this if I were you.

Hi. I was told by the IS people that I could claim my half of the rent/council tax even if we were living separately but in the same house. I must admit I thought it was strange too, but they assured me it was quite common. Anyway, I have nothing to lose and it'll certainly make life a lot easier. If not then I don't know what I will do as I can't afford to pay it myself tha way things stand. But we'll see.
The IS won't be paid as I am receiving maintenance from my ex...apparently receiving that (which isn't a massive amount at all) puts me above the threshold of being eligible for IS!
I don't know...I'm shattered dealing with it all. I'm not sleeping now, and I'm one of those people who would rather do without food than sleep so I feel like s**t.

for you hun. I thought you had to be getting IS to get HB and council tax?
I know how you feel,I lost lots of sleep before I left. I only left as I found a house close by but had to rent privately. I just hope he gets out for you hun, so bloody stubborn

Hiya. Apparently they will award you HB and council tax benefit without income support if you are on a low income, which I am obviously as I'm not working! Anyway, I'm not holding my breath - we'll just see what happens.
I got the amended divorce papers today but the solicitor can't see me til next Tuesday so I have another week of limbo.
In the meantime I cannot figure him out; he says that he has been to a solicitor (having said he will never engage the use of one), says the council is looking for a property for him and yet I know that they won't put him on the list until he has ended the tenancy on this one, which he can't do as the solicitor has already written to the council asking that they refuse any application to end the tenancy on this house, and that if the council refuses to comply we will be forced to apply to the courts.
It's Dd2's birthday today, so I am trying to keep things civil but the whole situation is such a massive strain on me emotionally. I have noticed a lot of hair seems to be falling out lately which has never happened before, and I'm also starting to suffer insomnia which has never troubled me before. he's behaving as if he is my older daughter's best mate at the moment, buying her stuff, promising things...but treating my son who's 10 like dirt. Shouting things at him like 'you need to learn your place BOY' for the tiniest thing. This is going to be a tough few months ahead.

What an awful situation No wonder you're losing your hair and can't sleep. Are you on any meds or anything from the health shop?
Once you're free of him you're going to feel so much better. I used to get ill all the time and felt so tired. Exdh wasn't horrible but I felt trapped.

Aaaarrrggghhhh....my poor poor son. Last night, H was watching tv, and DD2 was playing with her presents. DD1 walked in, and played, and nothing was said, I walked in and played with her and nothing was said...then DS walked in and was immediately shouted at 'OY...I'M TRYING TO WATCH THE BLOODY TELLY AND YOU JUST WALTZ IN HERE AND STAND IN FRONT OF IT. CLEAR OFF'...and yet he only did exactly what me and DD1 had done. I can't stand to see what he's doing to my son. So many times he looks at me and his eyes are filled with tears and it breaks my heart. But when I challenge H about it (which i do every single time) he will yell 'well you need to sort him then' like he's one of the Mitchell brothers or something, or 'well you sort him before I do'.
How the hell can someone single out one child, and bully him this way? So blatantly. And DS is such a gentle, sweet kid. yes he can get cheeky, and answer back, but he is a lovely child and H is breaking him. I am seeing the solicitor next week, and I think I may have to look at a non molestation order or even an occupation order.

ULYSEES...no I'm not any meds, although I may have to get something 'alternative'. My Dr is adamant that I am not depressed, for which i can only thank God) and won't prescribe meds, which I don't want anyway. I am getting to the stage though where I need something to 'prop me up' as I'm starting to struggle a bit. Maybe Bach rescue remedy? I don't know...I've never tried it. It's odd..I don't feel down, but I just need a bit of strength. Does that come in tablet form???

Oh, and top of all this, I have been recalled for my 4th smear test in 2 years, so am worried sick about that! My periods have gone all over the place...from 7 days duration to barely one. Is this my body just reacting to stress do you think?

my DH did this too
When it goes to court they will (hopefully) see how unreasonble hes been and that usually goes against them

Your periods would be all over place due to stress hun, i've been there before.
Hopefully when you see solicitor next week you can really get things rolling.

peanutbear...what do you mean yours did this? What part of it? No one I speak to in RL can even begin to understand this beahviour and I'm sure they think I am making it up! So anyone who can empathise is most welcome!

Muppetmuggle...the smear is unconnected to the irregular periods unfortunately. I have had abnormal results so keep being recalled. If this one is clear then I can go back to 3 yearly checks, but if it's abnormal then I have to go for further tests. Great

can you get an injunction because of his abuse against ds????? Honestly how can they force ds1 to live with him under these circumstances? Is it worth speaking to the authorities again because of his behaviour towards ds which seems to be getting increasingly worse?

Cargirl...I am going to speak to my solicitor next week about it. Social services ahve already warned him about his behaviour towards the children, and at one point were going to convene a child protection case conference but dropped it when H talked the talk, told them that he would do anything for the kids blah de blah...the family centre were supposed to arrange for him to have parenting classes and counselling but never bothered.
He's always done this; he is nice to one and vile to the other. He plays them off one against the other...I can remember when it was DD1's turn to be the 'outcast'...we went on a day out and he stopped at the garage to fill up, and came back with a bag full of crisps, drinks, sweets...and handed them out to DS, DD2 and me...and never bought anything for DD1. I had to get out of the car and buy her stuff separately! He always treats one badly and the other well. And yes, for some reason he is getting increasingly nasty towards DS. he told DS on Sunday that, whilst DD1 was a lovely girl DS was just a pain in the arse! How the hell does he think that makes a 10 year old boy feel?

I should add that DD1 and DS are his stepchildren, whilst DD2 is ours together. When my ex DH bought a 2 bed house with his partner, H told the 2 children that it was obvious that their Dad didn't want them, as if he did he would have bought a 3 bed house so they have their own rooms!

yes I think I remember the hassles from your previous threads, perhaps you should go straight to SS again then, see if they can do something to lever him out I suppose my hesitation is that you could be forced between having ds taken away or moving out????? Although financially for the council etc it is cheaper for them to force him out rather than re-housing you four.

Surely it goes against his tenancy agreement this behaviour?

I would go to social services, if only to have them document his bullying behaviour towards ds. It's all grist to the mill. They might be able to get some kind of anti-bullying support for (you and) ds.

Yes, it does go against his tenancy agreement, as there is a clause in there about domestic abuse. But I had a long running battle with the council before we went into the refuge who were so spineless it was unbelieveable. They admitted that yes, it was against the tenancy agreement but then they did nothing and believe me...I tried everything including turning up at the offices and crying, with 3 kids in tow. Social services also contacted them, and told them the same but nothing was ever done. It was always 'oh we'll have to check with our solicitor'.
I don't think going back to SS will do any good either as they didn't really do anything constructive either, and as soon as they found out I was taking steps to end the marriage they said there was no need for their involvement. So this time around, as I'm divorcing him I doubt they'd want to know.

I think you need to get some help though onedaysoon. This is such a bad situation. How old is ds? They may interview him if he's old enough. Really push this as your dh is as shit, so for you and ds.

Ulysees...DS is 10. The social worker last time did speak to the children; they were very candid and honest with him and told him exactly what H was doing and how it made them feel. he agrred that it would have a detrimental effect on the kids...and yet they did nothing. I think they said something about it would be easier on us if they weren't involved as their involvement was 'fanning the flames' so to speak!
I've tried everything, and I mean everything, to get help. And it comes back to the fact that as we have no bruises to show for it, it can be ignored.