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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Leaving husband for affair partner?

96 replies

User0903 · 10/03/2019 03:27

I’m not proud of myself but I had a 6 month affair 5 years ago. Was absolutely head over heels in love with my affair partner but we ended it when his wife found out and have both spent the last 5 years trying to fix our marriages.

We have had minimal contact with each other Since we ended our relationship- only bumping into each other, seeing each other at a distance, occasional hugs, rare phone calls but that’s it. But neither of us has stopped thinking about the other at all. It’s almost obsessive on both our parts. There is no doubt that we both feel exactly the same about each other. We both only stayed so as not to hurt children and spouses. Both I’m long relationships.

His marriage is at rock bottom and mine is pretty bad but DH never found out about the affair. Our problems relate to a raft of other stuff.

We both have two children.

He has now asked me to leave my husband and said we can’t keep going like this completely obsessing about each other and wanting us the way we do but not actually doing it.

I am so hesitant because I just can’t imagine the fallout for all 4 kids, I don’t know if I can hurt DH and I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out. We also have an 18 year age gap.

Please tell me positive and negative stories where the affair worked out or didn’t. I am so torn.

OP posts:

Smotheroffive · 10/03/2019 03:36

I believe the question is why and when your marriage had problems?

NTMont · 10/03/2019 03:56

I think that if you feel something for this man and have already cheated, you need to come clean with your husband and leave the marriage. This is not fair on your husband or his wife. Whether it works or not, you can't stay in a relationship based on lies because you are scared the other won't work out.

Original poster

User0903 · 10/03/2019 04:24

Our problems started as soon as we married 12 years ago. He became negative, pessimistic and miserable overnight. Marriage improved slightly after DS1 but wasn’t great. Had affair and everything was worse obviously. DS2 is 2 had really hoped he would bring us closer together again. But we are at the lowest point ever. Affair obv hasn’t helped but our problems are irrespective of it and pre-date it.

OP posts:

Birdie6 · 10/03/2019 04:43

I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out

This is the crux of the matter - are you ready to ditch your husband and immediately go with your partner ? It's a huge step to take ( I know, I did just that 15 years ago but with total certainty of what we were doing).

You seem to have had very little contact for many years, if you've been totally clear in your post . A few phone calls, hugs etc. Sorry but that isn't enough to base a whole new life on. Obsessive feelings don't mean much when the dust clears and you're together - with kids in tow - trying to make a new life with all the drama of separation , divorce etc. And all the practical sides of it - where do you live , who pays for what , child custody etc. The romantic side of it lasts for about two minutes when you've got all the practicalities to contend with.

My suggestion ( based on my own experience of doing this ) is that you should -

Tell your husband you want to separate. Keep it unrelated to this other man .
Actually separate and figure out your living arrangement - also unrelated to the other man.
When you're reasonably settled, then you can start seeing the other man and deciding if you want to be with him completely.
You don't mention your kid's ages - mine were late teens and it was a big drama with one of them who thought I'd gone completely bonkers and wanted me to see a psychiatrist. This could be a big problem for you if they are young - separation is huge for kids so don't disregard this aspect of the situation.

yakari · 10/03/2019 07:25

Birdie's post x100

MrsPworkingmummy · 10/03/2019 07:32

My husband and I have the same age gap OP and it's not an issue. We've been together over 10 years. He left his wife for me (his children lived with us) and I left my fiance for him. We love each other dearly. You need to be prepared for the fall out if you make the decision to do this as it will be massive. It will be a real test of your commitment and love for one another.

swingofthings · 10/03/2019 07:37

Sometimes in the long run it turns out to be the best by everyone, sometimes it is a perfect disaster, leave a lot of people hurt for nothing.

Your problem is that there is no certainly anyone can give you. Only the future can tell. You need to decide whether to take the risk or not and if you do and it turns out to be a mistake, live with it.

Your husband could end up meeting someone else and be very happy with them, thanking you for betraying him whilst you realise your love isn't the Prince charming you thought and missing your ex husband desperately.

That's the nature of affairs, you don't get to know the person the way you would do otherwise so there are many things you won't know about each other. Saying that, sometimes, against all odds, it works.

Honeybee79 · 10/03/2019 08:13

What Birdie says!

PixieDust20 · 10/03/2019 08:27

So his marriage has hit rock bottom after 5 years and only now he wants you to leave your husband 🤨

Crystalintheeyes · 10/03/2019 08:32

I’d do what birdie says.

Separate and get settled then start dating the other man after it’s all settled.

jeaux90 · 10/03/2019 08:44

What birdie says.

Time in your own first then you can start dating the OM

Independence is the best gift you will ever give yourself (I'm a single mum)

loveyoutothemoon · 10/03/2019 10:11

Separate and give your DH the opportunity to be with someone that makes him happy.

sonicfox · 10/03/2019 10:51

take om out of the question for a minute. would you want to leave your dh to be on your own, is your marriage that bad? can you accept your dh would meet someone else eventually.
make sure om is not clouding your judgement.
this may not be the right thing to do but let om leave first. if hes serious he will leave even if you dont go to him, if his marriage is truly over. bare in mind there is always a chance he could go back to his wife anyway.
make sure your not 2nd best. make sure its not his wife initiating the split and your the 2nd choice.
take time to mull this all through....but life is too short to stay in an unhappy marriage, especially when you have been in love with someone else for years. it wont be all sunshine and roses especially trying to settle the kids etc but if hes serious he will leave.

Musti · 10/03/2019 11:28

Agree with everyone else. If you've been unhappy in your marriage for most of your marriage then leave. You may find that once you've left and you're free to meet other people, that OM is not the man for you, that you were simply unhappy and he's the only distraction.

So leave and rebuild your life and then decide if you do want to be with OM. Once you're free to date him and get more than a few snatched moments, you'll see if you want to be with each other. Also that's a massive age difference which may affect your future.

Orange6904 · 10/03/2019 11:56

You should leave anyway, unhappy since day 1?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2019 12:04

Another one agreeing with birdie. Do what she suggests OP.

That trope about 'leave your husband so he can find somebody to make him happy' blah blah. It's annoying. OP is responsible for having an affair, she's not solely responsible for the demise of her marriage and if her husband deserves to be happy - then so does she.

Orange6904 · 10/03/2019 12:07

Well he can leave for someone that isn't lying to him can't he?

SandyY2K · 10/03/2019 12:09

Don't leave for the other man.

Leave because you aren't happy in your marriage, you don't love your H anymore and you've tried everything to improve it.

Is the 18 year gap between you and H or you and the OM?

Gotta say though, a man would have got flammed if he wrote this.

Forgiveness2019 · 10/03/2019 12:11

Don’t waste your husbands life on lies

sobernotjustforoctober · 10/03/2019 12:12

I would come clean to your husband. You're not happy, he's not happy and the poor bloke doesn't even have the full story to make an informed decision. Perhaps had he found out about the affair when it happened, he would have left you. You completely took that decision away from him.

I'm not judging the affair, it's one thing to have an affair, stop, learn from it and move on and work to make your marriage stronger. But the fact is, you've never completely let this man go, occasional hugs, rare phone calls etc. The affair has really never ended. Not emotionally anyway.

So I would let your husband go, this isn't fair to him. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and only him without this sneaking about going on behind his back. As for your kids, they will sense the unhappiness between you both so I'd imagine in the long run they will be better off if you leave.

You worrying about leaving and it not working out is just selfish, incredibly selfish. That's just the risk you take when you leave a husband for the other man.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 10/03/2019 12:12

Posted too quickly:

User, what you currently don't have that most other couples do when they get together, is the lack of baggage of a former relationships as it's all 'new'. That makes the going somewhat easier.

If you follow Birdie's advice then you could largely replicate that but more importantly - if you spend some time on your own you can regroup as a single woman and get to know this man again. What you were five years ago (and what he was) and what you are both now, may have changed. Whether you eventually decide to make it as a couple together, you have time to decide. Time and space to grow as a couple - or time and space to come to the conclusion that it's actually not what you want.

Either way, your life lies ahead of you and you don't need to be in an unhappy marriage and more than your husband does.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/03/2019 12:15

Leave your husband but don’t tell him about the affair, it’s over anyway no need to inflict further cruelty

cookingonwine · 10/03/2019 12:19

Don't leave for the other man ... leave for yourself you deserve happiness and sadly your happiness will come at the cost of others but it's okay to be selfish if the end result will make you happy.

Of course there will be a shxt storm ahead but if it meant to be then everything will work out in the long run but it will probably take a few years for the storm to settle.

You have one life ... your life is for you and no one else.

NameChangeNugget · 10/03/2019 12:25

If you were happy with DH, you wouldn’t have looked at the OM. Be kind to DH in how you do it but end it.
You only get one shot at life

Orange6904 · 10/03/2019 12:35

Yolo, who cares about the om's wife or anything.

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