Leaving husband for affair partner?

[User0903]

I’m not proud of myself but I had a 6 month affair 5 years ago. Was absolutely head over heels in love with my affair partner but we ended it when his wife found out and have both spent the last 5 years trying to fix our marriages.

We have had minimal contact with each other Since we ended our relationship- only bumping into each other, seeing each other at a distance, occasional hugs, rare phone calls but that’s it. But neither of us has stopped thinking about the other at all. It’s almost obsessive on both our parts. There is no doubt that we both feel exactly the same about each other. We both only stayed so as not to hurt children and spouses. Both I’m long relationships.

His marriage is at rock bottom and mine is pretty bad but DH never found out about the affair. Our problems relate to a raft of other stuff.

We both have two children.

He has now asked me to leave my husband and said we can’t keep going like this completely obsessing about each other and wanting us the way we do but not actually doing it.

I am so hesitant because I just can’t imagine the fallout for all 4 kids, I don’t know if I can hurt DH and I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out. We also have an 18 year age gap.

Please tell me positive and negative stories where the affair worked out or didn’t. I am so torn.

I completely agree that you have to be prepared to leave, without recourse to another relationship. That's how you do it.

Your DC need you, and their df still in their lives whilst they adjust, everyone adjusts.

Then do the dating thing with om, if, and only if, he is free to date and not cheating on his wife again.

I so agree with redjelly

It's going to cause pain and be very unsettling for them, that's unavoidable, but at least you will be sending out a clear message about how to behave, and make them feel supported and loved.

This is not the man to leave your marriage for. He wants to use you as financial support.

He can't afford to move out on his own. It's too much pressure for you. If you do end up with him and it's not working out... you'll feel stuck and guilty to leave him.

Your DC will have their family security shaken and be spending half their time with you and him... with strained finances. That's not fun and it's not in their best interests.

Tbh he sounds like a liability.

This man is going to drag you down and not just financially.

This is not the man to leave your marriage for. He wants to use you as financial support.

No-one is the man to leave your marriage for. Everyone owes their marriage vows more respect than that. you leave your marriage based only on the state of your marriage!

Whether he's the one after all is separate.

My children come first
No, they don't. If they did, you wouldn't be considering taking them from their home and their dad today and moving them to a new house with a new father figure tomorrow. Can't you see how that would damage them?

If you're determined to set up home immediately with OM, wouldn't it be kinder to leave them with their dad? Do you think your DH is going to make it easy for you to take the kids to live with OM? Think for a minute about if the roles were reversed...

I also believe that you're the OM"safety net. If he's so unhappy why does he have to wait for you to leave your DH before he leaves his family?

@User0903 I do think the grass always appears greener on the other side, so be conscious that you may be wearing rose tinted glasses right now. As you have pointed out yourself, life will be great for a while, assuming he actually leaves his family, but then when reality and money trouble sink in it will be much much trickier on the other side.

You did make a commitment to your DH and it sounds like you have young kids. If you leave you will affect them negatively, children from broken family do statistically have more troubles. So is it worth it? Is HE worth it?

Do you have no positive experiences with your husband right now? Do you have any moments that remind you why you married him?

This is not me personally, but I know a woman who left her fiancé of 15 years for a colleague she met at work and they've been together 7 years and still going strong. So it can work, but it looks like you no longer love your husband anyway so even if it didn't work out, I'm sure it'll be the right thing. I don't condone cheating on people though

I’d leave the marriage. You aren’t happy. Move out and find somewhere else. I hope it works out with the other man.

It would never be easy but setting up on your own will ultimately be the best for you and your children. Does OM expect you to set up home with him straight away? This doesn't make sense on any level...what will the kids think for a start? I would really worry about the damage that would do. And then there is just the simple relationship issue, surely to stand a chance you need your own lives and then to start dating and finding out if you really are compatible in everyday life.

I'm not saying you don't have a future with this man, but you can't jump into a full on relationship just because he can't financially support himself.

As he won’t leave his wife unless I leave at the same time and we make a go of it together.

Beware. Placing such a condition on his leaving puts too much pressure on you. He is selfishly thinking of himself and his need for financial support.

A mature, caring man would understand that you need time to establish your own home and adapt to your new life before introducing him to the children. The children’s psychological well-being is of primary relevance. They will need time to adjust to their major life changes. This can take many months or even years.

These guidelines can be helpful with regard to introducing a romantic partner:
*The children will need to establish a routine with each parent, without the intrusion or distraction of a new partner.

*Dating should be done during non-custodial times. The introduction of a new partner can be confusing to young children, especially during the first year. Older children who are exploring their own sexuality and identity can feel self-conscious and embarrassed to see a parent with another partner.

*It is important that children do not feel anxious about how they fit into each parent’s life. They need to feel like they come first, and their secure attachment can be in jeopardy if a romantic partner is introduced too soon.

*Do not bring a new partner home for the night when the children are there. This is too confusing and the children will feel protective of the other parent.

*Always treat your former partner with respect. When including a new love interest, show respect to your children and their father by not flaunting the new partner. Respect boundaries by avoiding PDAs.

OP, as the above guidelines attest, you would be doing yourself and your children a great disservice if you and OM immediately move in together. The transition to living separately must be established and contact needs to be going smoothly. The children’s world will shift and they will need time to heal and adapt. So will you.

This is a bad idea to leave your husband for OM. OM is selfish and spineless in the very least. He won't leave his wife unless you leave your DH?!! Read all of that back and imagine what you would think of someone else had said that. He won't leave her because he probably needs your funds to support him and his dc!!! Do yourself and your dc a favour and wake up before it's too late. It's not mills and boon

18 year age gap?

Kids?

To be frank your husband deserves much better than you.

Soon as mr fancy pants becomes the norm. You'll be bored again wishing for what you threw away. By that time he will have found somebody much more loyal and deserving.

1. Whatever happened to marital promises?

1. Your putting your own selfish wants above that of the family.

1. Don't try and justify your actions by seeking validation online.

He's looking to jump before he's finally pushed & expects you to set up a home that he won't be contributing anything to because he's so broke.
He's 18 years older than you. Is his current marriage the only one he's had? If he's had others or long term relationships what were the circumstances of their ending? Were there any other children involved?
I'd be surprised if you're the only other woman he's had on the go over this past 5 years. You're possibly the only one in a position to provide a roof over his head & free lodgings. And free childcare for his 2 kids.

So neither one of you would leave unless you had someone else to go to first?

There's 4 DC between you. Did his DW and you both have another DC after the affair ended? Was his DW pregnant when the affair was going on?

He's 18 years older. Why isn't he financially secure at his age? Is his DW the main breadwinner?

Since you haven't told your husband about your affair, and worked through the fallout from that, you have been living a lie, and he has been living in a marriage with emotional distance he has no chance of bridging because he doesn't understand it. For the reason, you have not really tried to work on your marriage.

You say that the problems in the marriage come from the fact that your husband became: 'negative, pessimistic, and miserable overnight'. If you had wanted to fix the problem, you should have told him about your affair, and seen if the two of you wanted to work together to fix all the issues you both had.

The first thing that people do who have affairs is try to blame their husband/ wife for being 'miserable' and causing the affair. This is deeply dishonest and hurtful. Please don't tell yourself that you did everything you could to solve the problems in your marriage, when you have never been honest with your husband.

I have no idea if you should go or stay, but don't think it is helpful to lie to yourself or to your husband.

Can you clarify where the age difference is? Between you and your husband, or between you and your affair person?

If you're not happy you should leave. It will be far better for the children in the long run to grow up with two happy separated parents then in a miserable home.

But as far as the other guy goes, don't pin all your hopes on him. Reality can be very different to the fantasy life you'll have been dreaming up over the past five years. You both already know that each of you is capable of an affair so that will be one trust issue right there.

My advice would be to see if you can get out of the marriage regardless, be kind and amicable with your husband and focus on getting a stable home together for your kids. Then maybe see if things can work out with the OM. But don't go running into his arms immediately.

He’s only asking now as he wants to leave his wife but wants Someone to be there to care for him. Emotionally yes, but also practically. So cooking, cleaning, paying bills. I think he’s using you.

You absolutely suck as a human being and parent for wanting to jump them straight into living with a stranger.

Leave without them. Its not fair to drag them into a new place with a new man. Their feelings will be all over the place and it will be so hard on them.

The om kept you on the back burner and now his dw has had enough of their marriage (maybe he has other women on the go too) so he needs someone to take her place.

Your place as obsessive love mistress will be taken by someone else.

OM could be the real true love of your life but you could also just be focussing on him because your marriage isnt going well. Who knows?

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