Leaving husband for affair partner?

[User0903]

I’m not proud of myself but I had a 6 month affair 5 years ago. Was absolutely head over heels in love with my affair partner but we ended it when his wife found out and have both spent the last 5 years trying to fix our marriages.

We have had minimal contact with each other Since we ended our relationship- only bumping into each other, seeing each other at a distance, occasional hugs, rare phone calls but that’s it. But neither of us has stopped thinking about the other at all. It’s almost obsessive on both our parts. There is no doubt that we both feel exactly the same about each other. We both only stayed so as not to hurt children and spouses. Both I’m long relationships.

His marriage is at rock bottom and mine is pretty bad but DH never found out about the affair. Our problems relate to a raft of other stuff.

We both have two children.

He has now asked me to leave my husband and said we can’t keep going like this completely obsessing about each other and wanting us the way we do but not actually doing it.

I am so hesitant because I just can’t imagine the fallout for all 4 kids, I don’t know if I can hurt DH and I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out. We also have an 18 year age gap.

Please tell me positive and negative stories where the affair worked out or didn’t. I am so torn.

Dont underestimate the chaos that will unfold when you leave and your husband inevitably discovers the affair. Never assume that events will unfold in a particular way. The chaos will last for several years and the stress will be tremendous on you all. Your children will be severely affected. Carefully consider if this is the road that will lead to more happiness. It may not, at least in the short term. You will fall from your pedestal, and it will feel painful. Others will judge you. Your husband may be the vengeful type. I speak from experience here.

Be careful. An affair is not like a relationship. You don't live together, day in, day out. You don't deal with the less glamorous parts of a relationship: the chores, the daily routine, the illnesses, the tiredness. I imagine it would be easy to see a relationship where you just have the romantic bits as ideal - but it's not real life. Relationships are not just about how you "feel" about one another, but how you exist together in every sense of the word "exist" - mentally, physically, emotionally. They are about how you work together in the domain of the everyday, which is a very different place.

You are contemplating the infliction of an enormous amount of pain in your marriage, and on your kids. You need to be certain.

Thank you for the helpful advice. Pescars this is what is concerning me. The chaos, the effect on the children and the fact that so few affairs survive real life.

Jellybean, I think you were one of the lucky ones but you left for you and with time. I can’t shake that I wouldn’t leave if it weren’t for OM and As my marriage is bad but without OM it probably isn’t bad enough to justify leaving. Or inflicting the level of stress and upset on everyone that leaving will.

Downcast that’s just it - I’m so uncertain. I can’t do this. And feel like I’m losing my last shot at seeing what life with OM would be like. I love him so very much and have longed for this for so long but I can’t figure out if love alone is enough to justify the hurt that we will cause. He also won’t leave his wife unless we do this together. Which is putting so much pressure on us from the get go.

" I love him so very much and have longed for this for so long but I can’t figure out if love alone is enough to justify the hurt that we will cause."

There are two issues here:

1. Your marriage is in deep, deep trouble. This is a separate issue from
2. Whether your relationship with the other man can work.

The trouble is, an affair can be a kind of band aid for a relationship that isn't working - a bit of glamour and romance that is missing in your life. In such cases, the affair is very much conditioned and dependent on the marital issues. It's very hard to know what the chances are for the relationship if the marriage and its problems are taken away.

On the other hand, if you've tried everything in the marriage and it's just not working at all, you deserve a shot at happiness, whether with this man or someone else. You do have to accept the risks that go with that move, though - lower financial security, and having to deal with the emotional fallout. People will adjust, with time, but they will naturally be shocked and extremely hurt at first.

my marriage is bad but without OM it probably isn’t bad enough to justify leaving
There isn't a certain level of shit that makes it OK to leave someone. You don't have to prove that it was somehow necessary. It can just be because you want a good relationship, and feel yours isn't actively good.

As a parent, of course you can't only take what you want into account, and you might feel like your children want to be with their father, so you have to enable that as long as you can.
But the main thing is that your children can still be with their father. Not that you all have to be together in one house.

My parents divorced when I was very small, so I can't remember them being together. What I personally suffered from was a) not being able to visit my father at all, and b) having to share my home with total strangers. The one she eventually married is lovely, but even so it took me years to feel comfortable with him as a child - and he's great with children and put in a huge effort.

I may have misinterpreted what you're saying, so sorry if this isn't your plan, but moving your children in with a man they don't know would be really hard for them, especially if it comes at the very same time as discovering you are separating.

So what he’s telling you is that he wants to leave his wife, but isn’t doing it until he’s lined up you as a replacement?! This would make the decision for me. If he was that unhappy he’d leave and be in his own. I bet if you say no he’ll stay with her.

This is not the sort of man I’d want to be with, let alone hurt my children for.

Downcast, I’m not sure we have tried everything and as he doesn’t know about the affair he’ll never know about the extent of our problems. I will not tell him about OM not after so long. He isn’t a bad man, we have just grown further and further apart.

Ravenmum, yes that would be the plan. To both do this together from day 1. I think I would probably just about cope alone but he wouldn’t as he has no financial security at all.

Loseit, to be honest I am feeling exactly as you’ve said. This has been an underlying issue for years. He has asked me to leave and set up together many times and I’ve said no as need to figure out being alone, I didn’t want to jump straight out of marriage I go home with him. He begged his wife each time and they stayed together. But as the years have passed it didn’t seem like such a bad ide. Now we are at a real decision making moment and he won’t leave unless I do. I feel nervous about leaving with two children and starting straight away as the strain on us from the outset would be huge.

He isn’t right is he? Our affair is just a band aid isn’t it?

I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out

So you'll keep stringing your husband along deceitfully all so you don't end up alone!? Poor you what a dilemma... Sorry you deserve to end up alone along with all the fallout that goes with it.
Set your husband free it is the absolute least you can do at this point. The kids also deserve to know what kind of person you are....

Toomanypuppies, I probably do and I probably will. I know what I’ve done is massively wrong but I’ve come here to ask for advice and help figuring out the best way forward. My children come first and I value the advice of other women who’ve been through this and can share how they got through it without inflicting irreversible pain and damage on everyone involved

But OP. Can you really say you’ve tried with your marriage? You’ve always had the fantasy of the OM in your head. I imagine your DH has felt your distance. So it hasn’t been a fair playing field.

Do you think you’ll need feel resentful in time if you are financially providing as OM isn’t able to?

Going from your update I must say he sounds selfish and horrible, I wouldn’t begin to consider breaking my family up for him. He can’t be that unhappy if he’s not prepared to go it alone, only worth leaving if there’s someone waiting for him. Pathetic.

How could you even respect somebody that would treat their wife that way? Her shoes are the ones you’ll be stepping into, prepare yourself to be treated in the same abysmal way. I don’t get how you can find someone who behaves like this an attractive proposition.

You want thoughts/recommendations/reassurance regarding your future possibilities...

FIRST come clean to your poor husband! You have broke your vows and cheated on him. He deserves to know your not trustworthy.

What comes with that is only your own doing. If you was not happy, you should of left your marriage. Not commit adultery.

Only then can the future be discussed.

OP, you said "My children come first" 🙄

So now they do?

Was it in your children's interests when you first decided to cheat and spend these sneaky times with this other man?

I think not.. it was all about YOU 😳

Now you stand here after claiming your children come first. Sorry but you can't turn back time, you can't keep it from your DH or DC.

I would say your best bet on a crap situation is come clean and hopefully you might be forgiven in time.

Op you can't seriously be thinking that the only way out of your marriage is to move your children out of the family home and into a house with a strange man and two children? Am I reading that correctly?

That is in no way putting your kids first. If that is in fact what you are saying, then that is massively massively fucked up. Based on that alone I would say you need to stay with your husband. That would be incredibly damaging to your children.

Real wife, I’m honestly not saying that. That is what OM wants us to do. As he won’t leave his wife unless I leave at the same time and we make a go of it together. I have doubts about all of it tbh. And am starting to feel that he is only asked now bc I’m his marriage is at rock bottom. However I don’t doubt his feelings for me and us.

Also the effect on my children does come first, otherwise I probably would have left 5 years ago.

I would put money on the probability that if you were to leave, he would find reason after reason to stay with his wife.........don’t do it.

And what happen if you both leave your partners and then he goes back to his?

My children come first

Bullshit. Every single person who has kids who has an affair is putting themselves first.

Putting your children first means
a) not having an affair
b) trying to sort your marriage out
c) divorce if necessary

In that order.

I think I would probably just about cope alone but he wouldn’t as he has no financial security at all
So you leave, set yourself up, give the children time to get used to it, and maybe in a year's time you can introduce him ... you've waited years already, you can wait another.

This idea he's been pressuring you into is a really bad one. And if you're his only financial means of leaving the marriage then I would be very, very sceptical indeed in your position. You really do need to make sure that you and your children are properly set up without him. You can't risk all this on someone when there's such an obvious risk of him using you for cheap accommodation.

My bf's exwife did what you're planning - left him and moved straight in with her affair partner, with her daughter - one day with dad, the next with OM. The little girl's school performance did a nosedive, she hated the man and when the relationship collapsed a year later, she had to go through the whole rigmarole of moving again with her mum.

Can I PM you @user0903

You have problems with your marriage because you are a cheat.
It's really that simple.
Tell your dh, leave him for the om and take your chances if it works or not. It probably won't as much of the attraction would have been a high from being cheating scum.
Tell dh let him find someone who loves him, because you clearly don't.
let the om wife be free to find someone who doesn't cheat.
Then once with om he has a vacancy to cheat with someone else, as hat's what he does.

I value the advice of other women who’ve been through this and can share how they got through it without inflicting irreversible pain and damage on everyone involved
I went through it as a child, my bf and his daughter have just got through it from the point of view of your husband and children. Sorry I can't give you quite the positive scenario you want. But the little girl is quite happy now she's not living with the OM any more, if that's any consolation. (My bf and I don't live together, so she has her dad to herself, too.)

When I first suspected my exh had begun an emotional affair, I told him that if he wanted to be with someone else, he should leave me first. That was all I asked for. But he couldn't make up his mind whether to leave or not. So it dragged on for ages ... until I got fed up of waiting and spied on him, and the whole sorry truth came out. If he'd left all those months before when I asked if he wanted to, the separation woud have been much more level-headed and polite. Less stressful for all.

The longer you stay with your dh but keep in touch with OM, the higher the risk is of things blowing up while you're still together. That's nasty for the kids.

He begged his wife each time and they stayed together. He no doubt feigned remorse so he could keep his creature comforts.

You have taken away your DH’s choice to be in a monogamous relationship. He believes that he is married to a faithful woman.

@ravenmum has a wise suggestion. Leave your marriage and settle yourself and your children for a year.

OP... onthis thread I am maybe the only poster who has effectively had a similar experience. Please for all the children's sake if you leave, you need to have your own home without om... A year minimum.
Plus you and hee need time to date, time to have those first bits of a relationship, you need time to deal with your divorces etc.
You ask how to stop it being painful for everyone... You leave your husband but you don't flaunt your new relationship for at least a year.
My dp and I basically kept our relationship very private except for a couple of close friends who knew about our whole history. And it was a gradual build up to about the two year mark before we were more public and introduced our children to the idea.
You need to do this in very small steps. And only leave you dh if you'd be happy on your own as there is no guarantee with om