Leaving husband for affair partner?

[User0903]

I’m not proud of myself but I had a 6 month affair 5 years ago. Was absolutely head over heels in love with my affair partner but we ended it when his wife found out and have both spent the last 5 years trying to fix our marriages.

We have had minimal contact with each other Since we ended our relationship- only bumping into each other, seeing each other at a distance, occasional hugs, rare phone calls but that’s it. But neither of us has stopped thinking about the other at all. It’s almost obsessive on both our parts. There is no doubt that we both feel exactly the same about each other. We both only stayed so as not to hurt children and spouses. Both I’m long relationships.

His marriage is at rock bottom and mine is pretty bad but DH never found out about the affair. Our problems relate to a raft of other stuff.

We both have two children.

He has now asked me to leave my husband and said we can’t keep going like this completely obsessing about each other and wanting us the way we do but not actually doing it.

I am so hesitant because I just can’t imagine the fallout for all 4 kids, I don’t know if I can hurt DH and I am terrified about doing all this and is not working out. We also have an 18 year age gap.

Please tell me positive and negative stories where the affair worked out or didn’t. I am so torn.

A lot of cheating apologism on this thread.

OP, you are in a mess of your own making. You are just going to have to accept that there are no easy ways forward.

I wouldn't follow Birdies advice but I'd be honest about the reason for ending the marriage. I asked my wife if her desire to seperate was due to there being someone else and she said there wasn't. I belived her and still do. She started dating someone else a year later (after we divorced and I'd moved out of the family home) and if I ever found out she's lied to me that would be it. We still see each other occasionally when she picks up my daughter (28 today) to take her for tea and we get on really well and always have done. Lying to someone you once loved won't help you make a decision nor will it make it easy if you keep in contact for the sake of the father of your kids, it'll probably make things very awkward and cause much animosity when you do see each other.

OM's wife is his concern, not the OP's. Her own family is her concern. Where did she ask for finger-wagging?

It's always the same, posters who've been cheated on rush to any affair thread to give the same old 'you made your bed' comment. How is that helpful?

I agree with the majority. Separate from your husband (your marriage is obviously moribund and making you both miserable) and be single for a while. Date the OM (assuming he leaves his wife - don't go near him unless he does) but don't live together or rush into blending families. See what happens. Focus on yourself and your DCs, theOM should be incidental for now.

Do the decent thing and leave because your marriage isn't working - not because you have a better offer. It will be better for everyone, you especially.

I'd imagine OM's wife might spill the beans to your h once you get together with OM though.

The fact that you haven't been able to get together with OM has made it very exciting and kept up the romance. That's a big problem with affairs - when it's back to everyday life with a new man, the grass won't look as green.

That's another reason why it would be prudent to make sure that you are properly set up as a single person before you try anything new. It is good to know that you can survive alone.

Don't forget that you're not the only one not having a good time in your marriage. You husband might well be seriously considering leaving you this very moment. It isn't all about you. It's about both of you facing facts and doing what is best for you.

How about you tell your husband the truth? He doesn't deserve to be living a lie. Let him have a chance of finding meaningful happiness, being with a cheating spouse isn't fair on him.

If a man posted this thread he would have got a lot of vitriol.

Fwiw I think you should leave and make your own life, if your fellow cheater and you decide to make a go of it then great, if not then you have a fresh start.

I agree with the others. It seems to me that your marriage has never been what it could've been, so end it cleanly.

I'd also try and be 'good ' during the split and resettlement. And if it works with the om, fine, but you'll be fine either way. With someone else eventually.

I'd go for it, but properly, so you've nothing to be ashamed of when's all's said and done.

If you were happy with DH, you wouldn’t have looked at the OM

Hmm. Never seen this said when a woman comes on to say DH/DP is cheating.

Or heaven help a man who comes here and says he cheated.

You need to leave your marriage, whichever way you decide to move forward. I'd hazard that going from one man to another won't have a great ending, though, and I'd suggest that you probably need some time on your own to work yourself out.

You know cheating isn't ok, you know you've shat all over your marriage. What you need to do now is stop shitting on your children's father and hopefully try to separate as amicably and respectfully as possible. Moving on two hours later with the OM is not part of that plan.

There’s a lot of good advice here, thank you.
Birdie- I am finding it very hard to be totally sure that my feelings are ‘real’. That they aren’t based on some fantasy. How did you know? They feel very real and they have done for 5 years. If anything our desperation to be together has become greater the more time that has passed. But I just can’t shake the fear that even though I feel we know each other we actually have no idea about what day to day life would be like and with 4 children in tow. All children between 2-7.

I am v nervous about the effect this will have on all our children and this is something we have talked about loads. He seems convinced we can do this but I find looking after two children such hard work that I am nervous about having four of them.

I’m also scared of the financial impact of divorcing and starting again. We don’t have loads of money now but we’re not struggling . We don’t have much left each month but we’re ok. This will hit DH and me hard as I’m just not sure we have enough to keep 2 households going. Is worrying about this silly? You can’t stay with someone because you can’t afford to leave can you? My affair partner doesn’t earn much at all and he would struggle to support his DC let alone have anything left to help with us if we moved in together. So financially I am pretty worried about the future.

The family fallout will be massive and This is worrying too. I mean with parents on all sides. Both of us have been married a long time that our relationships with spouse’s families are significant and there will be a big loss for us both in this respect.

There’s no way I can not tell DH about the affair as the second my affair partner leaves his wife she will tell my husband everything. So I don’t think I’ll be able to do the whole being single thing. To be honest I don’t want to either really which is probably stupid. I feel like I have longed for this for so many year that I won’t be able to do it without him.

I really am torn between feeling like you get one shot at this life as many have pointed out and feeling like the most selfish person on Earth. Ruining DHs and DCs lives just so I can feel alive and happy. When the statistics for affairs turning into successful long term relationships are so low.

It’s so difficult. I head over heels love and adore my affair partner. He feels exactly the same and I do feelcwe have both given our marriages as much as we could have over the last 5 years and they just aren’t working out. I don’t know why I’m so confused. Does this mean he isn’t right? That we aren’t right? Or that I don’t want to hurt everyone more than we already have.

It may be worth getting together some financial details and seeing a solicitor, just so you know where you stand with money. Not in the sense of being a "step ahead" of your husband but in the sense of being informed.

Again, forget about OM and how much/little money he's got - this is about you leaving your husband and being on your own for a while. Hurtling headlong into a blended family living arrangement would be unwise - it would cause additional stress and upset to the four DCs and the two spouses and would put immense pressure on you.

How old are you and he ? Does he have young children too or just you?

Pressed too soon.. yes def do what birdie says .. space and time will give you some insight to your real feelings .

@user0903

I had a pretty similar story to you.
Met dp and had an affair. Was supposed to be just some fun, (I know awful but there were extenuating circumstances for me). We fell utterly in love, and I was well aware of lust, limerence, affairs being heady stuff etc. But we both felt the same. We had four dc at the time quite young.
We were starting to tentatively talk about the future when he was found out.
We discussed being together then but had 150 miles of geography between us and young children and I said we should try to make our marriages work for the dcsake.
But we never managed to stay away from each other.. And while we had periods of time when we weren't in much contact, the love never went away.
It lasted through many a difficult time.
And for us proved that our feelings were not due to limerence or lust.
I left my marriage five yrs later, my dexh was gay and had been in denial when we met, and he had decided to be celibate quite early in our marriage. He never explained this to me he never talked, refused counselling etc. But we were and still are good friends and good Co parents. So when I eventually decided I couldn't carry on being married it was for his sake as well as mine.. At that point I was in no contact with dp who was still married.
So I left for me.. Not for him
But he did contact me, we saw each other, I told him I'd separated and that was it.. He left his wife a week later. They had tried counselling and therapy but he had not been happy long before our affair and says honestly he should have left earlier and he never stopped wanting a life with me.
I won't lie.. It has on occasions been hard.
Our dc by the time we got together were young adults and two were young teens.
They have been amazing. His say dad is so much happier and they hated all the tension and rows, mine get it as dexh now has a partner of same sex.
The girls all get on really well and we have a lovely life.
But I am ever ashamed of what we did originally. His ex wife is incredibly bitter and I don't blame her. Even though he trief to make it work after our affair his heart wasn't in it as he didn't want to be there... That was unfair on her.
But I can't undo the past
And my dp and our relationship is everything I thought it would be
My advice is you need to separate first, keep it low key and slowly date him.
Take it one step at a time, if it is right it will work.
We had our own flats for two yrs and only introduced the children after 1.5yrs.
It was hard we had wanted a life together for so long.. I wanted to throw myself into it but being patient and slowly getting used to the situation was the best thing we did.
Good luck with what you decide but you must leave your marriage for you not him. Think if it doesn't work out with him would you still think leaving your husband was the right thing to do?

but I find looking after two children such hard work that I am nervous about having four of them.

This is really important. How much of a hands on dad is the OM? Because the ages of the DC are quite young and a read of the stepparent board, will give you an idea how difficult it is for step mums.

They often get lumbered with most of the childcare for their partner.

If you're just about managing with 2, you need to think seriously about it.

The financial state of the OM is also relevant. What will life be like for all 4 DC.

I'm not saying to stay in a miserable marriage, but jumping straight in with the OM isn't a good idea.

His marriage is at a low, so he's wanting you to leave yours. How well do you really know him. It would be terrible to go from one bad relationship to a man you don't know outside of affairyland.

Leave your husband. Deserves better.

Keep om out of this.

You have to act independently.

You say your marriage was always failing. It's time to leave. You don't have 4 DC to worry about, you have two. Your two DC are the only ones who matter here. They didn't choose to be born into a loveless marriage, and will be better off than with two miserable parents, don't think they don't feel it, even if they don't know it.

Make your own plans, discuss them with DH and agree as amicably as possibly a reasonable planned separation putting DC as priority.

If things work out with om after all this is done, then its stood the test of time.

The grass isn't always greener.

But you should separate from your DH and let things settle before moving on straight away

Reading this with interest OP... I’ll update later but from experience I would say go for it xx

You are going to have significant pressures that would make your relationship with om difficult. Four young non-related children to balance, his angry ex-wife, your angry ex-h, the lack of money will be a significant strain. It’s not going to be the fun romance you’ve been having. In addition you say you’ve hardly seen each other for five years, so to be clear, what you have now is not real life and not what you would have if you lived together. I still don’t think you should stay with your husband but you should also want him to be leaving his wife anyway, because he was unhappy, and not using you as a jump off - that would be the decent thing to do at this point.

You're looking at it in terms of what you have to lose vs what you have to gain. This is not the way to do things. No one can tell you if your gain will outweigh your losses. You either take the plunge and leave your husband because your marriage is now a big lie, one you are staying in for your comfort whilst letting your husband believe that he is a married man, and then face the consequences of your decision whether it turns out as your fantasy or not, in which case you'll have to embrace your new life. Or you forget about this guy completely, no contact nothing, and then tell your OH that yoi are not totally happy in the marriage and would like to work, with him, to rekindle what you had and you give your husband what he deserves and that 100% commitment to making it work, which I suspect you didn't do in the last 5 years.

So I don’t think I’ll be able to do the whole being single thing.
This is, to be very honest, bollocks. Even if the OM's wife puts out a full-page ad in the Sun, you'd still be able to "do the whole being single thing". It does indeed take a bit of hard work to sort yourself out a home and get your head around the fact that you are now the only responsible adult in charge there. But given that many late teenage, poorly educated single mums manage it, a grown woman like you should be able to cope, no?

It is not a choice between acting the wife with your husband and acting the wife with the OM. There are lots of different possible arrangements in between which do not involve your children being ripped out of their privacy and plunged into life with a men they don't know.

Agree with ravenmum that you seem to see this as a choice between being the wife to your dh or the ‘wife’ to your affair partner. In reality it’s not as simple. Someone also made the excellent point that when it’s an affair you can’t possibly get to know the partner in the normal day to day way of things. It’s a secret relationship. You don’t have the interactions with family and friends that are part of being a couple. And it sounds as though contact has been minimal between you for ages anyway. I don’t doubt the feelings are intense- that’s very clear- but there’s no way of knowing whether these will translate into a happy long term relationship.

I think the only way forward is to separate and have some time alone- not with your dh or your affair partner- so you can reflect and really spend some time working out the next steps.

And yes of course there will be a financial impact. How can there not be, if you and dh have bought a house together and other assets on the basis of your joint finances and are then going to have to finance two separate households? I’m not saying that’s a reason to just stay btw, just saying you need to be realistic.

Hey OP... I’m in a similar situation so following with interest. I have been in love with the same guy since we were a couple for a few years aged 19. It ended for reasons that were perfectly normal but I was devastated although we remained friends. We tried to reconnect periodically after that with almost laughable things keeping us apart (think me crashing my car on the way to our new first date the night before he was travelling abroad for a few months for work, that sort of thing). Then in our mid twenties we did reconnect when we were both unhappy with our partners. We had an affair but I chose to end it with my fiance because the writing was on the wall for us and we were completely unsuited but OM was definitely a catalyst. However, I found out that the ‘thing’ he said he kept needing to tell me was that his wife was pregnant. I was truly and utterly blindsided. To cut a long story short, my fiance whom I had just separated from found messages making it clear that while I hadn’t cheated on him, I was in the midst of an emotional affair and a shit storm blew up. OM’s wife never found out and despite all his talk of leaving her and how unhappy he was, it never and still hasn’t happened.

I won’t even go into detail about how miserable the next batch of years were but my advice would be, leave for YOU if circumstances allow. I put that caveat in because I get the financial uncertainties. Or alternatively, make sure he leaves his wife first. I also know the heart break of wanting to be with someone so much you cannot think lf anything else... so I’m keeping everything crossed you find your happiness. We all deserve it where we can find it x