Are you married to an investment banker?

[LoveMarigold]

If so I'd love to hear some wisdom from you. (NC as some people know my username on here).

I married an investment banker (VP in a well known top city investment bank) last year and we are trying for a family. All great and lovely atm.

I am extremely alert to the oft cited reasons why some couples' marriages crack or fail- childcare, no time for each other, uneven distribution of chores, no time away from parenting, long working hours etc, the list goes on.

We are keen to put things in place and be alert to these risks, and manage things as best we can under our specific circumstances. Obviously the massive pro is his high salary which should increase, and I am extremely grateful and aware how lucky we are. The cons are the hours, and lack of time together.

For context I earn a good (normal) salary and teach in an adult education college 3 days pw and do 1-1 tutoring from home the other two days.

If you've been married to a city banker at this level you will know the very specific culture of long hours and possible impact on weekends, holidays etc. At the moment he works until about 10-11pm on an average day, with the occasional early finish, and occasional manic few days of all hours when a project is finishing. We have obviously spoken about our future but I would love to hear other opinions.

Wives / husbands of investment bankers- What advice if any would you have in hindsight to a newly married couple starting out and hoping to start a family and stay in love / strong in our marriage?

And I have my own job/career which obviously has had to take second place because he can never take time off for sick kids etc. At one point it was my choice to keep working part time and it has been important for my sanity, but unfortunately now I couldn’t stop if I wanted to because of our financial situation.

I'm married to a former trader, MD level.

Agree with a lot of what's on this thread which is sadly mostly negative

It's all fine pre-children (as the op is experiencing) but I'd be interested to hear how things go afterwards.

Sorry for the negativity op!

Save up, overpay mortgage, don't upscale your spending

Get help - cleaner, babysitter

Get a few hours of childcare per week so you have some FUN time.to yourself

Get.some great mum friends so you are.not lonely and isolated. Invite them round in the evenings as you will be lonely as you have to stay at home.with the baby

Give up your job so you are.not.in never ending bubble.of stress as you are always the one having to leave to pick up / drop off etc

Security.of good income is really,.really valuable

You can make it work. All you need is love.

I work in the City and it is bloody hard on partners, particularly if they are not in the same game.

People burn out, many suffer depression, lots of people have affairs and many relationships break down.

Be aware of the risks - money is all well and good but it soon becomes a nothing.

No direct experience but someone very close to me was married to an investment banker in the city.

He was lovely when they met but changed jobs/got promoted and then turned into a grade A cunt. This coincided with the kids arriving so not sure what was the job and what was his appalling chauvinism re 'women's work' but everything went to shit very quickly.

She couldn't work because he never ever took time off for ill kids/appointments/school stuff.

He travelled a lot but refused to have childcare.

Was horrible to her when she re-trained. He has never valued her work or her interests. His career was the only one that mattered because he was the man and he made the money. She had to look pretty, make the house nice and keep the kids quiet.

Spent shitloads of money on booze/weed/coke but quibbled about household money.

All his mates are cunts too. All cheating on their wives and think it's ok because they've bought them a nice house and an Audi.

Shit dad, shit husband, shit human. I don't know if the job brought out that side of him but it was a horrible to see.

Even if your partner is loving and caring and not like the bloke above, it's still going to be rough. All the money in the world probably doesn't make up for the long absences, lack of family time and the priorities being work and money.

Not a life I'd choose.

This thread is not a ringing endorsement for marrying a high earning partner.

@Fightthebear - Agree!!

I’ve been married to mine 15 years. When I met and married him he had been laid off from a big American bank due to the downturn so I had no idea what I was getting myself into. When he eventually got work again as a director- yes, he worked long hours which was a bit of a shock and I left my career when we had our first child. We got a nanny twice a week so I could go back to work as wanted to keep up professional hours and maintained that through second child too. Now both primary school age. He tries hard to get to parent/teacher meetings, school plays etc and to get home early if I need to go out etc. Of course I do the lions share of childcare and sometimes I resent the fact that anything I do out of the ordinary I need to plan and arrange cover but I really don’t recognise a lot of what is being said on here. Often he travels at short notice for short stints but as he isn’t there in the early evenings /mornings much anyway the children don’t really notice. And he makes up for it on weekends. We have a comfortable, happy life!

That’s good at least stclair.

In general there’s an impression of adapting and quiet resignation rather than any real joy in the arrangements.

High salary, high pressure and high power jobs don't easily lend themselves to stable relationships, particularly with kids. I have seen it way too often.

You are kidding yourself to think otherwise I'm afraid.

My DH was an investment banker for 20 years when I first met him. He done very well and was on fabulous money which was fine until we had DC as I never saw him.

He was made redundant when DC were small and had a change of career, financially was great as paid off lots and he spend a year studying and looking after DC. Now he works for himself.

I'm not sure it would have worked if he was was still in banking as I also have a full time career, now I am the main earner although DC are adult and teen.

DH has two friends that work in the city on crazy amounts of money and one is a banker. We are now all around 50, one has never had a successful relationship and has become money obsessed. He was always a bit of an A hole though. The other seems quite happily married but he is a very down to earth type of person and remains so even with an enormous salary. Personality plays a large part with these two.

I am also related to a woman who is the mistress of a high earning city worker and has been for a decade. He takes her with him on his many jaunts abroad and he leads a double life really. I’m not in contact with this family member anymore.

So my limited knowledge on a personal level is two absolute shitheads and one nice guy.

My close family Member is one and are a committed and loving parent and spouse look at the man not the job
You will have weekends , holidays and all banks do allow
Time for for the life changing stuff too

I can only echo what everyone else has said:

*Try hard to keep your foot in the work door if you possibly can, even if it's just the odd bit of tutoring, even though you will essentially be left doing it all at home, and your job will feel like it's "less important" to the household. It will help to retain your sense of self at that danger point when otherwise you feel you might disappear, as your DH gets more senior.

• Buy the best childcare money can buy, for longer hours each week than you think you need. It will allow you to work without guilt and will give you enough time to do enough stuff to continue to feel like a valued individual in your own right and not just a provider of services to your family - e.g. just going to the dentist on your own, going for the odd run to clear your head, etc. A mother's help would be lovely, but call up the Norland placement team, and pay the extra. It has been life changing for us, and our nanny is a valued member of our family who the kids absolutely adore. I am completely happy for good quality childcare and education to be our luxury purchases, and I'm not very interested in handbags and shoes. I still buy them from M and S.

*Save as much as you can, and don't be drawn into the fantasy. DH was pretty senior, and I think he thought he'd be there for the long haul, but ultimately it made him unhappy. It doesn't and can't last forever for many people. DH's friends from work used to think we were hilarious for going camping in France while they went off to Mauritius, but it has meant that we have been able to make different choices (although still unfortunately with insane hours) whilst still putting the DC through private school. It has also, I hope, meant that the DC have a wider range of normal friends, from a variety of walks of life.

• Try to keep your old friends. As I say, this life won't last forever. The rest of the team at the bank are unlikely to be there to hold your hand at 3am when you have a miscarriage, etc - I found that they were often situational friendships, however lovely the individuals concerned.

• If your DH isn't going to be around much and he wants to have kids, then he needs to be prepared to abandon the concept of having much free time to himself until the kids are much, much older - every minute that DH is home belongs to the kids these days, or he would have literally no relationship with them at all. I have just this minute finished arguing with him about the fact that he hasn't laid eyes on the kids for days, despite his best efforts...

I'm married to a hodcarrier. It was hard work cleaning the muck off his hands when he got home, we had to use Swarfega before he held the baby