Are you married to an investment banker?

[LoveMarigold]

If so I'd love to hear some wisdom from you. (NC as some people know my username on here).

I married an investment banker (VP in a well known top city investment bank) last year and we are trying for a family. All great and lovely atm.

I am extremely alert to the oft cited reasons why some couples' marriages crack or fail- childcare, no time for each other, uneven distribution of chores, no time away from parenting, long working hours etc, the list goes on.

We are keen to put things in place and be alert to these risks, and manage things as best we can under our specific circumstances. Obviously the massive pro is his high salary which should increase, and I am extremely grateful and aware how lucky we are. The cons are the hours, and lack of time together.

For context I earn a good (normal) salary and teach in an adult education college 3 days pw and do 1-1 tutoring from home the other two days.

If you've been married to a city banker at this level you will know the very specific culture of long hours and possible impact on weekends, holidays etc. At the moment he works until about 10-11pm on an average day, with the occasional early finish, and occasional manic few days of all hours when a project is finishing. We have obviously spoken about our future but I would love to hear other opinions.

Wives / husbands of investment bankers- What advice if any would you have in hindsight to a newly married couple starting out and hoping to start a family and stay in love / strong in our marriage?

No experience of this but it wouldn't be for me, life's too short and you never hear anyone say on their deathbed that they wished they'd worked more. Quite the opposite in fact.

My ex divorced her ex-husband because he was never around, he provided an amazing lifestyle in terms of big house, fancy car, materialistic things but he was never around.

She said soon after we got together that I had given her more emotionally in 3 months than he had given her in 10 years. She eventually ditched me though and I think it was for superficial reasons as she ended up with another extremely well off guy who I'm assuming has a fairly similar lifestyle but I understand her reasoning as she had three kids who she never wanted to go without having come from a relatively poor background herself.

Ex husband was a similarly high earner.
My advice? Keep your hand in at work. Try to keep yourself financially independent.
Not saying this will happen to you in a million years, but I didn't notice his cheating initially, due to the long hours he worked. And our lives often felt a million miles apart.
Sure, I got a decent settlement. But even that comes at an emotional cost.
Enjoy the perks, but don't give up your own career completely!

My friend recently quit his high level IB job to start his own business as he got fed up of not spending time with his children. He was senior (a partner) and doing well and should have had more time as you say but he didn't. His wife isn't happy - maybe the money was more important than she thought. One to think about. She gave up her career to support his and is feeling lost. And honestly, he is the kindest, least arrogant man. No superiority issues or anything.

I have a ridiculous hours job - IB is definitely not the only field that happens in - and I'm not working next year while our baby is under one. I might work part time after that. My DH is in the same field as me but works fewer hours and is much happier than I am. I'm looking forward to a better quality of life next year. We're financially secure but I'm tired of it and fed up of work being the priority. The money just isn't worth it and the stress is outrageous. We've saved for our future a fair bit so we now need to think about the present and living in the moment.

You really should have a cleaner and someone to do laundry etc to balance out the one woman show you have going on at home. That said, my DH definitely does more around the house than I do. I'm looking forward to doing my bit to even out the balance next year.

@finewordsforaporcupine suspect you’re right, and no not happy with it :( already had many talks but he insists he will help more.. one week later and back to me doing everything/him complaining his work is stressful and I’m stressing him by nagging ( like my work isn’t stressful?!? It’s the same work!!)
My colleagues (the men my age ) all seem pretty happy with their marriages though, lots of them have families living outside London. They have Mon-thurs pied a terres in London and go home on fri nights...not a life I would be too happy with if I was the wife tbh!!

name change check

I don't get how he managed enough time to date you but isn't ever available now.

My father works in fiancace, not investment banking but long hours and lots of foreign travel. I saw him less than many of my friends whose parents were divorced and had inconsistent NRP dads, but despite this we are still close. My mum gave up working when she had DC and became a stay at home mum, she did almost everything alone, we weren't put in childcare at any point. But my dads salary meant that she had no worries about bills,food, private school fees and extracurriculars. We had a beautiful family home, nice cars and amazing holidays. And when he was home he was non stop doing the DIY that was needed, taking my siblings and I out so my mum had a break from us. He regarded what my mum was doing in raising us as just as important as bringing in the money, and treated her as an equal always - that is probably the most important factor in their success. They are still together and very happy married for over 30 years.

My DH works in the city - not banking - but with similar hours. I gave up everything to bring up DC pretty much on my own. He nevertheless attended anything at school, and now they’re at uni, he knows that money is they’d way to their hearts and affection. He cannot understand why I have such a good relationship with them.

Needless to say, I’m seriously considering my options as he (DH) has turned into a monumental arse and looks down on my SAH status.

Please tread carefully. Money is not everything.

DH was in investment banking for 20+ years doing sell side, finishing up as an MD. Now he's buy side. We've been together 15 years and married 12. We've 2 DC (9&8). Currently living in Asia. I also work in the banking industry but do a compressed year on a 0.7 contract (FT during term time, PT during school holidays).

Firstly, whilst IB is usually long hours, they are hugely variable depending on which bank (US tends to be worse than European), whether you need to routinely work across time zones, and whether your work is mainly market centred or transaction focused. It's not necessarily longer hours than many other senior professional jobs.

However, generally it's transaction work (as your DH is doing) that is worse because it's more unpredictable and more prone to real or imagined bouts of urgency around deal close. My impression from my peer group is also that the hours don't get better as you get more senior, the way they tend to in more market focused roles. You will have holidays and weekends that get interrupted and cancelled and it will go on until he leaves transaction work. While DH (market focused role) worked crazy hours and was pulling all nighters at that stage, it had reduced a lot once he got to ED level. These days he's normally home by 7:30 although assisted by a very short commute and he's in the office by 7:30am. By the time we had kids (early 30s) he was mostly around at weekends.

So basically I think we got it slightly easier by being that bit older when we started our family as he was over the hump already and our combined earnings were such that childcare wasn't an issue. Is that an option?

Also, despite having to constantly fend off annoying questions from twats about why I bother working, I'm glad I do because I know if it comes to it I can support me and the dc and still have a very good standard of living.

Try being married to someone in the forces! Away for six/eight months at a time and even when in the UK their job comes first.....for a fraction of the money an investment banker earns! Whilst I cannot compare I can give my top tips for surviving the last 20+ years as a forced wife....find your own path, surround yourself with your own support network and know that if you have kids your going to be doing the lions share....that’s the reality. I couldn’t have managed my career (also demanding) and my kids without a watertight routine (which I’m afraid didn’t include my hubby), my support network (again wasn’t reliant on him) and a stubbornness to make it work. Who knows if we got it right, but the kids have turned out to be a pair of beauts and we’re still together....the times we have struggled have always been linked to poor communication.

Sounds like you have a good mutually respectful relationship which seems a good foundation. I would take it year by year and build your own independent support network. Keep your hand in at work and save every bonus rather than treating it as income.

As a VP he has maybe a 1 in 20 chance of getting to MD level which is where the big money comes in.
Difficult to advise as advice depends on specific roles. Assuming he is NOT in M&A then the higher he gets the better control he has over his life. The most successful family men I worked with ALL had the same two rules - 1) Have the family home somewhere properly commutable and go home every night (Richmond/ Sevenoaks/ M4 corridor). 2) get in at whatever time in the morning that allows you to leave by 6. For one head of trading this meant a 4 am office start every day, for others 6 am at the latest. You need to get up to MD level though to be able to do that.
As others have said, a lot of them turn into entitled prats. And a lot of them are magnets to gold diggers, especially those that do a lot of the after-work socialising. As a VP neither are a risk particularly at the moment. Which is good because he will have to do some of the socialising to get ahead (promotion/success is all about the network).
If he chooses M&A, you are fucked. But very rich.

(I have been in IB myself for 25 years).

Forgot to say, Of all the IBs I know, I reckon less than 10 of them were properly involved family men during their careers - though plenty retire early (40-ish) to do the family thing and start a new career.

There’s a blog about being an investment bankers wife and it implies they never had enough money so I would reiterate what PP have said about saving saving saving. I was married to one. It didn’t last long.

Be aware that there is no guaranteed 'career trajectory. VP is a fairly junior role. There are thousands of VPs. As you go up the ladder there are increasingly fewer jobs per level. The real stress becomes thousands of lowly VPs vying for hundreds of SVP roles then they are working towards even fewer Head/MD rolls. In the meanwhile all the people not making it are resentfully working the huge hours but stuck in rolls where they are constantly at risk of younger and fresher people with fewer responsibilities joining the ranks. That's why IBs keep working stupid hours. To make sure they aren't sidelined out. The vast majority are. Its stops being about 'working for progression' and becomes 'working not to lose your job' very quickly. It's brutal and you are at the very beginning of the journey. If however your DH is good and makes it to the higher ranks, he could earn 7 figures and you will have no financial woes. Unfortunately very few make this. But by the tine they figure that out, they are drained and washed up.

Its all very well saying buy in childcare, cleaning etc but the thing I never appreciated was that the people providing these services require management, go off sick, have children, just leave without much notice (whatever their contract says) so it isn't quite as straightforward as it sounds. When you've got at least one child not at school it's a bit easier as there is a proper childcare role there but, once they're all at school, fewer people are interested and your children have different needs. Au pair is an obvious option but, unless you're on massive salaries already (which you may be) buying a family home in London with space for an au pair and, if family aren't local, another spare room for grandparents etc to stay in is £££££.
It's also important to realise how dull it can be to stay at home. Pre-DC, I'd somehow failed to appreciate just home much basic domestic care work is required and how tedious it is. Even they're older and out of nappies and more independent, someone has to be responsible for producing 3 meals a day and that involves ordering groceries, putting them away, meal prep, eating & clearing up. Then there's the washing (mine do a lot of sport). And just the endless have they got a World Book Day outfit, a present for X's party, where has their gym shield gone. It's so so so dull and I would resent doing most of it - so went running back to work but I am still primarily responsible for it as DH is rarely home before the kids are in bed, if at all.

I am married to a high earner although not a banker. We have lots of friends who are and work quite closely with them professionally. I used to earn the same as DH and having a baby was a big adjustment. DS ended up having autism and I've never gone back to work. I am also DHs second wife. His career well and truly killed his first marriage so this time around he was far more keen to do it differently.

Buy in ALL the help. Realistically your DH won't be able to be relied on to help you and that's the key with a baby and small kids. You need reliable help. If you can afford to live somewhere that could accommodate live-in help but in their own self contained flat - do it! Or get a cleaner lined up along with a postnatal doula and then a nanny. Don't lose yourself. It's so so easy to do.

Keep working at least a little. Us old gimmers have seen enough high earners fuck off into the middle distance once their are kids and live at home isn't all just fun. Plenty burn out too and decide to pack it in. Spend money on help so your marriage doesn't die and you're not standing in the doorway with a screaming baby desperate for a break.

You need other women friends who are in the same position as well. It can be very isolating to realise you really can't complain to those who have no idea what your life is like. It can very easily look like the easiest life going from the outside. You certainly can't post on Mumsnet about it when it all goes tits up!

Having help means managing those people. It means being let down. It not working out.

The key thing will be does he respect your contribution. Does he see it as equal. Or does he see your life as easy and you should just get on with it. Take every opportunity to let him have sole charge of the baby for a whole day so he has at least some sense of what goes on.

Being a facilitating spouse is a very specific type of marriage and you need to go in eyes open.

And wait until you start to get the begging letters from charities. When they’ve earmarked you as a major donor and want you to come to their fundraising dinners and make your contributions.

It's hard. We have 2 small children and it has been really hard since they were born. He is a loving father but does no housework at all, and minimal childcare. When he is at home he thinks he has a god-given right to relax because he has been working hard, whereas I've been at home all week. YY to the previous poster saying they were mopping up baby vomit while he phoned from a bar in Rio.

This is how we have muddled through so far:

• I've kept my career 2 days per week. I realise I'm lucky to be able to do this

• we have a housekeeper 1.5 days per week and a mother's help 2 mornings a week. Both come very early morning so I can get out to work, and they take the kids to nursery, do a bit of housework.

• we don't have a ridiculous mortgage/car loan etc. Our monthly spending is quite high but if the income disappeared we would have a bit of a buffer. About 3 years at current spending rates, and about 4 years if we cut back.

I'm not entirely convinced that it's all worth it. My friends have husbands who are home at 5.20, putting the dinner on, changing the nappies, cleaning the bathroom. DH relishes the ready-made excuse not to have to pull his weight at home.

He's also changed as a person. He's increasingly obsessed with money and success (which he only measures in terms of wealth). He exists in a bubble of egos and wealth and it takes its toll. The sweet, generous, rather naive geek I married has gone (and I miss him).

I don't have a partner in banking, but I did have a father who worked ridiculously long hours and was basically absent from my childhood. My mother brought up my brother and I single handed.

Growing up, I had an unsurprisingly distant relationship with my father - he was rarely around so he didn't really know me as a person and I felt quite awkward around him. Sometimes he'd try for "quality time" with us and we'd do something as a family but it was more like we were playing a part. To me, the family was me, my brother and my mum. When I got to the teenage years, I stopped recognising his authority - who was he to lay down rules or try to have a say in my life?

Now I'm an adult, there has been an awful lot of rewriting history about my childhood - apparently it was great, there was no friction, he was around a lot more than I remembered (in reality he missed fifteen of my first 18 birthdays) and he was an engaged and loving father. But the truth is he missed his kids growing up and although we have a good relationship now, there's no winding the clock back.

I’m not married to an investment banker but over the years ended up tutoring/teaching/generally helping out families where the father worked in IB.
There are some fathers that I never saw at parents’ evenings, speech days, sports days etc and others that were there but always on their phones or arrived late/had to leave early, and a few who were actually present at said events. I can’t imagine the pressure they must’ve been under and how intense their jobs must be...

The mums had varying attitudes but a few were very chatty and open (and I think just relished having another adult around who was happy to help out and could stay an extra half an hour for a chat and a cup of tea). One (who I am still in touch with today) always said to me “Mulberry handbags are nice but they don’t get the baby bathed...or the nappy changed!” when I admired her latest gift or if DH had been on a business trip etc
She acknowledged that she was very much a single parent and ran the household. Even on family holidays DH was often on his phone (I was brought in a couple of times to help out at their second home during the holidays to give the parents a break).

A couple of friends work in IB and have said once you’re on that treadmill it’s very difficult to get off, that they would begrudge any drop in salary, and that you’re always chasing that next promotion.
It could just be my friends and that their experience isn’t an accurate snapshot?! Our working worlds are poles apart!

Based on the above (sorry for rambling!) I would try to find reliable help and encourage DH to find a way to attend the big school events if he can when they arise.

I could go on and elaborate on the things I have seen/heard over the years but 🤐

So I asked about the sort of figures we were talking about but got no response...so if you're in the super yacht leagues then this might not be relevant but here are the things that have helped our marriage:

• buy in support: laundry gets sent out; housekeeper comes in daily; great quality reliable childcare (when it was needed)

• surround yourself by people in same situation. It shrinks your social circle (although to be fair not by a great deal if your DC are in fee paying school)

• one good properly relaxing holiday a year. You can of course do other weeks/weekends away but I need 10 days doing absolutely nothing!

• keep working. DH has a professional job but earns a fraction of what I do and whilst his salary wouldn't pay the mortgage it is hugely reassuring to know that I'm not responsible for everything.

• save save save!

The OP (&half the posterson here) needs to understand that the pay in IB can vary enormously. One person can earn enough to afford yearly expenses like private school fees, housekeepers, nannies and gardeners that total anywhere from £75k - £100k POST tax along with £40k holidays and flying first class and others can afford a cleaner a couple of mornings and an aupair and a week in a naice hotel in Portugal.

@talktoo that's why I was trying to establish the sort of salaries we were talking about here.

There's not much point posters recommending housekeepers and nannies if your DH is earning 200k. On the other hand if your DH is earning enough to buy a super yacht I've probably not got much relevant advice for you