Are you married to an investment banker?

[LoveMarigold]

If so I'd love to hear some wisdom from you. (NC as some people know my username on here).

I married an investment banker (VP in a well known top city investment bank) last year and we are trying for a family. All great and lovely atm.

I am extremely alert to the oft cited reasons why some couples' marriages crack or fail- childcare, no time for each other, uneven distribution of chores, no time away from parenting, long working hours etc, the list goes on.

We are keen to put things in place and be alert to these risks, and manage things as best we can under our specific circumstances. Obviously the massive pro is his high salary which should increase, and I am extremely grateful and aware how lucky we are. The cons are the hours, and lack of time together.

For context I earn a good (normal) salary and teach in an adult education college 3 days pw and do 1-1 tutoring from home the other two days.

If you've been married to a city banker at this level you will know the very specific culture of long hours and possible impact on weekends, holidays etc. At the moment he works until about 10-11pm on an average day, with the occasional early finish, and occasional manic few days of all hours when a project is finishing. We have obviously spoken about our future but I would love to hear other opinions.

Wives / husbands of investment bankers- What advice if any would you have in hindsight to a newly married couple starting out and hoping to start a family and stay in love / strong in our marriage?

You need to be happy in your own company and have your own network and be quite independent. Our marriage survived 8 years of the most brutal investment bank, But he knew when he took the job they would want his blood and they did. But, I barely saw him and in the end he was done with it and moved to another bank where the work life balance is a bit better

It does not have to be that way I pushed back on the "work hard, play hard" culture, stopped going out in client jollies and "black book" expensing.

There are many "family men" who push back, and you know they have better relationships and more real ones with the clients and do better, because they are less tired (less hungover) and made better decisions and gained more respect.

It's not a boiler room in the city, it doesn't have to be the boys own. It's about making money for the clients and the institution, how it's achieved doesn't matter, the bottom line, or book of business does.

Me and my dh are both ibankers and I think /worry about all the things you mentioned above too. As it is he already expects me to cook/do majority of the household chores/ dog care (his mother never worked and was always a stay a time Home Mum) and my mind projects this into no support if we have a child :( I think if you two can agree a plan and how to share the work it sounds like you are already most of the way to successful coparenting! I’m envious!

Some of my other friends moved from IB into hedge funds/pe/corporate and the hours are a lot better so it doesn’t have to be this bad ( time wise) forever. Also, at director level it gets loads better ( this is my personal experience ) as vps are still ‘junior’

IMO lots of investment bankers develop a huge sense of entitlement, it can turn people into real selfish arseholes

This applies to many companies where the pay is excessive as their egos swell and they start to believe they are worth £x a year. If he had a good childhood,has long term friends (who are earning average salaries) and knows when someone is being superficial then he may stay grounded.

he already expects me to cook/do majority of the household chores/ dog care (his mother never worked and was always a stay a time Home Mum) and my mind projects this into no support if we have a child sad I think

@KissKiss I think you are 100% right to assume your husband will expect all childcare to fall to you. He already treats you like staff.

He is showing you very clearly that domestic tasks are "woman's work". It's highly unlikely he'll have an epiphany when it comes to childcare.

Are you happy with that?

I wonder what the highest pay on this thread is. I think people outside of financial services would be shocked that people earn £2.6m a year

namechangetiask2019 since you have name changed can I ask what your DH earns?

As a corporate lawyer I was going to give my two pence but occurred to me that your salaries might be in a different planet

It's quite a rare type, imo, who can tolerate their partner always being at work, no matter how much they earn. There are thousands of threads on here from unhappy spouses of workaholics.

In some ways it would be more interesting to ask the children of people who had one or two parents never at home. What memories do they have of their childhood? Would you want to replicate that?

A VP is quite an average position in an IB, it's an American term for middle management a junior broker or trader will make more. A divisional director, principle of senior us where the big bucks are. it's actually nothing special at all, go into LinkedIn jobs and look for VP of.. at JP Morgan, it's rather average salary for Financial Services.

A VP is quite an average position in an IB, it's an American term for middle management a junior broker or trader will make more. A divisional director, principle of senior us where the big bucks are. it's actually nothing special at all, go into LinkedIn jobs and look for VP of.. at JP Morgan, it's rather average salary for Financial Services.

Yes this is true. But what does that have to do with the OP’s post?

She’s not asking for clarification on her DH’s position at work. She’s asking if long hours are inevitable in the long term and what the potential pitfalls are if and when they have children.

Both my husband and I are in the "City". All I can add is communication is key. There is a fine balance between nagging v making sure things don't fester and build resentment. I am the one that works longer hours and my husband picks up the slack without complaint and I know I'm incredibly lucky. I also agree with previous posters re buying in help, particularly if you can afford it and it improves your quality of lives.

I worked for one for a while.
All the managers above my level were divorced.
It's a very tough life.

All the managers above my level were divorced.

I was one of those wives

Sounds a bit grim to be honest.
I mean, money is nice.
But is it really worth it.
My friend is married to one of these, and she is an alcoholic
He is fucking his secretary

It’s just a fucking walking cliche

But they have a nice house, a yacht, expensive schooling, a ski chalet.

Since when was a ski chalet worth killing yourself for

A VP is quite an average position in an IB, it's an American term for middle management a junior broker or trader will make more. A divisional director, principle of senior us where the big bucks are. it's actually nothing special at all, go into LinkedIn jobs and look for VP of.. at JP Morgan, it's rather average salary for Financial Services.

Not sure how this is relevant? I am well aware of the career pathway & job titles in IB- my husband works in one. He's been there for 4 years and is at the expected level for this timeframe.

High earning & absent DH here. If you choose to live this life I agree with pp:-

• buy in all the help you need, especially childcare in the evenings so you can maintain a social life yourself

• learn to be independent and not depend on him for help with the kids,

• keep your job part time if you can, it helps stop your role becoming being his PA, and

• buy what you want, there has to be some compensation for the compromises.

It gets easier as the kids get older though.

TBF although I also picked up (and commented) on this post too, I think the point @yurtsarefirpropke was making is that your DH is not going to be on the kind of salary that can afford you endless help at this stage in his career.

Sorry to hear that unexpected
I left as I wanted to stay married.

It's so easy to get sucked in to spending so much money, because you are not actually present in your own life, so you need to subcontract everything.

Save save save and have an exit plan

Don’t you want to hear from mother’s who are investment bankers?

My iPhone inserted that apostrophe. Question still stands.

Thanks Howzaboutya. It was a long time ago and like the OP my boyfriend was made VP in his mid 20s and climbed the ranks rapidly within a few years.

Ironically (as some other PP have pointed out), once he was in a very senior role he actually had more free time. But by then the rot had set in as our roles within the family was firmly established and we were older and more set in our ways. And even with more flexibility at work, he was still working 50 hours plus a week.

He was - and is - a good man. But it’s not the kind of life partnership I ever want to have again.

I couldn't heck it! wisely decided to quit before having DC. But if you have a proper support system and you are not a romantic type nor someone who needs emotional support (let's face it, there won't be much attention to your emotional or sexual needs), it may work.
You need to be strong, self-reliant, a great organiser.

It is true though, that many/most men who start in this job young, do drop out and with the useful experience moves eslsewhere more relaxed, so there's always hope! .