Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a relationship for no valid reason

87 replies

Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 17:51

So I have decided today to put an end to my 6 month relationship. We haven't been together long but he completely adores and loves me. (He tells me all the time) I sound horrible but I just don't feel the same.
He's kind and generous and loving. However he can be very needy. I like my space and am a busy single mum so some nights I just want to be on my own but he'll always messsge saying how much he misses me and nags to come over. I've discussed this with him and he says he'll stop but never does. He doesn't really have any friends and says I'm all he needs. Whereas I'm very sociable with a large group of mates.
Basically what I'm asking is has anyone ended a relationship with someone who hadn't actually done anything wrong or hurt you. You just weren't feeling it. I just know it's going to hurt him and he's going to get emotional. I feel like such a bitch

OP posts:
HappyLife21 · 05/03/2019 17:58

I don’t get it, he’s done loads wrong Confused

You’ve given a very valid reason and you’ve given him change to sort it and he hasn’t. Just say you’re clearly looking for different things from a relationship and want to end it. If he tries to change your mind he is basically disrespecting you.

You are allowed to end it for any reason you like, and not wanting to go out with someone is a very valid reason.

HappyLife21 · 05/03/2019 17:59

And in answer to your question, yes I have. It wasn’t nice, but better than stringing someone along.

FetchezLaVache · 05/03/2019 18:00

Not done anything wrong? Yes he has, he's repeatedly ignored your boundaries.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:01

Thanks for replying. I just feel I need a cast iron excuse instead of just "I don't want to be with you" I was in an abusive marriage for a long time so I'm confused how I feel this way about someone who's never hurt or intentionally upset me. He's really not a bad person but is just so keen it's offputting

OP posts:
tattooq · 05/03/2019 18:02

6 months you've been seeing him and he is pushing to come over every night? That would ring alarm bells for me

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:03

I've tried to end it before but he got so upset I bottled it. I feel I owe it to him to tell him face to face but I'm dreading the reaction. Can't stand the thought of hurting someone who has been so supportive and kind to me

OP posts:
Arowana · 05/03/2019 18:04

You're just not that into him. It's a shame but you don't need any more of a reason than that! Don't feel guilty, OP. You're just being honest and true to yourself.

Now100 · 05/03/2019 18:04

You are being too much of a people pleaser. The relationship has to work for both of you. It clearly isn't working for you, so you are more than reasonable to dump him.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:05

@tattooq it did for me to. I explained that to him. He said it was because he loved me so much and that he'd stop. When he didn't I tried to end it but I bottled it and still nothings changed. Which is why tonight I need to stick to my guns. I don't want to string him along and force myself to have feelings that I just don't have

OP posts:
TheFaerieQueene · 05/03/2019 18:07

He sounds like a creep with boundary issues. You don’t need an excuse, just that you want to end it!

ATowelAndAPotato · 05/03/2019 18:11

I think you’ve been clear about what you want (and don’t want) and if he can’t stick to that, it’s a perfectly valid reason.

The fact that you’ve tried to end the relationship before, and instead of being upset but respecting your decision; he emotionally manipulated you into continuing... speaks volumes!!

Deep breath, arrange to meet somewhere in public, tell him it’s over and go before the crocodile tears start. If he keeps hassling you after, block his number/Facebook/whatever.

DuchessOfPhysics · 05/03/2019 18:12

Oh my goodness, the fact that you were in an abusive relationship once already and are now finding it hard to end this relationship shows that you need to believe more in your own right to have a boundary.

You have told him you need your space. And you recognise that he hasn't respected that message. That's good. So far so good. SO you do have a boundary but you need to erect that boundary higher by NOT doubting your right to end the relationship.

You can if you're struggling for words say that it's not working for you. You're not happy. It's not right, you're not on the same page.

You don't need ANY reason at all but the fact that you believe you need a ''valid'' reason to end the relationship will be the precise chink in your armour that he is capitalising on.

DuchessOfPhysics · 05/03/2019 18:15

I can imagine how hard you will find this conversation.

You could say ''I want to be on my own now''. That cannot be argued with. This 'type' who has capitalised on your low boundary to meet his needs/neediness will probably get in to a big fucking DEBATE with you.

If he does try to do that tell him that ''I could talk about it all day but it wouldn't be fair to you because the bottom line is that I want to be on my own now''

Or ''I am not feeling it anymore''

If he puts pressure on you to give him your private thoughts he's not a nice man at all.

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 18:15

Please do something like the Freedom Programme before dating again. The bloke sounds like a PITA, at best!

Loopytiles · 05/03/2019 18:16

Also suggest no contact post break up.

TowelNumber42 · 05/03/2019 18:17

You are putting far more weight on his feelings than on your own.

If you are to have a good outcome tonight you have to have a plan for tonight. That plan must involve telling him in clear simple words that you don't want to keep seeing him, then leaving immediately. It is an announcement not a negotiation.

What's your plan?

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:17

A public place does sound like a good idea. He has a few bits here that I'll take as previously when I've said no to him coming round he all of a sudden needs to pick up his spare charger he's left here or something like that (I know I know, warning signs) then convinces me to let him stay once he gets here.
Writing it down it all seems so obvious but hard to see when in it at the time

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:19

Will definitely suggest nc after tonight because I know once he leaves he'll be messaging me.
I don't really have a plan but thanks to pp suggestion I'm thinking of suggesting we meet at a coffee shop to talk. Don't think it'll be wise to invite him to my house

OP posts:
Fromage · 05/03/2019 18:19

You have very valid reasons for ending it. He's needy, he nags you, he ignored your request to tone it down a bit and hasn't listened to your reasoning.

That's a no brainer. It doesn't matter if he "gets emotional" - that's his business. How he might react, whether or not he cries, begs or whines, is out of your control and absolutely not your responsibility. You're not accountable for his feelings either, that's his business.

You've been together 6 months, it's not working for you, so long, farewell. Doesn't matter if he cries, you're not to blame for his upset, you're not ending it to hurt him, you're ending it to make YOU happy - and what more valid a reason than that?

Asta19 · 05/03/2019 18:20

Not done anything wrong? Yes he has, he's repeatedly ignored your boundaries

^^ This
The way he is acting is not a good sign. I dated someone like this. He lived a good hour from me. One night me and my DD were watching a film so I didn't look at my phone all evening. Suddenly he's there on the doorstep! Saying he was worried when he couldn't get hold of me!

I knew then that I had to end it, it was all too much. He then sent me a photo of him with his mouth gaping open full of tablets and a bottle of whiskey in his hand! All that did was confirm to me that I did the right thing.

Someone having no life of their own is a huge red flag.

TowelNumber42 · 05/03/2019 18:20

Any pressure to make you stay with him because he wants, he needs, he sad, should make you doubly certain that he needs dumping not keeping.

Mostly you should make sure you don't hear his pleadings either in person or through devices. Cut all contact to make it easier for you both. False hope for him would be mean.

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 18:21

You do not need 'a valid reason' to end a relationship and he's given you more than enough. He has NO respect for your boundaries and you don't have good ones because you need to stop dating and do the Freedom Programme and work on your self-esteem for a while before dating at all again. He's controlling.

You do NOT owe him face-to-face, either. You just don't. You owe him nothing.

You just text or message him: 'This relationship is NOT working for me anymore and I am ENDING it. This is not up for discussion or negotiating. It is over. Do not contact me any further because I am not available to discuss this. The relationship is finished. Goodbye.'

NO apologies or justifications or explanations. You just have to stop. Because he is love bombing and that is a red flag.

sheldonstwin · 05/03/2019 18:22

Do you think he might be 'lovebombing' you, and hoping to move in so that he has a nice roof over his head?
I agree with the others - he is not respecting your boundaries and trying to get you to do things you don't want to do.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:23

@Asta19 how awful! I will be telling him that I will be going nc and blocking him. Not to be nasty but it's the best way of getting through it. He won't like that but like pp have said I need to put myself first.
Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate some fresh eyes on the situation

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 18:26

He has a good job and owns his own house so I don't think he's looking for a roof over his head. But you maybe right about the lovebombing. Do men that do this come across as utterly convincing?
I will certainly not be dating for a while. You're right I need to work on my self esteem first

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread