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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ending a relationship for no valid reason

87 replies

Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 17:51

So I have decided today to put an end to my 6 month relationship. We haven't been together long but he completely adores and loves me. (He tells me all the time) I sound horrible but I just don't feel the same.
He's kind and generous and loving. However he can be very needy. I like my space and am a busy single mum so some nights I just want to be on my own but he'll always messsge saying how much he misses me and nags to come over. I've discussed this with him and he says he'll stop but never does. He doesn't really have any friends and says I'm all he needs. Whereas I'm very sociable with a large group of mates.
Basically what I'm asking is has anyone ended a relationship with someone who hadn't actually done anything wrong or hurt you. You just weren't feeling it. I just know it's going to hurt him and he's going to get emotional. I feel like such a bitch

OP posts:
ALargeGinPlease · 05/03/2019 19:26

Good luck Thanks

itsapoonameagain · 05/03/2019 19:27

Good luck Thanks

oldowlgirl · 05/03/2019 19:28

Good luck Op - FWIW, I agree with the others that he's massively crossed boundaries.

thenextsmallthing · 05/03/2019 19:28

Hope it goes well OP Thanks

Prusik · 05/03/2019 19:44

Good luck op!

SparklyMagpie · 05/03/2019 19:57

Good luck OP!

miranda1511 · 05/03/2019 20:20

Be strong, been in this situation too x

SeaweedDress · 05/03/2019 20:24

Stay strong, OP. The vipers are behind you.

Belle89 · 05/03/2019 20:47

Good luck xx

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/03/2019 20:51

Anyone who doesn’t respect your boundaries doesn’t deserve your time.

You’re doing the right thing. Stand firm, keep it clear and brief and good luck x

madcatladyforever · 05/03/2019 20:51

If you're not feeling that he is the one for you and are luke warm about him then end it. You are not obliged to keep it going because you feel bad.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 21:13

I'm home now. Went as predicted at first. Tears and promises about he'll change and how I'm his world etc.
I admit I wavered so I took myself off to the ladies where I took some deep breaths and reminded myself why I was doing this.
It's not in my nature to be harsh or rude so I just told him reasons clearly and said I'd made my decision.
Then another side I'd suspected but never seen emerged. He accused me of having an "episode" (I have a mental health disorder) and it wasn't really what I wanted. I put my anger at the comment aside and just said again that no it wasn't that I just don't want to be with him anymore.
Then he turned a bit nasty and said well good luck finding a nice guy like me again. Who else would want some crazy woman like you with all your baggage (referring to my illness and being divorced with 2 kids at the age of 32) if he thought that would change my mind then he was very wrong. Just confirmed I was doing the 7right thing. I didn't react just got up said it's over and I will not contact you and will block you when I get home. Bye

OP posts:
PrestonsFlowers · 05/03/2019 21:17

Well done and good for you Passmeagin
Looks like you really did dodge a bullet there. What a nasty fucker, you're best off out of it. His attitude is shit, and good on you for sticking to your word.
💐💐

ALargeGinPlease · 05/03/2019 21:18

Well done, sounds like you had a lucky escape there.
This whole experience will make you stronger now. You recognised your boundaries were not being respected and you acted decisively. Onward and upward op.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 21:18

I can't lie and say it was easy. I was shaking when I got in the car. Having a large glass of wine now. But only the one as have work early

OP posts:
katmarie · 05/03/2019 21:19

You definitely dodged a bullet. Well done for spotting that he wasn't right, and binning him off. That's a really good place to start building your self back up :)

PiebaldHamster · 05/03/2019 21:19

Well done, Pass!! PLEASE, PLEASE do yourself a huge favour and do not date again, take yourself off apps and sites, until you have done the Freedom Programme at the least. This man's actions and reactions were very predictable to anyone who's been in an emotionally abusive relationship. This person is just another type of abuser and it's very common for women who leave one abusive relationship to take up with a different form of abuser if they don't have some treatment afterwards.

What he did was love bomb you, then neg you when you didn't do what he wanted. This is a very common form of emotional abuse.

PLEASE block this guy.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 21:20

And thank you everyone. I admit I didn't see (ignored) the red flags but he definitely showed tonight that all of you and my gut was completely spot on x

OP posts:
Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 21:21

@PiebaldHamster dont worry he is already blocked. And I for sure won't be dating again for a long time. I thought I was ready and would be able to spot the signs but I obviously need a lot more time

OP posts:
TwistinMyMelon · 05/03/2019 21:23

It is ok just not to like someone. Someone does not have to abuse you to deserve getting dumped. If you wanted to be with him you would. But you don't. That's fine.

It is a shit state of affairs when a woman feels she is obliged to stay with someone she doesn't love or fancy just because they are not causing her physical or mental harm. But sadly a sign of what the world is like.

In any case if it helps he sounds like he has a few red flags a waving there anyway.

InsomniaTho · 05/03/2019 21:24

OP - my first relationship after a long time single due to abusive ExH ended like this, after about 4 months.

31/3DC/MH issues too.

Stayed single even longer after that.

I’m now in a relationship with an amazing guy who understands that I’m busy, (I’m an Undergrad in STEM) don’t have much free time, appreciates the time I do have, when he’s here he does things to make my day to day life easier, is incredibly supportive and is an actual all round nice guy. Hang in there.

Dontcarewhatimdoing · 05/03/2019 21:26

Well done you. It sounds like you dodged a massive bullet there! For future reference, it is perfectly OK to end any relationship if it is not working for you, just because someone is a nice person doesn't mean they are right for you.

Original poster
Passmeagin · 05/03/2019 21:28

@InsomniaTho I'm sorry to hear you've been in a similar position. It's really hard even without the MH issues. I'm so pleased to hear things have turned around for you. It gives me hope that one day I'll meet someone good. Not for a good while mind. Going to focus on my kids job and degree. They all come first

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 05/03/2019 21:33

Well done you are well rid - awful he turned nasty but some men do. Good for you Flowers

TheFloofyOne · 05/03/2019 21:47

He sounds a bit like the boyfriend I broke up with when I was 19. Complete love bombing.

Would complain when I went out with friends so I started only going out with him. Tried to break up with him but he cried so agreed to give it another chance. Went fine for a while, then he started to tell me I was too opinionated if I disagreed with him, started turning up at my door on weekend nights when we hadn’t arranged to see each other (and he had driven 3 hours as we lived 180 miles apart).

During sex, I realised he’d taken the condom off. I went on the pill and he told me it made me very moody so I agreed to come off it. Shortly after, a condom mysteriously split, and he tried to put me off getting the morning after pill. I did anyway. He sulked.

I tried breaking up with him for a final time. He rang my dad to say I was behaving strangely, and he was worried about me Hmm
Luckily, my dad told him to fuck off.

Ex rang me a while later to say he was suicidal without me and would do something stupid if he couldn’t speak to me. I blocked him.

He had a new girlfriend a week later, and she was pregnant within 3 months.