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Original poster

AIBU to be gutted about end of FWB

83 replies

musicalfruit123 · 05/03/2019 17:49

I’ll try not drag this out too long. FWB for around 4 years !! (On and off but tended to happen on average once every 2-3 months). Myself and the friend are close outside of sexual encounters and meet most weeks for coffee lunch etc. This is where I will get flamed...years back I was infatuated with this guy, but he made it clear he just wanted to be friends, I accepted and moved on emotionally but not completely. He started seeing someone 2 years ago and I said I wasn’t comfortable continuing to see him, however we have continued... This weekend he met me for a ‘one last time’ session and I’m gutted. And annoyed at myself for being such a dick. He has totally minimised it all when I expressed I was feeling a bit sad about it and told me ‘it’s not like we were doing it all the time’... So AIBU? Or have I got what I deserved? (Please don’t be too mean mumsnetters)

OP posts:
Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:16

Bump?
Anyone else been in a similar position? How did you move on and did you still stay friends? I feel like I can’t talk or see him right now, it’s all too painful, and yet, seemingly he has no idea how I feel :/

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 17:19

Firstly you should not have a fwb when you have feelings. It can work out. It did for me. I now live with my dp who was a fwb arrangement.

However it can end in disaster. Especially when you know they are seeing someone who isn't aware of the situation.

Yep, I am afraid you set yourself up for this upset. All you can do is be a bit sad for bit, then pick yourself up, learn from it and dont do fwb again, if you cant keep feelings out of it and dont be the other woman

Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:25

Yep, I get that. I knew what was going to happen. I feel that it’s pretty much impossible not to feel emotionally attached when seeing someone for such a length of time... I’m not sure whether to be honest with him about where I’m at. He clearly doesn’t feel the same way.

OP posts:
Takeapolaroid · 06/03/2019 17:27

Who decided it was a one last time session?

Definitely do not stay friends. You know it will lead to more or that is what you want.

HappyLife21 · 06/03/2019 17:29

Surely it wasn’t a FWB, it was an affair?

Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:32

He decided he wanted it to be one last time. He is planning on moving in with his GF and so says he wants to commit Hmm . He usually makes a point of not being too affectionate with me but our last time together was ridiculously loving and emotional. Feel like it’s such a headfuck. Aside from sex we are friends anyway , so I feel like that could continue. it really hurts, and he thinks I’m ok with it all...I’m not. I feel like I’ve wasted 4 years of my life.

OP posts:
Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:33

Happylife- yes ashamedly I think it was an affair. We were seeing each other years before he was with her and just didn’t stop. He wouldn’t see it that way though, he thinks we were just friends having fun.

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 17:34

Why be honest?

He isn't interested. He wont leave her and go with you if he wanted that he would have done it.

You are just setting yourself up for rejection.

Being fond of a fwb is fine. It which case you would be a bit sad it was done, but happy for him.

The fact you kept shagging him while he was with another women, making you the other woman says you were too involved. I mean come on he was shagging you, telling you he didn't want to be in a relationship with you, but did with her.

What did you expect?

Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 17:37

No friends cant continue.

How is it wasting 4 years. You knew it wouldn't go anywhere so where did you waste 4 years?

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 06/03/2019 17:39

He has used you. You were never good enough for him as he hasn't chosen to be with you but is now in a relationship with someone else. You're good enough for a shag but not worth being with for a serious long term relationship. Put this down to experience and try to move on.

Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:41

@freckles- everything you say is right. There isn’t any point... I just don’t get why he can act so cold with me and trivialise it all after so long. I never expected him to leave her for me, but it seemed quite clear that there was something special that we had. I get this sounds pathetic, I am feeling rejected and that although he wanted to keep coming back for sex , that’s all I was good enough for.

OP posts:
Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 17:43

Because hevwqsnt emotionally invested in it, past being friends.

That's all he wanted. It's not about you being good enough. He just didn't want to be in a relationship with you. That doesnt mean there is something wrong. I know plenty of people I care about and are great, occasionally I have fancied them....but I wouldn't be in a relationship with them

Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:47

Yep that’s true, I understand that. I wonder if he really has no clue that I was more emotionally invested...

OP posts:
Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 17:51

Feel that I’ve wasted 4 years because what have I got to show for it? It’s not like he even acknowledges what’s gone on and wants to carry on as if nothing has ever happened. I stupidly have held myself back in other relationships because of him, sadly I think I would have carried on this arrangement for years if he hadn’t had put an end to it. It’s been shit for my self esteem.

OP posts:
NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 06/03/2019 18:00

I think you dodged a bullet there. His poor gf. I don't think it will be possible to be friends after this

Takeapolaroid · 06/03/2019 18:03

I think it was a bad idea to do the one last time shag.

Frecklesonmyarm · 06/03/2019 18:23

But he always told you it wouldn't lead anywhere. You were happy to continue. You passed other opportunities. So where is the waste.

If it's a waste it because you always thought it would go somewhere. Despite his girlfriend and him telling you it wont.

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 06/03/2019 18:24

But that's the whole idea of friends with benefits. It's meant to be casual sex with no strings but as soon as one of you develops feelings, in this case you, it's never going to work. He was never your friend, either. You don't have sex with your friends.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 18:25

He sounds really horrible. This woman doesn't know about you, does she? So he's spinning her a story and carrying on with you at the same time.

Why would you stay friends with a man as horrible as this?

Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 18:26

Why do you think you don’t have sex with friends @chocolate?

OP posts:
Original poster
musicalfruit123 · 06/03/2019 18:28

@hollowtalk - I don’t think I’m the only one either. I know he sounds horrible, but I was in love with him and my blinkers are still up somewhat.

OP posts:
WallisFrizz · 06/03/2019 18:30

He doesn’t even sound like a very good friend if he’s not concerned about you feel (and I’m guessing he knew exactly the strength of your feelings).

You need closure and the friendship needs to end. It will be hard but worth it in the long run.

HollowTalk · 06/03/2019 18:31

Ugh, that poor woman. She must be all excited about moving in with him and has no idea what he's been up to. There's no way he'll stop this, either - he's been seeing her for two years and shagging around regularly. He won't give that up. Just make sure you don't have him back - your self-respect will be on the floor.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 06/03/2019 18:31

Perhaps he did know of your emotional investment in him, OP? But, he didn't care enough about you or have emotional investment in you to stop doing what he wanted to do.

Why was HE the one to make all the decisions anyway?

Sounds more like infatuation (on your part) than friendship to me. Friendship is mostly balanced, this 'thing' was completely skewed in his favour where he could just click his fingers and off you went.

I think you've dressed it up in your head that you were friends to make it more palatable for you but, sorry to say, friends do not behave like this, like he has.

Cry a bit, dust yourself off - and delete ad block him. There is no friendship here, possibly never was but one thing is clear - there will no longer be friendship in any form. Possible role for an 'OW' though if your self-esteem is really on the floor.

I'm sorry for you, this isn't a nice situation but it's the situation that you're in so the only thing you can do is deal with it so as not to cause yourself more long-term hurt. Tell yourself that you will never be a charity case for 'crumbs' of a relationship ever again.

I'm sory. It hurts.

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 06/03/2019 18:33

He doesn't sound like much of a loss.

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