AIBU to be gutted about end of FWB

[musicalfruit123]

I’ll try not drag this out too long. FWB for around 4 years !! (On and off but tended to happen on average once every 2-3 months). Myself and the friend are close outside of sexual encounters and meet most weeks for coffee lunch etc. This is where I will get flamed...years back I was infatuated with this guy, but he made it clear he just wanted to be friends, I accepted and moved on emotionally but not completely. He started seeing someone 2 years ago and I said I wasn’t comfortable continuing to see him, however we have continued... This weekend he met me for a ‘one last time’ session and I’m gutted. And annoyed at myself for being such a dick. He has totally minimised it all when I expressed I was feeling a bit sad about it and told me ‘it’s not like we were doing it all the time’... So AIBU? Or have I got what I deserved? (Please don’t be too mean mumsnetters)

you will never get over him unless you cut him out of your life completely

I don't understand fwb. In theory I do, but can imagine this happens all the time. I had a fwb once for short term. I didn't get hurt and didn't have feelings for him but I had thoughts like @Chocolatecoffeeaddict said for a long time after and still do ina cumulative way. Still feel like nobody thinks I'm good enough though I married a shit. I wouldn't do it again. Doesn't suit me.

It sounds like an affair rather than friends with benefits. He sounds like a complete tosser to be honest who has been playing you both along for years.
I would cut him out and think yourself lucky that you’re not his poor girlfriend.

Also if you’re close and are friends do you know his girlfriend? As I would expect that if you’re close you’d know his girlfriend otherwise how close are you really? And if you do is this fair to her to carry on a friendship on top of sleeping with her boyfriend for 2 years. God knows how he’s managed this for 2 years

Thank you all. It’s the wake up call I need to hear. I know I don’t deserve sympathy but it fucking hurts. In his words he wanted ‘one last time then go back to just being ace friends’. He spins this idea that we’re friends too... and he has been at times, I probably share more with him than most people in my life I.e. problems, life’s ups and downs. And he always listens and asks how I’m doing. He shares his stuff with me too. Foolishly this somewhere in the back of my head must have given me some false hope. I think FWB can only work if you’re actually not friends at all!

@user - until recently his gf lived in another city, so was easier I guess... I have met her a few times, she’s lovely...makes me feel like an utter shitbag

It stopped being friends with benefits when you started to fall for him and when he started a relationship with someone who wasn't aware of your arrangement.

Ghost him completely otherwise you will get drawn back into it time and time again. Ask yourself why it was good enough for you- I suspect you wanted more and actually the arrangement didn't really work you were just hoping he would finally realise that you were the one.

Work on yourself and stay clear of him.

He's just a massive dickhead OP and you are better off without him. Do you really want to be with someone who clearly has so little care for both you and his girlfriend? He has been playing you both. I personally think you should tell the girlfriend before she entangles her finances with him.

I made the mistake of a FWB realtionship. I wasted 6 years plus!! I fell in love with him, i also feel ive wasted years. You see other people who like a pp end up together. I was always hoping for that, everytime we met up i always thought "maybe this time is the turning point" It never was.
I feel ashamed that i got myself in such a fucking pickle, i feel my friends will judge me. I feel a mug to this day. I darent speak about it to anyone because really its a hell of a mess and i dont feel it was "normal".
Even writing this out i feel people will judge and agree im a mug Its hard to get over, i wish i had actual advice for you to help you. But if i did, id be over it myself

((Hug))

What you call it doesn’t matter, all that matters right now is that you’re hurting and you need to get through this.

The bottom line is, that no matter what he thinks you feel or want isn’t important because for whatever reason he doesn’t want to be in a proper relationship with you or he would have been. TRY to see that it doesn’t mean you’re ‘less’ than his GF in any way, just different. I adore lots of my male friends, some I’ve had sex with, some I haven’t, but they’re not right for me in a relationship. That’s not to say they’re not amazing men who I love, they are, we just aren’t compatible to live together.

I’m not going to slate him because presumably he thought you understood it was FWB and one day would end when one of wanted to make a commitment to someone else. He’s been a SHIT to his GF though.

IF his relationship doesn’t work out, do NOT go back to FWB with him, because you want more and he doesn’t. It’s a recipe for heartache.

I know you feels so very awful right now, but you will get through this. Hold onto the fact that no matter how bad it is, you will feel better in a while. Hard to believe, but true.

Thank you all so much for your kindness. It’s helping me to cry which I’ve been too numbed out to do so far.

@gingerbiscuits- I can relate so much! Have stayed up til 3 in the morning crying my eyes out to my girlfriends so many times over the years because of him...but I just can’t do that any more, it’s too embarrassing. I feel that they’d be like ‘as if you’re still fucking him?? Haven’t you learnt?’ 🤦‍♀️

You really do need to cut him out of your life completely to get over this. Block him on everything. Don’t keep talking to him - it’s a form of self harm.

Gingerbiscuitss - how did you finally end it? Do you still speak to him now?

How old are you? This all sounds a bit drama llama tbh

Ginger I’m so sorry you’re hurting too. Anyone judging can just fuck of really 🤷🏻‍♀️ No matter how ‘perfect’ their lives might seem, they’re not. I think it’s sad that you’ve waited 6 years for him to realise you’re ‘the one’, it is a shame as other opportunities will have passed you by, but in turn, everything we do makes us ‘us’. All we can do is TRY to understand & learn from our behaviour and not put ourselves in the same position again.

Be KIND to yourself 🌷

Fuckedoffat48b

Jog on

@fuckedoff - I’m 30 and he’s 43. I’ve only ever been in abusive relationships. Hope that helps.

The last time i seen him was last year. I "tried" to get over him by dating other people, but when that went tits up i messaged him I need to get over him first before moving on with other people. I realise now i want and need time for myself. My heads fucked and as much as id go right now and meet him, i cant.
He doesnt care about me, he is only interested in sex and if he really liked me i wouldnt be writing this! We will both cut contact, then he'll ring me on unknown then the circle starts again. I get my own hopes up, then upset myself. I honestly sometimes think im going crazy!!

I have also ruined the chances of other realtionships because of him. I turned them down because id rather meet him!

Incredibly I will not be doing it again thats for sure! I have learnt from it though. Im only happy a little while with him, but the aftermath is a bad come down, and really not worth the "15 minutes" of happiness!

ashamedly I think it was an affair
Of course it was
You had repeated sex with a man in a relationship behind her back. I hope to god you were using contraception.

Honestly I think she deserves to know what he is

Ginger - sounds so difficult! And familiar...he still tries to reel you back in then. My FWB always seems to suddenly get interested when I mention about seeing someone else... I really hope you can move on from it and start to feel better. Does he know how you feel?

When it fucks up with his girlfriend he will try and come back to you. Dont make the mistake i did and drag it out for far to many years! Let yourself cry, i always feel better after a good cry!

He does know, he did say he "loved" me at one point but that just fucked with my head more. I think im on the way to feeling better and accepting i need to get over it!

Thanks Ginger - I’m going to try my hardest not to, it just has to end.
It’s good that you’re feeling like you’re getting somewhere with it, 6 years is a big investment though and so of course it will take time.
He’s told me he loves me too, but only when it’s been in a sexual context.

People are always so disparaging of FWBs on here. I've had 3 and they were great!! One, I'm still really good friends with - he's one of my closest friends. The other, I remained friends with for a couple of years after the sex ended but he went a bit weird and cut contact with me and a lot of other friends too from what I gather and the other was more of a fuck buddy anyway.

I don't agree with the whole "it's disrespectful, you were good enough to shag but not for a relationship" rhetoric. My friend and I are great friends. Our friendship pre-dated the FWB arrangement by about 2 years. The benefits lasted for 2-3 years on and off and we've been friends without benefits for the past 2.

We are almost inseperable. I have a boyfriend now and there is no acknowledgement between my friend and me that anything else ever took place. I love him to bits - as a friend - but we would have been completely incompatible 'together'. And I would have been horrified if I found out he'd developed feelings for me.

I have never experienced any of the emotional turmoil you describe about this man. I agree that you need to block him and move on. Your feelings are too strong/confused for a friendship to exist. The best you can hope for is to keep a connection so that you don't feel you've lost him completely. But he's not yours in any sense of the word.

Yes, it sounds more like an affair.

Painful now, but you'll gain a lot from this if you allow yourself to grieve and process it. Not a waste of time, you had to go through this to get to where you need to be.