AIBU to be gutted about end of FWB

[musicalfruit123]

I’ll try not drag this out too long. FWB for around 4 years !! (On and off but tended to happen on average once every 2-3 months). Myself and the friend are close outside of sexual encounters and meet most weeks for coffee lunch etc. This is where I will get flamed...years back I was infatuated with this guy, but he made it clear he just wanted to be friends, I accepted and moved on emotionally but not completely. He started seeing someone 2 years ago and I said I wasn’t comfortable continuing to see him, however we have continued... This weekend he met me for a ‘one last time’ session and I’m gutted. And annoyed at myself for being such a dick. He has totally minimised it all when I expressed I was feeling a bit sad about it and told me ‘it’s not like we were doing it all the time’... So AIBU? Or have I got what I deserved? (Please don’t be too mean mumsnetters)

Um, you’re not a FWB though are you? You were an OW. Let’s not dress it up.

If you’d come on here and said you’d been having an affair with another woman’s gf for the past two years you’d have been slaughtered. But because you claim this was an fwb situation you’re getting sympathy. But you’re not an fwb. You’re just his shag on the side, and you have willingly been enabling him to cheat on his gf for the past two years.

FWB which moves into relationship teratory is hard because whether we admit it or not there are bound to be feelings caught in a situation where you’re prepared to sleep with someone who we think is just a friend and then realise that maybe it’s more when they find a relationship with someone else. But this isn’t that situation. You knew he was in a relationship and you carried on sleeping with him. He sounds like an arsehole but you’re no better tbh.

What you need to do now though is to realise what it was, end the association and aim for only relationships with unattached men in future.

Nocauserebel- it’s not completely black and white. As far as he was concerned we were FWB. We were having sex long before his GF was on the scene, unfortunately by the time he was started seeing her things were already well established with myself and him, for me, more emotionally so, and therefore it was very difficult to just stop. Even though it was morally wrong.

I will definitely try and learn from this mess. It’s all I can do.

Hi op. There is nothing to be gained by being honest with him and telling him how you feel. If you do that then you will end up feeling even more hurt. I can see how you got yourself into this situation. The best thing now would be to make a clean break from this guy and pick yourself up again. The hurt will pass. FWIW he sounds like a twat anyway.

People are always so disparaging of FWBs on here.

Because there are so many threads where the op is in this ops position. Minus being the OW. I can see why people think it's not a great idea. One always seems to get feelings.

OP, it doesnt matter if you were fwb before her. You knew the score

He may be a shit. But he has always been clear with you. He is being awful to his girlfriend, but you were part of that.

The fwb situation should have stopped the minute you had feelings and he didn't.

I think you are mainly mad at yourself. For thinking one day he would pick you. But lots of us have been there. Its shit, but you get over it.

He chose to date someone else and have sex with you. He isn't a good guy, he isn't worth of either of you.

The thing though op is that you had so little value for yourself that you didn’t consider it an issue to still be having sex with him even though he had an actual relationship with someone.

Also, you are both kidding yourselves if you really thought this was just a FWB situation. After all if that’s all it was I presume his gf knows? Because if she doesn’t, and you have spent time with her then you know and have always known that what you’re doing was wrong and so did he. Otherwise you would have both been up front with her and you haven’t been.

You need to learn to value yourself more than this. But you do also need to question why you were still so happy to continue sleeping with a man who was blatantly in a relationship with someone else. What if you’d got pregnant for instance? What then?

It really is black and white even if it was a straightforward situation in the beginning. Once he wasn’t single any more he was no longer available to you. It’s simply not enough to say that he saw it as x or y, the fact is he wasn’t available and you need to think better of yourself so as to walk away from these situations in future.

.years back I was infatuated with this guy, but he made it clear he just wanted to be friends, I accepted and moved on emotionally but not completely

This is your problem. Right here. You didn't accept it and you didn't move on emotionally at all. You may have lied to yourself that you did but you really didn't.

What you did do, was keep seeing him in the hope (whether it was subconcious or not) that one day he would wake up and go "Oh musicalfruit123! I have seen the light. We are such great friends. We have such great sex. I love you." This never happens.

You were fcking him in the hope you could fck him into loving you. This does not happen. Ever.

This is what you do now if you want to help yourself:

1. Delete his numbers, block him, delete him on all social media.

1. No contact with him at all. Your friendship is over. It wasn't a friendship actually. No one treats friends like this. It will be hard and bloody but once you get through the first few months you'll start to feel better.

1. Go to the gym and take some exercise every day. A walk round the park. A swim. A cardio class. Doesn't matter get moving.

1. No dating for at least 3 months. You need a bit of space. Otherwise you will be desparate to move on and you'll make bad decisions.

1. Book a holiday for about 1 - 2 months time. Somewhere far away, you've not been, want to go and has no association with him.

I suspect that you will give excuses as to why you can't do any of this. Mark my words, you stay in contact with this man, he will be back for some free and easy sex with a warm willing orifice when he feels like it - and you will feel even worse than you do now.

It's like an addiction. It's a drug that is bad for you. Manage it like that and you'll eventually create a drug free life.

Good luck.

What you did do, was keep seeing him in the hope (whether it was subconcious or not) that one day he would wake up and go "Oh musicalfruit123! I have seen the light. We are such great friends. We have such great sex. I love you." This never happens.

Actually, it does.

Actually, it does.

No it never does.

People fall in love later I agree but it does not happen that someone who is treating you like shit suddenly falls in love and starts treating you well. If the starting point is an abusive relationship, the end point is an abusive relationship.

As I said, you can't f*ck someone into loving you.

And in this case, even if you could he'd still be banging someone else on the side. Like with his girlfriend and you.

TellItLikeItReallyIs

Oh I wish I'd read your advice fifteen years ago. Honestly OP it won't improve for as long as you are in ANY contact. He will always see you as a possibility for strings free. He's 43 and tbh at 30 you probably massaged his im nearly 40 ego and can shag someone younger too. Is his girlfriend younger?

Look at the freedom programme and see why you grativate towards abusive relationships.

Great advice from TellItLikeItReallyIs

What you did do, was keep seeing him in the hope (whether it was subconcious or not) that one day he would wake up and go "Oh musicalfruit123! I have seen the light. We are such great friends. We have such great sex. I love you." This never happens

I am with my FWB. We live together. I would still say it doesnt happen. I met Jim a few weeks after I left my marriage. He had been left his marriage a few months. We were really into eachother and dated but it was too soon. Neither of us were ready for a relationship. But remained friends with no sex. We still fancied eachother and fell for eachother during the long period we were friends. We also fancied eachother like mad. We still weren't ready for a relationship but started sleeping together.

Not long after that, we talked and realised we were being stupid, got together properly and took it slowly.

The point is we had feelings way before the fwb situation started. We wanted to be together but given the divorces it just wasnt ideal to have a relationship.

My situation could have gone seriously tits up.

But if one person has feelings and the other is clear they dont, then no you cant fuck them into loving you. He was clear, he didn't have feelings. They talked, he said he didn't want a relationship and didn't have those feelings. This was only ever go one way.

I just don’t get why he can act so cold with me and trivialise it all after so long

Because he has/had no actual respect for you. He saw you as the thing he got to fuck whenever he fancied it.

He isn’t and never was your friend - you wanted a relationship and he didn’t. You have feelings for him that are apparently not reciprocated.

Of course it’s “black and white”: he cheated on his GF, without telling her, and you are the OW. He is responsible for his relationship, but very unethical on your part too.

The best thing you could do now would be to inform his GF. She deserves the information to make informed decisions about her relationship. The added bonus could be that your ex will end your “friendship”.

It wasn't FWB. If you have romantic feelings then it's not.

I have a FWB. I like his company as a friend. We have fun together. But I don't want to be his girlfriend and if he ended it tomorrow because he'd met someone I'd be fine with it.

This guy sounds like a twat. You're better off without him. Be kind to yourself, I know it's tempting to keep contacting him but you need to block and delete his number.

I had this, except it went on for 10 years. I always hoped, thought, if he could see the ‘real’ me then he would fall in love....he was cruelly adamant that he would never remotely have any feelings for me. So 12 years later, after it’s ended, I’m happily married and he’s single, turned 60, and looks me up on LinkedIn. We chatted briefly then I deleted and blocked him. Hang in there OP! You are better than these circumstances.

Op, you say you've only ever had abusive relationships - do you think maybe this arrangement with this guy was a way of avoiding "proper" relationships?

You had him to think about and fill that boyfriend role, without the risk (or benefit) of the relationship escalating. I think to let it go on four years to the exclusion of others, means you were getting something out of it (beyond the obvious). Maybe it's that you're afraid to enter a real relationship (justifiably) rather than him being particularly special.

I was in a FWB situation years ago but similar to you, I harboured hopes of it being more. He was always honest with me about his feelings but I was sure I could change that. Eventually he met someone and ended our arrangement and I was gutted. It was like being dumped but our relationship hadn't even had any legitimacy so I felt unable to talk to friends about it and felt very lonely.

I decided to save my dignity and cut off all contact and I am really glad I did.

I would really advise you to do the same OP. It is hard but so worth it. If you don't, you are destined to be his backup plan forever and that is no way to live. You deserve more xx

He knows you were emotionally invested but just didn't care. He's not your friend!

Don't see him again, ever.

Thank you all so much for your input , I really appreciate it. The common theme here is that he is a dickhead and so that helps to numb the pain of ‘losing him’.

Category12 - 100%... I am terrified of being in relationships, I do occasionally look but i’ll either cut it off early or they just turn out to be abusive anyway. I’m in therapy and hoping this pattern will end one day but it’s very depressing to feel that at only 30 I’m pretty much incapable of a relationship. ‘FWB’ asked me on the day of our last session if I ever thought about settling down and having a proper relationship with someone...it was like a knife in the heart 🤢

The common theme here is that he is a dickhead and so that helps to numb the pain of ‘losing him’

Totally agree. You also need to reframe this as he was never yours to lose.

The fact you could easily have got together but, he actively sought out a gf to fulfill the role you wanted in his life, shows you, this wasn’t an affair or FWB. You were just a fuck buddy.

I don't think you were a typical OW - you didn't knowingly get involved with a man who was already in a relationship. You were already emotionally caught before he met his gf. He is a cheating piece of shit though and although it doesn't feel like it now, you really have dodged a bullet in not being with him 'properly'.
I think it suited him to not see how you felt, so he didn't. That way he could carry on using you guilt free and tell himself he'd been honest.
I think the counselling is a great idea to help you break bad relationship patterns.

He has no blame here, except cheating on his GF. He made it very clear from day one that he didn't want a relationship with you. For whatever reason, you weren't relationship material in his eyes.

He's not being cold or minimising. It was only ever sex and friendship for him.

He has never had those romantic feelings for you, although he clearly enjoyed having sex with you. Physical attraction, isn't enough for a relationship... so while you were attractive to him....it wasn't more than that.

Go no contact and try and move on.

I can't say you are unreasonable to be upset, those are your feelings and they shouldn't be invalidated.... but from his POV, he doesn't want to feel responsible/guilty for you feeling that when he was honest all the way.

He doesn't want to be the bad guy here.

You say he has "totally minimised it " - ummm no he was telling you what it was for him. You just built it up into more .