Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

andme
It sounds horrible for you. Does your dad know how things stand? Do they get on? Could you and dad leave and set up home elsewhere? It’s so difficult to deal with someone who just won’t hear you. That thing about noise is incredible. Arrogant, rude, unkind, disrespectful - the list goes on and on. Have you ever asked him if he is happy with the situation? What would make his life better? Because he just might give you a clue as to a way forward that might make your life more bearable. Like he might accidentally say he’d like to live on his own, in which case you could make that happen! My H is nothing like that, being amiable and rather like a big puppy. But it’s the lack of consideration and validation that I find hard. He lives his life as though I’m not there and I feel like a sort of shadow. That’s bad enough, but to feel as though you’re in a war zone all the time AND looking after an aged parent... well I can understand you must be at the end of your tether. When you pray you won’t wake up, that would mean they would have to manage on their own. Would they? I guess people do if they have to, so bearing that in mind perhaps you could try and not feel so responsible for them both. Why not organise a holiday for yourself and put dad in respite (or take him with you if you can’t bear that) or do you have siblings who could take him for a week or two? If it was a success, you could make it a regular thing. It doesn’t have to cost a fortune. Do you work? Could you get away on your own for a while? It might help you to de stress and think of ways to make your life more bearable.

daftas
i so sympathise. My mother was a nightmare and my dad and I lived in misery. We always felt we were walking on eggshells as she would use any excuse to explode in a rage. She was angry, critical and irrational. But to the outside world she was fun, charming and good company. I think she had narcissistic personality disorder as I can tick every box for that. However whatever the problem, our life was hell. I got out as quickly as i could but my poor dad stuck it out til he died. He never once discussed it - only when I left he said he was surprised I’d stayed as long as I had. That was wonderful as I felt perhaps her behaviour wasn’t my fault. I had always felt if I tried harder I could make her happy. Maybe he felt the same, I don’t know, but I wish I had realised earlier than I did that it was her problem not mine. Looking back now, I wish he had left and had a nicer life, but failing that, had put his foot down a bit more and refused to countenance her behaviour. It was as though her emotional development had stopped as a toddler and that was how she went through life - tantrums, self absorbed and irrational, but able to manipulate with charm, rage or tears, whichever seemed appropriate to get her own way. Very difficult to deal with in a child, let alone an “adult”. Whatever the diagnosis, it is hard for an untrained carer to manage. I mean that’s what we are really. Untrained carers. With no back up or resources. No wonder we feel stressed.

I'm reading more and more about how women who've recently been dumped or come out of LTRs are falling for ASD men almost as a rebound.

I'm another one. I fell into a relationship with my OH very soon after the traumatic ending of my marriage (to another ASD man, but who presented very differently). There were a few signs at the beginning of new relationship, but it took until about a year before I could say, 'you're ASD, aren't you?' He was just so steady (he still is) and reliable, which was what I thought I needed after the flaky, shredding of my nerves XH.
Now I realise that the 'steadiness' is a reluctance to do anything different or out of routine. But is it unfair of me to complain about something which attracted me in the first place?

stardustandroses Thanks for your response.

It is horrible. No, Dad doesn't know as he's so frail and poorly I try not to let things show and I'd hate for him to feel that I'm 'suffering' because he's here. I can't say H and Dad get on or not because H is so wrapped up in himself and his own interests he only has the briefest exchanges of conversations with Dad. In same vein, I wouldn't put Dad through another move. I really am not wishing anything on him, he's a lovely man and I love him to bits, he's my Dad and he's been through a lot, but when he's gone I will leave even if I have to go into a women's shelter.

H has become impossible to deal with. Arrogant, rude, unkind, disrespectful - the list does indeed go on. Yes, I have asked him if he is happy with the situation and he said no, things could be better. I've also told him that I no longer have feelings of love for him, as that died a long time ago due to his unreasonable behaviour and attitude toward me. I've told him I want a divorce and do not wish for any future that includes him. I don't know what else I could say to make my own feelings clearer. He just says he doesn't believe me, doesn't agree that the situation is as bad as I make it out to be, and doesn't accept that our marriage is over. So arrogant. Pompous. Unbearably and insufferably dismissive.

I'm glad your own H is amiable and puppylike, but do appreciate the wounding caused by lack of consideration and validation and am sorry you are experiencing that awful state of living as though you are invisible.

I feel responsible for Dad, not H. Dad came here rather than go into a home because I promised I would look after him for as long as I can. He nursed Mum at home for many years until she had to go into hospice and died there. He has a mortal fear of going anywhere like that now.

I haven't worked in some years due to failing health myself so no personal income or savings. No siblings.

So many of us in the same situation...

andme2💐🍰🍸

Gosh @andme2 I can sympathise with your whole post. I suspect you are probably more damaged by this than you realise. Have you had any therapy about your marriage? You don’t mention your children. How is he with them? Do they have a good relationship? Huge hugs to you. I hope you can be happy down the line.

Hi everyone else. Hope you’re all ok? It’s been 4 months since I left. Feel a million times better since leaving, having therapy & finally opening up to friends about my reality. I’ve started divorce proceedings but H refuses to believe it & I still get pepper sprayed with texts & emails daily from him about ‘our future’. I don’t know how many times it is necessary to say ‘I want a divorce’.

But I’m NEVER going back. I hope one day I’ll meet someone who will hug me properly xx

Hi everyone, hope you’re all ok. Life goes on here. Finally H seems to see I want a divorce (petition filed). He has launched in to a barrage of awful messages. I am a crap person, a crap mother, my friends can’t stand me, my family are awful, my friends are sycophants. I don’t reply but I can’t say they don’t hurt badly. I cried for about 2 hours this morning but I realise it’s good for cementing my decision. Tough times

oh god, that's predictable that he'd turn on you. Mean as hell tho. And so stupid as well ...if you're going to insult someone, saying that everyone they know is awful is kinda ridiculous. It's so childish!

Keep going moffa. It will take time for you (and me) to recover. I'm kinda numb at the moment still after the first massive, massive relief of him leaving. I can vaguely sense some very difficult emotions behind the barriet I built up. I expect they'll turn up eventually.

I begged, absolutely begged him to go for help for emotional training skills and he wont. Im so sorry about the children's well being with him and even their safety because he just does not perceive danger.

so worried* ... goodness me that was a freudian slip

Hi @SeaEagleFeather I worry too. Partly because of his current mental state and partly because he doesn’t relate well to children or understand their limitations with regards to emotional conversations. I want them to have a relationship though as I would hate them to later on say I had deprived them of it. He hasn’t had them overnight yet but it is looming.

Got to get through this. Hope you’re managing ok xx

partly because he doesn’t relate well to children or understand their limitations with regards to emotional conversations.

Yes ... this ... he is actually a very involved parent but he s unable to do any emotional caretaking at all.

Nowhe's gone 2 weeks I can see that he's got one of the biggest problems with anger of the people I'm close to that I've seen. He can't handle -any- at all. His own, mine or his childrens'. He is also wholly unable to respond to difficult situations with any sensitivity at all, leaving them adrift.

Other than that, the feeling in the house is still SO much better than it was before he went to his own house !!!!!

It’s so hard isn’t it!

My H promised he would have anger management but seems to now believe he has no issues on that front & is right about everything.

I read that if you think being married to someone on the spectrum is hard; try divorcing one. It’s certainly ringing true here. X

My H promised he would have anger management but seems to now believe he has no issues on that front & is right about everything

groan are yours and mine cousins? I've literally begged him ... the effect on the kids is awful :(

Hi...I was wanting to get some information on here...is it possible (and I know that the person would need a diagnosis...that the following would indicate Aspergers
Lack of empathy
Knowledge about one specific topic and talks about it all the time
Literal
Only deals in facts
Not able to piece things together for example "would you be able to get the coffee from the other shop as that one tastes awful" and then they go to the different shop but buy the same coffee?
They are but to name a few

the pattern of what you're saying sounds unpleasantly familiar but yes ... can't diagnose over the net!

I found this very, very judgemental but also depressingly accurate: www.theneurotypical.com/effects-on-differing-nd-levels.html

could it help you?

SeaEagleFeather oh my word that is so so interesting. The end column of how the other person feels describes me down to a tee in the relationship- there are ALOT of relatable things in there,thankyou for that link xx

I noticed that in someone's post below they mention about clothes...my husband wears the same
set of 5 clothes...they have holes in them and he has had them since he was in his 20s,I didn't think this was connected...

@SeaEagleFeather they could be! 😂 We has a session with a mediator today and the mediator commented that H had done 80% of the talking and that every time I tried to speak he cut me off with his opinions! It was nice to have that validated as I have told him lots of times he doesn’t listen!

@suziejac if you read this thread & the first 3 threads you will find lots of good links to extra reading material. For me this one hit the nail on the head and made me seek counselling (well, therapy)

www.theneurotypical.com/otrs-the-burden-on-nt-spouses-and-partners.html

Hugs to everyone xx

yeesh. again, so much is familiar, apart from two (admittedly quite important ones)

Hi, just checking in to say hi.

It's been 16 months since I split with ASD ex. I'm finding I'm still ruminating on things that were said by him and I am still angry with him and processing things. In a way I would like my time back to speak my mind and to stand up for myself.

That time has passed though.. but I think I need to talk to a therapist about all of this..

Interesting the comment about wearing the same clothes.. my ex was not short of money at all (high functioning ASD). He wore the same clothes but just bought newer and identical copies each year. I can't bear the sight of a John Lewis burgundy fisherman's jumper..

@Moffa it does sound like you are making amazing progress with your life. Massive kudos and hugs to you and all others 💐

I'm ill, referred by HCP to A&E as an emergency ill.

How do I explain to DH (Aspergers) how to behave? I've just read an internet thing on supporting a spouse through a health challenge and DH has utterly failed on everything.

• listen & share time
• get informed
• talk to practicianers together
• sidestep nagging

I went to A&E and he stayed at home to 'work' but I got back to find him fixing th lawnmower & doing various DIY stuff.
The trip involved 3 hours of driving which I really should n't be doing. (Key symptom side effect, top of Dr Google)
I get the odd reminder to go running ( I'm broken with chronic fatigue) and a 3 minute phone call over 48 hours cos he's working away.
I was willing to ignore a lot but this time , scarcely sick, I think my opinion of him could n't get any lower.

I'm so scared at being sick although scarcely is what has kept the good times okay over the last 20 years.

I think I want to run away but DH has the money earning, high status credit whilst I did/do the stay at home keep everything together crap.

Are you well enough to be back home now @RainbowMaths? Is your H able to do anything to help you or us there someone else who can? 💐

New day, better spelling.

I'm due back for further tests. I feel I need to focus on me for a change but I'm scared that DH's Aspergers head will make it all about him.

I've been careful to build up a support network for lifts & child support over the years which I can draw on. Just desperately sad that the one person who should be putting me first will be working his way through his never ending DIY list. And I'll come home to a load of DIY fixes but no washing done, housework or food sorted and be expected to praise the inept, 80% done, H&S nightmare.