The walking on eggshells resonates with me. I feel I can breathe when my H is away from home.
His frequent response, when I ask him to do something or even if I am just trying to make conversation is to ignore me and even go into another room as if he hasn't heard me at all. When I challenge him (I do tell him his behaviour is rude) he often says he 'heard noise' but didn't realise I was talking to him. My speaking is just 'noise' to him. He is so rude and insufferably smug. When he speaks all must listen because of course whatever he has to say is IMPORTANT, as opposed to the mere noise I make when my mouth moves and sounds come out. It's worse when he's sat in front of the TV because I often have to ask him 3-4 times, "Are you listening?" "Did you hear me?"
Things have become very strained between us now because I refuse to be spoken to so dismissively, treated like a secretary, allow him to disrespect me, or get away with behaviour I've allowed in the past because either I wasn't sure if it was 'just me' or if I'd misunderstood or whatever, and didn't want to cause an argument or bad atmosphere.
H has no friends and isn't interested in making any. He's always been and still is very socially awkward but doesn't even try to be friendly or polite. Being with him suffocates me. He has all but destroyed my mental, emotional and physical health, caused me to doubt myself, question my sanity, almost believe that there was something wrong with me, and has engineered and manipulated circumstances to the point where I live an isolated and very lonely life and am terrified I will die in this house I hate that has never been a home, cut off from family and friends, hating him for presenting himself to me as one man before almost immediately after the wedding dropping the act and showing me who he really is.
It's right that I challenge H's behaviour and it's right that I stand up for myself but honestly the feeling of living in an almost constant war zone has sapped my energies and drained me of all hope. More often than not I leave a room if he enters, and if he's already in a room I enter, then he will leave shortly after. There is no relationship and hasn't been for many years.
I hate myself for not seeing the truth and for staying all these years after I learned it. I didn't leave before because of children, who are gone now, but due to failing health my widowed elderly father has had to come and live with us and I can't leave him.
I am so lonely and sometimes I pray I won't wake up.
Sorry for dumping all this at once. Never said any of it out loud before. Thanks for listening.