Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

Feather, I saw something on FB which said you should seek help ASAP as it helps long term. Think it might have been The Contented Child page. If I can find it I’ll share it. If you research it though you might find a good way to decide? X

Thanks, Ill do that.

Oh & @feather that isn’t suggesting medicating them. There are lots of therapies like play therapy that can have a great impact on behaviour xx

eatlgreymarl I laughed out loud at the “breaking wind” story.
My h would think exactly the same, that he was trying very hard if he did it in the garage. In reality here, he doesn’t even leave the dining table, or the room, let alone the house, for his frequent (at least every 20 minutes throughout the day - I’ve timed!) loud and smelly farts. He never apologises. Occasionally, if I remonstrate, he grudgingly says “excuse me, I didn’t mean it”.
He doesn’t do it if anyone else is here, so I can only assume that I’m not important enough to be treated respectfully.

noooo no medication needed, im sure of that. it's behavoural strategies we need

@timeihadachange YES my DH is similar to this . Also he refuses to save for Christmas. He has attitude which is put everything on the cc then pay it all off. He will look back with financial records, but not forwards. Very difficult to get his head around planning / cash basis.

@bluebell 😫 vile isn't it. He has improved in that stenchy regard thankfully, but it is the fact he said it also!

@moffa that's great you are getting freed up for those possibilities / chance connections . Did he get the diagnosis?

Hi everyone,

Well it was disappointing. The psychologist spent 2 hours with H. I was there for the first 5 mins & the last 5 mins.

She concluded that while he had plenty of traits, there was not enough evidence to meet the diagnostic criteria. I think he is so good at socially masking & I wish she had spoken to me more. I could have told her he has sensory issues around food & water as he wouldn’t have admitted that. He minimised our social life constantly but can’t see that. It was so frustrating I sat in my car & cried. I spoke to another psychologist (who is a friend) and she said it can be incredibly difficult to diagnose adults who have later upon layer of coping strategies.

Anyway, I think I’ve slways wanted to attribute his behaviour to HFA so there was a reason behind it all. To realise perhaps that is just how he is was quite a blow.

Anyway, it doesn’t change anything in many ways. I need to get a divorce xx

So sorry @moffa . But clearly you have tried to both solve and work with the situation and can no longer be responsible for or tolerate it. It must be v difficult and angering. Thank goodness you had already put a plan for you in place .

Oh Moffa sending hugs. This is exactly what happened with my OH assessment. I found it really hard to deal with. Like you say with an ASD diagnosis you can understand the behaviour. Without it? Well I'm not convinced about my OH's results and from everything you've said about yours, he sounded more severe. It may not be a correct diagnosis. 10 minutes with you is nothing (although I didn't even get that ).

Like you say though. It doesn't chance how he behaves, the impact it's had on you, and the fact that you've felt better apart. You know what to do

Cricky we had 60 mins with Psych when doing DD young adult assessment, which was gruelling.

Hugs 🙄 as that sounds not wonderful xxx

@colouringinpro @Moffa

I can't believe how shoddy the diagnostic process was for you. DH had 2 x 2.5 hour appointments/assessment sessions alone and 2 x 1.5 hour sessions with me also present. We also had time to read the draft report and make any comments/amendments which was really useful. DH had said, for example, he didn't have any rituals or routines. I then had an opportunity to dispute that because our life is dictated by his routines and rituals - he just doesn't view them as that.

I don't see how anyone can make a diagnosis on one meeting. Especially for 'high functioning' adults who have had a life time of masking their issues or the true extent of their social and emotional difficulties .

I'm really sorry for you guys that you didn't get the answers/explanations you hoped for.

On everyone's recommendation I had a therapy session of my own this week. A great tip - thanks! Therapist was really understanding but concerned I am already burned out. Not sure what happens now but going to carry on seeing her. It was a relief just to offload for that once and not get either a solution or defensive remark in response.

Thanks turtle much appreciated.

Well done for seeing a counsellor I think it's so important to have someone listening to and focused on you, who can also help us make sense of things.

Having said that I didn't go to mine this afternoon as I fell asleep!

Be mindful of the burn out and have a look at ways you can make your life easier, be kind to yourself.

Hi,
New to this thread and I’m keen to take time to read past postings.

I am hear in desperation. Does anyone have any idea or have used the services of a marriage Counceller with experience/expertise in ASD ?
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. It’s not the idea 1st post I know. I will come back and introduce myself but atm I’m struggling to even keep going at times. I’m desperate for couples therapy/counselling but finding it impossible to find anyone to help
Best wishes x

Thanks all. It was (and still is) a shock but I’m sure it is wrong.

@turtle exactly - my H thinks he is flexible & easy going but really he is rigid within his routine. I would say H had every trait that I read about. And I suffered with OTRS and needed therapy. How can she make that call after 2 hours with him? I think he blamed our relationship issues on the fact we had IVF!

Thanks for your kind words @colouringinpro - it’s so frustrating isn’t it?

Hi @happyeverafter if you read through the threads you’ll find good links etc. In terms of counselling it’s worth speaking to your GP or looking on the NHS website. Or Different Together/Autism.co.uk may be able to help. Good luck xx

Thing is, Moffa - a diagnosis doesn't change anything.

The traits are there and hard to live with.

I remember being outraged when Sara Hendrickx said "the thing about NT/AS relationships is the NT partner has to adapt and learn to compromise".

She was right, though. DH can't change. And the more I have cajoled and demanded the worse I have made him feel and the worse his behaviour has become. I have never understood how he thinks it is ok to pretend the dreadful things he has done didn't happen, but, he can't take blame or criticism. He needs a clean slate. If the marriage is to survive then I need to figure out how to accept that.

Dunno.

I feel like I need a divorce 50% f the time. The other half I think "he's a good man, trying his best'

It's not fun, anyway.

Are you enjoying your life with him? That's the crux really, I think .. or if you aren't now, could you in the future?

I can't get past some of the shit things my husband's done. He says I hang onto the past and it's probably true. But I know for an absolute fact now that in a crisis regarding health / severe emotional damage, he will make things considerably worse not better.

Hey all - sorry to those who are going through a rough time.

@Moffa did the psych do things like flip through a book of pictures of faces with diff facial expressions and ask your H to identify those? She marked up his responses and partly based on that (possibly 10%) and other similar tests - her diagnosis was based on that.
That's what I thought was the clincher to me - she gave me the same test and there was a 60% difference between my responses and his.. I don't know how she came up with tests like that but they were all rapid fire questions so he didn't have time to fake his responses.

Sorry - these were pictures of faces from what I assume were actors and he had to identify the emotions. He mostly didn't have a clue

No @midcenturylegs she just asked him questions She said she looked at body language etc as well. But I didn’t feel it was an accurate way of assessing someone. They usually like a parent to be there or someone who knew the person from childhood but his mum is dead & his dad (also suspected ASD) lives abroad.

I’ve chickened out and left him a letter saying I want a divorce. Feel so anxious I’ve had a tummy ache for 3 days (since the test actually!) x

And No @seaeagle I am/was not enjoying life with him. There’s my answer.

I read a post on MN that said something along the lines of:

Do you feel loved?
Do you feel safe?
Do you feel happy?
Do you feel valued?

I answered No to every question.

I knew I was loved but I did not feel safe, valued or happy. Less and less so.

His judgement is awful (though not financially, but in other things) and he can't handle any emotional demands. or emotions. Not even happiness.

I definitely feel loved and know I am. I feel safe. I don't always feel happy and my value fluctuates. I am 'useful' (and have been told that) so I'm valued more for my usefulness than who I am if that makes sense. Or that's how it feels.

@SeaEagleFeather Yep. Anything emotional is too difficult to deal with including positive emotions. Can't anticipate or get excited over things. That tends to put a bit of a downer on stuff (from my perspective) because I want to share that with someone. He can't understand why I need to share it.