Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one)

[changerofnameaspiethread]

This thread is for partners seeking to understand the dynamics of their relationship with someone with ASD. It is a support thread, and a safe space to have a bit of a rant. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner. Otherwise the thread can be deleted, like Support Thread 4 The Original.

Previous threads:
1st thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3281058-Is-anyone-married-to-someone-with-Aspergers
2nd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3325419-married-to-someone-with-asperger-s-support-group-here
3rd thread: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a3463341-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-Support-group-here-Thread-3

@picklemepopcorn my DH was diagnosed at 63 by the National Autism Service but I paid for a private assessment and did the referral myself. He would never have been able to manage it. He doesn't make phone calls or write emails or letters.

It's made a significant difference to us, by helping us to make sense of our difficulties and altering our expectations. Without that, I think the recent stress of organising his brother's funeral and dealing with his affairs would have been the end of our marriage. As it is, we're coping okay and taking steps to get specialist help.

DH and I are happy enough as we are, but thank you.

I was interested really in the outrage people diagnosed formally with autism seem to have towards us, when we suspect our partners have autism but aren't yet diagnosed. We've seen time and again that we are "disablist", that we should "stay or leave" but not wonder if they have autism, that it's totally unreasonable for us to suspect autism because our partners are challenging to be with.

It's the old, old MN argument. If our DH's all got diagnosed, would it change the dynamic, I wonder?

That said, Salita, I'll look into it again!

@picklemepopcorn that's an interesting question (the dynamics post diagnosis etc). I think what changed it for me was that I was able to think and then actually say "No I am not being needy in wanting to hear at least once from you whilst away skiing or climbing (serious obsessions) and when he did it was "I am having a good time.", not, "how are you and DD" when away for a week.
Or when I walked up to him from behind, saying hello 5 secs before giving him a hug and he getting so angry at me, flinching, because I was disturbing him from whatever he was focusing on.
Really little things but he made me feel as if I was needy all of the time. Which I now know I was not. So it did change things. He could not turn around after the diagnosis and tell me I was the problem - I was too emotional, too needy as he had had the facts laid out for him with that he was not able to recognise emotion.

After the diagnosis he said many times that he wished that he hadn't gone through that as it was making things worse for us.. when I did leave him I told him that that was because I was standing up for myself and DD and being able to tell him that no, we were not needy and refer back to the report.

The online test helped DH because he could see a concrete difference between my score (13) and his (45). He could also see the traits is DS1, and DS1 only scored 40.

Having some numbers helped him recognise that we each see and experience things differently. Previously he'd felt the accommodation was all him being bothered by my demands, rather than each of us having a perfectly reasonable but completely different 'normal'.

I can see why people with autism get irritated that they are seen as 'other'. Especially as diagnosis rates increase.

I am sorry if my posts come across as being bitter to some. I think there are some traits with my ex which are probably nothing to do with autism - obnoxious, measures others re their affluence, weight, career etc. His whole family are like that, regardless of autism.

Just on "I can see why people with autism get irritated that they are seen as 'other'. "

I agree, but this thread is about supporting partners of those with autism, who are struggling, and there are other threads which are there to support autistic people. In my relationship I was seen as the "other" for a long time, which had an impact in so many areas of my life it is beyond awful.

I totally agree!

Not at all bitter, honestly.

Just to say hi everyone. Haven't been on here for a while as when I am busy with work it is easier in some ways. Well done to everyone who has made some progress. All same here, apart from our DS gets fed up with the big conversations as he calls them.

So I avoid anything that might cause any difference of opinion.

Then things go along in a standard way, with his stock phrases and constant questions about minor things and he will think everything is fine but there is no emotional connection at all.

Unfortunately it has been one thing after another with him in terms of bad things happening so it is incredibly draining how emotionally demanding he is and yet can give nothing sincerely. I know I sound awful but I am ground down and find him increasingly irritating and see him as weak. There is no space for my feelings and he consumes all space so I no longer want anything from him.

He has definitely got worse as he has got older. He used to be funny and have some energy. Now it's likes applies a different code. I am sure people think he is weird cos if you bump into someone in the street and exchange chatter he just stands there and stares uncomfortably, even if he knows them.

A few weeks ago he actually said he had been trying really hard , i said in what way, cos I honestly couldn't tell, his answer was that he had been going into the garage to break wind. Yes ! Laugh , please get some joy out of the awfulness. Yes a was serious. Yes he said "break wind" like some weirdo.

So that is what I have been reduced to appreciating apparently.

We went on a special holiday a couple of months ago , he just had no excitement or enthusiasm , there is no joy. He liked the activities, but there is no togetherness in terms of plans for what we should do / where we should eat. I think that sort of stuff is rubbing off on my son too.

@moffa & @midcentury well done, you sound so much lighter! It is great you still check in here.

On top of this he seems desperate for validation and recognition, probably because I have withdrawn. I have gone years without him having any attention for my feelings or contributing to our relationship ( as oppose to occasional practical stuff & parenting, ones DS was older) but he is quite ready nowadays to say "you don't listen to my feelings" but he can't articulate then in anything else but accusations of to me - I have done X, y, z. He is desperate for a win in an argument, for me to apologise, even when things are often not black and white, winner /loser.

Wow that just came out! No other adult convo for a couple of days!

Soz everyone, I was genuinely wanting to just sat hello to everyone & I hope everyone is ok X 🌺

Why do you stay @earlgreymarl? Sounds very isolating for you xx

Interesting discussion. My dd recently had ASD diagnosis. I've wondered for many years now if OH (now separated) is on the spectrum. He has no emotional intelligence, empathy, is rigid in thinking and sure he's right amongst other stuff. Anyhow assessment (NHS) came back negative. Apparently his dysfunctional parenting is the cause of these traits. I was pretty gutted. I don't know how easy it is to assess as an adult, and with no input from anyone else - like person he's been in a relationship with for 25 years....

I've been lurking for a long time. I find this thread both supportive and depressing - I know that my DH is quite unable to change his behaviour and the only way to stay married is for me to learn to cope with the searing loneliness I feel.

He's not diagnosed - but, the AQ gave him a score of 46. I scored 4. Which probably sums up our challenges.

I am looking for a counsellor to help me - I am finding my mood is dropping as the years go on. My marriage is a painfully lonely place and our kids will soon by leaving for education.

I don't hold out any hope that things will improve. It's so very, very sad.

Thank you for your wise words, I am sure that many people lurk on this board.

@choodechoo for my DS, I suppose. He loves his home and says he likes being all together. Also there are other big things going on in DH's family so it definitely wouldn't be the right time.

@colouring that is difficult, surely an assessment only shows up one isolated version

@vivarium yes it's the giving up hope of improving. I also dread when DS gets older. I worry I am wasting a part of my life. DH said something about "when we are 45" the other day and I thought , no god no. He cannot connect the various repeated issues with an overall massive problem.

Hope that the counselling helps @vivarium and that things , by some way get better for everyone.

How wonderful it would be to feel a spark again!

You must feel tricked @colouring I don't think I could handle hanging on for the outcome of an assessment.

vivarium that's a lot like I felt in the years before we separated. I couldn't face more decades of such loneliness and it definitely wasn't doing my mental health any good.

I'm trying to accept OH's assessment. I had been relying on it being positive to help me justify my decision to separate (to myself, as I feel so guilty, my DS has been vv badly affected). But whatever the assessment, it doesn't change his behaviour.

For everyone.

That's interesting, colouring. I wonder how adult assessments work when the person doesn't see any issues. With children, their nearest and dearest are asked for their perspective.

Lots to think about.

Hi everyone,

Well I’m currently sitting in the waiting room while H has his assessment.

He demanded that I put my wedding ring back on for this meeting but I refused.

@earlgreymarl I get the ‘break wind’ thing! My H unloaded the dishwasher & wanted acknowledgment. I said to my mum I just cannot live with such low expectations.

I feel so different already, nearly 10 weeks on from moving out. The therapy has helped but also I totally spontaneously in a natural place have met a really nice guy who has become a friend. He has a DD the same age as mine & is divorced. Nothing will happen romantically but it was amazing watching someone really interact genuinely with my kids and made me realise it is possible x

amazing watching someone really interact genuinely with my kids I have a friend who did this. I've known him for decades and he was widowed (he married an old flatmate of mine) about 5 years ago. Him and his kids came to stay for a week a couple of years ago - seeing him have a laugh with my kids was quite sobering. Really brought it home to me how much lack there is from DH.

He's very loyal, he works hard, but, the interactions with them is on his terms. We have a DD who's now a teenager, he has NEVER taken her out on her own. That's something I only realised recently (she's been self harming, it's all very upsetting and she's not been messing about with it, either). He'll take the boys out occasionally, but, only to do things he wants to do.

That's not parenting.

@earlgreymarl - mine empties the dishwasher daily. And then wants a round of applause.

Moffa - hope the assessment is useful.

Colouring - yes, I think I have accepted that there is no positive ending to this. He's making me ill. actually ill.

Asking for advice. Currently leaving husband, who I'm certain has ASD as does his mum. He was diagnosed as having 'traits' 25 years ago.

Other than the hurt and severe irritation of watching him turn into superdad with our youngest while feeling entirely silenced by him myself ... the question is about our youngest.

No less than four older mothers with grown up children have asked me if the youngest is on the spectrum. My gut instinct is yes, he does.

But at 5, should I be looking for a diagnosis yet, or leave it a while until he is a bit older and the separation is finalized and the dust has settled?

The discussion about money rings so true for me too. My DP just doesn't seem to grasp the concept at all, yet he has no problems with maths. He went bankrupt soon after we met, which meant, of course, his credit rating was shot. I then got him a cc on my account, so he could buy things for us / me when on his own without me needing to transfer money over to him. It worked well for a while, but then it didn't.

He kept telling me that we needed to get it paid off asap. I didn't disagree. However, his way of doing this was to give me all but about £100 of his monthly salary so I could pay bills and then put the rest onto the cc, but then use the cc as and when. But as he was paying so much a month, he was convinced the total was coming down. Of course what actually happened was that he'd then spend all that he'd paid over to the card, plus a hundred or so extra each month, so the total kept rising. He never really wanted to see the statements he was just convinced he was doing everything he could to pay it off asap.

What I wanted him to do was to give me money for the bills, plus £100, and then use what he had in his account for the rest of the month. If he HAD to then use the card fine, but only as a last resort. At least this way he'd have seen the balance of his account more often than the cc balance and been more aware of what he was spending. But this didn't compute at all.

In the end, after 6 months of him spending left right and centre to make himself feel better (he was depressed) and me getting more and more anxious about the balance, he cut his cc up!!!!! At least that stopped the spending. It does mean that it's not so easy for him to buy joint things any more, but at least the cc is sort of now under control!

That's tricky, feather. At this stage I'd say if school aren't concerned then you don't need to be. If he stops coping in school, or has needs you can't manage without intervention, then definitely go for it but there is no rush.