I believe H is having an affair – help me to deal with meeting OW socially while I get ready to confront H

[WantToBeStrong]

I have posted about H and the OW on another thread but don’t want to hijack that thread.

I have reason to believe that H is having an affair with a childhood friend. I am currently trying to get my ducks in a row before I confront him.

At the weekend I had to see OW socially – she is also a friend of SIL and was staying with SIL and BIL at the weekend – SIL and BIL invited H and me to join them (and OW) for a meal at a pub/restaurant. I thought it would look very odd if I didn’t go, and thought that if I did go I could keep an eye on them. H sat next to OW in the restaurant and I noticed her rubbing her leg along his. As soon as I could, I kicked him under the table and made eye contact with him. I then sat so I could see their feet and would be able to see if it happened again – it didn’t.

I know I am going to have to have a meal with them again next month – there is no question of my not going on that occasion as it is an organised event with a group of people H and I know – so again friends and acquaintances of mine/ours. H has invited them along and booked places for them. I want to go to the event and would not want to call out H and OW at the event and behave badly in front of people whose opinion I respect.

This is excruciating for me, and I am trying to cope by being the bigger and better person, being good company and making good conversation. Yesterday I managed to work into the conversation “I don’t fancy a tart” (while choosing from the menu), which amused me. OW also paid for everyone’s meal. I am in two minds about this – on the one hand she has spent her money on me (her rival), but on the other she might feel she has paid me for the right to the time and attention of my H. (I would like to pay her back for my meal but can't do so other than through H.) I don’t want to alert them to the fact that I know what is going on as it will drive them to be more careful and I will have less evidence.

I am undecided as to how to handle the confrontation when the time comes, but I am not ready for that yet. That will depend on what happens in the next couple of months.

So – while I try to cope with this awful situation – how should I handle meeting OW socially before I am ready to confront?

I suspect he's waiting until June too. But I'll bet you a tenner that he's established the financial/legal side already OP. It's good, therefore, that you're planning to, as well.

Don't go to the event. They won't care if you make pithy comments. They'll enjoy flirting in your presence again. You'll just cause yourself more pain.

You are right to get your ducks in a row. My friend had the code to her OH credit cards. She went to the hole in the wall and drew as much money as possible every day.

Get money sorted, see a solicitor a good one!! Then you can ask him to leave. Do not blurt out anything play your cards close to your chest.

Arrange an appointment with a solicitor straight away.

Evidence of his adultery won't help you with the financial settlements in divorce: whose fault it is, is irrelevant, if that's what you're thinking. So videoing stuff is pointless if that's your hope for it.

Solicitors generally advise against naming a co-respondent in divorce proceedings as well.

If you want proof then you should leave them to get on with it
Seeing a financial advisor is not one bit of help as any financial assets come down to either what you agree as a fair split or what a court considers a fair split
I dont see what is to be gained by not confronting him now

Thank you for the further supportive replies - I am relieved that some understand my hesitation.

I can't jeopardise my DC's exams. Regardless of whether my DCs have any idea about the state of our marriage, I can't risk that this will have a negative effect on the exams (and I am sure that it would). If I can hang on until after that, I will. Another possibility is to confront H and trust/hope that he will feel the same way about the exams, and conduct himself in a an appropriate manner at the critical time.

In answer to a PP, the event next month has nothing to do with the OW other than that H has invited her along. It is with people H and I know.

The financial advisor appointment was initiated before I knew about the affair. It is soon. It is also necessary, regardless of the state of my marriage. Thank you to the PPs who have suggested a slush fund.

I have googled Divorce Lawyers and was shocked at how expensive they are (yes, I am naïve; I will say it before someone else does). I am also considering counselling, which might be accessible through work. I am not ready to tell anyone irl yet, but am thinking about whether there is someone I can confide in.

Do what YOU need to so OP .. us in the virtual world have your back and are to hear your rants .. if you want councelling go .. if you need to snoop and gather evidence do so .. if you need to bawl your eyes out let it happen! It’s called emption and all of us deal with it in a different way 🌷

*emotion

I agree with Hanab, do what is best for you. It’s your life and you have to live it.