I believe H is having an affair – help me to deal with meeting OW socially while I get ready to confront H

[WantToBeStrong]

I have posted about H and the OW on another thread but don’t want to hijack that thread.

I have reason to believe that H is having an affair with a childhood friend. I am currently trying to get my ducks in a row before I confront him.

At the weekend I had to see OW socially – she is also a friend of SIL and was staying with SIL and BIL at the weekend – SIL and BIL invited H and me to join them (and OW) for a meal at a pub/restaurant. I thought it would look very odd if I didn’t go, and thought that if I did go I could keep an eye on them. H sat next to OW in the restaurant and I noticed her rubbing her leg along his. As soon as I could, I kicked him under the table and made eye contact with him. I then sat so I could see their feet and would be able to see if it happened again – it didn’t.

I know I am going to have to have a meal with them again next month – there is no question of my not going on that occasion as it is an organised event with a group of people H and I know – so again friends and acquaintances of mine/ours. H has invited them along and booked places for them. I want to go to the event and would not want to call out H and OW at the event and behave badly in front of people whose opinion I respect.

This is excruciating for me, and I am trying to cope by being the bigger and better person, being good company and making good conversation. Yesterday I managed to work into the conversation “I don’t fancy a tart” (while choosing from the menu), which amused me. OW also paid for everyone’s meal. I am in two minds about this – on the one hand she has spent her money on me (her rival), but on the other she might feel she has paid me for the right to the time and attention of my H. (I would like to pay her back for my meal but can't do so other than through H.) I don’t want to alert them to the fact that I know what is going on as it will drive them to be more careful and I will have less evidence.

I am undecided as to how to handle the confrontation when the time comes, but I am not ready for that yet. That will depend on what happens in the next couple of months.

So – while I try to cope with this awful situation – how should I handle meeting OW socially before I am ready to confront?

What needs to happen for you to take action ?

Wtf?
Haven't seen your other thread, but she's not your "rival".
What you do, is chuck your cocklodger of a husband out on his ear not indulge in immature games trying to "win" him.
Have some dignity fgs.

just, why?
why are you putting yourself through this?

Why does it depend on what happens in the next couple of months?

Why does it depend on what happens in the next couple of months?

Wow rubbing her leg against his while you could see,how brazen is she.

She isn't your rival,your not competing for your own husband,I bet when you confront him he'll ditch her and try to beg your forgiveness

rival?

What a messed up situation. You just sat there while she rubbed her leg on his?

What are the really non negotiatiable ducks? It seems like you need to move sooner rather than later.

I am seeing a financial advisor in a couple of weeks' time. I don't want to confront H until I am clearer about my own financial rights and what I can do to get myself in a better financial position.

For a start stop viewing her as your rival. She has won the booby prize: a guaranteed unfaithful partner. She's got your cast off, taking out your rubbish for you. Try to channel those thoughts before meeting her socially.

I'd engineer more mingling at a group event so that you sit away from DH and so you don't have to chat to her so much and don't have to witness their leg rubbing so obviously but others will see it and therefore they'll be more kind to you and harsh on him when you split.

Eh?

Don't know what's on the other thread but it sounds like he was blatantly flirting (at the very least) in front of your mutual friends/family. That is so disrespectful, so hurtful, so disloyal.... I don't think you need to wait to see if they go on to have sex or wait to see if he chooses you.

He has shown that he literally doesn't care if you know he's trying to cheat. So to put it simply, he's not scared of losing you. Why would you hold on to somebody who doesn't care about losing you?

Ah @wanttobestrong I understand, there is timing involved. I get it. I've been there. I decided to leave in April but it couldn't happen until July.

As another poster said, channel ''thank you for taking out my rubbish'' before you meet her.

You know something they don't know.

''I know something you don't know'' and ''thank you for taking out my rubbish''.

I also find it useful in tricky situations to listen to guided meditations to increase confidence in social situations.

I admire your strength and dignity in all of this but there must be some huge backstory as to why you are waiting to see what happens in 2 months. The fact that you kicked your H’s leg when you noticed must already have alerted him that you are aware.

I can't do anything yet as I need to get my ducks in a row financially.

Finding somewhere to live that is close enough to work and other commitments will be difficult.
Whatever I choose to do will have an impact on other family.
I am under stress at work and don't feel strong enough at present to start a process that will cause me even more stress.
I don't have much of a support network.

You could have said to her at the table in front of everyone, why are you rubbing my husband’s leg?

Is a financial advisor definitely the person you need? Have you seen a solicitor?

You’re doing the right thing in getting advice before confronting him.

Are you certain you want to go to this event? Why would you put yourself through that?

Its easy to act on impulse but you could regret it later on. Do what's right for you, get the financial advice you need, get a good solicitor and then kick him out.

I wasn't married but have been left for OW, which I found out about yesterday. I have been so civil with my DDs dad until now. I have been sitting on a lot of information (drug addiction, huge debts) for a long time waiting for this moment. I sent a message to all his family telling them he is seeing OW while I'm home alone with baby, I told them he was out doing drugs when I was in hospital with baby.....it felt so bloody good to let it all out at the right time....when I knew for sure what he was doing. It was like my drop mike and walk off stage moment. You will feel the same, it still hurts but you can do this.....good luck xx

I would have had to say something when they were rubbing legs?!

@Chapter1 yes, I could have done that. I am not ready to confront yet, however.

I do need to see a financial advisor. I needed to see one before I became aware of this situation. I will speak to a solicitor too.

Why am I waiting? Health issues among wider family. The timing of my DCs' educational commitments. Stress at work and the feeling that I can't cope with having anything else on my plate at present. Feeling that I want to be in control of the timing and confront him when I feel strong enough to do so.

Will there ever be a right time ?

Thank you @TwinkleMerrick. I hope things work out for you and I am glad that someone understands.

The event is something that we do every year and it is usually enjoyable. This year's event was planned before I suspected the affair. I only found out last week that H had invited OW.

There will probably never be a right time, but now is definitely the wrong time.

I'm so sorry you don't feel strong enough. It sounds like you have a lot to deal with. Do what's right for you, your mental state is what is most important. I think you will feel better once he has gone, maybe not right away but in time. One less person to look after xx