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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I believe H is having an affair – help me to deal with meeting OW socially while I get ready to confront H

83 replies

WantToBeStrong · 04/03/2019 20:55

I have posted about H and the OW on another thread but don’t want to hijack that thread.

I have reason to believe that H is having an affair with a childhood friend. I am currently trying to get my ducks in a row before I confront him.

At the weekend I had to see OW socially – she is also a friend of SIL and was staying with SIL and BIL at the weekend – SIL and BIL invited H and me to join them (and OW) for a meal at a pub/restaurant. I thought it would look very odd if I didn’t go, and thought that if I did go I could keep an eye on them. H sat next to OW in the restaurant and I noticed her rubbing her leg along his. As soon as I could, I kicked him under the table and made eye contact with him. I then sat so I could see their feet and would be able to see if it happened again – it didn’t.

I know I am going to have to have a meal with them again next month – there is no question of my not going on that occasion as it is an organised event with a group of people H and I know – so again friends and acquaintances of mine/ours. H has invited them along and booked places for them. I want to go to the event and would not want to call out H and OW at the event and behave badly in front of people whose opinion I respect.

This is excruciating for me, and I am trying to cope by being the bigger and better person, being good company and making good conversation. Yesterday I managed to work into the conversation “I don’t fancy a tart” (while choosing from the menu), which amused me. OW also paid for everyone’s meal. I am in two minds about this – on the one hand she has spent her money on me (her rival), but on the other she might feel she has paid me for the right to the time and attention of my H. (I would like to pay her back for my meal but can't do so other than through H.) I don’t want to alert them to the fact that I know what is going on as it will drive them to be more careful and I will have less evidence.

I am undecided as to how to handle the confrontation when the time comes, but I am not ready for that yet. That will depend on what happens in the next couple of months.

So – while I try to cope with this awful situation – how should I handle meeting OW socially before I am ready to confront?

OP posts:
Santaclarita · 04/03/2019 21:25

You realise your sil and bil probably know its going on right?

Kick him out.

justilou1 · 04/03/2019 21:28

Maybe video them under the table with your phone?

BumbleBeee69 · 04/03/2019 21:29

You realise your sil and bil probably know its going on right?

I agree

Original poster
WantToBeStrong · 04/03/2019 21:31

Yes, it is likely/possible that SIL and BIL know what is going on. I have always got on well with both of them. I don't know what they think. I will lose their friendship too.

And yes, I did think of videoing them under the table, but they didn't do it again.

OP posts:
Original poster
WantToBeStrong · 04/03/2019 21:32

@Twinkle thank you for your support and understanding xx

OP posts:
SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 04/03/2019 21:42

You're more restrained than me op,fur would be flying if I'd have seen the rubbing leg action

ooooohbetty · 04/03/2019 21:50

I totally understand that you have to play a waiting game and I admire your restraint. I however would have had to accidentally knocked my drink/meal over her.

catzrulz · 04/03/2019 21:52

I know this is life changing and serious for you and your family, but I actually laughed out loud at "I don't fancy a tart".
Well done you, keep that in your mind as well as the other good advice like taking out the rubbish.

foxsbiscuit · 04/03/2019 21:53

Oh OP I have just read your other posts, hope you are ok. What a shit situation. I have to say that because it's a childhood friend and your SIL likely knows it's highly likely that he is planning to leave you for her as it's not just a typical OW who means nothing. He is therefore very likely to be getting his ducks in a row too so please don't leave it too late where he can start hiding money etc.

I can't imagine how you will cope at the event. I couldn't be nice to OW knowing what you know.

ConfCall · 04/03/2019 23:00

I understand the point about DC exams, family health etc but i think that you should obtain legal and financial advice sooner rather than later even if you don't do anything until after the social event.

Teaandcrisps · 04/03/2019 23:11

Oh this sounds so stressful for you - so sorry your going thru this. Good that you have time to plan now - but wouldn't leave it too long - it's not healthy for you.

thefirst48 · 04/03/2019 23:42

I wouldn't put yourself through another meal with this woman, I would feign illness on the day. If you know your definitely leaving eventually then why put yourself through the mental torture.

gherkinpickle · 05/03/2019 07:13

This is awful for you. I'm so sorry Thanks
FWIW I think you're doing he right thing.
Have you managed to confide in anyone in real life?

AlexaShutUp · 05/03/2019 07:48

This is awful, OP, and I understand why you don't want to take action immediately. However, I think foxsbiscuit might be right, and that your DH may be getting his ducks in a row, so that's just something to bear in mind, I guess.

Flowers Hope you are ok.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 05/03/2019 07:58

I understand that you have a lot going on, but waiting until you feel strong /brave enough to cope with something doesn't really work - you have to do brave things THEN you feel brave, not the other way around.

I am also concerned that you may in fact be giving him time to get his ducks in a row. Is there any reason why you can't see a financial advisor much, much sooner? Like, tomorrow? Call in sick to work, pretend a friend has an emergency, etc.

I know you want time to process this, but playing detective on a cheating spouse, second guessing everything, trying to work out what's true and whats a lie, all the time concealing your feelings and pretending you are fine - all of this is so, so bad for your mental health. You will be grinding yourself down and putting yourself in a far worse headspace the longer you stay in this situation.

You don't need proof he is cheating. You don't need to catch him out or make him confess. You know it is the truth. And you can divorce him without him ever admitting it (divorces in the UK aren't punitive, ie: it will not affect the divorce settlement if you are the wronged party. The judge won't grant you a larger share because of your husbands bad behaviour). So don't fixate too much on proof - it won't help you financially and its a toss up whether it would mean your husband admits it. Cheaters maintain the most breathtaking lies in the face of overwhelming evidence. You may think that you want your children to know it wasn't your fault - how your children process the divorce is a long game, and it depends far more on the behaviour of both parents in the weeks, months and years after the separation than it does on questions of fault.

Nicecupofcoco · 05/03/2019 07:59

I don't have much advice I'm afraid but wantet to say that I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a meal with them, although I understand you have no choice at the moment. Just get things in order as soon as you can and get rid! Hugs to you. Flowers

justilou1 · 05/03/2019 08:10

I would suggest that before he leaves you, get the best divorce lawyer that money can buy.... ASAFP!!! Go for his left testicle!

Tentomidnight · 05/03/2019 08:20

What an intolerable situation. Have you considered that the majority of your stress is probably being caused by knowing that your husband is cheating, and carrying the burden of the grief and uncertainty around in secret? Don’t underestimate what this will do to your mental health (I have the tshirt unfortunately). Please confide in somebody irl, even if it’s a counsellor or your GP.

LemonTT · 05/03/2019 08:21

I can’t agree more with what @FineWordsForAPorcupine has written.

There is no reason not to speak to your DH now. Tell him you want to end the marriage and don’t debate the affair. Own your truth and tell him it is not negotiable if he wants things to be amicable.

You can both agree to put your children first until the exams are over and agree to protect them from fallout of the affair. At the moment it is a bomb waiting to explode and you can’t control that. In fact you could incite a reaction that puts events beyond your control.

The finances are what they are. Make sure you have up to date information about savings/debt, equity and pensions and have enough income to live off until the CMS kicks in. Remember descending into acrimony will cost you money and him money. It will hurt the children and it will hurt you.

Milomonster · 05/03/2019 09:35

I’m so sorry - just read your updates. Is there any chance you get a counselor to support you through this? You are dealing with a lot and I worry about how much you are holding in. Again, I admire your strength and dignity.

buzzbobbly · 05/03/2019 09:42

There are some horrible replies on this thread. OP has clearly said she is sorting her life and finances out, as well as managing personal level of what she can cope with and needs to do that before she can proceed.

How about we support her in that instead of all the grand statements about what others would do and what OP should do.

downcasteyes · 05/03/2019 09:47

I don't think there is anything wrong with waiting, as long as it is a matter of 'I'm going to get my ducks in line and then act' and not a symptom of hesitation or fear to take action.

I have a friend who knew her husband was cheating and who somehow managed to keep it together to move money/see a solicitor/get organised/gather conclusive evidenceof the affair. Her divorce went pretty smoothly, in part because she was just so well prepared. It can be a very effective strategy, if you have the emotional calmness and decisiveness to pull it off.

notacooldad · 05/03/2019 09:58

I understand why you can't do anything at this minute but you are giving your hand away too easy and alerting your DH that you know.
If you are. Planning on leaving and just bidding your time I would suggest that you cut out the comments such as ' I don't fancy a tart'. Everyone with you would have known that was a did including your B and S IL.
I would have been furious about the leg rub but let it go. While you have knowledge you have power. Don't blow it to soon if you have a time line you are working towards.

Good luck, BTW she is not your rival anyway.

notacooldad · 05/03/2019 09:59

Everyone with you would have known that was a did including your B and S IL. Meant dig!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/03/2019 10:05

I don’t want to alert them to the fact that I know what is going on as it will drive them to be more careful and I will have less evidence.

They know that you know. She rubbed his leg in front of him and you kicked him to show that you'd seen it.
They know that you know and they don't care.

Can you see a financial advisor earlier? I don't think you'll be able to drag this out for months and the other people going to meals with you all may feel very awkward that you all knew what was going on and they were dragged into things. Nobody will come off well, and it won't help your stress levels.

Do you intend to try and make this work with him?

She isn't considering you a rival. Shes not your rival. She's a woman who is brazenly sleeping with your husband, while you turn a blind eye.

Speaking to a financial advisor is absolutely the right thing to do before you do anything else, but you need to do that quickly.