I believe H is having an affair – help me to deal with meeting OW socially while I get ready to confront H

[WantToBeStrong]

I have posted about H and the OW on another thread but don’t want to hijack that thread.

I have reason to believe that H is having an affair with a childhood friend. I am currently trying to get my ducks in a row before I confront him.

At the weekend I had to see OW socially – she is also a friend of SIL and was staying with SIL and BIL at the weekend – SIL and BIL invited H and me to join them (and OW) for a meal at a pub/restaurant. I thought it would look very odd if I didn’t go, and thought that if I did go I could keep an eye on them. H sat next to OW in the restaurant and I noticed her rubbing her leg along his. As soon as I could, I kicked him under the table and made eye contact with him. I then sat so I could see their feet and would be able to see if it happened again – it didn’t.

I know I am going to have to have a meal with them again next month – there is no question of my not going on that occasion as it is an organised event with a group of people H and I know – so again friends and acquaintances of mine/ours. H has invited them along and booked places for them. I want to go to the event and would not want to call out H and OW at the event and behave badly in front of people whose opinion I respect.

This is excruciating for me, and I am trying to cope by being the bigger and better person, being good company and making good conversation. Yesterday I managed to work into the conversation “I don’t fancy a tart” (while choosing from the menu), which amused me. OW also paid for everyone’s meal. I am in two minds about this – on the one hand she has spent her money on me (her rival), but on the other she might feel she has paid me for the right to the time and attention of my H. (I would like to pay her back for my meal but can't do so other than through H.) I don’t want to alert them to the fact that I know what is going on as it will drive them to be more careful and I will have less evidence.

I am undecided as to how to handle the confrontation when the time comes, but I am not ready for that yet. That will depend on what happens in the next couple of months.

So – while I try to cope with this awful situation – how should I handle meeting OW socially before I am ready to confront?

By kicking him and making comments you are alerting them to the fact you know - or it would have happened again.

She has already won. If she is sitting right in front of you running YOUR HUSBANDS LEG with hers then she has won. He clearly doesn't care or respect you and neither does she. Get some self respect and see an advisor sooner. There is NO way I'd sit with them when he chooses to sit next to her and get felt up!!!! Ergh.

@balls read her replies. She has explained clearly why she can’t.

"She has already won."

No she hasn't. Because:

A. It's not a competition.
B. The husband is very far from a "prize".

We have to stop referring to each other as if we are in competition with all other women for male attention!

It was the op who called her a rival not me.
She is acting so freely with your husband and so disrespectfully (him too¡) she is acting like she already has. Him, and the fact it's in front of your sil and bil probably points to the fact they all know.

"It was the op who called her a rival not me."

So let's get away from that language, rather than mirroring it back.

Rather than going to see a financial adviser, who I can't really see will be much help, see a solicitor ASAP. It shouldn't take months to organise. The longer you leave it, when they so clearly know that you know, the longer he has to get his ducks in row.

Get legal advice and sort it out now.

Your financial position will not improve by waiting.

OP, I don't have any advice. You know what you are going to do and you are being very smart about it. I just wanted to say that you don't need to wanttobestrong. You alreadyarestrong! I'm filled with admiration for how you are handling this. Best of luck to you xxx

I think you are putting your mental and emotional energy into playing detective on your husband and OW.

When in fact you need to invest that energy into securing your financial position, finding proof of all martial assets and getting legal advice. You can see a financial advisor and solicitor NOW.

You seem to be focusing on creating a big dramatic showdown confrontation with your husband. This is foolish. You are not writing an episode of a soap opera, this is real life.

You imagine that you can keep the respect of your husbands family if you do this right. You almost certainly can’t. Most families will side with their relative, whatever he has done. Look at the families who stand by rapists and murderers, saying that she drove him to it.

You need to focus on YOUR future and that of your children , not on being right.

Really @bettysmomma ?
Fascinating.
Reported.

Why? Why eke it out? Get your ducks in a row quickly and get him out of there. You'll just cause yourself more stress and heartache in the long run if you don't act soon. Don't waste any more of your precious life on these scumbags!

WTBS, I read your comments on the other thread that you referenced. You are frightened about separating and feel grief over your losses. Of course these are normal emotions, but if allowed to take over, they can hamstring and keep you from moving forward.

Last month H lied about his weekend whereabouts (said stag do) and was actually with OW, SIL and BIL at a restaurant attached to a Travelodge. SIL put this on Facebook. You assumed that H and OW had spent the night together at the hotel.

You didn’t confront H, because if you acknowledged any of this, you “would have to do something about it.” You are trying to carry on and not think about it. At times you are angrier at OW than at H.

I agree with others that H may be gearing up to leave you for OW. Your in-laws are facilitating this, as they were present in the cozy group at the hotel restaurant, while you were excluded.

H does not care about your feelings or respect your dignity. He is having an affair in plain sight. To be brazenly leg-rubbing at the table was despicable. They were having a date right there, and he was making a fool of you. His previous lie about the February weekend while publicly cavorting with OW further demonstrates his sense of entitlement to betray you and treat you with contempt.

H already knows that you know. You were confronting him when you kicked him under the table, and when you made the ‘tart’ remark. He is going forward with that knowledge.

With respect, you are stalling. Several weeks ago in the other thread, you said you’d made arrangements to see the financial advisor, but now it won’t happen for a few more weeks. You mentioned your preference for taking “baby steps.”

You will never find your perfect moment or your perfect evidence, but you absolutely have enough right now to end your marriage. The lying and intimate leg touching would be enough for me.

You are wasting your time raging about this irrelevant OW. Playing games with words to insult her, focusing on the meaning of her paying for meals, worrying about how to socialize with her—all are distractions. Personally, I wouldn’t even go to the upcoming event. Why give H another chance to publicly humiliate you?

I would take action soon. Effectively dealing with his lying and infidelity should be your priority. I would get financial/legal advice ASAP. You can do it. You are putting your mental health and overall well-being at risk by swallowing your torment and procrastinating, while he is making a mockery of you. All of your plans don’t have to be finalized before you make a stand.

Thank you for the supportive replies. At work today I had decided to ask MN to pull the thread, after some of the comments I had yesterday. So thank you to those who have been helpful today.

H is home this evening so this will be my only post tonight.

The financial advisor appointment is soon enough. Yes, it’s possible H is also getting ducks in a row. I agree I need to find a solicitor. Any tips as to how to find a good one?

I haven’t told anyone irl. Most of my friends know H and I would find it awkward (and embarrassing) and wouldn’t want to put anyone in a difficult position.

Work is stressful but I agree that all this is adding to it. And yes, I probably should hold back on some of the comments. And I absolutely can’t jeopardise my DC’s exams.

I will try to update later I’m the week.

Thank you again for the support.

Will your DC be at this event with the OW? I really don’t think that is acceptable.

I would call her and cancel the invitation. She won’t ask why.

You literally just need to google divorce lawyers in your area and make an appointment ASAP.
I'm a financial adviser. I couldn't do shit for you. I could tell you which stocks to buy, where to invest, that if your bank is informed of separation steps will be taken to stop transfer/sale of shares, advise you of paperwork to transfer shares etc. But I couldn't give you advice on splitting assets because I'm not a solicitor.
*
You need a solicitor. Call one.*

If my DH had lied about his whereabouts and gone for a meal with family and OW and excluded me, he would be in surgery having his balls reattached. There would be no opportunity for him and OW to rub their legs together in my presence, because I wouldn't be there.

Why are you putting yourself through this? Sod veiled comments about 'tarts' and waiting weeks to see a financial advisor, book these appointments tomorrow and take control. Surely you must see that you deserve better than this?

Tbf, waiting for the dc to finish exams in June is a valid reason to wait.

The only one though.

But the affair could be exposed any day in any way to the son. The parents need to stop this charade and acknowledge to each other that their marriage is over. Then agree how they can to protect and support their son to do his exams. If that means they put on an act & don’t tell him fine.

Waiting for DC to finish exams is a good reason for not leaving until June.

It’s NOT a good reason to not see a solicitor and get all your ducks in a row in order to leave in June. It takes planning.

If she starts to plan In June, it won’t be a good time because it’s the school summer holidays. Then before you know it will nearly be Christmas and then the children will have more exams in January and May.

If you have two or more teenagers then it can be a decade or more of exams twice a year.

I suspect the Op is making no concrete plans because she believes that if she can do the “ confrontation “ right, her H will be so overcome by the strength of her evidence that he will break down and declare undying love to her.

Whereas we know that they rarely, if ever, do. They lie and dissemble or blame you for being a shit wife or crazy and paranoid.

Or say “ I’m glad it’s out in the open now, it’s over and I’m leaving you”.

Given that this affair is with a family friend and BIL and SIL know about it, I fear the last one.

Unfortunately IMOGEN talks absolute sense. The family support is already there. The confrontation doesn’t look like it’s going to affect the outcome.

msdoglady and imogen are spot on here.

Given his behaviour, I'd be surprised if he hasn't left before June. Get advice now or you'll be even more blindsided.

Can you set up some bills or invent a few, so you have a slush fund, my friends husband left her with no money, he even moved his wages to a different account so that months bills all bounced .