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Original poster

Partner/sex - incident at weekend, would welcome views on this?

104 replies

Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:10

To gove a bit of background we're both mid 40s, together for 5 years. In the very beginning our sex life was pretty good. However after about 6 months I had some gynae issues, and he then had some serious health problems both of which really impacted our sex life. Those are all now largely resolved...but we then both put on significant weight. I especially felt huge and unattractive.

Last year I thought enough is enough and made changes in my diet and lifestyle. Ive now lost 5st and am smaller than when we met. I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel attractive. He has also started exercising again and is now fitter and lighter. For years when we did have sex (once a month or so) he would have problems maintaining an erection, moving or changing position meant he would lose it and we'd have to start again, so sex would typically take well over an hour.

As his fitness has improved this seems to be less of a problem, he also now takes cialis on occasion to help. No issue wirh that. However sex is still (to me) protracted because it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. At the weekend it was over 1.5 hours.

For me if I'm honest that is too long. I have never had a partner who took more than 10 minutes. But he seems to equate enjoyment with it lasting that long.

Thr other issue is that I can't lie on my back with my legs in the air for 90 minutes, so we often end up with me face down or on my side and I find that unenjoyable and a bit demeaning. He did this for about 15 mins at the weekend he picked up (after) that I wasn't into it when I tried to explain why he got quite offended and said well I'd never had a problem with it before and I can't keep my legs up for long enough so no other position was possible. And then was really off with me for the next day.

Is it me? I get the feeling he thinks these long sessions are amazong but honestly I'd be happy with 15 minutes. In fact on a busy day 5 would do.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 04/03/2019 09:12

So he's just pumping away for 90 mins?

Your poor vagina.

I'd nope the fuck out of there. He needs to wank for an hour first. Let his hand get red raw instead of you.

stilllearnin · 04/03/2019 09:22

Hi OP. I should think you both know the communication needs to be better (possibly on both sides). It’s a very delicate area and I have found it hard to talk about without misunderstandings and basically my fella feeling judged etc. With my dp I approach it in quite a no nonsense way. I tell him none of this is meant to hurt or upset him and that we are a bloody fantastic couple and we can definitely sort this out. But your guy might need a different approach.

I’m reading a great book - Men and Sex.

I think most of all don’t let this fester - sex issues really undermine happiness x

DorindaLestrange · 04/03/2019 09:27

IMO he is taking an abnormally long time. I would absolutely not be up for the boring doink-doink ultramarathon either.

Plus - does it not concern him that you aren't getting much out of his Duracell bunny act? Presumably even an hour or so of it isn't getting you to orgasm? Doesn't say much for his technique.

Whether he is 'abnormal' in taking this long to get to orgasm isn't really the point, I think. What matters is that sex needs to be enjoyable and satisfactory for both of you. At the moment it seems mostly - or only - enjoyable for him, and he doesn't seem to think that's a problem or have any interest in changing it. That's a real problem.

ukgift2016 · 04/03/2019 09:29

I would get bored if sex went on for that long.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/03/2019 09:32

Nope. My husband and I are the same age as you, 90 minutes of pumping? Fuck that shit! Is he able to come before? I hate to say it but does he use porn? It does sound like he's desensitised himself.

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 04/03/2019 09:33

Hi OP..just to say it might be worth if you can upping the seduction and the foreplay.Keep the foreplay up for as long as he can stand it then and only then do you have sex.It might be worth a try in getting him to a reasonable finish time and you might enjoy it better too if he can focus the same attention on you too?

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:34

I've never had a vaginal orgasm or ever come close tbh, he does get me to orgasm by hand (as it were) but that takes 10 mins max usually. It's not like he leaves me completely unsatisfied but more that it just goes on too long for me, and I dont like being face down its demeaning, I can't move and also it rubs my urethra which is uncomfortable.

OP posts:
MonstranceClock · 04/03/2019 09:38

Have you tried other positions together? I wouldn't be able to cum either if I was stuck in missionary for the whole thing. Is there a reason why you find certain positions demeaning?

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:38

We've taken a long time with foreplay first before penetration but it still takes an hour (from first penetration). He used to use porn historically but hasn't since shortly after we got together. Wanking first wouldn't help as once he's reached orgasm thats it, he can't go again until the next day.

OP posts:
NameChangeNugget · 04/03/2019 09:39

PIV isn’t the only answer.

Have you tried a flavoured lube?

ElspethFlashman · 04/03/2019 09:39

You're going to get cystitis soon. It's really not on. You're going to have to start prioritising your own self. Stop being understanding to your own detriment.

ElspethFlashman · 04/03/2019 09:40

But he could wank until just before he's ready to go? Get himself worked up?

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:42

For me any position where I can't move is pretty demeaning- I feel as though I am a hole being fucked rather than an active participant. I could literally be anyone. I am happy to be on top, or missionary. But he finds me too heavy if I'm on top for long, and missionary about an hour of my legs up around my ears is my limit.

OP posts:
takeitorleaveitlove · 04/03/2019 09:48

I'd have died of boredom!

sayhiforme · 04/03/2019 09:50

Oh dear god no. Can think of nothing worse that being thrusted at for 90 minutes! I crossed my legs reading that.

PrismGuile · 04/03/2019 09:51

Jesus, that sounds shit. 5-15 mins of the actual act is sufficient as the rest of the time should be spent on long, sensual foreplay/kissing etc.
90mins? I'd be sore as anything. do you get a lot of UTIs?

ShesABelter · 04/03/2019 09:53

That sounds not enjoyable at all..90 minutes. Wow. Is it always so long? There's more than legs up in the air, on your side or face down though. I don't think I could deal with that to be honest.

ILikeyourHairyHands · 04/03/2019 09:54

Is this a recent development or has he always been like this?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 04/03/2019 09:55

But he finds me too heavy if I'm on top for long Use that! Ask him how he thinks you feel with him on top for over an hour?

You need to find some way to get him to listen to you... he seems determined not to at the moment!

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 10:01

It's always taken a long time but that used to be because he would often lose erection so it would be say 10 mins then I'd maybe move to change position and he'd lose it, so then another 10-15 mins to get it back by hand, and repeat that 2 or 3 times til he finally reached orgasm.

OP posts:
MadameDD · 04/03/2019 10:03

I used to have this with an ex - he liked to delay his orgasm so ended up pumping away and not coming for ages... and yes probably 90 minutes too - eventually I got bored though.

30 minutes would be more than enough for me.

No suggestions apart from the word NO!

Justaboy · 04/03/2019 10:03

I suspect that somethingh else is wrong it is very awkward keeping your body in ther same positions for those ammount's of times. I very much think that professional medical help is soreley needed! pardon the pun. This just isn't right for the both of you. You have done very well to sort out the weight and fitness issues but it needs further "work" yet.

I hope that you can get him to seek that, it seems a great shame to shall we say sabotage the work you have done so far. FWIW and IMHO a lot of women either don't, or find it difficult to cum from PIV sex sometimes oral is a much better bet but what is best is when her brain is activly engaged with her partner that works best of all but that is being inhibited by these time to pop problems and if not treated will deteroiate further sad to say.

kingfisherblue33 · 04/03/2019 10:15

Why do you have to have your legs up in missionary position? Can't you just have your knees up and feet flat on bed? I'd like to see your h lie with his legs up for an hour.

And why does he find you too heavy to be on top? He goes on top of you, doesn't he? He sounds selfish and unreasonable.

It's no fun to have PIV sex for 90 minutes. Fucking boring. Boring fucking! And you'll be sore and raw. You have to tell him this. Agree tyou could ask him to wank unti he's close to coming.

But I don't think he's unreasonable liking different positions - why does doggy style or side-by-side sex feel demeaning? Could you explore some other positions together?

Sounds like he's had ED problems for years, so I'm not sure what the answer is. A visit to the GP for him? His sulking would put me right off him, though.

downcasteyes · 04/03/2019 10:25

I don't think the length of time is the only issue here (though it is significant)- it's also the way that the sex is happening. He's being pretty selfish, and paying little attention to your needs or desires.

You are going to have to have a serious, grownup discussion about this. I think a lot of men are trained to think that long sex must equal good sex, so disabusing him of that notion might be quite important.

LimitIsUp · 04/03/2019 10:30

Just throwing this out there - sex isn't mandatory in a long term relationship. Do you both really want to resolve this? (is it worth the effort?)