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Original poster

Partner/sex - incident at weekend, would welcome views on this?

104 replies

Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:10

To gove a bit of background we're both mid 40s, together for 5 years. In the very beginning our sex life was pretty good. However after about 6 months I had some gynae issues, and he then had some serious health problems both of which really impacted our sex life. Those are all now largely resolved...but we then both put on significant weight. I especially felt huge and unattractive.

Last year I thought enough is enough and made changes in my diet and lifestyle. Ive now lost 5st and am smaller than when we met. I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel attractive. He has also started exercising again and is now fitter and lighter. For years when we did have sex (once a month or so) he would have problems maintaining an erection, moving or changing position meant he would lose it and we'd have to start again, so sex would typically take well over an hour.

As his fitness has improved this seems to be less of a problem, he also now takes cialis on occasion to help. No issue wirh that. However sex is still (to me) protracted because it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. At the weekend it was over 1.5 hours.

For me if I'm honest that is too long. I have never had a partner who took more than 10 minutes. But he seems to equate enjoyment with it lasting that long.

Thr other issue is that I can't lie on my back with my legs in the air for 90 minutes, so we often end up with me face down or on my side and I find that unenjoyable and a bit demeaning. He did this for about 15 mins at the weekend he picked up (after) that I wasn't into it when I tried to explain why he got quite offended and said well I'd never had a problem with it before and I can't keep my legs up for long enough so no other position was possible. And then was really off with me for the next day.

Is it me? I get the feeling he thinks these long sessions are amazong but honestly I'd be happy with 15 minutes. In fact on a busy day 5 would do.

OP posts:
Steeve · 04/03/2019 12:02

I'm really sorry but these are the classic signs of porn addiction/dependence and "death grip" wanking.

Losing an erection is extremely common in these circumstances, and if he is taking Cialis (does he have a medical issue he needs it for? Is it privately prescribed? Or is he buying it from a pharmacy/black market?) it's even more of a concern. Cialis, and the other drugs like it, increase blood flow to the penis, increasing strength of erection (firmer, harder penis, some additional length and girth, delayed orgasm - not 90 fucking minutes though). For the effects of Cialis et al to work, the recipient has to be aroused. His losing his erection after taking such a drug whilst having sex with you is another indication of porn dependency, and "death grip" wanking. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he was taking the Cialis whilst watching porn.

It also sounds like he is very selfish, only caring about his own needs and wants. He's tuned out with regards to satisfying you, a mere clitoral rub for a single orgasm for you he perceives as all you need and a direct correlation to what he perceives as your worth.

I'm really sorry to have had to type this - for transparency, if not obvious from my username, I'm male.

tattooq · 04/03/2019 12:04

I think a lot of men are under the impression that long sex = good sex because of the fear of premature ejaculation being so prevalent. My ex used to wank several times before we were going to have sex and then take forever to achieve orgasm, and expecting me to keep up pornstar like enthusiasm for the whole damn time when I was usually done after 15 mins or so. It doesn't sound like you've ever had satisfying sex with your partner though OP, it might just be time to call it a day.

Wakk · 04/03/2019 12:06

Oh no. Fuck that. You say he's doing it on purpose as he thinks it's better to last a long time?

No. I'd ditch him for that alone.

trulybadlydeeply · 04/03/2019 12:16

I also can't understand why your legs have to be up by your ears for all that time?? Of course, it can be nice like that for a while, but for 90 minutes? I think most of us would be in agony by then.

He's definitely still watching porn, by what you've said. More than he ever did as well, is my guess. How is your relationship aside from the sex issues?

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 12:21

He doesn't lose erection now. That was an issue previously and I thought then was why sex took a long time because it was kind of foreplay/ penetration, lose erection then back to the beginning. So we would do several repeats of that before he got there.

At first, 5 or so years ago, he didn't lose erection. It took time but not quite as long, up to an hour maybe. We still had to do some side by side as he couldn't go on top for all that time but i didnt seem to mind it then.

With all our various issues sex became infrequent and that's when he started losing erection.

For the last few months since I lost weight we've been having sex more frequently. He works away in the week so we only see each other at weekends. In that time we've had some sex without medication which was less prolonged. But if hes got any anxiety or if it's been a while (I was on my period 2 weekends ago, and then last weekend I was working so didnt see him) he takes cialis as an insurance policy with the resultant effects.

I've never had a uti luckily.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 12:26

It doesn't seem to work unless I have my legs up, whether thats in the air, knees up by my chest or legs wrapped round him - but if I put my legs down he doesn't seem to be able to stay in.

He doesn't watch porn any more, I can be certain of that as he doesn't have a smartphone and his only computer is at work.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 04/03/2019 12:30

If I can be really frank, it doesn't sound like this is doing it for either of you... if it's taking 90 minutes, nobody is enjoying it.

Can you talk about that? About how to make it better for everyone?

downcasteyes · 04/03/2019 12:31

"I'm really sorry but these are the classic signs of porn addiction/dependence and "death grip" wanking."

But there are LOTS of other causes of erectile dysfunction - both psychological and physical. The automatic association of this problem with porn is part of the problem. It's stigmatising and likely to make it more difficult for some men to seek treatment for a range of conditions that can underlie this response. In this case, from what the OP says, anxiety is likely to be a factor.

Margot33 · 04/03/2019 12:34

My legs would be cramping after an hour in the air! I'd seriously would be peeved if it's an hour, every single time! Your poor lady bits! Glad mine only lasts ten minutes, that's enough for me! Could it be delayed ejaculation? Is it worth seeing his GP they might be able to give him some medication to help. It might help.

StripeyChina · 04/03/2019 12:38

Can i ask why prolonged PIV would cause a UTI pls?

SoaringSwallow · 04/03/2019 12:47

OP you're excusing him. You love or care about him so that's normal. But it doesn't change the reality: he's doing what he wants and not caring that it's not pleasurable for you.

You are not obliged to have sex for 90 minutes for him. He's certainly not affording you the same luxury.

And in 90 minutes with a partner who is as focused on your pleasure as your current DP is on his, you could have quite a few orgasms in that time!

Also worth paying attention to him shutting down discussion of this. There is only allowed to be the type of sexual communication he wants, either physically or verbally.

lottielady · 04/03/2019 12:54

Nope.

NecessaryOnABicycle · 04/03/2019 12:54

As an aside (and not, I realise, focussing in the real issue) why do you need to have your feet in the air for missionary? Your legs spread with your knees up and out and feet on the bed, or knees dropped to the side like for a smear test should work and make it a bit less exhausting for you until you can resolve the overarching problems.

loobyloo1234 · 04/03/2019 13:08

Has he had many sexual partners OP? Surely not many women would put up with this? I would definitely fall asleep speak to him about this and say you aren't enjoying it for that amount of time

Steeve · 04/03/2019 13:21

Yeah, I did suggest a possible medical issue too.

Cambionome · 04/03/2019 14:02

Have you actually told him you are not enjoying the 90 minute sessions, op?

DragAndDrop · 04/03/2019 16:52

I still can't get over 90 mins. Dear god that's horrific.

ScorpiaForCatra · 04/03/2019 17:02

Basic core of any relationship is responding to your partner's concerns / worries / issues etc.

"Darling, I don't enjoy +insert whatever the issue is+"

That should lead to a partner promising to work with you to find a solution you're both happy with.
Anything less and they're showing you that you matter less to them than they do themselves.

So in OPs case, talk to him, tell him. If he makes no attempt at making sex enjoyable for you and just worries about what he likes, it tells you all you need to know.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/03/2019 17:03

So...let me see if I have this right. He likes you with your legs in the air, you find it uncomfortable, but do it. He likes you on your side, and face down, which you find demeaning, but do it. You like to be on top, which he finds uncomfortable, so he doesn't let you do it.

Hmm, does he actually give a flying fuck what you get out of it?

Chocfritter · 04/03/2019 17:08

90 minutes? Grim.

TwitterLovesMAPs · 04/03/2019 17:13

Sounds awful. You must be so relieved when it’s over. I can’t imagine that being the rest of my life. My vagina might defensively seal itself shut.

BumbleBeee69 · 04/03/2019 17:17

so the Sex is all about him right Hmm

brainache78 · 04/03/2019 17:36

@StripeyChina

I believe (as a UTI sufferer - often the result of sex) prolonged PIV can cause a UTI for a couple of reasons. Your urethra can get inflamed from persistent rubbing - as will happen in PIV sex depending on the proximity of the urethra to the vagina.

It can also cause teeny tears which can be infected.

If the penis in question is not squeaky clean it can kind of rub bacteria into the urethra which can then travel upwards to the bladder.

I've always assumed this is why, anyway! Anyone medical can come and put it straighter.

This does sound like hard work.

I'm concerned about the fact that you feel being on your side or on your front as demeaning. I can see how it could feel that way. I have felt that way with a couple of people in my life - however, if the sex is affectionate and demonstrative, neither position is demeaning. If they are kissing you, caressing you, holding your hands and being in it with you, instead of doing it to you, it is no more demeaning that being face to face. So that rings alarm bells for me too. You shouldn't feel like a wank sock in any position.

Notcoolmum · 04/03/2019 17:38

The man I’m dating takes ages to orgasm too. Although we have managed a couple of quickies thankfully.
He is, however, very attentive to my needs so I won’t complain too much. I’m used to being able to make a man finish with a quick BJ so a bit stumped when that doesn’t work!!

StormTreader · 04/03/2019 18:01

It's no wonder you're having issues around feeling like "I feel as though I am a hole being fucked rather than an active participant." because that's how you're being treated.

Incidentally, positions with your legs right up in the air tend to stretch things and make you feel "tighter" which is yet another sign of the death grip being an issue.