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Original poster

Partner/sex - incident at weekend, would welcome views on this?

104 replies

Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:10

To gove a bit of background we're both mid 40s, together for 5 years. In the very beginning our sex life was pretty good. However after about 6 months I had some gynae issues, and he then had some serious health problems both of which really impacted our sex life. Those are all now largely resolved...but we then both put on significant weight. I especially felt huge and unattractive.

Last year I thought enough is enough and made changes in my diet and lifestyle. Ive now lost 5st and am smaller than when we met. I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel attractive. He has also started exercising again and is now fitter and lighter. For years when we did have sex (once a month or so) he would have problems maintaining an erection, moving or changing position meant he would lose it and we'd have to start again, so sex would typically take well over an hour.

As his fitness has improved this seems to be less of a problem, he also now takes cialis on occasion to help. No issue wirh that. However sex is still (to me) protracted because it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. At the weekend it was over 1.5 hours.

For me if I'm honest that is too long. I have never had a partner who took more than 10 minutes. But he seems to equate enjoyment with it lasting that long.

Thr other issue is that I can't lie on my back with my legs in the air for 90 minutes, so we often end up with me face down or on my side and I find that unenjoyable and a bit demeaning. He did this for about 15 mins at the weekend he picked up (after) that I wasn't into it when I tried to explain why he got quite offended and said well I'd never had a problem with it before and I can't keep my legs up for long enough so no other position was possible. And then was really off with me for the next day.

Is it me? I get the feeling he thinks these long sessions are amazong but honestly I'd be happy with 15 minutes. In fact on a busy day 5 would do.

OP posts:
HoustonBess · 04/03/2019 10:37

Could you use some kind of sex toy to get him there faster? Butt plug or vibrating cock ring or something?

DarlingNikita · 04/03/2019 10:49

Yeah, I'd try a sex toy too.

Original poster
Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 10:53

I dont think he would be up for that if I'm honest. He enjoys penetration , thats what really does it for him, and he wants it to last as long as possible.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 04/03/2019 10:59

He may want it to last as long as possible but you don’t. Sex is about mutual pleasure. If he wants sustained pleasure maybe he needs to look at pleasuring himself using sex toys rather than masturbation as that will exacerbate the situation.

ElspethFlashman · 04/03/2019 11:01

Then you're the wrong woman for him, tbh.

As would 99% of women be I'd wager. The amount of women who want to be rutted joylessly for 90 mins is vanishingly small.

This could be the rest of your life, OP. Think deeply on it.

TheCreativeLife · 04/03/2019 11:06

he wants it to last as long as possible

hmm and what thought does he give for your enjoyment?

I'm in the 10 mins tops camp. Ideally 5 or less. I don't like being sore. 90 mins is out of the question. I once had a relationship with a man who thought that lasting FOR EVER was somehow something to be proud of, but it I ended up hating having sex with him and ultimately witholding it altogether because it was clear he was only interested in his own enjoyment.

MaxNormal · 04/03/2019 11:09

Extended sex is the pits. Boring, painful, causes UTIs. A few minutes of actual penetration is just fine.

bluejelly · 04/03/2019 11:15

What about oral? Might get him there quicker?

ConferencePear · 04/03/2019 11:16

Take a book and read it over his shoulder.

JaneEyre07 · 04/03/2019 11:19

That sounds like torture OP. Not remotely pleasurable.

Are you honestly compatible?

Whereareyouspot · 04/03/2019 11:21

The you are incompatible

It’s entitely ok and correct for you to say no I don’t like long sex I find it boring and it makes me sore

He insists on 90mins

Then you are incompatible

HoustonBess · 04/03/2019 11:22

Buy him a fleshlight and wave him goodbye.

Sex is about mutual pleasure. Not him proving something to himself while you try to avoid getting leg cramp.

You need to be honest with him about what really works for you and if he's not prepared to find a way that makes you both happy, then he's probably not worthy of you.

Wild123 · 04/03/2019 11:26

5-15 mins of the actual act is more than enough for me too..I'm usually done in 5 and then i hope he will be done soon after too. 90 minutes would dry me up and make me sore. Luckily me and my DP are on the same page.

I think you are both incompatible

QuirkyQuark · 04/03/2019 11:26

Apart from the boredom going at it for that length of time, I'd be at the Gp weekly with a uti if I did this. And I'm not prepared to put my health second to my husbands 'needs'.
You need to have a chat about how unfair this is on you.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 04/03/2019 11:30

Blimey. What a complete turn-off.
How often do you have to tolerate/endure this?

Mondrian · 04/03/2019 11:32

Partnership is about compromises - can you guys not meet in the middle between you 15min & his 90 min - perhaps 50min?

Not sure how often you are doing it now but if its quite often you will both lose some sensitivity which would prolong time to climax on the other hand he is on Cialis which gives him additional staying power - its a vicious circle that needs to be talked about between you two.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 04/03/2019 11:37

90 mins of cardio, I''m surprised he hasn't lost more weight.
My DH is pretty fit and healthy, but 90 mins solid shagging would be quite a workout for him.

winsinbin · 04/03/2019 11:38

I split up with a previous BF over just this. It made sex so joyless, him pumping away for over an hour without ever achieving an orgasm with me. If he had acknowledged it as a problem I would have been happy to support him in looking for help but he thought it was fine.

MrsJBaptiste · 04/03/2019 11:42

I used to be with someone where sex lasted for ages but more like an hiur rather than 90 minutes 😮 It just wasn't enjoyable and to be honest, quite boring. Like another poster says, can you really see yourself having sex this way for the rest of your life?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/03/2019 11:43

Pardon the obvious pun but fuck that! 90 minutes? I'd have sawdust down there by then! and friction burns.

DH has a "fragile orgasm" - if he doesn't come the first time he "should", then he will go on and on (and on and on...). But after about 15 minutes we both know it's not going to happen and it becomes much less enjoyable (sawdust comment is applicable) so we stop and give it up as a bad job. Kind of frustrating but far better than to keep banging away with no end point in sight.

Helmetbymidnight · 04/03/2019 11:46

he wants it to last as long as possible

That's the problem really - he likes the 90 minute sessions, you don't.

[Who would? 90 mins! Blimey. I get thrush just thinking about it.]

Lovemusic33 · 04/03/2019 11:47

The man I am dating at the moment is a bit like this, he enjoys penatration and can make him self last (or cum again several times) so it can last 1-2 hours. I enjoy sex but prefer to do it for 30 minutes and then maybe do it again later, 1-2 hours is just too long.

shitwithsugaron · 04/03/2019 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

79andnotout · 04/03/2019 11:55

No way I could deal with this. I would push him off after ten minutes.

gnushoes · 04/03/2019 11:56

This really doesn't sound much fun and I don't understand why your legs have to be over his shoulders - that's not the classic missionary for a start and unless you're incredibly flexible that's not really going to be sustainable over the years!
An hour would be too long. 90 minutes sounds like an endurance test and a recipe for UTIs.