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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner/sex - incident at weekend, would welcome views on this?

104 replies

Fvtnb · 04/03/2019 09:10

To gove a bit of background we're both mid 40s, together for 5 years. In the very beginning our sex life was pretty good. However after about 6 months I had some gynae issues, and he then had some serious health problems both of which really impacted our sex life. Those are all now largely resolved...but we then both put on significant weight. I especially felt huge and unattractive.

Last year I thought enough is enough and made changes in my diet and lifestyle. Ive now lost 5st and am smaller than when we met. I have a lot more confidence in myself and feel attractive. He has also started exercising again and is now fitter and lighter. For years when we did have sex (once a month or so) he would have problems maintaining an erection, moving or changing position meant he would lose it and we'd have to start again, so sex would typically take well over an hour.

As his fitness has improved this seems to be less of a problem, he also now takes cialis on occasion to help. No issue wirh that. However sex is still (to me) protracted because it takes him a very long time to reach orgasm. At the weekend it was over 1.5 hours.

For me if I'm honest that is too long. I have never had a partner who took more than 10 minutes. But he seems to equate enjoyment with it lasting that long.

Thr other issue is that I can't lie on my back with my legs in the air for 90 minutes, so we often end up with me face down or on my side and I find that unenjoyable and a bit demeaning. He did this for about 15 mins at the weekend he picked up (after) that I wasn't into it when I tried to explain why he got quite offended and said well I'd never had a problem with it before and I can't keep my legs up for long enough so no other position was possible. And then was really off with me for the next day.

Is it me? I get the feeling he thinks these long sessions are amazong but honestly I'd be happy with 15 minutes. In fact on a busy day 5 would do.

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 04/03/2019 18:08

I would suggest try introducing non penatrative “breaks” during your epic with a mix of hand and mouth work. Also try a few oral only sessions.

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/03/2019 19:32

"pumping away for 90 mins"

😂😂

Closetbeanmuncher · 04/03/2019 19:40

Can you get a fleshlight to use on him mid session to give your poor Minnie a rest?

Well done for losing the weight and you're a bloody champ for holding your legs in the air that long...Christ! 🏆🏅

Justaboy · 04/03/2019 21:08

If he is taking Viagra and at a high dose say 50 mg or more, it is on record that it can take a man quite a lot longer to pop but this 90 mins seems way out of order. I still reckon he needs professional help or else this isnt going the have the happier ending it deserves!.

WordOfTheDay · 05/03/2019 00:47

I agree with the others that the sex you are having does not sound appealing or fair. Nonetheless, regarding the position, you could adjust the missionary position so that you have bent knees and feet flat but put a pillow under your bum. That would give your pelvis a bit of a lift and give him an angle that suits him better and a leg position that would suit you better.

Bellendejour · 05/03/2019 09:16

I don’t understand why he’s saying you’re too heavy when you’re on top. I’m 9 months pregnant and my partner and I are managing okay! Sex is all on his terms and he really needs educating as to what women want/need (a lot less than 90 mins as this thread shows). Agree with PP re fears around PE, also porn gives a skewed view as the sex often goes on for ages and the woman is faking enjoyment the whole way through.
You’ve been together long enough to have a proper sit down chat about this - be honest and if he won’t try to find a solution that works for you I’d be out of there - it’s selfish and uncaring and zero fun for you.

kingfisherblue33 · 05/03/2019 09:19

He enjoys penetration , thats what really does it for him, and he wants it to last as long as possible.

It doesn't seem to work unless I have my legs up, whether thats in the air, knees up by my chest or legs wrapped round him - but if I put my legs down he doesn't seem to be able to stay in.

Hmmmm. He really doesn't seem to give a shiny shit about your enjoyment, does he??

And he should be able to stay in in missionary position with your feet on the bed.

You really have to talk to him. Sex is supposed to be about mutual pleasure.

GummyGoddess · 05/03/2019 09:34

What exactly are you doing in this time? Are you just laying there with your eyes shut or gazing into space? If you are pretending to enjoy it then stop! If you are indeed laying there bored and he continues, that is quite worrying.

Oblomov19 · 05/03/2019 09:46

Can't think of anything more awful. No thanks!!

roses2 · 05/03/2019 20:06

I am so glad I found tbis thread and now know chaffing after 10-15 min is normal. I thought there was something wrong with me for not enjoying longer sessions!

Surely it must hurt the man too Confused

AlphaSigma · 05/03/2019 20:18

90 minutes, fuck that!

MadameJimJam · 05/03/2019 21:55

What exactly are you doing in this time? Are you just laying there with your eyes shut or gazing into space? If you are pretending to enjoy it then stop! If you are indeed laying there bored and he continues, that is quite worrying.

I'd be tempted to get my phone out and do live updates on Mumsnet.

"Yes, he's still at it. 55 minutes now and counting. Hang on, I think he might be - no, no, false alarm, he's still going.

"Currently cruising at around 50bpm. I reckon his ETA is probably about 11.05pm. In the meantime, can anyone recommend a good podcast I could listen to?"

ScorpiaForCatra · 05/03/2019 21:57

90 minutes a shot, that's enough time to watch the weeks Corrie episodes. Likely more interesting TBF

GummyGoddess · 05/03/2019 22:33

@MadameJimJam I just can't believe that she could keep up enthusiasm and looking like it's enjoyable for an hour and a half! He must have some inkling that it's not actually that fun.

yearinyearout · 05/03/2019 22:44

fvtnb why would your legs need to be around your ears for missionary? Am I missing something Hmm

GummyGoddess · 05/03/2019 22:49

@yearinyearout I have been informed that having knees/legs up makes things feel tighter. Lends evidence to the death grip theory, or that he is smaller than average?

adulthumanwolf · 05/03/2019 22:52

90 fucking minutes and you don't get to orgasm? Fuck that.

Can you put headphones in and listen to a podcast? Grin

Tbh if you're getting nothing out of it and he knows it then that's just rubbish. I get bored and sore after 30 minutes.

Chocmallows · 05/03/2019 23:05

I have read some of thread, but not all. Is he on steroids or antidepressants?
Or another drug that affects ejaculation?

MadameJimJam · 06/03/2019 07:14

GummyGoddess Yes, exactly!

Scott72 · 06/03/2019 07:54

At least you know he's reasonably fit. The problem Chocmallows isn't technically ejaculation, its orgasm. Reduced level of arousal and/or reduced sensation. Could be many issues. Mumsnet is quick to blame masturbation for any male sex problems, but I suppose that might be the problem.

You would think he would realize something is very wrong with him taking so long to orgasm. If he's that unwilling to admit to any problems, it might be difficult to get to the cause of the problem, whether its excessive wanking or something else. Has he had his testosterone levels checked?

Frouby · 06/03/2019 08:10

Fuck that shit OP, he doesn't want a partner he wants a blow up doll.

This is not OK. You are not OK with it. I wouldn't be OK with it.

Have PIV sex for as long as you feel is reasonable and comfortable. Then he finishes himself off. I bet he does wank and I bet he doesn't pull at himself for 90 minutes, not only would his knob fall off but so would his arm. He can get to the point of ejaculation and then finish off inside you if he must, but do not allow him to use you in this way. It's selfish and demeaning for you and I don't know how your fanny hasn't fallen out.

Dh and I are similar ages. If he wanted 90 minute PIV sex sessions he would be going it alone. Even when we were young and horny no way could either of us done 90 minute PIV.

kingfisherblue33 · 06/03/2019 08:33

Agree with Frouby. You've been together 5 years and he's had major sex problems for all that time apart from the first six months? This ain't gonna be easy to fix. And nor will his attitude...

darthbreakz · 06/03/2019 09:45

I wonder if maybe the issue is that he's not really treating you with much respect anyway - as others have said he's not seeming to be that concerned about you enjoying the whole thing. I think it's possible to be treated as "a hole" even if you're face to face and that's not nice and I can quite understand you not being OK about that. But you need to be able to talk about it.

Being generous to him, if he's watched porn in the past he might have a bit of a skewed view of what women want (my OH did) and what not-porn sex is and should and can be, and it can take time and open communication to move past that.

How is your relationship otherwise? Does he take your wishes into account? Do you communicate well about the other stuff like money and household things etc?

Do your legs have to be in the air? Are they literally up round your ears?

CallMeBucking · 06/03/2019 10:02

"I'd nope the fuck outta that" great expression! And so true.

What you describe OP is the worst kind of (consensual) sex. Sex as drudgery. Tell him

chipsandgin · 06/03/2019 10:08

I couldn’t live with that - briefly had a boyfriend in my 20’s who was so proud of lasting so long & thought banging away for hours was good sex, I pity the poor woman he ended up with, it was incredibly tedious.

No advice sorry (apart from leaving, a lifetime of 90 minutes a time sounds horrendous..).

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