I've had a message from my ex, through a mutual friend - How do I react?

[mjvb123]

My relationship came to a nasty end back in October. After a few problems, and one argument which lead to my ex 'ghosting' me, I had to come to the conclusion that it was over.
I have nearly made 4 months NC, and it has been 4 months since I last saw him.
We have mutual friends, who I have kept in contact with. One in particular seems to have taken the position of the 'go between' and if it wasn't for him, I would be none the wiser on a few things.
I met up with said friend on Friday night, and it turns out my ex had a message for me.
He had basically told our friend to tell me, he didn't want it to end the way it did, and that there are no hard feelings on his part. And that he will possibly message at some point.
I asked my friend did my ex expect a message back? He says he doesn't know, but thinks he is playing games. He says feels like my ex has changed since the end of our relationship, and he 'clammed up' as a posed to dealing with it and talking.
If I think rationally, I know this is true too. He wants to know whether he's still on my mind, he wants me to come crawling back, so that he doesn't have to put any effort in.
I will NOT text him. I have promised myself this, but should I give a message back through my friend?

No. I think the friend is relishing his go between role too much. I wouldn't communicate with your ex a) unless you want to and b) other than directly.

NO, I would not reply to anyone who ghosted me, period.

No, why would you? Silence is the best response.

Please value yourself more than this and your 'friend' isn't a friend of yours

I suspect you have spent a long time processing and healing from the relationship and subsequent break up/ghosting.

Now you're stronger and wiser. Just because he's bored now, or feels that HE'S ready to contact you again doesn't mean you should be the puppet to his strings.

No message, as gratifying as it might be to tell him to piss off, don’t waste the headspace on someone who ghosted you.

I do want to talk to him, but only because I want answers.
BUT I do know that I've done 'my bit' and the ball isn't in my court, it's in his.
It's hard because I'm not over him, I still love him very much, so to think rationally and not emotionally is challenging.
I just wonder if I do respond, then it might prompt him to have some balls and discuss the end of our relationship and therefore allow us both to move on?

No response is the best response, and I would put a stop to your go between friend feeding off the drama. Every time he brings up your ex just say you'd rather not talk about it.

@Insomnibrat
Yes I have spent so so much time processing and trying to heal, and although I'm not as bad as I was, I know I still have a way to go.
Yes, it does kind of feel like I've been left to wait for him to be ready. I guess he's testing the water to see how responsive I'd be?
I've really been working to learn the lessons from this relationship, and to be better in myself. It's like every time I feel like I'm turning a corner, he's back in the frame in some way.

No, if your ex wants to initiate contact then he knows where you are, he's just fishing and getting your 'friend' to do his dirty work. I'd tell the friend that you don't want to hear anything about your ex. It's so hard but just keep working on yourself.

Classic manipulator. If you have to send back a message I think 'bugger off' would be appropriate. He made his bed, he can sleep in it. As to your own feelings about it all all you can do is distract yourself. What he did is not a healthy way to deal with relationships and/or difficult situations. It's not acceptable. Can you imagine what he would do if you did get back together. You'd be one of those woman complaining he has disappeared again cause you got into an argument and how DO YOU fix this etc etc. Don't do it to yourself.

He's narked that you might be moving on, rather than pining over him. Ignore. That ship has sailed.

I'd say no. If the way he ended the relationship was by ghosting you then he's clearly not mature, he has had 4 months to make up lies and rehearse them so your questions will probably not be answered. He's probably desperate for you to respond so the best revenge is to not respond. Give him a taste of his own medicine! Be strong!

I had to come to the conclusion that it was over.

And that was the right conclusion. The reason why isn't relevant now. He's not found anyone better in the last four months, that's all.

I have told our friend several times, to not bring up my ex. And to only tell me stuff if it's 'need to know'. I guess he felt this was one of these occasions?! Although on Friday night, he did bring him up several hundred times Even showing me videos of him in - incredibly hard for me to watch, it's the closest I've come to 'seeing' him since October.
I used to say to myself in the early days, that if he ever got back in contact I would ignore him. I was so full of hurt and anger.
I wanted him to know how it feels.
But I'm left with so much sadness that he has just faded away without explanation.
After everything we've shared it's a hard pill to swallow that this is what it's some to

Thank you to everyone who responded, you're 100% right.
A BIG no on responding!
To be honest, I could have predicted this sort of thing from him at one point.
It's classic cowardly and manipulative behaviour on his part.
To think he's actually 13 years my senior, yet I'm the one that seems to have at least tried to deal with like an adult?!
I actually said to my friend that he could have said all this to myself, he knows where I am, and if doesn't have my number anymore (I know he does) he knows where to get it. It's really not that hard!
Ah well, I will continue as I was. Because I've finally learnt, I need to start putting myself first.

No dont bother. Just ignore. Tell your friend to not bring him up again. There is nothing he could say to justify ghosting you. He's probably single again and testing the waters through said friend.

Your go between friend sounds anything but ‘friendly’ as an outsider I have to say, is their friendship worth that much to you?
Mentioning your ex loads, showing you videos etc is, to me, being a shit stirrer.
How can you work on moving on if after seeing this person you’re left in a tailspin?

I’d really recommend distancing from this person in order to give yourself time to heal. They’re ignoring what you’re asking of them, leading you to still be drawn into a life with your ex, it’s obviously taking up so much headspace for you 😕

I think you have to accept that he’s really not interested. If he loved and respected you he wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place. Now he’s thinking you will hang on for him until he finds someone else. Put yourself first and don’t give him the satisfaction. Shut this “friend” down when he starts to talk about him and say it’s over and I am not interested I have moved on. If he was sorry for how he treated you he would have contacted you directly.

That’s no friend, I’d being NC with that person too. You are doing the right thing by putting yourself first.

Im wondering why your ' friend' is showing you videos of him and talking about him when you have asked them not to, and why you are engaging with that. Does the friend have some sort of vested interest in this?
And the message itself is very half hearted. There's nothing to respond to.
If your ex wanted to contact you to apologize, he could. He hasn't done so.
Don't give him headspace, and don't say you love him, you love a fictionalized version of him that doesn't exist. Stop with the drama, and stop seeing this so called friend who is not helping you get over it at all.

If you want to stay in touch with the mutual friend (and actually I don't think you should dump your friends just because they are friends with him too)

Just be a boring grey rock. Never say anything more than 'got that' (or similar).

But if this so-called friend is bombarding you with stuff, are they really a mutual friend? Or is it one of his friends, with whom you are on amiable terms? If the former, tell them to STFU. If the latter, lower or end contact - this person is not really your friend

Your friend is a twat. I'd phase him out, and if he starts to talk about ex ever again, just get up and walk out.

The reasons he’ll give for ghosting you are not important. They’ll be all made up to make you feel sorry for him and understand why he did. He was going through a mental crisis and didn’t think he was good enough for you or whatever.
It’s all BS and doesn’t matter because the real reason is he’s a manipulating arse, as you figured out already.
Just ignore him and tell your friend to stop talking about him as you’re not interested.

Don’t get engaged in conversations expecting anseers. You won’t get the truth.

AuntieStella has got it spot on