I've had a message from my ex, through a mutual friend - How do I react?

[mjvb123]

My relationship came to a nasty end back in October. After a few problems, and one argument which lead to my ex 'ghosting' me, I had to come to the conclusion that it was over.
I have nearly made 4 months NC, and it has been 4 months since I last saw him.
We have mutual friends, who I have kept in contact with. One in particular seems to have taken the position of the 'go between' and if it wasn't for him, I would be none the wiser on a few things.
I met up with said friend on Friday night, and it turns out my ex had a message for me.
He had basically told our friend to tell me, he didn't want it to end the way it did, and that there are no hard feelings on his part. And that he will possibly message at some point.
I asked my friend did my ex expect a message back? He says he doesn't know, but thinks he is playing games. He says feels like my ex has changed since the end of our relationship, and he 'clammed up' as a posed to dealing with it and talking.
If I think rationally, I know this is true too. He wants to know whether he's still on my mind, he wants me to come crawling back, so that he doesn't have to put any effort in.
I will NOT text him. I have promised myself this, but should I give a message back through my friend?

• I need to pluck up the courage to block. And to scale back with these mutual friends. I need a clean slate, and to concentrate on me.*

Yes OP You do need to do this to protect yourself. Additionally I would also block the "friend" who is all too invested in getting you back with someone who adds only negatives to your life so block them too - they are no friend to you.

Flinching when your phone rings is not good for your mental health so please do take back control of your life and try hard to snuff out any residual feeling you may have for your ex who can only bring back negatives to your life.

Your so called friend isn't helpful. I'd actually stop hanging out with him.

No message to the ex.

Thank you for everyone's messages last night.
I good cry, and some tough words of wisdom from you all has helped.
I also had it out with said friend last night, and told him I have had enough. I'm done.
Going to scale back now, and hope I can cut contact with him also.
I think to be honest, my ex is so wrapped up in himself, I actually don't think he realises the pain in which has caused. All he's ever thought about the whole way along is himself.
Maybe because I stopped contact, he came to the conclusion I didn't want to talk anymore. Hence saying he didn't think I need closure.
I still don't get the motives behind this message. Does he want to talk or not?
Either way, I know I cannot keep my life on hold for someone who clearly doesn't really care.

You need to separate in your mind the man you once lived and this bloke who now lives in the shell.
Change his name on your to something that makes you laugh...
Dickhead, Stupid the Second...farts nightly...
So when the name appears for a second you laugh . My daughter has this claxton and the death march that sounds when I call... But she does have a warped sense of humour

I also had it out with said friend last night, and told him I have had enough. I'm done.
Going to scale back now, and hope I can cut contact with him also

Good for you @mjvb123

Your pain is not a soap opera for others to revel in. Look after yourself - properly - and heal from this upset away from drama llamas, gossips and shit stirrers.

There's a chance they thought they were doing the right thing (loyal friend smooths the path of true love, one of several idiocies that work in the movies because it isn't real life), but you'd have been over the worst of this months ago if these twits hadn't kept stirring things up.

Be honest, why are you wondering whether he wants to talk or not? What is making you look for reasons behind his motives?

Really, any one of us can tell you he’s not someone worth a second thought and you would never find a long lasting happy relationship with him but you need to admit that to yourself, block him and move on.

I don't think my friend is honestly trying to cause more agro, just simply trying to help.
Apart from this message that was intended, I think everything else has been 'drip fed'. Eg. They've been having conversations, my ex has brought me up, and said friend has passed this onto me.
Though, of course my ex knows we're still friends, so would be a little stupid to think I'm not being told things. And I guess vice versa.
Honestly, I know I should detest him after what he has done to me. And I know that the man I love no longer exists.
Why do I want to know why he wants to talk? Because I don't understand why he can go silent on me for this amount of time, to come crawling out of the woodwork.
Though as I've said, I could have predicted this, as I knew he wouldn't leave it.
I guess the temptation is still there (on both sides), because we've kept mutual friends.
I know he is bad news, and that he has probably done me a massive favour. But I can't seem to get my head around what he was and what he has become.
I don't understand how he can have such disregard for another persons feelings.

Glad to hear you have been taking good steps OP.

You don't get it, rightfully, because it actually doesnt make sense! He is either playing games/dumb or is actually thick, or completely self consumed.

It sounds like a case of him twisting it, deflecting blame or accountability - to make you the person that ghosted him - 'oh but i still owe you nothing, you stopped contacting me? What could you possibly want from me? ' Its really laughable, think about it: He has no cause whatsoever to be confused as to why you would not feel closure. Its clear from what you said:
*he knew he was ghosting you

• he knew you had no answers and were seeking them *HE KNOWS, but because you finally stopped contacting, its now you at 'fault' because you stopped contacting. So in his logic, he could only understand that you might have wanted answers if you had continued asking a brick wall for eternity! Its laughable! And entirely see through.

Even if its not that, its still not a decent human being that is ok to keep dangling some 'possible' contact before you whilst never actually doing so. If he had something genuine to say he would have said it. If he had any decency at all he woukd have said it, not dangle it like a carrot.

Its a classic. An ex dumped me out the blue, he said would stay in contact but ignored every single message i sent, (only friendly, neutral ones despite being beart broken) - never any response, ever. Then months and months later he texted one evening about something 'important' and because i didn't reply that evening, had a massive nasty go at me that same evening saying how awful and despicable a person i was to not respond! I hadn't seen the text because i had left my phone at home for the first time ever, to go out and have fun and stop myself waiting around for a text from him, even all those months later. That bit of fate was brilliant and helped me realise the pathetic, twisted logic of this man I adored.

Nothing he has to say will fulfil you or bring you peace, so stop pining for his words and take peace from knowing this person doesnt care and you no longer have to deal with them. There are so many good men out there.

Why someone that supposedly loved you, would treat you with such little regard is answered simply by the fact that they are selfish people and their ego is bigger than their care for you. It hurts but you must accept it. I can remember how you are feeling now. Its so easy to only see what you want to see, i did it for years on end. People will show you and even tell you who they are and you can ignore it, romanticising and wanting things to work so badly you lose all sense.

The more you read, educate yourself and know about identifying these traits in people, the red flags, the better you can choose and find the good ones! No one is perfect. But some people will be selfish in their core. Be kind to yourself!

It isnt always a clear cut, complete rotter of a man either. Its not always a real psycho, where the 'perfect man' part of them is an act and a trap and their mask slips and they change to their real side once they have you.

I get why it can be baffling, if its someone who does have some genuine good in them, which I get is confusing at the time.

But the fact remains, what you thought he was isnt what he truly is. Experiences with someone shows you who they are. He is willing to hurt you and treat you with disrespect. In your case it is still a man who is selfish, childish and pathetic enough to leave you hanging.

Thank you @OfficeSlave for what you have said, it makes a lot of sense.
I guess I stick to what I was saying to myself before this all blew up at the weekend - I will never know what he was thinking or feeling, or why he did what he did.
I must accept that, and I was beginning to, until all this.
I've said to myself countless times, that he clearly feels the ends justify the means (although his message has said different). He did not care to consider my feelings, even if the truth would hurt.
I was working towards making sure I fall off his radar completely.
And I shall continue; but I know I need to be more drastic with these measures.
Though I will never forget him, and will always wish things could have ended more amicably or on better terms. I cannot undo the past, I can only move forwards.

Today I have managed 4 months NC.
Though I do wonder with all this, has it been technically broken?!
I've found this past week really tough.
Trying to think of ways that I can pull myself back up, and not obsess over all of this.
Any ideas?
For now, I'm toasting 4 months of no direct contact tonight.

Well done.
I guess just keep doing what you’re doing. Read back through this and remind yourself that why you need to do this.
Then get on with a happy successful life, without giving him a thought.

@ILiveInSalemsLot Thank you, I really appreciate all your feedback. I have read this feed everyday since I started it! I think I need to. I need to hear straight talk.
Feel like I've taken some steps back, so I've got some work to do again.

So it's been three weeks since I got the 'message', and no sign out of him.
I did learn that there was more to the message, along the line of 'he didn't want to hurt me'. I also got updated on his mum's condition - I didn't previously mention that his mum had a rare, recurring cancer, and it seems she has taken a turn for the worst.
My head is in a spin this evening, wondering about reaching out... purely because of his mum. I've hated not knowing how she's been doing, but that's how far I've gone to keep boundaries in place...
I'm torn

How did you learn there was more to the message? Personally, I think you are being played like a fiddle. Leave well alone.

I will be a bit harsh here. His mum's illness is not your soap opera. She doesn't need you. You don't need to know.

Step away from all the drama llama crap. You are bigger and better than that. Be the best you. The adult you. Step right back from all the self-inflicted drama. Block the lot of them. Stay away from mutual friend. Move on.

I only found out the last bit of the message when I was telling our mutual friend, I'd had enough.
Pretty important part of the message left out! But then that's the issue with giving messages through people isn't it? It's like Chinese whispers.
I completely understand - you're right, it's got nothing to do with me anymore. And if he wanted it to be, he would let me know.
And he hasn't.
I guess I'm having a 'wobble', and with the recent 'message' it's stirred things up. My head's all over the place. But I appreciate everyone's perspective.

I think this 'friend' is more your Ex's friend and not yours. They are clearly enjoying the drama. I would avoid them until you are properly over your Ex.

I agree with the PP that his mum is not your concern.

Thank you for the harsh words (that's not me being sarcastic!) I need it!!

I guess after learning his mum had taken a turn for the worst, I wondered if I was being a cow for not acknowledging that.
But, I know it's none of my business anymore. If he wanted it to be, then he would be making decisive moves for it to be.
Not this lazy communication. I've worked so hard at making sure I've had boundaries in place, I can't let my feelings get the better of me and let them slip.
Thank you again,

Good luck. Don't underestimate the power to heal of a total block on all forms of contact, direct and indirect.

I would tell your mutual friend that although they might think they are being helpful by passing on messages, they aren't. If your ex wanted to contact you he would find a way not through friends. He just wants to make you look like the bad one in this or have himself an audience for some reason. Move on, keep your head high and enjoy the Summer as a single lady.

That sounded like a 'closure' message: 'I'm sorry it ended so badly' and non-committal: 'I might message some time'. I wouldn't have thought it required or expected a response. It's sad his mum is ill, but it's nothing to do with you.
Just say to the friend, 'we don't speak any more. We aren't interested in each other's lives' and change the subject. Is his friendship much deeper than the ex being the topic you have in common? Maybe that's the reason he keeps cropping up in conversation.

Look this mutual friend may not be directly shit stirring but he/she does not have any emotional intelligence - for the sake of your own mental health you should tell him that and say that its best to part ways.
As for the ex - he's just selfish - all that matters is that he can make himself feel good and will not even see that his behaviour is shit.
You are doing well - new job, new life, new friends.
Although it is sad about his mum - let it go. I sometimes wonder about an ex's relatives that I cared for but leave it at that - getting in actual touch is like picking a scab - it will not heal until you stop picking at it because of everything else that it will bring up.