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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've had a message from my ex, through a mutual friend - How do I react?

87 replies

mjvb123 · 03/03/2019 21:07

My relationship came to a nasty end back in October. After a few problems, and one argument which lead to my ex 'ghosting' me, I had to come to the conclusion that it was over.
I have nearly made 4 months NC, and it has been 4 months since I last saw him.
We have mutual friends, who I have kept in contact with. One in particular seems to have taken the position of the 'go between' and if it wasn't for him, I would be none the wiser on a few things.
I met up with said friend on Friday night, and it turns out my ex had a message for me.
He had basically told our friend to tell me, he didn't want it to end the way it did, and that there are no hard feelings on his part. And that he will possibly message at some point.
I asked my friend did my ex expect a message back? He says he doesn't know, but thinks he is playing games. He says feels like my ex has changed since the end of our relationship, and he 'clammed up' as a posed to dealing with it and talking.
If I think rationally, I know this is true too. He wants to know whether he's still on my mind, he wants me to come crawling back, so that he doesn't have to put any effort in.
I will NOT text him. I have promised myself this, but should I give a message back through my friend?

OP posts:
mjvb123 · 04/03/2019 08:17

You're all right, I know you are. That's why I came here, because I knew I'd get some answers to give my head a wobble!
To be honest, around Christmas time, I was seriously considering cutting out mutual friends. I couldn't handle the constant reminders, and being endlessly drawn into conversations about him.
The friend in question, was originally a friend of my ex. But over the course of our relationship, our friendship grew.
I don't tend to engage in conversations first, I wait for them to make contact with me.
Yes this has taken so much headspace. I still think about my ex everyday.
Though I do realise that what is done is done, I can't undo the past, there feels like there is unfinished business.
But I've been trying to accept that, sadly this is the way it's gonna be.
I think I will try and create some distance and invest more in other friendships.
I started a new job at the beginning of the year, and it has been a god send.
I felt like I lost myself through the ending of that relationship, but thanks to my job and the people I've met there, I think the old me is coming back.

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 04/03/2019 09:21

That is the way to go- think for yourself and stop letting others influence/manipulate your position.

The “friend/s” is/are testing the waters for your ex. You stated a boundary to not talk about him, yet you...at least listen to talk about him. In addition you watch videos of him -which is upping the ante. Your boundary has been obliterated time after time which certainly sends mixed signals.

I agree with Not the FordType in that you really need to speak with your feet and walk away whenever this subject starts. Rude? So what! They are being more rude in disrespecting your boundary. They are not your friends.

Unfinished business is, imho, some kind of psychological myth that “closure” will somehow achieve a sort of mutual agreement to close out the books on the relationship so to speak. It’s not a contractual business partnership so it’s not going to follow that script.

Ghosting is closure. It is the biggest slap in the face anyone can do- complete indifference at the snap of the fingers. Relationships just don’t recover from that. Relationships should not recover from that.

They only thing that will come from contacting your ex is that he’ll do it to you again. Contacting your ex will carry a banner proclaiming that you are ok with and accept being treated that way.

You can stop thinking about him (starting like yesterday). Leave the past in the past.

dontgobaconmyheart · 04/03/2019 09:57

Ugh no, OP you are right to avoid. At the end of the day he could have got hold of you any time he wanted, instead of playing immature potentially hurtful games like this, and sending messages announcing himself through a friend, that you can expect to hear from him soon makes him sound a right knob, who does he think he is Confused

Your other friend is over invested, and sounds like they revel in gossip and/or feeling important .I would drop back contact and next time say"thats nice but I'm not bothered either way, I've moved on and I'd rather it wasn't brought up". Find other people to spend time with that are not linked to this ex. It sounds like you're doing so well moving on practically, why get drawn back in? The old you is on her way back, don't poison the well with the very person and situation that rocked it in the first place.

Feelings of unfinished business don't require the ex to provide you with anything, you won't get what you're looking for from him OP and you don't need it. You don't need answers to questions that don't affect your life anymore, closure is when you realise that, and accept it went wrong, he wasn't right for you, if it was going to work it very probably would have, and all of that is a normal part of life.

JessicaPeach · 04/03/2019 10:02

Agree not to send a message back. And also don't forget that the mutual friend is probably relaying every detail of the chats about your ex back to him so if you've discussed that you are unsure but want closure blah blah you can bet your ex is getting that message anyway. I'd either go nc with the friend or show zero interest and don't be drawn into any chat about him at all.

Ribbonsonabox · 04/03/2019 10:07

No!! No message back! He will keep you dangling along.. you will be wasting your life being someones self esteem security blanket... so that when they feel shit they can manipulate you for a bit to express love for them... then when they feel better they can ghost you to try it on with other women...
It's a waste of life.
There are men out there who will actually want you and who will actually bring something to the relationship.

If he does end up directly contacting you ignore it. His explanations and apologies are only to hook you back in... someone who can ghost you after sleeping with you does not respect you and never will.

MistressDeeCee · 04/03/2019 10:08

The friend is a troublemaker, and you had a nasty argument with your ex then he ghosted you. Ghosting = he didn't think much of you.

Maybe he's at a loose end now.

I can't actually think of any reason why any of these 2 men need to be in your life. You don't have to listen to his friends' conversation. You could have told him you're not interested in messages from your ex, and you don't want to hear about him anymore.

Unless of course you want your ex back, which would be the only reason for even bothering with all this. In which case you'd be better off just calling your ex direct rather than dealing with the gossipy friend.

mummmy2017 · 04/03/2019 10:17

Men never seem to give answers.
You end up going over and over it for no reason.
Move forward not back, as what ever caused the split is still there.

dangerrabbit · 04/03/2019 10:18

Dump your friend.

mjvb123 · 04/03/2019 13:40

Thank you again for the responses.

No, I do not want to get back with him.
I do know that I have needed this time apart and NC in order to process what had happened, to 'own' my mistakes and work towards better things in my life. For example my career.
I know I am still emotionally invested, and haven't quite come out the other side yet.
I also acknowledge I haven't helped myself, by allowing engagement in talk about my ex. I have allowed him to still be a part of my life, though of course practically and physically he has not been.
I guess, I haven't been able to stop myself obsessing over the information I've received, depicting the crumbs for signs of remorse.
As I've already said, I knew that at some point I would get something like this.
I appreciate what everyone has said, and thank you all.
Let's call this a 'blip'!

OP posts:
AgentJohnson · 04/03/2019 13:58

This go between isn’t your friend because he’s not listening to you, he’s prioritising the selfish wants over a selfish coward over your emotional well-being. Ditch both, neither are worth your time.

mjvb123 · 05/03/2019 20:52

Is anyone around? In need of a hand hold Sad
So no I didn't respond. But it seems my friend still gave off the impression I'm after closure. Apparently he was surprised, and said he didn't think I needed closure?
I guess he's right, he did a bloody awful thing to me, that should be the closure.
I'm just so mad, I really don't understand what he was playing at by getting this message to me. Though apparently he will text. Great. I've flinched every time my phone has gone off.
I was plodding along, working on letting go, and finally getting to point where I can say 'I've moved on'. Now thanks to all this, I'm crying my eyes out feeling like the loser in this game playing.
So sorry, I just had to get the words out somewhere.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 05/03/2019 21:00

Youre not a loser. It’s normal to feel confused and hurt if we re treated so shittily
It might be hard, but the best thing to do is block his number. That way you know it’s never going to be him when your phone pings and you’ve taken control again.

PaulHollywoodsSexGut · 05/03/2019 21:04

You’re not a loser

But you gotta dump this “friend”. Sounds like a right drama llama revelling in your real life hurt and upset.

Fuck that.

mjvb123 · 05/03/2019 21:12

I don't know if I can block his number Confused
I can't bare the thought that if he ever did text, that I'd never know.
That's pathetic I know.
I am going to least try and distance myself from the mutual friends we have.
I know because he's the the main thing we have in common, he will continue to be brought up. I can't do that to myself anymore.
He clearly doesn't and hasn't cared to consider my feelings.

OP posts:
ILiveInSalemsLot · 05/03/2019 21:22

If he texts you, you’re just in for more pain and misery.
Ask yourself if it would really matter if he texted you and you never knew? What on earth could he possibly say that would make you feel better?
I know it’s not easy but do what is best for you.

OfficeSlave · 05/03/2019 21:33

The simple fact will be, it is killing him that YOU have gone silent on him. Killing him. He wants the control back. He wants the upper hand, to throw out crumbs, to make you feel like the weak one.

I know you think you need answers but all you need to know is that a grown man, older than you, that you were in a relationship with decided he would ignore you and hope you went away rather than be decent and end things. Theres nothing else you need to know. Exactly this happened to me. Be free from it, rejoice in it, thank your lucky stars. Change your number NOW. Buy a new sim, tell that 'friend' you don't need closure, he is mistaken and that you are changing your number. Block his number, anything. This is him trying to relinquish power. Its almost a threat 'he will text' and you have reacted to it like one, jumping at the phone... Thats what utter freaks like this want.

Dont waste any more time hanging on for answers. Think about why you are still emotionally invested in someone who treats you like a game. Think about your self esteem, read books on it, watch youtube videos, realise your worth. Be silent, and if you do get a message, delete and dont read and if anything tell this friend you received but didnt read so they can feed this back to this spineless idiot. I don't think this friend is truly a friend, either.

MsPavlichenko · 05/03/2019 21:36

Block him please. And your "friend"

It will be hard, but you'll heal sooner . And you won't be jumping at every text and call. In a few months you'll thank yourself. As will your self esteem.

And ( no shares , I promise) look at Freedom Programme. It should be compulsory .

HappyLife21 · 05/03/2019 21:39

Block him. Doesn’t matter if he texts, he’s still a twat.

mjvb123 · 05/03/2019 21:58

Thank you @OfficeSlave
Do you really think he's bothered by my silence? I'm proud of myself for keeping to NC, I knew that pride would no longer allow me to 'chase'.
I have been 'threatened' a couple of times from said friend, that my ex had been thinking of messaging over the past 4 months.
But I realise I do need to work on my self esteem. It has been smashed to pieces thanks to the end of this relationship.
I guess I'm still emotionally invested, because I had given so much to him over the course of our relationship. When it was good, it was really good. We had a chemistry and connection like I've never felt before. To let go of that, has been incredibly hard.
I do know that I have to face that this is the past, and the person I thought he was. And that neither of us are the same now.
Thank you for your response, I am just trying to treat this as a 'blip' and carry on as I was.

OP posts:
mjvb123 · 05/03/2019 22:01

I need to pluck up the courage to block.
And to scale back with these mutual friends. I need a clean slate, and to concentrate on me.

OP posts:
SparkofJoy · 05/03/2019 22:01

Block his number immediately.
Send a message to your mutual friend saying that you have moved on and would prefer not to talk about ex and not to relay messages.

There is no hope. You already have your answer He dumped you in a way to cause harm. Ghosting is a punative and cruel action

Giraffey1 · 05/03/2019 22:09

No. He is your ex for a reason. Tell your friend you don’t want to hear any messages from your ex. If he is a true friend he will not do so, frankly, if I were the friend I’d be telling your ex to do one and that I wasn’t going to be passing in any messages,

HappyLife21 · 05/03/2019 22:58

I doubt your silence is bothering him tbh.

RomanyQueen1 · 05/03/2019 23:09

Please have more respect for yourself. They are both playing you for an idiot. friend has no intention of leaving it, probably on insistence from the ex.
Don't bother with contact with either of them and move on.

OfficeSlave · 05/03/2019 23:11

Oh god yes, there is a huge chance your continued silence after chasing him at the end bothers him. If his ego is so massive that he thinks it’s ok and normal to ghost someone you’re supposed to be in an adult relationship with (regardless of an argument - an argument doesn’t equal ‘its over and no contact’ without saying so and with no discussion about it) then his ego will be battered by your (fantastic) silence.

He must be passing on this message to your friend to pass on to you, that he plans to text - but he hasn’t and may never actually do it. Unless he’s really dim, he’s aware that sending this ‘threat’ or empty promise will whip you up into a frenzy and potentially hopes you break and make contact first or is just enjoying having you on tenterhooks waiting for his words. It’s really not someone genuine or kind, is it - If you cared, truly cared and had hurt someone by ignoring them, would you then say you would contact, vaguely, multiple times then not actually do it? You wouldn’t do that to them AGAIN. Only if you’re playing games.

The only other thing I can think of is if his friend is doing all this and kind of enjoying being the middle man/ person. Passing on info your ex doesn’t realise they are sharing with you. But it sounds like your ex is specifically asking to pass on these messages. However, the friend Showing you videos with him in is really strange. Why would they think you want to see that?

I do understand your pain, thinking someone is your best match - I don’t doubt your connection, but if they can’t communicate, and treat you with zero respect in any aspect at all then it’s not your ‘person.’ relationships with people like this are effectively like dating a teenage boy, even though they may be older than you! It always ends badly. You have to think of your lucky escape. Someone who cannot communicate is a nightmare.

It sounds crazy but it is one of the things I am most proud of, closing off all contact for many, many years now. For waking up and taking back control. As soon as I shut up, he couldn’t stop making contact. And when I got sent his excuses, it made me more angry - it’s never anything you want to hear or that helps, it is only their bullshit ego talking.

As time passes and your sense of self evolves if he is anything like my ex, you will likely think of more and more things about him that you realise were stubborn, childish and just all wrong.

You CAN do this, block, remove yourself from it, take control, move on and don’t romanticise a bad relationship or someone that treated you badly, whether it was once, several or many times. You can find yourself again and you can also find someone good, who would never want to hurt you, or leave you in limbo. x

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