I've had a message from my ex, through a mutual friend - How do I react?

[mjvb123]

My relationship came to a nasty end back in October. After a few problems, and one argument which lead to my ex 'ghosting' me, I had to come to the conclusion that it was over.
I have nearly made 4 months NC, and it has been 4 months since I last saw him.
We have mutual friends, who I have kept in contact with. One in particular seems to have taken the position of the 'go between' and if it wasn't for him, I would be none the wiser on a few things.
I met up with said friend on Friday night, and it turns out my ex had a message for me.
He had basically told our friend to tell me, he didn't want it to end the way it did, and that there are no hard feelings on his part. And that he will possibly message at some point.
I asked my friend did my ex expect a message back? He says he doesn't know, but thinks he is playing games. He says feels like my ex has changed since the end of our relationship, and he 'clammed up' as a posed to dealing with it and talking.
If I think rationally, I know this is true too. He wants to know whether he's still on my mind, he wants me to come crawling back, so that he doesn't have to put any effort in.
I will NOT text him. I have promised myself this, but should I give a message back through my friend?

I have been trying (and will continue to do so) to scale back conversations with this friend.
Though I do feel incredibly guilty, as I know he looks to me for support with his relationship, and has told me that his friendship with my ex, wasn't what it was.
I did think (and hope) eventually this friendship will just fizzle out naturally.
After the delivery of the message, I did have it out with this friend told him that I've had enough. He works with my ex, so sees him regularly, but apparently conversations outside of work are now nearly non existent.
As for my ex; I had wondered if this was a way of him bringing himself 'closure' with the message. To clear his conscience.
But apparently he was desperate to know whether I'd been told, and pestered our friend for a couple weeks asking if he had done it yet. He has apparently said several times that he was thinking of messaging me over the months.
He did want a response from me, I didn't give one. The message he received was that if he wants to talk, he knows where I am. And that the 'ball is in his court'. He has said he's not sure 'if we can get it back'.
To be honest, it's incredibly confusing.
I just think he's being cowardly, and is still only considering himself and his feelings.
I understand he has a lot on, and with his mum in particular, I'm sure he's got a lot on his mind.
Though I still have feelings for him, I don't think I can ever get past the way he treated me.
It's sad, but neither of us can undo the past or the damage caused.

Stop finding excuses to get in touch and reach out. His mum is nothing to do with you.

You really don't need to have heard any more to the message... it seems you didn't step back from the friend like you said you would.

Honestly I have been here.
Block the 'friend' and block/ keep blocked the ex.
Everytime you get yourself in a good emotional head space your 'friend' will come with a message to reel you back.
You have asked twice now for him to not carry messages and he has. He does not respect this. You need to look after you.

Also quick question you said friend relies on you for support for his relationship.
Friendship is a 2 way street. He should be supporting you in you life and he is continually dragging you back to a sad place.
So my question is, apart from him being the last link you hav to your ex,
what benefit do you get from having his person as a friend?

OP It appears that inside you’re wondering if there’s any hope that your ex ghosted you for some understandable explanation and perhaps you will get back together. It comes through in your posts.

BUT

If you really want to be with someone, you’ll BE WITH them. It really is that simple. If he wanted to be with you nothing else would have come in to it. There’s no reason that he ghosted you other than that he’s a selfish twat who doesn’t care. You deserve someone who does.

He’s sending messages to you now for his own selfish reasons. Whether to keep you hanging on (I’ve experienced many a man who like to do that) or to make himself feel better. Either way, he’s a twat who didn’t treat you well and you could never trust him again. He’s not committed and never will be.

I know how hard it is, I’ve been in your shoes. But you must nix any vague idea that his behaviour can all be explained away and all will be lovely again.

Wouldn’t it be amazing to be with someone who really wants to be with you? Committed and trustworthy and loving? That’s what my best friend said to me once after I’d been through three years of being ghosted and manipulated by my boyfriend like a puppet on a string. It was those words that got me to see clearly that this isn’t how it should be and there was someone else for me out there. I hope it helps you also.

Ps your friend is a twat so avoid him too!

Jesus, seriously they're both a pair if emotional leeches.

You were doing brilliantly - you worked so hard to gain peace of mind and to build yourself up but note how having both of them in your life again in one way or another just creates negativity. Second guessing yourself etc and is such a waste of your precious time you could be spending/giving headspace to much more fulfilling activities/relationships. You're never going to find those with these two vultures holding you back - it's time to get angry because they couldn't give a shit about how this is affecting you. It's all about what they want - fuck that. You only get one crack at life - don't waste it on these two arseholes, you can do it, you've come so far - keep going and don't look back.

Op, I think your lying to yourself and you desperately want him to contact you and you are trying to find reasons to contact him, to justify it to yourself. To read into everything in thr hope there is something there.

This man has treated you appallingly, beyond appallingly. You really need to do what you can not to make yourself suffer further humiliation by letting him know you want him to contact you. Have some divinity and self esteem here.

Maybe you need some help, therapy, whatever but uou need to stop seeing his friend, ok?

It's funny, I saw a quote a while ago whilst scrolling through Pinterest - 'Pay attention to how the past only comes knocking when you're doing better than you were'.
I guess this past month has been proof of that.
I guess for me, it's been trying to get my head around how he could have treated me so badly; when it didn't follow the course of the rest of our relationship. We had something so good. Or so I thought.
I don't get it. I acknowledge because my feelings are still strong, and my self esteem has been torn to shreds, that I'm still looking for answers, I guess to make myself feel better!
And yes, I was doing so well! Because I had told myself that the simple fact is - he didn't feel the same way about me, as I did him. He can't of, to have done what he did.
He was punishing me, and thought to get rid of me, would be at least one less 'stress' for his tiny mind to deal with.
I will stop seeing/contact with the friend for my own sanity.
I know I still have some healing to do.

Glad to hear it, none of it sounds like it's worth the headspace.

I will stop seeing/contact with the friend for my own sanity.

Great news, they can eat your dust as you leave them both far behind where they belong!

I really do appreciate everyone who's taken the time to give support/advice.
And I'm sorry for saying 'I guess' so many times! I've read back through my posts, and annoyed myself reading it!

I'm off out tonight with a good friend for drinks and tapas, I think I need this.
But will make sure my phone is well out of reach!

I know deep down that I've been treated appalling by someone I gave everything for. He has probably done me a massive favour to be honest.

I will work on building my self esteem and taking the time to heal - away from the reminders of the past.

How long were you with your ex?

It’s time to stop letting him play with you. If anyone brings him up, just say “oh, that’s nice” move the conversation on.

He wasn’t that nice of a man if he ghosted you in the end! If he is 13 yrs your senior it means he knows better!!! He has more experience and knows to end a relationship you should talk to the person and let them know it’s over. It’s childs play to ghost someone especially in an actual relationship.

Don’t let anyone see it bugs you, just say as I said, that’s nice... Good for him, or whatever platitude you want. No emotion, no interest. Even regarding his mom. Don’t let him or them draw you in!!!

CanuckBC - I was with him a year.
Not a very long time I know, but it was definitely the most intense/rollercoaster year of my life!
Yes, he should know better. His behaviour is incredibly cowardly. The age gap was never an issue, we kind of met somewhere in the middle!
I'm waking up today feeling a lot better. I'm ready to draw a line under it all, and continue to move forwards.