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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Man starting new relationship scared off by talk of marriage

94 replies

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 18:45

I'm posting this on behalf of my younger half sister, Lara whom I'm quite close to and she's 36 and single, no DC.

She's been internet dating for a couple of years and has found her net (in terms of available men) has got narrower in the past couple of years so recently has been meeting divorced parents with DC.

She was meeting a man who's a divorced father of 2 DC at the start of them speaking via text they'd been generally speaking and she'd mentioned when he asked about her thoughts on relationships that she'd probably like to get married one day. He didn't say anything about it, like no, he didn't want someone like that etc. She told me she mentioned she was after a serious relationship with the right man and he said he wanted the same. It was just sounding out what they both wanted from a relationship and maybe in the future.

So she had her first date with him last Friday, it was a great evening and then he texted the next morning a brief hi and then he didn't text at all all Saturday and then he texted this morning to her saying "After some reflection time, you want someone to marry, I don't. So I think you would be better off putting time into someone that does". Which is not what she said at all and she texted me afterwards saying, she just wanted to see how things went, no way marriage talk or anything.

Now I've been working at home all day and DH has been off work sick with an ear infection, he's ok but on antibiotics and work told him to take a couple of days off plus he saw GP this morning. Anyway, he was talking to me, asked me about Lara and how things went and I told him what had happened. He said that the man here was 'being ridiculous as Lara was just being honest and he just ran with it and it didn't mean she was planning to marry him'. I agree. DH is also divorced before he met me but no DC.

Lara has been a bit down lately so it seemed to me with meeting numerous unsuitable men and she said this man seemed to be someone she really clicked with.

Anyway, Lara was asking me what she should do and I just said move on. DH seems to think tell her (like she already has) that she's not serious about marriage yet but ultimately if he's being an idiot about this now then he's not worth thinking about!

OP posts:

HK20 · 25/02/2019 18:46

He probably just wasn't that into her and didn't want to waste her time. Tell her to move on.

NameChangeNugget · 25/02/2019 18:47

She needs to move on, think he was being polite with the way he binned her off.

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 18:49

Oh, reason for posting this here - anyone else got any opinions?

OP posts:

Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 18:50

Well at least he was honest. I think a lot of divorced people might not want to get married again. Men or women.

Has she tried to meet someone through a different way?

I am in much the same boat though and it’s pretty disheartening.

Birdie6 · 25/02/2019 18:51

Well she did mention marriage when he asked about her thoughts about relationships. Perhaps he got the idea that this was what she was looking for , and on reflection he decided to move on.

They only had one date and a few conversations - I wouldn't get too hung up about it.

JustHereForThePooStories · 25/02/2019 18:55

if he's being an idiot about this now then he's not worth thinking about!

He’s not being an idiot, though. He has the right to not date anyone for any reason. On this instance, there was one date, a few texts, and a final communication from him to say he didn’t want to pursue things any further.

I think he’s behaved rather well here.

Trills · 25/02/2019 18:56

Maybe he's telling the truth.

He asked about her thoughts on the future. She answered honestly. They want different things. It's right that they should part ways and not waste any more of each other's time.

Neither of them did anything wrong. They just want different things from a relationship.

category12 · 25/02/2019 18:56

She may have thought they clicked, but he obviously didn't. He just used the marriage thing as a fairly gentle reason.

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 18:57

HK20 and NameChangeNugget - she's really disheartened with internet dating now and has said she doesn't want to do it again as most men out there aren't worth dating online.

Travisandthemonkey - she's not really into bars or anything - she's tried the odd evening class but isn't sure what else to do - she doesn't like the idea of meeting men in bars and I can't say I blame her.

Birdie6 - I get what you say - but it's not like she was saying she wanted to marry him right there, right now etc.

OP posts:

category12 · 25/02/2019 18:59

Do you know any decent single men, or your friends, could always try a bit of old-fashioned matchmaking.

HundredMilesAnHour · 25/02/2019 19:00

Given the timing was after their first real date, I think he was just being nice and using it as an excuse to let her down gently. It's kinder than saying he wasn't physically attracted to her or didn't feel chemistry.

Tennesseewhiskey · 25/02/2019 19:03

But marriage is part of her eventual plan. It's not part of his, how does that make him an idiot?

She has said she would like to be married, to the right man. If he is the right man, he isn't going to marry her. Hee is right that if that's what's she wants, him wasting her time isn't very fair.

Loads of women post on mn because they have always been clear that want to get married and years down the line their partner is still putting it off.

Lweji · 25/02/2019 19:14

He asked about her thoughts on the future. She answered honestly. They want different things. It's right that they should part ways and not waste any more of each other's time.
Neither of them did anything wrong. They just want different things from a relationship.

This. If she does want a serious relationship, might as well only go out with someone who does too.
Otherwise, she'd eventually be posting about how her boyfriend didn't want to marry her after so many years together.

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/02/2019 19:15

I think Lara's date was a presumptuous prick and a bit up his own arse for assuming she would want to marry him.

Lweji · 25/02/2019 19:16

Btw, she may well have better choice of candidates if she states she wants a serious relationship on her profile.

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 19:24

Thanks all. Lara does state on her profile apparently that she does want a serious relationship only.

Maybe he did let her down gently and was being nice about it who knows?!

Anyway - I've agreed to invite her over to our place with some single men whom my DH and I actually do know, hadn't thought too much about this but then we had a quick think.

OP posts:

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 25/02/2019 19:35

Your advice was good. Your DH’s not so much

I am roughly the same age and dated a couple of divorcing and divorced men. In the main they were damaged by their first marriage and all ultimately told me they did not want to remarry. I kept moving on because I knew I wanted marriage and am now v happy with my DP who will hopefully be my DH in the next few years 🥰

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 19:37

I've just had a flurry of texts - whilst I was eating from Lara.

Apparently after their date she invited him to a bar for shots but he only had a soft drink, then they left.

He has now told her that 'who orders shots at a bar when they know their date is driving?' and that apparently he would have seen her again otherwise. He'd had 1.5 pints of lager before then anyway.

Anyway I've told her they obviously were on different pages but I think even though they are different re marriage etc there was more to it than this hence her text just now and they're different people and she will meet someone else.

OP posts:

Mysterycat23 · 25/02/2019 19:40

Ok I'll bite.

Lara should:

Meet and date as many men as possible, all at once
Don't mention marriage
HAVE FUN

HTH

category12 · 25/02/2019 19:41

Yeah, he wasn't feeling it. He should stop with the reasons - or is she texting him to ask? She should stop that if she is.

SpiritedLondon · 25/02/2019 19:43

I think the single friends thing sounds a great idea if you can manage to do it without it being blatantly a set up. Generally the more people you meet the better since even the unsuitable ones may have suitable single mates. I don’t know how all of my friends met their partners. I met mine at work but I work in a very male dominated organisation. Some friends met on an Exodus trip which is not specifically for singles but does have singles on it. You’ve really got to be open minded and not dismiss anything out of hand - that doesn’t mean sitting awkwardly in a bar if that’s not your scene but also doesn’t mean Dismissing bars out of hand since plenty of relationships started there back in the day before internet dating became a thing.

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 19:47

Mysterycat

I agree with you 100% re my half sister Lara, she's one of these women who believes in being honest.

category12 - I told her just now to stop texting him as yes he's now giving her a myriad of reasons, she's not asking him apparently - he's giving them and they're getting into a pointless catch 22 situation!

I need to now go and sort out mine and DD's things for tomorrow for work and school so I'll go! Internet dating and any dating is exhausting though.

OP posts:

SpiritedLondon · 25/02/2019 19:48

Oh Lara’s a party girl - sounds like guys in bars would be perfect. ( Who does order shots when one of them is driving? )

category12 · 25/02/2019 19:48

She should block him. He sounds like he's getting to be a dick.

Original poster

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 19:54

SpritedLondon - Lara isn't a party girl but does like a drink. I asked her when she told me abut the bar why did she suggest that but she told me that he had had 1.5 pints of lager and seemed up for it and also that he didn't have to come and apparently went back to his car to get his coat so he could come to the bar with her. He's a grown man here and he didn't have a shot in any event, he ad a soft drink.

category - she's going to block him as though she thinks he may have originally have been trying to be nice, now it's one excuse after another.

Like I said, it's exhausting for me replying to her WhatsApp texts and posting on here!

OP posts:

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