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Original poster

Man starting new relationship scared off by talk of marriage

94 replies

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 18:45

I'm posting this on behalf of my younger half sister, Lara whom I'm quite close to and she's 36 and single, no DC.

She's been internet dating for a couple of years and has found her net (in terms of available men) has got narrower in the past couple of years so recently has been meeting divorced parents with DC.

She was meeting a man who's a divorced father of 2 DC at the start of them speaking via text they'd been generally speaking and she'd mentioned when he asked about her thoughts on relationships that she'd probably like to get married one day. He didn't say anything about it, like no, he didn't want someone like that etc. She told me she mentioned she was after a serious relationship with the right man and he said he wanted the same. It was just sounding out what they both wanted from a relationship and maybe in the future.

So she had her first date with him last Friday, it was a great evening and then he texted the next morning a brief hi and then he didn't text at all all Saturday and then he texted this morning to her saying "After some reflection time, you want someone to marry, I don't. So I think you would be better off putting time into someone that does". Which is not what she said at all and she texted me afterwards saying, she just wanted to see how things went, no way marriage talk or anything.

Now I've been working at home all day and DH has been off work sick with an ear infection, he's ok but on antibiotics and work told him to take a couple of days off plus he saw GP this morning. Anyway, he was talking to me, asked me about Lara and how things went and I told him what had happened. He said that the man here was 'being ridiculous as Lara was just being honest and he just ran with it and it didn't mean she was planning to marry him'. I agree. DH is also divorced before he met me but no DC.

Lara has been a bit down lately so it seemed to me with meeting numerous unsuitable men and she said this man seemed to be someone she really clicked with.

Anyway, Lara was asking me what she should do and I just said move on. DH seems to think tell her (like she already has) that she's not serious about marriage yet but ultimately if he's being an idiot about this now then he's not worth thinking about!

OP posts:
Travisandthemonkey · 25/02/2019 20:02

Just block and move on.

Though I have to say going to a bar and doing shots at 36 on a first date isn’t my idea of fun. If I met a man who wanted to do that, I would probably re-examine other things they said, and if it came out there were a few things I didn’t feel I was compatible with, then I wouldn’t take it further.

Can you go and do things with her? Like a cocktail making course. Just so she has a wingman. That might be useful.

Closetbeanmuncher · 25/02/2019 20:05

I don't think Lara wants date multiple people and have a shag fest, so maybe hang up the internet dating boots for the time being..

I stand by my previous reply that hes up his own arse!

ravenmum · 25/02/2019 20:08

But she did say that she wanted someone to marry. She didn't say she wanted to marry him, but she did say she wanted to marry someone. And he doesn't want to get married to anyone, so if she stayed with him she'd be wasting her time. At 36 she can't afford to do that.

He wasn't scared off. He was very reasonable. People are constantly coming on MN saying "I want to get married and my partner said he did too, but now it's been 10 years and I still don't have a ring". This man was honest and fair, and made sure that would never happen.

Mysterycat23 · 26/02/2019 07:53

Just to clarify, "date" was not a euphemism for sex Grin

"Fun" also not a euphemism!

Tennesseewhiskey · 26/02/2019 12:00

To be honest I wouldn't have a second date with someone who wanted to do shots. Getting pissed is a very occasional thing for me. Definitely not a first date thing. Being with people getting pissed isn't my thing either.

Original poster
MadameDD · 26/02/2019 12:59

Well, I've spoken to her via WhatsApp since then and said next time, on a date, don't suggest shots, some people don't like to drink as much as others (I personally think my half sister is a bit of a party girl even though she denies it!) and said that in that case you need to ensure you're on the same page, e.g. re what you want out of a relationship, drinking habits etc. I also suggested her, first date should be either coffee or a couple of drinks on a week night which she's said she'd done before on previous dates. I said leave weekend drinks to when you know someone better.

I do think she got overexcited by the thought they got on as he said 'apparently he would have had a second date with her if she hadn't suggested shots, it gave him something to think about etc' and she told me kissing was involved and she also told me 'I didn't think when I suggested shots' - she's not inconsiderate at all and normally thinks about stuff like that - it's not like she wanted him to drive home drunk, she told me.

Closetbeanmuncher - see I sort of go both ways - on the one hand I think he's presuming a lot to think she would want to marry him and I also think that she and him weren't on the same page generally - she also mentioned to me she 'wasn't sure how she'd cope with him having kids and being available' which as a single woman I think would probably scare me a bit too.

Anyway, I've got a couple of single girlfriends and me and my DH know a few single men around everyone's age, so we're having a casual dinner party (no drink for me as newly pregnant) and letting people chat and get to know each other casually. Lara is fine with this. She wants to date as well and is looking into more 'things to do' and has joined Go Mammoth near her workplace.

I've done internet dating myself in the past and it's a bloody minefield - whether you're single, married etc! Grin

OP posts:
Lweji · 26/02/2019 13:04

I've done internet dating myself in the past and it's a bloody minefield - whether you're single, married etc!

Sorry, what?!

Original poster
MadameDD · 26/02/2019 13:07

Lweji I meant to clarify - not married - divorced etc and have been married! Not done it whilst I was married of course!

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 26/02/2019 13:57

Perhaps it would help if Lara treats the first meeting as a short casual chat to see if they're both on the same page for things that mean a lot to them - politics, ambitions, long-term relationship potential, cleanliness etc. Its purpose is to weed out the impossibles and it makes sense not to waste either person's time on something that isn't going to work for both.

UpAndDown89 · 26/02/2019 18:33

it honestly sounds like he just didn’t like her and is trying to not say it outright but she keeps texting him...

bugeyedbarber · 26/02/2019 18:38

Anyone else finding this thread surreal with Lara and OP's level of detailed involvement into her half-sister's one date shots&marriage rejection story?

Original poster
MadameDD · 27/02/2019 12:32

bugeyedbarber - how do you mean surreal? I'm literally just posting this here as my half sister wanted some explanations but not to register here...

I really don't care about him or her involvement one way or the other but have seen dating tales here and thought I'd post to get others opinions.

My half sister was also quite upset by this all including in tears to me on the phone on Monday night... hence me starting this thread! I don't do this for shits and giggles...

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDD · 27/02/2019 12:33

also I haven't dated properly for a few years so am 'out of the game'.

she's fine now by the way!

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 27/02/2019 13:35

He wasn't feeling it after the first date, so he politely let her know. It sounds like she is now badgering him for "reasons" and not taking no for an answer. In frustration, he has let her know a few things that he was previously keeping quiet out of politeness - this is why you shouldnt press for answers you don't want to hear!

Tell her to take the first no graciously and not get into a discussion about exactly why someone isn't interested in a second date in future.

Original poster
MadameDD · 27/02/2019 15:24

FineWordsForAPorcupine - I actually mentioned to her yesterday that though I was happy to help her out etc and listen to her, that maybe single friends of her own age etc would be better placed to offer advice on dating. So I've already tried to back off as bugeyedbarber was sort of suggesting (?!) as I have enough on my plate what with work, DH and DD! I even suggested she buy some dating self help books.

I'm more than happy to host this dinner party for her to meet some single men (with no expectations of course)

OP posts:
Crustaceans · 27/02/2019 16:57

I think I’d have been put off by the 1.5 pints but driving home thing. So I’d be annoyed at him moralising if I’d suggested shots. Drinking and driving is definitely worse.

Maybe Lara needs to find the sort of man who wants to drink shots with her.

Anyway, I’m told that parkrun is basically the place to find new relationships if you hate tinder. And it has the added advantage that you get a bit fitter.

Also there’s little danger of anyone suggesting shots after a Sunday morning parkrun.

downcasteyes · 27/02/2019 17:00

He clearly did not think the date went well, and wanted a gentle way to let her down. Suggesting their life aspirations were difficult probably seemed like a way of softening the blow ("I'm not what you want" whereas the truth is actually "You're not what I want").

Original poster
MadameDD · 27/02/2019 17:02

Crustaceans - when I spoke to my half sister Lara - that was what she said to me - they discussed the fact he was driving there to meet her (it is half way between where they both live) and how much he should drink etc and he said 1 pint - he can drink what he likes however, but she noticed he drank half pints of quite a strong lager so therefore she thought he'd be ok to do a shot with her (just a single one!).

Parkrun is a good suggestion to her - she does run. She did Tinder and hated it.

I also have a neighbour who has a single brother who's about her age - we both sometimes do the morning school run and when I WFH I do that school run so the neighbour mentioned that then, and the brother works and lives in London so I may suggest a meet up. The brother is apparently coming round soon for dinner/drinks and may stay over so I may arrange a 'meeting' via bumping into them on the Saturday when everyone tends to go to the large, trendy farmers/vintage indoor market.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameDD · 27/02/2019 17:05

downcasteyes - see I'd agree with you there re date not going well and letting my half sister down gently but when she probed him (as she thought the date had gone really well, he'd mentioned when/where he was free to meet up next with her etc) via text after the first 'let down text' he then went into the explanations about how he would've seen her had she not suggested shots etc...

But like I said before - I really think she needs to get over him and be more careful in future, no more suggesting shots on a first date etc!

OP posts:
NotTheFordType · 27/02/2019 17:13

Why do you keep re-iterating that "Lara" is your half sister?

Crustaceans · 27/02/2019 17:14

If he’d had 1.5 pints of strong lager, I’d be pretty displeased about the driving home idea. Tbh, I’d have been put off by the ‘how much should I drink?’ conversation. So he could take his ‘who does shots on a first date?’ moralising and put it with the rest of his hypocrisy.

Obviously she should just block him now though and not bother pointing anything out to him.

And go to parkrun. Several of my friends are convinced the local one has a higher relationship success rate than tinder in this city. 😂

NotTheFordType · 27/02/2019 17:14

I mean, if I was "Lara" and I read this thread, I would feel pretty fucking hurt.

funnylittlefloozie · 27/02/2019 19:10

Is Lara your half-sister, OP? Im getting the feeling she is but its not entirely clear.

downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 07:17

"downcasteyes - see I'd agree with you there re date not going well and letting my half sister down gently but when she probed him (as she thought the date had gone really well, he'd mentioned when/where he was free to meet up next with her etc) via text after the first 'let down text' he then went into the explanations about how he would've seen her had she not suggested shots etc..."

So he tried to let her down gently and it didn't work and she kept pestering him. So he had to come up with a second explanation, and this time he made it about her.

This is a really common script. I am surprised you can't see it, particularly since this is your sister. Most people are only blinded when their own ego is involved. Hmm

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2019 07:28

He just wasn't that into her, but personally if I met someone for s date and they wanted to do shots I'd be a bit put off. Unless I was 18. I mean seriously who goes on a date and wants to do shots. Escpecially if the other party is driving. Did he have to sit and watch her doing shots?

The marriage thing is a red herring, he's jist not interested, so she needs to move on. Whatever happened on thr date, he's not feeling it now.