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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Man starting new relationship scared off by talk of marriage

94 replies

MadameDD · 25/02/2019 18:45

I'm posting this on behalf of my younger half sister, Lara whom I'm quite close to and she's 36 and single, no DC.

She's been internet dating for a couple of years and has found her net (in terms of available men) has got narrower in the past couple of years so recently has been meeting divorced parents with DC.

She was meeting a man who's a divorced father of 2 DC at the start of them speaking via text they'd been generally speaking and she'd mentioned when he asked about her thoughts on relationships that she'd probably like to get married one day. He didn't say anything about it, like no, he didn't want someone like that etc. She told me she mentioned she was after a serious relationship with the right man and he said he wanted the same. It was just sounding out what they both wanted from a relationship and maybe in the future.

So she had her first date with him last Friday, it was a great evening and then he texted the next morning a brief hi and then he didn't text at all all Saturday and then he texted this morning to her saying "After some reflection time, you want someone to marry, I don't. So I think you would be better off putting time into someone that does". Which is not what she said at all and she texted me afterwards saying, she just wanted to see how things went, no way marriage talk or anything.

Now I've been working at home all day and DH has been off work sick with an ear infection, he's ok but on antibiotics and work told him to take a couple of days off plus he saw GP this morning. Anyway, he was talking to me, asked me about Lara and how things went and I told him what had happened. He said that the man here was 'being ridiculous as Lara was just being honest and he just ran with it and it didn't mean she was planning to marry him'. I agree. DH is also divorced before he met me but no DC.

Lara has been a bit down lately so it seemed to me with meeting numerous unsuitable men and she said this man seemed to be someone she really clicked with.

Anyway, Lara was asking me what she should do and I just said move on. DH seems to think tell her (like she already has) that she's not serious about marriage yet but ultimately if he's being an idiot about this now then he's not worth thinking about!

OP posts:

SouthWestmom · 28/02/2019 07:45

This is a totally bizarre thread. Even the title. Poor bloke was going on a date. I think he's had a lucky escape from the weirdly intense half sisters...

Dadaist · 28/02/2019 08:17

It’s not what she said-he just wasn’t that into her. Kinda obvious really? Important for your DS to not get too down - she really shouldn’t be too down hearted - could be anything- he could just be more interested in someone else? It was just a date! Put it down to experience and move on. Overthinking won’t help I don’t think.

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 09:58

NottheFordType and funnylittlefloozie

My half sister, Lara, is 11 years younger than me. We have other siblings (e.g. I have other half siblings), I have one whole brother too. I generally see her as my sister not half or anything, but we weren't brought up together, our father died when she was a teenager and although we have a kind of close relationship now, it's not always been like this. She's been engaged before so she's had relationship experience. She has tended for the past few years since I've had DD4.5 to become quite involved with my family now, I invite her over and she shares concerns her biological clock is ticking fast! But I don't think she's as close to me as she is to her full sister and brother - my other half siblings, if that makes sense, mostly because they grew up together and shared the same house? Also, my parents divorced when I was 5 and I didn't make contact with my DF until I was 13.

NottheFordType - my sister knows about mumsnet but doesn't read here much, doesn't want to register here but asked me to post this here to get opinions. I said yes, why not?

Noeuf - yeah maybe he is keen to be away from the two crazy half sisters.

To anyone else who replied on the third page, Lara has had a tough time in her admission re dating and has had dates online and offline. She feels in her own words 'time is running out' and has seen her friends get married and have DC. Internet dating has proved tough for her recently and she's finding more divorced dads are approaching her, hence this thread, being specific about one man but also generally - if they think this way re a single woman, like she is, who states she ultimately wants to get married.

It was only one shot she suggested! I've told her firmly since, if you go on any more dates, behave, only 2 drinks at most or coffee and no shots! I think she personally needs to grow up and not 'do shots' with her friends which she does when she goes out - but that's her social life, not mine!

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 10:00

Dadaist - she (Lara) does overthink. I'm not much better because I used to overthink too.

And having seen her in the past year and then on the phone the other day get down and upset re dating gone wrong, then what I am I supposed to do? Ignore her, tell her to grow up??!! I comfort her and give her advice but I'm not in her situation and haven't been for years.

She tells me people meet partners far more online and less IRL whereas this was a very different story when I was dating properly, years ago!

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2019 10:05

Doing shots is fine, when socialising as a group, and everyone is in thr Party mood, it's incredibly odd for a grown up to want to do them on a first date. As said, it would put me right off a man if I turned up for a date with him and he asked me to do shots at the bar.

I don't think saying you ultimately want marriage would put anyone off if phrased correctly, as in , if I met the right guy, I'd like to see marriage someonewhre down the line, but that's a long way off.

If she phrased it in a sort of I only want to spend time with you if you're going to marry me, then yup. Man or woman, that would be off putting

I think ultimately though she didn't float his boat and he was trying to let her down gently with thr marriage thing. The shots I agree with him though. Wtf does that.

ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 28/02/2019 10:33

Doing shots on a first date is odd. It's something you do with friends and there is no way of knowing if the date is that yet.

There is way much too much over thinking going on here.

If this had reduced Lara to tears, OLD may not be for here. It's a bear pit. You need jade armour and a gum shield as well as the protection of St Michael the Archangel. I suspect Lara is not an ideal candidate for it.

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2019 10:54

Did she have a shot or shots though? The way you phrase it would indicate she did, and I'm trying to imagine imagine him sitting with his soft drink watching her bang her shot glass on the bar and neck it.🤣

SoThisHappened · 28/02/2019 11:07

*He was either being honest with her or letting her down gently.

That's all.

Yeah, you do need to tell her to "grow up". Both in her expectations and in suggesting shots.

You know all the men she has met and rejected as being 'unsuitable'? Well he has done the same with her.

downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 11:14

From what the OP said, it was just one shot, and the issue was less the shot than that fact that Lara hadn't really listened to the fact that he was driving.

My point would be less 'Who does shots on a first date?' than 'Who drives to a date when they know they will be drinking?' Get a cab!

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 11:39

My point would be less 'Who does shots on a first date?' than 'Who drives to a date when they know they will be drinking?' Get a cab!

Shot/s aren't my thing. If someone suggested it on a first date, it would put me off. Whether it was one or several. And she may have given the impression that it would be multiple, if he was driving.

I would drive on a first date. I rarely drink, so why not. I certainly wouldn't have the intention of having multiple alcoholic drinks on a first date.

Why not drive? Drinking alcohol is not a must do on a date

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2019 11:42

I'm failing to see the issue with driving to a date as well, he had one and a half pints, stayed within the legal limit, and then had a soft drink. There is nothing wrong with driving to a date. Beyond weird someone would think there was.

downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 11:44

But he DID drink tennessee, that's why he shouldn't drive!

Bluntness100 · 28/02/2019 11:46

But he DID drink tennessee, that's why he shouldn't drive!

Eh? He was within the legal limit, why shouldn't he drive?

downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 11:46

Plus, we are all different. You lot wouldn't drink on a first date. I would. I really enjoy going out partying/to restaurants/to pub and bars, so it's an important compatibility issue for me that the other person likes the same kind of lifestyle. I couldn't be with someone who only wanted to go out once a month at the weekend. You are different, and that's cool.

I never drink and drive. Ever. I would always get a taxi, even after one.

PolarBearDisguisedAsAPenguin · 28/02/2019 11:47

I think the crux here is that he was keen, met up with her and knew she wasn’t someone he would marry, and had the decency to let her know that. I’m sure he could have strung her along a bit if he had wanted which would have been worse.

Tennesseewhiskey · 28/02/2019 11:50

then what I am I supposed to do? Ignore her, tell her to grow up??!!

In this instance, yes, tell her to grow up.

But he DID drinktennessee, that's why he shouldn't drive!

I dont drink and drive at all even one. But plenty of people do have a few. 3 half pints, over the space of a few hours may not have put him over the limit. Which is legal.

A shot is very different to half a larger. He may have wanted a drink but not to be over the limit.

MadameButterface · 28/02/2019 11:50

sorry, what's this woman's name and relationship to you again op, it's not clear

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 11:51

downcasteyes It was one shot and my sister (not saying she's 'half'!) said it was a spur of the moment she suggested it, they'd be in the pub having drinks and one moment it was 9.30, next minute it was 12.15am, she'd thought they got on so well that a shot would be ok. She herself didn't think it was that bad suggesting a shot, as he refused when at the bar and had a soft drink. My point here to her also was 'he's an adult, he can say no'. She had listened to the fact that he was driving but had thought that after 1.5 pints of fairly strong lager he'd had that he'd either get a cab back or was able to drive after that much drink. He know should know his drinking limits.

I think she probably does drink a bit more than him from what she told me, (not excessively so in her case so she tells me) but also, he told her that the expectation of doing shots (when she suggested it) - he thought something else would come of it and was happy to go back to her place afterwards and she didn't ask him to do this!

He drove for convenience but she didn't drive, she got a bus as she knew she'd be drinking and doesn't like drinking and driving at all, even one drink. Lara did mention to me they discussed trains and he'd told her the last train back to where he lived was before midnight, either from the place they'd met or more central London. So that was a reason he drove.

Tennesseewhiskey - I totally get you re he may have got the impression they were doing more than one shot and this other bar was apparently a proper 'bar', like I said I reiterated to her, just don't behave like this in future on a first date.

UPDATE: he texted her yesterday evening (not late) (which I didn't know until just now) and has actually said he's thought about it all, was a bit harsh towards her and would she like a second date after all?!

I told her to go and tell him to F*ck himself...

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 11:51

MadameButterface - do piss off love.

OP posts:

downcasteyes · 28/02/2019 11:59

MadameDD said "he told her that the expectation of doing shots (when she suggested it) - he thought something else would come of it and was happy to go back to her place afterwards and she didn't ask him to do this"

Ahhhh, he's not just a party pooper, he's a sexist entitled party pooper!

Tell Lara she's had a lucky escape! Run for the hills, woman!

DoneLikeAKipper · 28/02/2019 12:03

I’m sorry, I skimmed the thread. Who are we talking about, and what relation is she to you?

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 12:04

downcasteyes - yeah he was chancing his luck especially with the shots - when he kissed her in the pub before she told me after (yes she overshares) that she wasn't comfortable doing this in a brightly lit pub.

Maybe he fancied a shag and saw the 'shots' as a green light for that.

Have told her to run for the hills.

OP posts:

Original poster

MadameDD · 28/02/2019 12:05

DoneLikeaKipper

I may as well say this to you - Lara is my younger half sister, from my dad's third marriage. I'm her half sister from my dad's second marriage.

OP posts:

LuckyLou7 · 28/02/2019 12:07

Does Lara know you're posting this? I'd be a bit peeved if my sister took it upon herself to inform Mumsnet of my dating activities. Or even my half-sister, if I had one.

DoneLikeAKipper · 28/02/2019 12:08

MadameDD, ah right, thanks for clearing that up

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