I will try and keep this as short as possible, when i was in teens I was bullied, even by so called friends, has no confidence, no self esteem, my "friends" talked me into being in a relationship with someone i wasn't even attracted to or wanted to be with so they could meet his friends, once they got what they wanted they turned their back on me, called me, fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would ever want to be with me, that if be better off dead, I thought so little of myself and believed I'd never be good for any one and in an attempt to prove them wrong to try and make myself feel I wasn't the things they said about me I stayed with the guy i wasn't attracted too, I let them and him talk me into losing my virginity to him, it was horredus but I stayed believing this was all i was ever going to get, I was scared of being alone, I got pregnant, unplanned, decided to keep the baby not because I wanted kids with him but because even tho it wasn't what I wanted it was better than abortion and living with the guilt and in my mind the baby was soley mine, someone to love and who would live me, I stayed in the relationship because I saw no way out and was so scared I wouldn't cope on my own, I always wanted my kids to siblings close in age so had another child, which took longer than i wanted because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and would only do it when the pressure from him to do it go so bad, then after that child I got caught on the pill when unprotected sex when drunk, I chose to keep the baby, I saw no way out, I regretted every thing so much that I actually considered suicide so many times and ended up on antidepressants, then stupidly when my dad was dying from cancer and he said he wanted to see me get married before he died, I wanted him to see it so I married the guy, it wasn't for love it was purely to grant my dying dad's wish, he died the week before the wedding, with the grief from it I wasn't thinking straight and still went through with it, it was a very cheap wedding, registry office then cheap pub, no honeymoon and I spent the wedding night in the same bed as my kids, not him. I never took his last name because I never wanted to be with him or have a future with him but I saw no way out, we never did anything as a couple together, never went out, never got birthday presents etc for each other, nothing. I then met the most amazing guy, who i fell in love with, he made me believe I deserved better, I left the marriage, the hell I has put myself through was finally over. I had never been in love before, I was so happy, happy for the first time in my life, everything i felt for him, every emotion was the first time I felt those things, everything was amazing in the beginning, I came off anti depressants, was so happy, then he started having doubts about my past, he has self esteem issues and doubts himself a lot but he doubts I'm being honest with him about my past saying I must have wanted it, bear in mind he has also lost his virginity to and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it. I don't know what to do, he is the guy I want to spend my life with, he is the only guy I've ever wanted but he doesn't believe me about my past, I opened upto him and told him how ashamed I am of myself, that I was suicidal, told him everything but he doubts me, he doesn't trust me and it hurts much, I opened up for the firstime to someone, trusted them and I'm just made to feel more ashamed than i do already about myself about my past, is my past really that unbelievable? I don't know what to do, it's ruining our relationship and I am starting to feel as though I am worthless again.