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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

My past is haunting me

102 replies

Ember10 · 24/02/2019 18:26

I will try and keep this as short as possible, when i was in teens I was bullied, even by so called friends, has no confidence, no self esteem, my "friends" talked me into being in a relationship with someone i wasn't even attracted to or wanted to be with so they could meet his friends, once they got what they wanted they turned their back on me, called me, fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would ever want to be with me, that if be better off dead, I thought so little of myself and believed I'd never be good for any one and in an attempt to prove them wrong to try and make myself feel I wasn't the things they said about me I stayed with the guy i wasn't attracted too, I let them and him talk me into losing my virginity to him, it was horredus but I stayed believing this was all i was ever going to get, I was scared of being alone, I got pregnant, unplanned, decided to keep the baby not because I wanted kids with him but because even tho it wasn't what I wanted it was better than abortion and living with the guilt and in my mind the baby was soley mine, someone to love and who would live me, I stayed in the relationship because I saw no way out and was so scared I wouldn't cope on my own, I always wanted my kids to siblings close in age so had another child, which took longer than i wanted because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and would only do it when the pressure from him to do it go so bad, then after that child I got caught on the pill when unprotected sex when drunk, I chose to keep the baby, I saw no way out, I regretted every thing so much that I actually considered suicide so many times and ended up on antidepressants, then stupidly when my dad was dying from cancer and he said he wanted to see me get married before he died, I wanted him to see it so I married the guy, it wasn't for love it was purely to grant my dying dad's wish, he died the week before the wedding, with the grief from it I wasn't thinking straight and still went through with it, it was a very cheap wedding, registry office then cheap pub, no honeymoon and I spent the wedding night in the same bed as my kids, not him. I never took his last name because I never wanted to be with him or have a future with him but I saw no way out, we never did anything as a couple together, never went out, never got birthday presents etc for each other, nothing. I then met the most amazing guy, who i fell in love with, he made me believe I deserved better, I left the marriage, the hell I has put myself through was finally over. I had never been in love before, I was so happy, happy for the first time in my life, everything i felt for him, every emotion was the first time I felt those things, everything was amazing in the beginning, I came off anti depressants, was so happy, then he started having doubts about my past, he has self esteem issues and doubts himself a lot but he doubts I'm being honest with him about my past saying I must have wanted it, bear in mind he has also lost his virginity to and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it. I don't know what to do, he is the guy I want to spend my life with, he is the only guy I've ever wanted but he doesn't believe me about my past, I opened upto him and told him how ashamed I am of myself, that I was suicidal, told him everything but he doubts me, he doesn't trust me and it hurts much, I opened up for the firstime to someone, trusted them and I'm just made to feel more ashamed than i do already about myself about my past, is my past really that unbelievable? I don't know what to do, it's ruining our relationship and I am starting to feel as though I am worthless again.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 24/02/2019 18:31

You need to be on your own for a bit and build up your self esteem. Do you have even one friend? If not try to join something and meet new people. How old are your kids now?
Don't hook up with anyone for a while, learn to be happy or at least content. Best of luck

IvanaPee · 24/02/2019 18:36

The fact that you both had sex before you got together is ruining your relationship? Confused

Your first marriage doesn’t have to have been a mistake or miserable or something you did by accident, just so you can be with someone else!

I agree with PP. you need to be alone for a while. And I think you should get counselling to work through your feelings.

Ember10 · 24/02/2019 18:40

I want to be with him, he means everything to me, I love him so much. The kids are 11, 8 and 4. I have no friends, I don't trust anyone and can't trust after what I my so called friends did to me. The only person I trust is him. I just dont know what to do, I have been nothing but honest with him. Is my past really that unbelievable?

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 24/02/2019 18:43

Of course not, Hes being an arse. All men are arses and take advantage. He will come round if he wants you, if not you have to survive for your kids at first but also for you. Life is hard but can be good

Ember10 · 24/02/2019 18:44

I'm not saying my marriage was a mistake just so I can have a future with someone, it was a mistake and my biggest regret because I never wanted it, not any of it, but my low self esteem caused me to make poor decisions at the time. He can't seem to believe I never wanted to be with him.

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 24/02/2019 18:54

But so what if you did want to be with your ex? That’s my point.

It’s not normal for him to have a problem with you having a history. That’s NOT NORMAL.

Plus, and I mean this gently; you were married and had children that’s mundane. It wasn’t something that happened to you! I mean...it’s extreme, isn’t it? Having a marriage and three children because your friends wanted to talk to his friend??

I really think you need to speak to a therapist. And I really think you should be single for a while.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:07

Sorry to hear about how you were bullied as a young person and what and effect it's had on your younger life.

Not sure what the issue here is for your partner; that you have lied/are lying about your marriage ... Or that you are 'not allowed' to have loved anyone before/except him.

If it's the latter-day incredibly unrealistic, unreasonable, silly, immature, egotistical, I could go on ..

If it's the former, I could understand someone being frustrated or uncomfortable in thinking someone was lying to them about their marriage, but you've apparently told him the truth, so I don't see why he can't just accept that that's the way it is - you fell into the relationship and marriage for the wrong reasons and under pressure (you're not the only person in the world who's ever done that), so what?

Why does it matter so much - I gave a feeling it's the former though: you're not allowed to have loved anyone before/but him .. which is, to me, actually just more bullying and control,band is unrealistic and unhealthy.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:10

*latter, not latter-day - autocorrect can be so weird.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:14

mean...it’s extreme, isn’t it? Having a marriage and three children because your friends wanted to talk to his friend??

Op has explained how each thing happened, snow-capped balled.

I think unfortunately a lot of people can fall into relationships, marriages and having kids due to social pressure, peer pressure, family pressure, culture, low self esteem, passiveness, failed contraception, drunkenness etc etc with people they know at heart they don't live and aren't right for them.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:14

*Snow-balled

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:15

*don't love

funnylittlefloozie · 24/02/2019 19:17

But getting married and having 3 kids is not exactly a "past", is it? Its not like you were a stripper in Odessa and running guns through Kurdistan!

Look, hes not a good man. If he WAS a good man, he wouldnt care about your past, except that he would want to fill your future with good, to make up for the horrible past. This man is another abuser in waiting, that's why he feels attractive to your brain, that is wired to respond to abusers in a pleasing way.

Cut him loose, and spend some time on your own. Find who you really are, and you may well find that you make some real friends along the way.

Good luck

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:17

She didn't get married and have 3 kids because of her'friends' pressure; she started seeing him because of her friends' pressure. You're being quite patronising & unhelpful.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 19:19

Its not like you were a stripper in Odessa and running guns through Kurdistan!

Grin

What makes Odessa particularly bad for being a stripper in?

rvby · 24/02/2019 19:20

This new guy is an abuser. Hes setting it up so that he can make you feel inferior and unstable, so that he can treat you badly and you'll think you deserve it.

My ex did the exact same to me. Dont fall for it.

Its common to feel extremely deep love feelings at the beginning of extremely abusive relationships.

It's all textbook op.

Where are your children? Please protect them from this guy and from your very low self esteem.

Ember10 · 24/02/2019 19:30

I didn't get married and have kids because my friends wanted to see his friends, I let my friends talk me into being in a relationship with him so they could do that, then when they said the things they said about me, it was about proving them wrong, that I wasn't worthless, that someone would want me, that I wasn't all the things they said, it was wrong and messed up but at the time I wasn't thinking straight. I accepted in my mind that this is all my life was going to be, I didn't deserve better and just put up with it, it was all i had known, id never been happy before I met the guy im with now. Everything is great, amazing until he starts thinking about my past and how in his mind I must have wanted it. Then he doubts me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 24/02/2019 19:34

what does it matter if you did want it though OP - you have 3 children that should not matter. He sounds awful - its just a different kind of getting yourself stuck accept this one is worse

Presumably you are still in contact with your children's dather?

rvby · 24/02/2019 19:37

Everything is great, amazing until he starts thinking about my past and how in his mind I must have wanted it.

This is literally why the relationship needs to end.

No matter how you feel about him, hes simply not for you. Your past occurred, it can't be taken back, if he judges you for it there is nothing you can do..it has to end. He will start abusing you shortly, hes setting it up. You will believe you deserve it, or that if you let him abuse you for a bit it will somehow prove to him how wonderful you are. You'll be wrong. It will never end.

For future reference op, you dont owe ANY man your whole history. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have no need to explain yourself. Folk can take you ask you are or not at all. You are a woman in your own right x

Ember10 · 24/02/2019 19:50

I do not believe he will ever be abusive, he is so loving and caring. Maybe I should say a bit about his past, his parents are controlling going as far as using emotional blackmail to make him do what they want. His parents hate me, called me a slut, i have only had 2 sexual partners, his parents have put so many doubts in his mind about me because they want him to be with his ex. They try to control him with everything, they have always been this way, he has insecutities because of this he's never been allowed to make his own decisions with out them making him feel guilty, his parents have never said they are proud of him or anything. It hurts because him mum was 14 when she got pregnant, she had kids from previous marriage before she met his dad, yet I'm not good enough for her son. They have played a huge part in his doubts and insecurities

OP posts:
IvanaPee · 24/02/2019 20:01

Then why are you walking yourself and your children into this cluster fuck?

Really, just why?

Please, PLEASE consider taking a break from relationships and seeing someone who can help you with your self-esteem.

Everything is great, amazing until he starts thinking about my past and how in his mind I must have wanted it. Then he doubts me.

You don’t seem to understand how abnormal this is. WHY WOULD IT MATTER if you had wanted to be married with children before him? Don’t you think it’s weird that he would care about that??

rvby · 24/02/2019 20:01

@Ember10

Sweetheart. I've heard all this before. My ex had the same.

Do you understand that abusive men often dont mean to abuse and usually are extremely loving? They often have deep seated reasons from childhood as to why they behave as they do. They perceive their own abusive controlling behavior as just "loving too much" etc.

He doesn't have to be intentionally hurting you in order to be toxic for you.

He doesn't think you're a good person. He doubts your word. You can't have a healthy relationship with someone like that. You just can't. Can you disagree with me?

rvby · 24/02/2019 20:03

And I also do want to say, his family and him are a cluster fuck from hell. Agree with pp, why would you expose your children to a family like this? And why would you want your DC to see you with someone who thinks you're a shit person? What do you think that will teach them? Do you want your dds to learn that they should have relationships with men who think they are liars etc and whose families hate them? Because they are going to copy you...

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 20:06

He's already abusive to be honest. Bearing you up emotionally/verbally about having been married - when he got into a relationship knowing you'd been married!!

His family situation sounds fked up.

He sounds like a little boy where this (weird) parents are concerned. Does he not have a brain of his own, why is he so influenced by their opinions?

How on earth does his mother even know how many sexual partners you've had?

Are they members of some extreme religious group/cult, they sound very odd.

PlasticPatty · 24/02/2019 20:11

You need counselling to explore who you are. It can help.

Issues here -

  • you were raised without self-esteem. It happens. You can develop it now.
  • you blame yourself for the things you did to survive. You can stop.
  • you don't think you are enough in yourself, without a man. You are.

Get rid of the current one. Have some time just you and the children. You'll grow. All will be well.

Moralitym1n1 · 24/02/2019 20:22

*beating

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