My past is haunting me

[Ember10]

I will try and keep this as short as possible, when i was in teens I was bullied, even by so called friends, has no confidence, no self esteem, my "friends" talked me into being in a relationship with someone i wasn't even attracted to or wanted to be with so they could meet his friends, once they got what they wanted they turned their back on me, called me, fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would ever want to be with me, that if be better off dead, I thought so little of myself and believed I'd never be good for any one and in an attempt to prove them wrong to try and make myself feel I wasn't the things they said about me I stayed with the guy i wasn't attracted too, I let them and him talk me into losing my virginity to him, it was horredus but I stayed believing this was all i was ever going to get, I was scared of being alone, I got pregnant, unplanned, decided to keep the baby not because I wanted kids with him but because even tho it wasn't what I wanted it was better than abortion and living with the guilt and in my mind the baby was soley mine, someone to love and who would live me, I stayed in the relationship because I saw no way out and was so scared I wouldn't cope on my own, I always wanted my kids to siblings close in age so had another child, which took longer than i wanted because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and would only do it when the pressure from him to do it go so bad, then after that child I got caught on the pill when unprotected sex when drunk, I chose to keep the baby, I saw no way out, I regretted every thing so much that I actually considered suicide so many times and ended up on antidepressants, then stupidly when my dad was dying from cancer and he said he wanted to see me get married before he died, I wanted him to see it so I married the guy, it wasn't for love it was purely to grant my dying dad's wish, he died the week before the wedding, with the grief from it I wasn't thinking straight and still went through with it, it was a very cheap wedding, registry office then cheap pub, no honeymoon and I spent the wedding night in the same bed as my kids, not him. I never took his last name because I never wanted to be with him or have a future with him but I saw no way out, we never did anything as a couple together, never went out, never got birthday presents etc for each other, nothing. I then met the most amazing guy, who i fell in love with, he made me believe I deserved better, I left the marriage, the hell I has put myself through was finally over. I had never been in love before, I was so happy, happy for the first time in my life, everything i felt for him, every emotion was the first time I felt those things, everything was amazing in the beginning, I came off anti depressants, was so happy, then he started having doubts about my past, he has self esteem issues and doubts himself a lot but he doubts I'm being honest with him about my past saying I must have wanted it, bear in mind he has also lost his virginity to and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it. I don't know what to do, he is the guy I want to spend my life with, he is the only guy I've ever wanted but he doesn't believe me about my past, I opened upto him and told him how ashamed I am of myself, that I was suicidal, told him everything but he doubts me, he doesn't trust me and it hurts much, I opened up for the firstime to someone, trusted them and I'm just made to feel more ashamed than i do already about myself about my past, is my past really that unbelievable? I don't know what to do, it's ruining our relationship and I am starting to feel as though I am worthless again.

We are not of different religion
He is dutch I'm English.

Then my only explanation for this situation (and it still wasn't one I thought would work out) is null and void.

So his parents, who are Dutch and whom you haven't met believe that you are a slut, who must cheat on him if you're apart for any extended time, that he is shaming his family being with you, desperately want him to be with someone else etc. - on the basis that you are divorced/separated and have kids? (Even though his mother was also separated/divorced with children before her current marriage).

And they won't believe that you didn't love your ex and weren't with him for the right reasons (which he must've told them) and neither does he ... Even though it really doesn't matter at all whether you did it didn't, since you are now separated/divorced.(but in any case they keep insisting you are a lier,even though you've told the truth).

And he's keeping your relationship secret from them, because of their opinion of you.

(Which is entirely relayed by him, since they've never met you).

.... Op either there's an awful lot more to this story,on his side of they're all certifiably insane.

*or they are all certifiably insane

Often when people live part of the time in another country - and they hide their relationship from their family etc. - it's because they have another relationship (and sometimes even kids) in the other country.

Sorry but it's more likely that your Dutch boyfriend is a common garden two-timer than that he is an adult man (how old?) who has severely controlling, manipulative parents who hate your guts (having never met you and only knowing of you what he tells them) and think you are a slut, based on you having had 2 sexual partners in your life, and being divorced (?) with some children.

Esp. given that his mum was also divorced, and they're from a western, liberal country.

EvErything the know,doubt or judged about you is what he has told them. Think about that.

they have made it clear that they never want to meet me or have anything to do with me.

How? Did he say that or have you ever heard/seen anything said or written by them?

(not that he might not be capable of taking something, he sounds crazy enough to do so).

*faking

Op how much time does he spend in the Netherlands Vs UK? How long have you been seeing him? How did you meet him?
Is there anything at all you coukd use to check his circumstances in the Netherlands?

Does he have social media?

@rvby that's the second thread today where you've said something that I genuinely believe is etched in my memory for good and chimed with me - thank you

And OP - I'm so sorry you feel this way. None of us think those things of you - you sound loving, kind and gentle.

Let those qualities be a power, not something people can prey on, to fuel a happy life.

X

I am friends with him on social media, he doesn't hide it from me, I've been with him nearly 2 and a half years. I know his whereabouts when he's not here so I know he's never with anyone else, and we constantly message and voice and video chat a lot thought the day and we work together on game development.
Yes he told them about my past and they said it can't be true, that no one in the world would believe me.

I know what they are like, I know how controlling they are and with his dad calling my mum and threatening to harm her and me and leaving voice messages for days after making the same threats I very much believe him what he says his parents have said about me and how they have reacted.

WHY ARENT YOU LISTENING.

You’re just going round and round in circles.

Go to women’s aid online or on the phone immediately. Like now.

I am friends with him on social media, he doesn't hide it from me, I've been with him nearly 2 and a half years. I know his whereabouts when he's not here so I know he's never with anyone else, and we constantly message and voice and video chat a lot thought the day and we work together on game development.

My only two theories here were that he is a two timer/double-lifer, has to hide you and told you all this tosh in order to 'explain' why he has to hide you - or - that he and his parents are insane.

If you truly believe he can't be involved with anyone else back in the by we Netherlands (or anywhere), then it woulddo seem that they are in fact bonkers.

And I mean all of them, since he's told them this stuff, he's reported back to you, he's not cut them off in spite of their behaviour (including seriously harassing you and your family, I missed that part) but above all, he also has problems with things about your (non existent) 'past' that are completely unreasonable.

Noone normal/sane considers someone a 'slut' for having 2 sexual partners - I know if we're all PC we're not supposed to not consider anyone a slut no matter how many partners they've had, but realistically I think many people will consider someone promiscuous if they're hitting over (?) 20/30, I don't know - definitely double figures though.

Noone normal or save considers someone a slut for having been married and now being separated/divorced. Same for having kids outside marriage.

*sane

And as to your motivations and feelings for getting into a relationship with your ex, staying in it, having kids and getting married .. I find it all perfectly explicable. as I said upthread, I think lots of people get into relationships, marriages and families for lots of dysfunctional reasons (peer pressure, social pressure, cultural pressure, family pressure, low self esteem, passiveness, pragmatism etc) and many kids are the result of contraceptive failures and drunken poor decision making, as unromantic as that is.

I have no idea why they would have such trouble understanding or accepting that: but more importantly IT DOESN'T MATTER. You weren't happy, you decided to end the relationship/marriage. It happens all the time - from people who were originally madly in love, to people who always knrw they didn't feel the right way or were getting into if for the wrong reasons. it doesn't matter, you don't have to explain it, you don't have to apologise, it should not be an issue!!

This guy is strange, and not in a good way. He's judging, criticising and stressing you over something that shouldn't be an issue. He got involved with you knowing you were/had been married,bye had no right whatsoever to go on about that or be unhappy about it.

If he doesn't want someone who's been married if had a partner even, before him then don't get into relationships with people who have!!!!

(And good luck to him finding someone like that - maybe he should become an IS 'fighter' and get his brainwashed, underage virgin,would that finally make him happy?

His behaviour, whether he intends it to be or not, is in effect abusive; and that is what most posters in this thread are getting at.

(just to add - he (and therefore you) seems completely fixated on whether you loved your ex, with the implication that you may have loved someone before him, and he is not the first or only person you've loved ....that is deeply unhealthy, immature, egotistical, and speaks of massive insecurity.

A mature person with healthy self esteem, a normal ego, and realistic, reasonable outlook on life accepts that someone may have fallen in love and love before, but that it didn't work out for whatever reason, it didn't have long-term of permanent lasting power etc. That it doesn't mean they can't truly love the new partner or that their relationship won't pan out differently.

People who can't accept that tend to be all the things I've mentioned above, and also tend to make relationships miserable with insecure, controlling behaviour.

It isn't even the case with you that you were at one time in love with your ex, but if you had been - a reasonable person would accept it. He keeps hammering away at this 'but you must've loved him, you can't have had no feelings!' because it seems like - if you did - it's a huge deal for him and he can't accept it ... Not a significant of someone capable of a healthy, reasonable relationship.

*Sign, not significant

I know he is massively insecure he admitted he is, I know his parents are the root cause of this, I do believe his mum is a narcissist and probably his dad too. They don't care if hes unhappy as long as they get their own way.
This is the type of people they are, they wanted him to join military police, he did, but then instead of being supportive his dad tells him he will fail. It like they want him to do things that in their eyes make them look good but then they also want him to fail at things because it makes them feel better about themselves. I do believe the best thing he can do is cut them off, he needs to sort himself out with propably therapy, I am aware of this and want to help him

OP. Did you meet online in a forum where you discussed your respective pasts? There is a lot of references to emotional sharing and you are doing it on here as well.

That can be helpful but it can be unsafe. You are exposing yourselves to people who can then use that information to manipulate you. Meeting him is not helping you to address the past and move on. It is just adding a new set of problems. This is not what you need and it really isn’t what your children need. In any context this man is unsafe to you and your family. You don’t know who called your mum but only one person had her number.

There is nothing in your past to be ashamed of in the slightest. Please do not associate with people who tell you it is. Even in the guise of trying to help you. Go to your Gp and ask for help, professional help.

he needs to sort himself out with propably therapy, I am aware of this and want to help him

That sounds like a v long, complicated process that may or may not work : in the meantime he is essentially abusing you.

It's not your job to fix him, it's your job to look after yourself and your children.

Op every day millions of people get into relationships with, build relationships with, marry etc. people who've been married or in long term relationships before. They accept whatever the situation was re. those people's feelings were for their ex, whether love, infatuation, mixed, indifference - and that they changed, the relationship broken down and now here they are, with them. They accept/hope that it will work out between that person and them.

Your boyfriend can't do that.
He can't accept you having been in a relationship before him -even though he got into one with you knowing that. He can't accept that it if you loved your ex, when you truthfully say you didn't - he won't believe you and can't accept that either.

If is a deeply unhealthy, dysfunctional dynamic and must be so stressful; presumably why you came on herebtobpist about it.

It's unreasonable and abuse - and I'm sorry but I don't think he'll change.

I also, like some other posters on here, have trouble believing his story about his parents.

They happen to be two controlling, manipulative, crazy narcissists who hate your guts and think you're a slut, having never met you, because you've had two sexual partners and been married before, they get your mum's number and leave abusive messages about you; why did he give them your mum's no.?

He has siblings and step siblings, right? Have you ever met any of them? Do they act the same way towards them? If not, why not?

Have you ever heard his mum speak? Did his 'dad' sound like him in the abusive messages?

Op it's clear you believe everything he tells you as gospel, open your mind to the possibility that sometimes people lie - in weird ways and for weird reasons - and look at everything again.

Even if everything's true; he and his family sound unhealthy if not risky to be subjecting yourself and your kids too.