My past is haunting me

[Ember10]

I will try and keep this as short as possible, when i was in teens I was bullied, even by so called friends, has no confidence, no self esteem, my "friends" talked me into being in a relationship with someone i wasn't even attracted to or wanted to be with so they could meet his friends, once they got what they wanted they turned their back on me, called me, fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would ever want to be with me, that if be better off dead, I thought so little of myself and believed I'd never be good for any one and in an attempt to prove them wrong to try and make myself feel I wasn't the things they said about me I stayed with the guy i wasn't attracted too, I let them and him talk me into losing my virginity to him, it was horredus but I stayed believing this was all i was ever going to get, I was scared of being alone, I got pregnant, unplanned, decided to keep the baby not because I wanted kids with him but because even tho it wasn't what I wanted it was better than abortion and living with the guilt and in my mind the baby was soley mine, someone to love and who would live me, I stayed in the relationship because I saw no way out and was so scared I wouldn't cope on my own, I always wanted my kids to siblings close in age so had another child, which took longer than i wanted because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and would only do it when the pressure from him to do it go so bad, then after that child I got caught on the pill when unprotected sex when drunk, I chose to keep the baby, I saw no way out, I regretted every thing so much that I actually considered suicide so many times and ended up on antidepressants, then stupidly when my dad was dying from cancer and he said he wanted to see me get married before he died, I wanted him to see it so I married the guy, it wasn't for love it was purely to grant my dying dad's wish, he died the week before the wedding, with the grief from it I wasn't thinking straight and still went through with it, it was a very cheap wedding, registry office then cheap pub, no honeymoon and I spent the wedding night in the same bed as my kids, not him. I never took his last name because I never wanted to be with him or have a future with him but I saw no way out, we never did anything as a couple together, never went out, never got birthday presents etc for each other, nothing. I then met the most amazing guy, who i fell in love with, he made me believe I deserved better, I left the marriage, the hell I has put myself through was finally over. I had never been in love before, I was so happy, happy for the first time in my life, everything i felt for him, every emotion was the first time I felt those things, everything was amazing in the beginning, I came off anti depressants, was so happy, then he started having doubts about my past, he has self esteem issues and doubts himself a lot but he doubts I'm being honest with him about my past saying I must have wanted it, bear in mind he has also lost his virginity to and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it. I don't know what to do, he is the guy I want to spend my life with, he is the only guy I've ever wanted but he doesn't believe me about my past, I opened upto him and told him how ashamed I am of myself, that I was suicidal, told him everything but he doubts me, he doesn't trust me and it hurts much, I opened up for the firstime to someone, trusted them and I'm just made to feel more ashamed than i do already about myself about my past, is my past really that unbelievable? I don't know what to do, it's ruining our relationship and I am starting to feel as though I am worthless again.

If what he says is true (and I doubt it!) you are not stable enough yourself to deal with all his issues and a batty family in the background. He is not the right man for you. Walk away (if he really loves you he’ll go too). Give yourself time and space to get on your own feet. Concentrate on your children and yourself. If this so called man decided to grow up, apologise and fight for you then perhaps reconsider. But in the meantime get it into your head that you ARE good enough and if he can’t see that then it’s his loss (and say it to him too!).

his dad calling my mum and threatening to harm her and me and leaving voice messages for days after making the same threats

This jumped out at me on reread - threatening to harm yourself and your mother?!!

And (if it really was his dad) he is still in contact with them and is hiding his relationship with you from them?

Does anything about that strike you as odd of wrong? Would you still have a relationship with your parents if they threatened to harm your partner and his mum, would you be hiding the fact that you're still seeing him from them?

What does your ex think of the situation: is he aware your kids are spending time (in their home?) with a man whose parents have threatened their mum and grandmother with harm?

What would his parents gain from this so-called hatred of you? For what reason would they be calling you all these names?
You have been through so much. You don't sound like you've ever felt like you could say the word 'no'. You don't owe people anything, you don't need to justify anything, you don't have a problematic past (to anyone other than yourself). Ember, this isn't a healthy relationship it's almost like self-harm.

I will reply properly tonight x

My ex had a horrible childhood where he was constantly put down and told he wasn't loved or wanted. His mother was a heavy drug user and he didn't know his father. He had no concept of how it felt to have the unconditional love of parents. Like you, I wanted to "save" this man. I wanted to love and support him so we could have a happy life together. I couldn't and he treated me very badly and made me ill. Of course he wasn't a monster and it's perfectly understandable that my ex would have mental health issues. He didn't MEAN to abuse me but because of all his issues and problems that's what he ended up doing. He could also be extremely thoughtful, loving, sweet and romantic - all genuine parts of his character, not some sinister ploy to trap me. If your new man has a problem because he thinks you wanted to be with your ex that's very weird. It's totally irrelevant whether you did or not. The fact is he's calling you a liar and can't cope with the fact that you may have (in his mind) loved another man. This reminds me so much of my ex. He was constantly picking over my very boring and mundane past. He was so insecure he accused me of lying and was so jealous of any man I was close to before him. His behaviour didn't improve over time. It got worse. For the sake of your children you need to step away from this mess. You've already allowed yourself to create one big mess with your ex (I'm not blaming you at all. I completely understand how it happened) and your kids don't deserve to be dragged in to another unhappy situation.

He didnt give them my mums number, he never had it, his dad looked it up, I know it was his dad for certain, I've heard his dad's voice when ive been on the phone with him and heard all the threatening messages he left my mum so I know it was definately his dad. I've also been on the phone to him, and hear how his dad talks to him.
I met him through gaming, we were friends first.

At first there wasn't all these doubts it only happened when his parents knew about me and before even giving me a chance, getting to know me, they in their minds already had the worst opinion of me, and manipulated him into thinking what they was saying about me was true. I don't think anyone will ever be good enough for their son but his ex, despite him telling them he didn't want to be with her, they and her parents keep trying to subtly get them together.

they in their minds already had the worst opinion of me, and manipulated him into thinking what they was saying about me was true.

But they only know what he's told them about you. And he's extremely insecure and neurotic about your marriage/past relationship, he keeps saying you're lying about it - even though you've been truthful.

I asked about his siblings and step siblings; have you ever met any if them? How do they treat them?

I also asked what your ex thinks about the situation, if he knows?

If someone's father had threatened my kids' mother and grandmother with harm, ( and they haven't reported him/them and cut off all contact, to the contrary they're still living with them (?) in their home country and now lying to them about no longer being in a relationship with my kids' mother, I wouldn't be too comfortable about them being in my kids home.

(because for one they all sound unstable, dysfunctional and quite mad).

SallyWD's post is also excellent.

I've been with him nearly 2 and a half years.

How many times have you actually met him in person, and for how long?

It sounds like he's actually based in Holland/the Netherlands, living at home with his parents; is that right? Most of your contact has been online/electronic (?)

You've never visited him in his home country, he's just visited you and stayed in accommodation or your home?

Has he not even moved out after this parents looked up your mum's number and left messages threatening to harm you and your mum, and other abusive messages?

I have been over there about 8 times, once with my mum so she could meet him.
The longest I've been there has been a week. I've not met any of his family, but have been to the place he works, well worked at at the time I was there.

@Ember10 Do you mean you've met your partner in person 8 times in total? Or that you've visited where he lives abroad 8 times?

"Or that you've visited where he lives abroad 8 times?"

I think this - as op mentions him having met her kids so it sounds like he's been to the UK too. Not sure how many times (?)

Ive been there 8 times, it would be a lot more if money wasn't an issue. He has only been here once because of his parents checking up on him all the time, he booked to come again and days before coming his parents made it quite clear if he sees me again they want nothing more to do with him. This was a few weeks ago when his mum said she was suicidal through the stress of him being with me. And they have now booked tickets to Disneyland for his birthday in a few weeks knowing she will be there with a group she is part of. I am not happy about that at all, I'm hurt he would even go knowing why they have done that.

Oh my love so you've met 9 times in 2.5 years? Would you want your kids to feel this way in a relationship when they grow up? No? You deserve to want more for yourself too!

Totally agree with PP he may not even be manipulating you in a way he is conscious of but even if he doesn't realise what he's doing the outcome is the same - a toxic relationship.

You're giving so much headspace to someone you've met less than ten time. You are effectively being bullied by a cast of characters from someone else's life my love.

When someone shows you who they are - listen.

I wish so much you could see this isn't your fault but you DO have the ability to change it.

So you've met him in person 9 times in the last 2 and a half years.

Does that 2 and a half years include the period when he was in a relationship with,and engaged to, his ex gf/fiancee or all after it?

8 out of the 9 times you've met him in person, you've made the effort, done the travelling, had to arrange childcare (?), paid all the cost (?) - and I presume you had to pay for accomodation as well because he couldn't put you up any if the times as he lives at home with his parents.

Aside from his parents 'stopping' him, why can he not live in a flat (share even) if he had a job.

Sorry OP but you are putting so so much more into this than he is, and you are also taking abuse from him and his parents.

He sounds too much of a child to have any sort of real relationship with you - he lives at home, he's under his parents' thumb (and they're crazy), he can't get past you having been in a serious relationship before (even though there's nothing wrong with that and he knew all about it when he got involved).

It seems like so much if your relationship is online, and is habit.

It's very hard for distance relationships to last at the best of times, let alone with this kind of immaturity and craziness from one side.

How old is he?

I think maybe you should get some counselling & also take a bit of responsibility for your life.

Your 'friends' although very unpleasant did not Force you to have sex, get married or have children - maybe its time to stop bein the victim & take some responsibility for your life

(forgot to say you've also introduced him to your Mum and kids, while he's not introduced you to one solitary person in his family. You've given and are giving too much, you need to take a step back and really try to build up a social life and some hobbies, activities etc outside of being online with him as your only source of company, contact, entertainment etc. It's really unhealthy for your life. You must be interested in something else, challenge yourself to go out and do something new, it could be with or without your kids.)

What does your mum think about him and the whole situation (esp after his parents searched for her number and left threatening and abusive messages on it?)

I agree with @rvby , @IvanaPee, @funnylittlefloozie and all of you tbh

I think you should not be made to feel guiltier for your past, knowing how much it has effected your mental wellbeing in the first place.

It does not seem healthy at all.

Sorry if it comes out as something you dont want to hear - we just want you to value yourself and put your needs above what others think or try and dictate in your life.

His parents sound nuts, and nasty, but if you're older than him, it's possible they see you as a kind of predatory older woman, divorcee ( are you even divorced yet?) with children,vehicle had groomed their introvert son online. They very likely don't want him moving abroad away from them, and they don't want him to get further involved with someone who's already been married and had kids. Some parents do vastly prefer their children to marry and have children for the first time with someone who's also doing it for the first time. They think of it as a negative thing to take on step children etc.

He may have told them that you keep contacting/won't leave him alone when they told him to cut contact and found out he was still in contact with you - that may have been a factor in contacting your mum and warning you off.

He sounds immature and weak enough to have been saying things like that, just as everything is his parents' fault when asking excuses to you.

I mean this nicely it does sound a bit strange that you stayed it a very long term relationship, got married and had 3 children with someone you had no feelings for. I understand the being young and wanting to prove people wrong bit. Most people want to be with their ex's at some point so what did your partner expect ? if I meet someone and they tell me they had a ex partner I would make the obvious assumption that at some point they wanted to be with them , had some happy times so why does it matter so much to him that you never wanted your husband ? has he only ever been with you ? It just seems very odd that you are both going so far out of your way to prove to each other that you never wanted your ex's and only want each other. It sounds like he doesn't live in this country, his family will never accept you and there are serious issues in the relationship already. Is it possible he is using this as a excuse not to have to stand up to his familyy, commit to you, move countries ECT? After 2 and a half years have you made long term plans as to be honest it doesn't seem likes he's going to make the commitment and is using his family and your past as a excuse. If you loved your ex madly and it didn't work out so what you can love be happy with more than one person in a lifetime i think you ate putting all the blame onto his family when actually he is a grown adult who has to make his own decisions and you need to accept your past and the part you played in the decisions. I would suggest counselling for you both

They may even feel that way if you're not older than him (clearly your life circumstances are very different from his at this point).

It's also probably why they're pushing him at his Dutch ex (presumably single, no kids).