My past is haunting me

[Ember10]

I will try and keep this as short as possible, when i was in teens I was bullied, even by so called friends, has no confidence, no self esteem, my "friends" talked me into being in a relationship with someone i wasn't even attracted to or wanted to be with so they could meet his friends, once they got what they wanted they turned their back on me, called me, fat, ugly, worthless, that no one would ever want to be with me, that if be better off dead, I thought so little of myself and believed I'd never be good for any one and in an attempt to prove them wrong to try and make myself feel I wasn't the things they said about me I stayed with the guy i wasn't attracted too, I let them and him talk me into losing my virginity to him, it was horredus but I stayed believing this was all i was ever going to get, I was scared of being alone, I got pregnant, unplanned, decided to keep the baby not because I wanted kids with him but because even tho it wasn't what I wanted it was better than abortion and living with the guilt and in my mind the baby was soley mine, someone to love and who would live me, I stayed in the relationship because I saw no way out and was so scared I wouldn't cope on my own, I always wanted my kids to siblings close in age so had another child, which took longer than i wanted because I couldn't bring myself to have sex with him and would only do it when the pressure from him to do it go so bad, then after that child I got caught on the pill when unprotected sex when drunk, I chose to keep the baby, I saw no way out, I regretted every thing so much that I actually considered suicide so many times and ended up on antidepressants, then stupidly when my dad was dying from cancer and he said he wanted to see me get married before he died, I wanted him to see it so I married the guy, it wasn't for love it was purely to grant my dying dad's wish, he died the week before the wedding, with the grief from it I wasn't thinking straight and still went through with it, it was a very cheap wedding, registry office then cheap pub, no honeymoon and I spent the wedding night in the same bed as my kids, not him. I never took his last name because I never wanted to be with him or have a future with him but I saw no way out, we never did anything as a couple together, never went out, never got birthday presents etc for each other, nothing. I then met the most amazing guy, who i fell in love with, he made me believe I deserved better, I left the marriage, the hell I has put myself through was finally over. I had never been in love before, I was so happy, happy for the first time in my life, everything i felt for him, every emotion was the first time I felt those things, everything was amazing in the beginning, I came off anti depressants, was so happy, then he started having doubts about my past, he has self esteem issues and doubts himself a lot but he doubts I'm being honest with him about my past saying I must have wanted it, bear in mind he has also lost his virginity to and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it. I don't know what to do, he is the guy I want to spend my life with, he is the only guy I've ever wanted but he doesn't believe me about my past, I opened upto him and told him how ashamed I am of myself, that I was suicidal, told him everything but he doubts me, he doesn't trust me and it hurts much, I opened up for the firstime to someone, trusted them and I'm just made to feel more ashamed than i do already about myself about my past, is my past really that unbelievable? I don't know what to do, it's ruining our relationship and I am starting to feel as though I am worthless again.

Yeah it's just the whole world against you two isn't it? It's not .. he doesn't have to lay a hand on you to be abusive. He already fucking is , berating you for your past and "lying". He's got a free card to emotionally abuse you as much as he wants because you'll either give in because you're desperate not to lose him and say you lied,which he'll use against you forever more OR keep going at you because you're "still lying" to him.

His parents aren't the issue. Your past isn't the issue. He is the issue.
Your self esteem is so low and you're so attached to him you can't see the woods from the trees. Trust me I've been there,on both counts ..fucked up relationship and being accused of lying about my past.

Just to add my voice to all the others advising you to leave this relationship and spend time on your own, perhaps with councilling to work on your self esteem.
The other thing that i read in your op is this
and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it*
Was he still seeing his ex at the same time he was seeing you. More red flags op, sorry.

How old is he? If he lost his virginity to someone while he was supposed to be with you because his parents pressured him into it he sounds quite young or immature?

OP please listen when everyone is saying his behaviour isn't normal or healthy. Why does it matter who you have been with? It's the past, he wasn't there.
You don't have to justify your past, he can be in your future or not, take it or leave it, you shouldn't have to convince him.
Personally, considering everything you said about him and his family I would run for the hills VERY quickly.

Agree with others. It shouldn’t matter whether you wanted to be with your ex or not. So you’ve had a past relationship, big deal. He needs to accept that, or you need to leave him to it.

Also, don't judge people based on your nasty, immature, cruel non-friends from when you were younger .. there are lots of horrible people in the world, but there are also nice people, decent people, kind people. You see them on here every day of the week trying to help people with their problems ( every imaginable type of problem from kids to DIY to relationships).

It's not easy to find good people and friends but it is possible and they're worth finding. Without any friends or social life, you are v isolated and have a lack of support.

and was in a relationship with someone he said he never wanted to be with and proposed to them while he was supposed to be with me because his parents pressured him into it

I missed this - are you saying he was engaging with you romantically nwhike he was in a relationship with, and even engaged to, someone else??

And this guy has the gall to be getting on at you about having been married in the past?! (Which is insane anyway by the way).

OP, you are SO vulnerable and you are already being abused by this new man. You can't see it, but we can.

You see, a real man, a GOOD man would love you for what you are. You wouldn't have to excuse your past, you wouldn't have to apologise for your poor children, and you wouldn't be needing to justify yourself. You would be allowed to be you, with all your history and mistakes, just like all of us.

You are already treading on eggshells, having to prove to him that you love him, being told that his parents think you are a slut so you have to beg him to stay with you, and you are already having to prove to him that of course you don't mind that he slept with someone else whilst 'dating' you - which of course, his parents made him do.

What else will his 'parents' make him do to you whilst you put up with it because you have to prove to him that you are not whatever he accuses you of being? Can't you see you are being set up to spend your life proving to him that you are worthy of his attention?

You are a doormat-in-training who is desperately trying to be an even better doormat, and you have been together how long? Seriously OP, you are worth so much better than this.

He didn't lose his virginity to her while we were together it was before he met me, but it was after he was in a relationship with me he went back to her and proposed to her. I have been with him for 2 and a half years, before his parents got involved he didn't doubt me like this. They found out recently we are still together, his mum used emotional blackmail, saying she can't show her face anymore that she's ashamed of him, then it got worse and she said she was suicidal because she couldn't cope with him being with me, so they now think we are no longer together, it hurts so much because a relationship shouldn't have to be a secret. His mum is very good at using emotional blackmail but I know he's at fault too because he lets her.

Do you have any proof of this or is it all based on his say so?

So he's keeping you/your relationship s secret too.

Op I don't want to upset you but it sounds worse and worse the more you let us know.

Either he's lying if his mother is absolutely insane and he'd pandering to her. That is not a basis for a good relationship

Have you ever met his mum/parents?

*Either he's lying or his mother is absolutely insane and he's pandering to her. That is not a basis for a good relationship

Op it's struck me that the only way this makes any sense (as such) is if he and his family are from a non British, religious, culturally different and distinct background that you're not from - and his parents don't want him with you as a result.

Do his parents/does his mum see any woman not from the same religion and background as a 'slut', because they officially believe in no sex before marriage (esp for women)?

Do they view you as a 'slut' because you're separated/divorced (also a no-no) and perhaps they know you got married after cohabiting and having children? (And probably just because you're of their religion/background)?

(because you're not of their religion/background).

The extreme views and behaviour on his mum's part remind me (on the other side of the coin) things I read about when girls of Indian and Pakistani origin who were refusing to marry (or just objecting to marry) partners, often second cousins in India/Pakistan - the mum's were saying they were breaking their hearts, were 'depressed', ', ill', ' suicidal' etc.

... they were bringing shame on the family etc.

Is the other person he was seeing and was engaged to a women from the same religion/background?

This situation is a really really difficult one, totally aside from his ridiculous behaviour about your marriage/past relationship.

Culturally, this is not going to work;

• he can't accept you having been married before/having a significant relationship before.

• his mum/parents dont want him with you and he's not strong of brave (orveniygh if a maverick) to enough to stand up to them fully and assert himself. He's hiding your relationship and will probably end up dropping you when push comes to shove.

• his family sound v traditional/conversative so it's not going to work on the way it might've if they were more westernised, liberal, however you want to put it. They'll make your lives hell, he'll be put under massive pressure, he'll be made to choose between them and you, (he's probably been raised to think family is very important) and i think he'll cave.

Partly because if that and partly because he can't even accept that you are a separated/divorced woman whose had a relationship, and children in it, already.

On that front, if he has trouble with your

.. marriage, how does he accept your kids? Has he met them, how does he treat them, is he ok with being a stepfather

Seems unlikely given he can't even accept you've been married/had a significant relationship before him.

You can't make someone believe you and if he's calling you a liar he's not being loving or caring. He either accepts you for who you are and your past or he doesn't. He can't keep bringing it up and calling you out on it and you shouldn't have to keep explaining yourself. He is being abusive.

I strongly advise you to take some time out of this relationship. Him and his parents are not going to make your MH any better.

Give yourself a break and work on your own self esteem. You can't let someone love you until you learn to love yourself.

I know this Romeo and Juliet bs might seem very romantic to you,but ultimately it boils down to this..
1.he's keeping you a secret.
2.he cheated on you or your ex or both
3.he can't or won't stand up to his family.

1. He either can't cope with your past or he's guiltripping you so you can't speak out too much about 1,2 and 3.

It's got heartbreak written all over it sweetheart.

We are not of different religion. It's not based on his say so, his father has called my mum in the past and threatened her and me. He has met my kids, he loves them and they love him, he is amazing with them. He is very insecure about himself which i believe is from his parents being so controlling and manipulating him into doing what they want, his parents have put so many doubts in his head about me, things like, I'm a woman and if I go months without seeing him I will be seeing other men, that my past is unbelievable so I must have been happy and wanted it etc. He is dutch I'm English and we see eachother every few weeks if possible depending on work and family commitments. I agree if he can't stand up to his parents and stop giving in to emotional blackmail it's never go to work.

They have never met me in person and they have made it clear that they never want to meet me or have anything to do with me. Yet they feel qualified enough to make all these judgements about me which are all lies. His parents really can't say anything, his mum has been married before and has kids from that marriage. They don't know me yet try to fill their sons head with lies about me. I have never treated their son bad, never cheated on him, I've always been loyal, faithful, loving, supportive, encouraging him to follow his dreams, motivating him when he's feeling down or doesn't thing he's good enough to do it, yet they hate me, enough to want to hurt me.