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Original poster

Just gave birth to first baby and Married to husband who doesn’t stand up for you to his Mother.

97 replies

Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 16:24

Hi Everyone,

So just given birth about 5 weeks ago to first baby. I really made it clear to everyone that I do not want anything posted on social media about the birth of our son, until I was ready to do so. (I said this right before he was born).
Fast forward

The baby is now born and two weeks later, I decided “right now I’m ready to announce the birth of our baby boy” as my family all live abroad now that’s how I was going to let them know.
Log on to Facebook only to realise that my Mother in Law announced the birth or our baby boy on Facebook on the day that he was born. So my family told me the saw the announcement on Facebook some weren’t that happy about how they came to find out about it. I was really upset since I wanted to be the one to announce the birth of our first child. I thought it was very rude and inconsiderate of her to post it without permission.

Anyways, I complained to my husband about it since it’s his mother. I asked him to let her know that i did not want anything posted (she knew that I asked specifically not to but still did it).
When it comes to telling his mother anything he tends to beat around the bush and not say what the actual problem is. I wanted her to know that it was not okay to post it. Of course he did not tell her that instead, he said “I see a status was updated...” ( via text of course) then he went on to say that some of my family wasn’t happy finding out second hand on Facebook with which she responded “ oh well, tough I was just excited..”

He did not remind her of what I said or that I was unhappy about it. And now just want me to forget about it. So he chickened out. Also his mother became passive aggressive when I said I will be the one to give him his first bath. It’s like once I had the baby every one automatically thinks I want to just give him up for someone else to look after! I hadn’t even bonded with my baby properly yet. I just wanted everyone to just leave me alone with my baby. It was a traumatic experience giving birth and I want to forget all about it.
I do not trust my mother in law with looking after my baby or anyone since I was a victim of rape as a child via family member. I do not want the same thing to happen to my baby. Do not yet trust any one but my mother at the moment.

Mother in law and sister in law is being very forceful and my husband doesn’t stand up for me at all. Instead he gets defensive and turn it on me instead. It’s so frustrating it doesn’t help that I’m alone in this country my family are abroad. Can’t count on my husband to take my side.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 24/02/2019 16:28

Have you not given the baby a bath in two weeks?

HollowTalk · 24/02/2019 16:52

Congratulations on your baby.

I think you were a bit unreasonable banning anyone from posting about the baby on FB until two weeks had passed, if FB is something all your family use. Are you saying some family members didn't know you'd had the baby?

The other issue with you not wanting your MIL to give the baby a bath is another matter - it sounds as though you really need help with that.

Singlenotsingle · 24/02/2019 16:55

My babies had their first baths about 2 days after they were born.

GertrudeCB · 24/02/2019 16:57

Yes he should take your side, does he know why you are hypersensitive to the baby being handled?

AnnaBegins · 24/02/2019 17:01

Advice now is to wait a week for first bath so ignore all those critics op. I didn't want anyone but dh and I bathing our precious newborn either! Your DH is clearly the problem here. Would he respond well to you telling him he needs to step up and be your support now you are a new family unit?

Smotheroffive · 24/02/2019 17:08

The only way to control the announcement is to utterly control it yourself by not telling anyone until you are ready.

You really cannot expect others to not share the news. However, its highly unusual for the dgm to be doing the announcing! It's also over-controing for dgm and dSIL to be forcing over baby bathing. You should be wanting to give your baby first bath and so on,that's natural and normal, and if you are struggling with bonding then others need to give you space and support not pressure,and that needs to be supported by your DH also.

Forcing you is highly counter-productive. Please talk to your HV and get support. Involve your DH in this also.

This should be a time of absolute joy, and nurture, but you sound isolated. Would it be possible for your DM to visit more and help, as you trust her?

My heart goes out to you OP. However, if you want to maintain control of things don't expect others to do your bidding, just manage it for yourself and only let out what feels comfortable for you. Your DH needs to be onboard with this,so a chat with HV should help. As your confidence grows you will be able to relax,but in these early weeks its a very intense experience, even without the added trauma you've had to deal with. Flowers. Congratulations on the birth of your lovely baby!!

pelirocco123 · 24/02/2019 17:09

Why on earth did you wait 2 weeks before telling your family? They must have been so hurt

Motherofcreek · 24/02/2019 17:20

Op congratulations Flowers

Child birth isn’t always as easy as some other can experience it and it can leave you a bag of nerves and emotions.

I understand why your upset. And I have a mil very similar. But try and move on even though I know your massively irritated by it. Your probably going to have much bigger issues - going off her response to dh.

The over whelming response your going to get is that it’s your Dh job to stand up to her - and it is. But realistically children of parents like this have had a life time of boundary pushing and find it hard to stand up to them.

Start putting your boundaries down, start sticking up for yourself. Your dh should absolutely be supporting you

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 17:47

I should have clarified, my extended family (like aunties, uncles, cousins, friends etc.) my parents I already told them. I had a social media fast so I didn’t post anything there until I was ready. However the mother in law did NOT wait literally as soon as the baby was born she posted it and I only realised 2 weeks after when I announced the birth on Facebook and aunties saying that they did like the fact that they found out second hand on someone’s status. I just wanted it to happen in my own time. And despite requesting that they respect my wishes (and she agreed) she still did it, and didn’t care that she did.

It’s not just giving him his first bath, it’s also adding pressure to have her stay over and take the baby away from me, to how I breast feed or my feeding choices, buying stuff I already have and she knows it. For example I said I already brought baby a bath tub. She went and brought another on and says it’s way better than the one I brought etc. Now I have a load of stuff she’s brought because the ones I brought “was not good enough” It’s highly frustrating that husband won’t say anything about it and refuses. I’m really not comfortable with it all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 17:49

@funnylittlefloozie,
No I bathed the baby. I didn’t wait for 2 weeks, that’s unhygienic...

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 17:50

@HollowTalk

I should have clarified, my extended family (like aunties, uncles, cousins, friends etc.) my parents I already told them. I had a social media fast so I didn’t post anything there until I was ready. However the mother in law did NOT wait literally as soon as the baby was born she posted it and I only realised 2 weeks after when I announced the birth on Facebook and aunties saying that they did like the fact that they found out second hand on someone’s status. I just wanted it to happen in my own time. And despite requesting that they respect my wishes (and she agreed) she still did it, and didn’t care that she did.

It’s not just giving him his first bath, it’s also adding pressure to have her stay over and take the baby away from me, to how I breast feed or my feeding choices, buying stuff I already have and she knows it. For example I said I already brought baby a bath tub. She went and brought another on and says it’s way better than the one I brought etc. Now I have a load of stuff she’s brought because the ones I brought “was not good enough” It’s highly frustrating that husband won’t say anything about it and refuses. I’m really not comfortable with it all.

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 17:50

I think you should have confronted his mother. You were the one that was angry. Why did you expect him to do it?

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 17:54

@GertrudeCB

Yes he does but I feel as though his mother is more important, hence why he hasn’t said anything to her about how I feel. He just lets her do what she wants. We argue about it a lot but I feel completely alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 17:56

@ LaughingCow99

Since it is his mother he should be the medium between. If he had the problem with my family I would be the one to calm things down on my end. I wouldn’t expect him to do it. I would keep the peace as I would know how to approach my family better than he would.

OP posts:
YouBumder · 24/02/2019 17:57

You’re not BU although I think waiting 2 weeks to both tell your family you’d had the baby and give it its first bath are a bit odd.

If you’re concerned she won’t respect boundaries then you might need to say to your husband that if he won’t put his mother in his place or you will do it.

On the other hand try not to alienate her too much, involved and interested grandparents are a godsend. I know you understandably have issues with trust and you’re not BU not wanting to hand over a tiny baby but it might be best to try to learn to trust her. She brought up your DH remember, she can’t be that bad ;)

YouBumder · 24/02/2019 17:58

Ah I missed the bath update post sorry OP!

YouBumder · 24/02/2019 17:59

And the family! Sorry OP - ignore my first paragraph;)

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:00

@pelirocco123
I should have clarified, my extended family (like aunties, uncles, cousins, friends etc.) my parents I already told them. I had a social media fast so I didn’t post anything there until I was ready. However the mother in law did NOT wait literally as soon as the baby was born she posted it and I only realised 2 weeks after when I announced the birth on Facebook and aunties saying that they did like the fact that they found out second hand on someone’s status. I just wanted it to happen in my own time. And despite requesting that they respect my wishes (and she agreed) she still did it, and didn’t care that she did.

OP posts:
Bellendejour · 24/02/2019 18:00

No, Laughing it’s his mother, he should be the one to do it. If OP confronted her about this how do you think that would turn out? A massive argument by the sound of things.

He needs to stand up to his mother and help put boundaries in place. Can you sit down calmly with him and talk about how you feel, how normal it is and how you just want to put these boundaries in place now so you all have a good relationship going forward?

MrsKrampus · 24/02/2019 18:03

Wow OP I think some of these replies are really unfair to you. I absolutely understand your frustration. Yes your DH should be the one to speak to his mum because it's HIS MUM.

Don't be bullied into handing over your baby until you're ready and as long as you've told your MIL you don't need her to buy anything I'd donate the things she's buying to a refuge or a charity shop and if she asks remind her that you did tell her you don't need these items.

Your baby is 5 weeks old and should be with you. I'm sorry your husband is too cowardly to stand up for you and your baby.

Missingstreetlife · 24/02/2019 18:04

dont have anything to do with her and tell her why if she asks.
Hope your mum is nearby

ukgift2016 · 24/02/2019 18:05

This is a total overreaction on your part. Choose your battles wisely otherwise you come across as petty.

I see you have a son... hmm your be the mil one day.

Original poster
Mummmy007 · 24/02/2019 18:06

@AnnaBegins

Yesterday we had a massive argument about it after I suggested that he needs to step up and support me on this. Instead he said to just forget about it and move on because apparently to him it’s rude to stand up to his mother on behalf of his wife. (What do I know aye...?)
So support from the husband? When pigs fly...

OP posts:
LaughingCow99 · 24/02/2019 18:09

Anyways, I complained to my husband about it since it’s his mother

I think you told him to do it because you didn't want to have to deal with the mother.

If you know he has a tendency to beat around the bush with his mother (your words) then why did you expect this to be any different? He clearly doesn't want to rock the boat with her. As you know he is this way, I don't know why you then asked him to tell her you were annoyed. Did you think he was suddenly going to change?

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 24/02/2019 18:13

I don’t understand about FB. Did your aunties etc find out from your parents or from your MIL’s status? I can’t follow